Darunian
Joined 19th Jun, 2013 ·
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wait...i thought rose was a female????
2744569 It's complicated
2744575
No its a problem. We call them Changelings
2744569 it wasn't rose!
2744743 I would update that if there were a way to set spoiler tags.
This story is badly written, plain and simple. you need to learn a concept known as "Show, don't tell".
You don't show the reader what is happening, you're just telling them what happens and that is poor storytelling. Your first paragraph is the perfect example:
"Caramel licked the envelope shut with an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. He trotted triumphantly from the desk he had been writing at, past the nearby bin that was overflowing with previous attempts. He even managed to step on a few that had spilled onto the floor, confident his newest creation was what he was after. He held in his mouth the prize he had set down to write, the greatest love letter in the history of Equestria. Well, perhaps not the greatest in Equestria, but it didn't hurt to hope. Besides, all that mattered was that Rose saw its worth."
This is filled with so much clutter words and filler detail that it just isn;t worth reading. You're just dawdling on exaggerated exposition that the reader has no reason to care about.
I have included my own edit of this paragraph which should help exemplify a more efficent type of story-telling:
"Caramel licked the envelope shut and trotted triumphantly from his desk. Passing by a bin overflowing with previous attempts, crushing loose regrets under his hoof, he felt confident his newest creation. He held what he believed was the greatest love letter in the history of Equestria in his lips. If a certain pony named Rose saw its worth, it truly would be the greatest."
As you can see, I can tell just as much, if not more, of a story with far less words. Good storytelling can tell a detailed story with as few words as possible, giving the reader a guarantee that the time spent reading this story will be worth it.
2744768 A little harsh, but hey, you make a solid point. Concise writing isn't something that can be just turned on, however. Nonetheless, I'll pull that into consideration as I write further down the line.
2744781
>Concise writing isn't something that can be just turned on, however
But it is something can be learned through study. I have just the book for you to read if you care about improving your literature. It's called "The Element of Style" by William Strunk, Jr. and E. B. White. You can find a copy in your local library, or if you're lazy, here is a PDF of the book found on the first page of a google search http://www.cs.vu.nl/~jms/doc/elos.pdf
Another method of study is to jsut read books, see examples of professional writing and storytelling.
Read it, study it, and I guarantee your writing will improve.
2744815 Thanks, that's the kind of feedback I'm looking for. I'll be sure to give the guide a read.
I found the concept of this story very interesting and I liked it very much over all. I absolutely adore changlings.
My only real critic is that your words get a little redundant. You repeat yourself, and its just unnessacery. Though I would disagree with you actively shortening the way you write. I like your detail very much. But because you go out of your way to write detail sometimes it goes around in circles. The only scene where I really had an issues with that was the part where Caramel was eatting dinner. You simply said the word "meal" too many times.
I would just suggest being more careful about HOW you write detail. Detail is all fine and good, but when you spend too long on a scene the detail becomes redundant.
I red it but had to read it again because I got confused.
Cause "I think I would have noticed you having a dick" NEVER CAME (shut it) TO MIND!
2744768
I wonder when people will learn that 'show' and 'tell' are two different concepts, and neither is better than the other...
Good story, a little plain, but I liked it.
Well the idea is not such a new idea as in the whole
"oh she was a girl! no wait she a girly man" subject with Caramel (really why is he fanon's "go to gay" next to brae burn?")
The Issue of the story is that the whole second part Isn't needed and just repeats it self the only real factor that changes is male rose is top and Caramel is bottom.
The other glaring fact is he just doesn't care that rose is a trap and just keep going like noting happen.
Normally in caramel X trap story's we at least have a few lines were Caramel at least take a step back before going balls deep into M/M sex. as Caramel and pinkie both believe that rose is a female
so Tl;DR version
-trim down the fat a bit, the details are nice to a point there not much need to rewrite the sex x2 if you just change the roles from a top and bottom
-Also in this case make the trap subject at least be a bump in the road before moving on
Oh Caramel, of she'll have as many thorns, because EVEERRRRYYY ROSE HAS IT THORNS, JUST LIKE EVERY BRAEBURN HAS A SAD, SAD SONG.
Also, I found an ingrammatical success:
and arrousing thoughts
BAAAAAAAAA!
wow didn't see that coming....... Will atless he got laid for a min i thos she was a herm
wait im confused , so was that really all a dream within a dream?....