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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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DIS IS GOOD.
dis humie gon be fukd.
"In retrospect, I probably should have tried to communicate with them, but I sort of got swept up in the moment and just went with the flow."
You are made of STUPID!
2828035
This guy is in an entirely different dimension where they treat humans like slaves and all the other humans seen feral. He is incapable of speaking normally. He knows they not only BRAND humans, THEY NEUTER THEM! He should be attempting to communicate with these people IMMEDIATELY to make it clear he's not just some dumb animal! That is his BEST chance and most LOGICAL chance for survival! Does he do that?
NO! Because he is "going along for the ride".
STUPID! You're so STUPID!
yes yes this pleases me keep them coming please
2828263 You amuse me, because this is exactly my line of thought. However, as my co-author/ editor pointed out: what would you do if your dog came up to you and started waving its paws at you?
Besides, if he communicated with the ponies right away, there wouldn't be a story, would there?
..but keep your comments coming. I like to hear opinions from ever angle...
2828890
If my dog came up to me and demonstrated sophonce (that is, human-level intellect and self-awareness) I would immediately stop treating him like a dog and start treating him like a person.
Because, at that point, it's obvious that this creature is an unknown or alien species of animal (perhaps distantly related to dogs) that deserves the same treatment, rights, and respect that any human being is entitled to.
What's more, this creature represents something unprecedented: the discovery of another intelligent species besides human beings. After I contact the nearest university, and probably NASA, I'll watch as he's invited to answer questions about himself and treated as a proper foreign dignitary or visitor... Giving presentations about himself and his people to scientists and politicians worldwide and likely becoming an instant celebrity.
Hopefully, we will remain in contact as friends during the following years, which we will likely have become during the initial stages of his emergence into human awareness. If I'm lucky, he may even let me write his biography, which will likely be one of the most interesting and best selling stories in recorded history.
So... yes, the main character was rather extremely dumb in not attempting to communicate. However, I rather get the impression that this story is going in a very different direction, so I suppose we'll have to bear it for the sake of plot convenience.
2829151 I'm rather glad that so many people are pointing out the lack of attempts to communicate.
However, I am not in control of what happens in the first 7 or so chapters, my friend is, so please bear with the stupidity of the human for a bit longer.
2828890
I'd look at it confused and ask 'What is it"? And if it started actually WRITING words in the ground, or if it took a pen in it's mouth and attempted to write something, my first thought would be "Oh my GOD, my dog is ACTUALLY TRYING TO TALK TO ME, this is AMAZING!". I agree with everything Invictus said. If your dog tried to talk to you, you'd LISTEN. We could learn so MUCH. Even the NOSTALGIA CRITIC pointed out in his review of "Battlefield Earth" that it made no sense for the Psychlos to not teach the humans how to speak their language because what good is a slave if you can't freakin' TALK to them? How are they gonna take orders or know what to do if they don't speak your language?
2829207
Fair enough. That being said...
While there are some plot holes due to the protagonist's actions (which could be made more believable by not having the ponies speak and write English), the story itself is well-written. It flows smoothly and the pacing (so far) seems good, if a little rushed at times. The little dialogue there's been felt fairly natural.
The treatment of non-sapient humans is handled with proper horror, though perhaps is glossed over a little too easily from the protagonist's perspective. I was expecting a far stronger reaction... not at the treatment of what are undeniably animals, but rather at the string possibility of being treated like that himself.
Shock, however, is very hard to write. I can sort of sense an attempt at it, but he came off as a little too blase about the whole thing.
Similarly, there are a few places where you could have spent more time hammering in the seriousness and alienness of his situation with more description.
Nevertheless, the character is flawed in a relatable way. I haven't gotten enough of him to say whether he's truly 3-dimensional or not, but his narration did draw me in. So far, except for his one (admittedly large) lack of logical thought/action (which, again, you could have spent more time justifying to the reader) he seems like a decent character.
Overall, this is well done. You clearly have talent at telling a story... which is why it kind of pains me that you're allowing yourself to be limited by circumstances set by someone who... well, doesn't seem to, honestly. Or who is purposely screwing you over.
I look forward to seeing where you take this.
2829381 I thank you for you insight. This being my first 'major' story, I'm still new at most of this. I'm glad that there is some stuff you like, and I thank you for pointing out what needs to be worked on.
As for my friend, he is giving me the prompts for each chapter for the first 7 chapters as part of a bet we made. I write the chapter, he reads it, then gives me the prompt for the next chapter. The one major thing, however, was that the main character could not communicate successful with any ponies for the first 7 chapters. After that I have full and utter control over the story.
So, as I said before, please just bear with me until the 7 chapter intro is finished, than hopefully it will get better.
Have any of you never seen the original planet of the apes? Letting your owners know you are intelligent is not always the best of moves. First you need to find someone (or some thing) you can trust. Then let that individual know, and hope you are not vivisected, or dissected.
2828890 So ummm, can he talk normally? I mean, I would assume the 'chapped lips' excuse would fly. Because chapped lips are a BITCH and I felt his pain but...is it because he was born mute or something?
he just needs access to a sink or something, half drown himself to get all the dust out of his system and yell " WHAT THE ^%$#ATTY ^%$# IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
TALK YOU STUPID SHIT
3233563 HE CAN'T TALK YOU STUPID SHIT.
3243252 Why can't he talk
Just started reading this, and it's very good. Albeit rage inducing. How could he have gone 2 weeks without being able to give any indication of his intelligence? Especially when he lost the gag in Canterlot? Fucking whistle or something, shit. I read a comment indicating he fears the ponies reaction, but I haven't gotten to that point yet. All I've seen is that he wished he had showed signs of sapience, but was just "going with the flow". Rage. Now to continue reading.
Guess who's re-reading!
3404481
Dude for the third time at least here too....
Good fic!
admittedly, I really like the McDonalds cutie mark branding thing. that was damn funny.
the arches
Poor Sunny... Getting attached to Max...
3233563 HE'S MUTE YOU FUCKING SHIT READ AGAIN YOU FUCKING SHIT SHITFUCKITYFUCKFUCKSHITSHITTYFUCKSHITS
I swear too much. But yeah.
aww, such a shame. but at least he escaped being neutered or branded. good chapter
only thing I don't get is why he would stay quiet... I mean, he can't talk, but only sighing drew attention to him. So laughing at something funny, or making any kind of noise would show his intelligence...
also, they understood his name, so he could just lick his finger and try to write something....
and being smart as a pony would reduce the chances of getting blasted, I think....
3249154 because when he arrived in equestrian he found that the trip had rendered him mute somehow. if he tries his ends up with a burning sensation and pain in his throat.
I am rereading this a just realized that the address is very important later on in the story
3869757 I think it says in the first chapter that he's mute.
3869757 ......... discord
Damn, that was... Deep, it affected me more than it should have. Ah, fuck who am I kidding? I'm almost in tears, that was emotional. At least now we know the poor bastard isn't being neutered or branded, that's at least something. But he just got taken away from his only friend... Fuck... At least he's in the care of Celestia, that's a bonus and she definitely seems nice. Brilliant stuff, fucking loving it.
What the hell! He makes noises! He isn't mute! Why doesn't he speak to them?
3940827 He isn't mute but he can still make noises. It gets apparent in future chapters why he can't talk. For now, roll with it.
Um, if he wanted to communicate, why didn't he violently shake his head when they were TALKING ABOUT HAVING HIM NEUTERED!?
Magical speech inhibition sucks, but Celestia has got to see he's different, no?
Not to be a downer, but couldn't he just write his messages out to people?! After all, their written language is the SAME!
Definitely inspired by The Planet of the Apes.
Shit son, I wish that I had read this sooner! Dis is sum gud ass shit!
4361734 And what would he write on, or with?
I FACEHOOF AT YOU!!
EMPHASIS ON THE !!!!!
4475196 Dude, he coulda just grabbed the freakin pony with a feather/quill for a cutie mark, point at it and bam! Or just get some random stuff while they pass on by a store.
CREATIVE THINKING.
4500929 well... his hands WERE bound, and grabbing a random pony just to ask for a quill and paper might be seen as aggression.
If only...
No.
Probably too loud.
Perhaps "human" is a bit of stretch.
Completely different animal, unless magic has really fucked them up.
What conversation...?
I'm glad that he is not in full control of his thoughts.
No one said that.
And it shall!
But... but the shoes!
4719839 That probably means it was a similar pair of shoes. Assuming that the author didn't walk into a contradiction.
"We continued in this uncomfortable silence, me and Sunny following behind the princess,"
- I and Sunny
"Me on the other hand, had had enough."
- I
4719839
This. Just, this.
*cough*
LuL, get wrekked
Just kidding.
But seriously, as I reread this for the third time since I started following it (I started following it way back when chapter 5 was first posted.) I can't help but enjoy the amount of foreshadowing hints left behind way back here.
~AnimatedGamer
Hey again, just found an error I thought you'd like to know about.
"...“You seemed to have managed to form quite an impressive bound with him in the two weeks you’ve spent together,”..." Should be 'bond'.
I have to say I really enjoy this chapter - it was great early insight into the tone and humor that the story would adopt for a time, and gave us a good look at our protagonist. It also gave us some early game intrigue, what with Celestia's strange actions and all. Overall a very enjoyable chapter, one that can only be summed up with - Poor, poor max.
*didn't
Great chapter, though!
4504652
That and they were in the castle.
I take it Max is the only human in equestria that is intelligent?
Damn it author.. You're not allowed to use such feely feels! *gross sobbing at the parting of Sunny*