pikmin134
Joined 22nd Jun, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Um... This was pretty fucking awful.
2764062 in his defense...it was his first story...
First story or not, this still sucks. No words; it just needs a shit load of word. Please, get an editor... or a book on how to write, good sir/ma'am/person.
EDIT: Because I found a picture I like, and I'm going to be immature for once:
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9512-294869_544790698893397_1025832748_n.jpg
2764095 Im sorry ill get better
I LOVE THIS
2764123 thank you shadowmist
Wonderful story. Had me enthralled with you writing, can't wait for more!
So I read the story. All I have to say on the matter is this:
i.imgur.com/bFSJRKE.gif
This was a literary masterpiece. Seriously, great job, my friend. 5 stars out of 5.
i.imgur.com/2w591.gif
You are now a god. TAKE MY LIKES NOW!
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR-Bc4bKjYeO9X5PY0whWE7eUKVygkKOzfs-cXNjgJ2Bt-C4rCT
I've read worse. Good to see another writer on here trying for greatness. I'm a crappy teacher, but I volunteer to pre-read your next one, hopefully I can find some way to help. Noticed I had a couple (Well, still do) similar issues with my writing style.
2764095
Actually, it was the horrible grammar and spelling that made me want to read it. And then I read it with the pony thread simulator voices.
It makes the story all the much better.
I'll give this a shot despite even how the title is. Note it should read Apple Jack's Suicide.
Here I find Apple Jack's motivation to kill lacking. I'd like to hear more about the why. It falls flat as is. How your story is currently I guess the pacing is fine but I would recommend adding a bit a description, hm?
Ok that ending there got real confusing. Try to avoid overusing words. Also why did tiny filly Apple Bloom go to hell and Apple Jack, who was trying to kill other ponies, go to heaven? Doesn't quite work. The pacing in this chapter is a wee bit too fast.
I'll give a thumbs up now in preparation for improvement. If it doesn't improve I'll take it back though.
Try watching this video maybe?
2764092 I had a first story once. I used proper grammar and all that jazz. also it wasn't complete shit
2765541 I understand.
I see that you are new here, allow me to introduce myself. I am the infamous Prince Solstice. Now before we head off I've hung up my keyboard smasher for, well a long time now. I've been focused on making stories and working on making something people will read. This is just awful enough for me to smash though. I mean seriously? One paragraph of filthy wording strung together in an incoherent mess. Your damn right I'm dusting off my keyboard smasher, and giving you one hell of a rage review. Now sit back, relax and have a laugh or two. We shall then proceed to the technical, and then we shall proceed to an apology for making this mess without reading other fan-fiction first. Hell it's all over this site, you can't escape it.
Yes, Applejack on a sugar high is a damn scary thing.
Creak first off numb nuts, second off what the hell does Rainbow Dash have anything to do with the scene? What is this supposed to be? Another ship fic but you left out how Applejack rode Dash cowgirl style with a double sided dildo all night or what? Seriously Why the fuck is she in this scene?
Mmm, lubrication and necrophillyphilia.
No shit Sherlock
I'm not sure what to say at this point. Arflegabble blabble.
Remember the time I fucked a foxhole?
Well now what do we have here? One count of Breaking and Entering, and one count of rape! OH wait... that hasn't happened yet.
Pretty sure this just turned into a Cupcakes remake... we shall name it Apple Pies.
Yes put your giant cock away Applejack!
Eeyup...
Nothing unusual there.
Applejack just stood there stroking her fifteen inch horse cock. "My name ain't Applejack... it's Buck, and I'm here to Fuck,"
Jesus man, do you realize the retard you just typed? Hang on, hang on. Do... You... Realize... The... Retard... You... Just... Typed...?
Guess her wing boner kept her from flying? Like she always does?
Wai... huh? Are you spamming your enter key?
i.imgur.com/0YF1wlv.gif
I'm sorry but really? One moment she is fucking insane, the next she has a heart again? SHE WAS ABOUT TO KILL HER FUCKING BEST FRIEND! Keep your damn characters in character. You can't even keep character in the character you are creating. FUCK!
Hey yo Applejack... Ya alright?
i.imgur.com/bl5UbUy.gif
Now time for an intermission...
i.imgur.com/ZV80X9D.gif
You know after reading your last chapter I feel as if you just threw together words for an idea that was thought up of an hour before you masturbated. I can't stand that, I can't stand to see a lack of effort be put into writing something. This is just awful and I have no idea why people would upvote such a thing. I guess my standards are too high or something, but this... this is just downright insulting to writers everywhere. I understand you are a bunch of sarcastic dicks, but come on, don't upvote this. If he has the backing of even two people then he has an argument that people 'liked' it. Ugh...
Overall, your best idea would to be to start over. Don't fucking continue this until you go and watch the show... a lot more. I recently got over my closed minded ideas and shit like that when I went to see Equestria Girls, but that doesn't excuse the fact I still hate it when first time authors don't do research before writing. I did, I still wrote something awful, and I just moved on to something else. Which to be truthful you need a lot more practice at writing before you even consider publishing anything for us to read. THis story is lacking in depth, nobody stays in character, you don't have a single clue about how emotions and psychology work, and worst of all there is nothing here but a face value story with no lesson to be learned. There is nothing it's so shallow, there is nothing to it. This story doesn't make me think, it makes my eyes strain as you put a new paragraph in the middle of a sentence. You sir need to go read some more fiction or maybe a book or two. Go learn what story writing is supposed to be. This isn't so much a story as it is some kid trying to retell a 'scary' story in a pillow fort with all of his little friends. I just don't get it, although I'm pretty sure there is nothing to get. This story isn't on par of where it should be, and on top of that, I'm tired of seeing Cupcake remakes, and my god does this read like one. Killer Applejack, gore filled scenes, and a lack of detail just makes me feel much better about the stories I purposefully leave details out of.
Look, I don't hate your writing for this, just you have a long way to go. Improvement only comes if you put effort into it, and I'm sure you want to make a good impression on all of us. First story or not, you could have done much better. If you had just sat down and re-read what you wrote, then I'm sure you would feel pretty guilty for having posted this, and understand where I'm coming from. I'm not offering help anymore as I am trying to make my writing better. I haven't done a review like this in a long time and to be honest I wasn't planning to. Distorted Truth up there asked me to do this, and after reading the first chapter I was happy to oblige. Just let me know if you are going to try again, and I will review your next story for ya. The next one shouldn't be as bad as I am giving you the benefit of a doubt you will try and improve. I've never had to rage review someone twice, but if it happens the second one will be much worse, and that ain't a threat it's a promise.
Final Verdict: Has someone been burning books or something? I swear people are getting worse and worse when it comes to writing.
2766129
Just say it. You want a sequel.
2766129 Let's try that again. If you're interested I wrote a riff of this that's like a rage review.
2766272 Yeah I've been trying to get into riff writing with some group, just never been offered. Yes I would love to see that, I read 'em all the time.
2766257 I want a sequel sure, of much better quality and with an idea of what a word is. If I wanted to read crap I would be on fanfiction.net. This is just... no...
2766272 It's good by the way. I lol'd.
2766366 Oh? Do you have Skype? I can arrange that if you'd like.
2768741 Yes I do indeed. prince.solstice is my skype account.
2765111 This. Trips confirms it.
2764113 What you should do is look at the Writing Guide, we really don't want you making the next 'My Immortal'.
2768741 hows it going I see you found the fic
I'm sorry, but that was the worst fic I've ever read.
Bad grammar, horrible pacing, lackluster plot.
Watch the show before you try anything else.
This is officially the second fic I've ever thumbed down.
So your fic is basically Applebloom dying in a horrible tragedy, and Applejack getting depressed about it, and not wanting to live anymore.
Now here's my advice for your story.
Create a little more background before you go and kill off a character. Who's fault was it? When in the series did it happen? What were they doing? Why were they doing it?
1.What was Applebloom doing that caused her death?
Maybe she was playing around with the other Cutie Mark Crusaders trying to get their Cutie Marks, and they were doing something dangerous.
2.How is this Applejack's fault?
Maybe Applejack could have prevented the whole incident if she had been sterner with them, and told them to be more careful, or just stop altogether.
3.Why is Rainbow Dash in this fic at all?
Perhaps the CMC were asking Rainbow Dash for help, and her wild nature contributed to Applebloom's death.
I thought, if I'm going to tear down your ideas, why not help you build them back up?
2771542 completely understandable
Okay...I...I'm not sure if it's too late to say this, but why the actual FUCK did Apple Bloom go to hell for just dying and why did Applejack go to heaven after she straight up murdered someone?!?!?
2765354 Love the video.
Suggesting tag "Comedy"