This..Is Really good!

Battleships are magic?

I mad a smile on my face anticipating the reactions of all involved with a meeting here so Kudos to you for that. I'll be watching you closele.

Worth a read and well written. I approve!

Not bad.

Yup. Definitely tracking...

I like, please do continue this story

tracked.

In the navy, lived on a ship, totally understand that line, "Um, orders, sir?"

This has potential

I love seeing quirky ideas for crossover fics. I have this a track and am excited for the next chapter.

Wow. This is well written and interesting. I'm tracking this.

It's pretty good, but there is a big error in your story in that the captain of the Wisconsin was Captain Jerry Blesch, not Mittal. Here's a list of the ship's history (for you, and everyone else reading this post) for the record. Everything else is bang on though.

>>223517223517

This is fiction.  Tom Clancy never used real people.  

Thanks for the link.  I've been tripping all over myself trying to keep things historically accurate, yet still get a freaking battlship to Equestria.

*Glasses Off* Shit just got real.

>>224107224107

Of course he did! They just had a tendency to be conveniently become irrelevant or die before the fictional characters got involved in events.

Fire the 16inch MOAR Battery

5

4

3

2

1

FIRE

MOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

MOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

MOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

DIRECT HIT SIR

I'm literally laughing out loud at some of these comments.

I have a suggestion. Maybe you could make it that a few more ships got pulled through, but turned up in other areas of the storm.

I can just tell Rarity must be horrified by a Marine's uniform. Waiting for the next chapter, comrade.

Is this based off of the Destroyerman series? If it is, then this will be so awesome.

>>224198224198

I probably won't.  Stories are all about conflict and the struggles to resolve it.  With the rest of the battle group to support her, Wisconsin would turn into one giant steel Mary Sue.  It would be too easy, and then the story would end early.  I don't want that, and I'm sure you don't either.

>>224292224292

I actually was planning something like that.

>>224422224422

Never heard of the series before you mentioned it.  I might have to check it out.

Poast more, sleep less!

Srsly, can't wait to get past this horrible cliffhanger!

...I got nothing else.

Dayumm. USS Wisconsin will deliver some serious fire if anything fucks with them.

Tracking.

Great work so far, keep it going and we'll see how you do!

>>224107224107

You're welcome. I suggest checking out that site and others for more information on the Wisconsin, maybe even asking the curators of its historical society some questions, in order to be as accurate as possible.

Also, this is indeed very good so far. I'll be tracking to see how this develops in the future.

You have most definitely caught my attention, good sir. This is wunderbar so far!

I eagerly await the next update!

lol, nice

short, but well made with few grammatical errors. I applaude you sir.

also first

This is good.  Keep it up.

Three chappies in one day?! Awesome!

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

FIRE ALL MOAR BATTERYS!!

LOADED AND READY TO FIRE

FIRE

Image: http://media.moddb.com/images/groups/1/3/2103/SHIP_Battleship_Iowa_Front_Firing_lg.jpg

Honestly, this felt rushed and choppy, I prefer the first two chapters far more. Sorry

Damn you Thedever!!!! You stole my first's!!!!

>>225218225218

Overkill: So rarely necessary, so often fun!

>>225227225227

Don't feel bad.  I think you're the first person to actually give me constructive criticism.  You're right, I am rushing.  Too many ideas at once.

I'll make up for it with some really neat dialogue in ch4.

>>225218225218

Darn it, you ruined the surprise!

If nothing else, try going for longer chapters. That should help the pace a good bit.

First contact was a little more rushed than ought to be IMO. Then again, it's a refreshing change for ponies and humans to immediately get along. You lack the cynical misanthropism that most HiE writers seem to have,

MOAR! :3

IMHO you should have written out the scene with the marines meeting the mane 6. It was prehaps the most important scene in the chapter and it happend "off screen".

This way I'm left wondering, why it went so well. Are marines trained to make first contact with extrateresstian lifeforms?

And I can agree that it felt rushed. Just take your time to write and edit. Us readers can wait a few days for new chapters.

“What is that thing, anyway?” said the rainbow pegasus, pointing a hoof at the helicopter.  “It doesn’t look like it should fly.”

I've got to point out that RD's Tank can fly using a propeller stuck to his back. So this kinda goes against canon.

Enjoyable, but the other commenters are right. Unlike the first two chapters, this one felt much more rushed. I would have loved to see more of the conversation between the marine landing party and the ponies, for instance... and a little bit more of what I like to call the "WTF moment" on the part of the humans. It felt like they took discovering the dominant sentient species on the new planet is a race of magical ponies a little too in stride.

I'm not saying you needed to spend another 3k works on those things or anything... but a little bit more exposition to set the mood and scene would have been nice.

Nevertheless, the story itself was well-written and I continue to look forward to new chapters.

>>226210226210

To be fair, Tank in no way looks like it should be able to fly either... but such is the power of magic.

As others have said, it was way too choppy. The humans were too nonchalant about everything, the first contact scene was left out, there simply is no way for the timeline to make any sense since it would have taken at least an hour at the soonest to get the chopper ready and fly the no doubt dozens of miles to Canterlot (that whole scene really doesn't make any sense in the first place since the crew of the Wisconsin should have waited for the Equestrians to send a diplomatic envoy to be polite and save on fuel), Twilight's abilities seem to be a bit overstated considering that that the most distance she's ever teleported has been a few hundred feet, and darnit, it's the United States Navy not the United States of America Navy.

First reaction: Oh great. Another failed attempt at HiE story.

Second reaction after reading Ch1: Hell yes, I am tracking this!!! Man your battle stations and prepare for some epic reading!!!

Haven't read yet, but the description sounds like that movie from the 80's "The Final Countdown"...which I loved   

I see it now I se everthing now, ITS TIME TO GO FIND THAT STORM SO I CAN BE IN EQUESTRIA!

tracking

>>226579226579

I remember reading about that movie...

Hmm...I'm gonna play this while I read-

Image: http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/393948_291972170855911_186592251393904_764773_1764669509_n.jpg

I love it I love it so much

I 5/5 !

wo anything that deals with the navy im game for be readen l8er

Image: http://www.scificool.com/images/2009/11/Battleship_003.jpg

Captain Awesome to Brigadier FuckYea Guy, over.

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/001/987/fyeah.jpg

Yessir?

Image: http://www.scificool.com/images/2009/11/Battleship_003.jpg

Prepare to fire the Moartars at Patience's ship!

Image: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgkbszjeX41qc5azro1_500.jpg

This is the Moartar crew, we are Good To Go!

Image: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9vc-wFnXL3Q/TFEZ89rVzBI/AAAAAAAABzQ/T1hkG555bsw/s1600/SHIP_Battleship_Iowa_Front_Firing_lg.jpg

Fire!

Image: http://www.ibiblio.org/phha/arizona/attack10.jpg

Mission accomplished!  NEXT CHAPTER PLEASE!

A very good idea. It seemed a little bit rushed, but very good nevertheless. Could you try to slow down a tiny bit ?

>>224292224292 what you talking about?!?

the Marine Corp. uniform is one of the best looking uniforms in the united states military

lol

im not hating by the way

just speaking my mind

that is all

kthanxbai

>>226579226579

That was a GREAT movie. Loved that one.

Hey author, it seems we had similar ideas when creating our names. =D

This reminds me so much of a japenese anime about a ship falling into the past and having to choose sides, im like this very much, hoping for some good combat descriptions and awsome battleship action!

>>226461226461 Yea, I also thought it was odd that the humans didn't wait for a diplomat from equestria to contact them initaly. Timeline is a little odd too, but I think these are fairly minor plot holes. I liked it anyway.

>>226593226593  YES!  I think shall also partake in such a game.  

I am glad that I came across this story and I look forward to reading more in the future!  

reading this while listening to Edwin Starr's "War".............

THE EPICNESS HAS BEEN DOUBLED!

'Stay tuned.  We set sail for Zebrica soon'

What you did there. It's there, and I see it.

>>226714226714 Sweet I got my second player

Going to track. Interested to see where this goes.

This is fantastic. I just love the fact that the Wisconsin is used because I have actually stood on that ship. One of the advantages of living so close to Norfolk is being able to stand on a battleship on a whim.

Navybrony checking in. Tracking this so I can read it later. Something tells me that this is gonna be good.

'The Final Countdown' I've been wondering what the name of that movie was. This story reminds me of it so much. I'm looking forward to the Wisconsin getting to use her guns.

I am liking it so far. But as some others have said, the story is going by to fast.

This was about ten times better than I originally thought it would be. It has given me a rather large feeling of "AMERICA FUCK YEAH" at the moment. Now I just want to see some of what makes the US Navy and The Marines some of the best warriors in the world... Taking beach heads and big boats and bigger guns.

>>226881226881

if it had been a carrier brough to equestria....well, lets just say that

FUCK YOU DRAGONS! WE GOT MISSILES AND SUPERSONIC JETS BEEEEETCH

or if it was a nuke sun it would be

DIE BEEEEEEEEETCHES! TAST NUKEZ!!!

This is turning out surprisingly well! Stuff seems to happen a tad bit fast... but interesting nonetheless!

Oh yeah! Also:

Those dragons don't stand a chance.

>>226461226461

Yeah the author needs to be careful. Him rushing things, not pacing properly, and glossing over major events is turning a great story into just a 'good' story.

when i read this story. i ws realy hoping for soem dutch sailors.......but oke, americans sailers are a good exeption. aslo LOOOVE THE STORY.

GO WISCONSIN!!!!! CHEESE HEADS UNITE!!!!!

(If you haven't guessed, I live in Wisconsin!)

It still feels rushed and it's really pushing the bounds of what I'm willing to buy with the setup we've been given. The Captain was pretty quick to be willing to commit the lives of his men to what is in effect a foreign war. Given the circumstances it's the right decision but I don't think that it's been fleshed out enough to justify that within the story.

I'm on the fence about this story but I think I'll end my comments here. It'd probably take a bunch of revising to make me happy. If you keep on it you may want to find a good editor or such you can give you lots of feedback. Perhaps a trip to ponychan's /fic/ board?

I'm interested in this solely because of the Battleship USS Wisconsin...

I can't help but to think about "The final countdown" (The movie, not the song).

Tracking with the force of 1,000 men.

Those dragons are FUCKED!

But if it were a carrier...

Those dragons would be wiped off the map.

Well, I think all the current problems with this story can be summed up pretty succinctly in four words: you're moving too fast! Seriously, 8,335 words is far too little time to go from "We're on an alien planet!" to "Men, soon we shall be transfered to stations in the Kingdom of Heaven. To war!" In addition, two chapters a day is way past the point when most author's quality control just gets overloaded. There have been several key points that have been glossed over that really need addressing in this story too.

Why is the captain or crew not more concerned about fuel? Battleships travel with a support fleet because they require a lot of food, cleanliness supplies, ammunition, and fuel, among other things. Iowas not only consume a ton of fuel, but they also consume a lot of a specific kind of fuel -- Seahawks are the same way. Put the wrong kind of fuel in and the whole system destroys itself.

Why is Twilight allowed to just come and go? She might have diplomatic immunity, but she's still an unauthorized intruder on a US military vessel in this chapter. Why is she just allowed to teleport away with the captain?

Who exactly is this captain? Four chapters in and the only thing we know about this major character is his name, rank, and tendency to make impulsive decisions and speeches. If you want to avoid this character ending up as either a cardboard cutout or the often lampooned Captain Johnathan Archer of Star Trek I suggest you, and I've seen this work before, make a biography of the character. I'm dead serious, make a complete biography of the character listing all the major events in his life, quirks, and just general notes about him. Even if you only use a quarter of the stuff you write down in the story proper it will fix the character like you wouldn't believe, if you keep everything in the bio in mind.

Finally, and most importantly, just how in the world is the Wisconsin supposed to make a crucial difference in this war? The main guns only have a range of a few dozen miles, and the Tomahawks need precise coordinates from a satellite or equally precise maps of an area in order to hit anything. So unless Zebrica is an archipelago the Wisconsin can be beat by the dragons simply moving in-land.

Agreed it feels a bit rushed. Celestia seems somewhat militant at the same time less regal. I'd have thought the captain might be a tad concearned with the prospect of returning home and having to explain not only where he's been but why his ship is missing a few million dollars worth of ordinance.

Speaking of which, the tomahawk cruise missiles the ship carries are at this time rather experimental, and not combat proven. Historically, this crew and captain would be rather uncertain as to whether they will actually work as advertised.

nice work with the characterization of the crew and the role of leadership.

Technical quibble with regard to not recognizing the constellations: At the very least, Equestria canonically seems to have Orion in its night sky (name-dropped by Twilight complete with the right number of belt stars in, IIRC, "Suited For Success"), which is one of the most prominent and easily identified constellations in real life as well. There may for all we know be more matches.

Tracking this story harder than any radar array on that ship.

But can I say that it's uncanny how no human has ever been surprised at the name 'Manehatten' in these stories?

The comments praise this highly. I will check back once in a bit. Hope what I'm doing doesn't take long!

A battleship crossover? Ok, it's official, I've seen everything now, and it's awesome!

>Screen name: totallynotabrony

Pretty much everyone on the ship is thinking that right now.

Seriously though. The story, in my opinion, is a bit rushed. But I absolutely love the premise.

Keep up the good work.

Excellent story so far, keep up the good work.

Excellent story so far, keep up the good work.

I live in Wisconsin, thus am have achieved status: You live in Wisconsin.

You modeled the situation on the Pony-world too closely to that of the situation the battleship was heading off for in the first place. It strains credibility.

If I was on that ship, my first guess would be that there was a traitor, or VERY stealthy agent onboard who had applied a hacking program to the communications and navigational  arrays. Actually, more plausibly, they would have been splicing hardware into the various lines running down from the mast (and other antenna locations?) during the storm. Pre-recorded, or more likely, NO data is being transmitted from the ship, and all incoming data is tampered with. They would have to confirm that wasn't the truth before they would even CONSIDER technicolor ponies. Any visual sightings of the coastline would mean that the navigation system had been tampered with to bend the course around, perhaps with the intend of running them aground. This would have to include any back-up magnetic or gyroscopic compasses in actual use (dunno if the navigators only pull those out when the GPS is offline, or if there are ALSO some built into the automatic navigation system, but since the GPS DID go off-line at some point...).

On a related note you might want to mention what the depth sensors/antisubmarine sonars were reporting, assuming they had those on (and I would THINK that if everything was going wrong with the normal navigational methods the navigator would be pulsing the depth sensor and/or active sonar occasionally just so they don't ram a cruise-liner. or something equally embarrassing). Then again, American PASSIVE sonar is good enough that between listening for screws and the stalwart souls in the crow's nest (do they still call it that?) there might be good enough collision avoidance, despite all the noise from the storm (filter it out in whatever way).

>>226461226461 Marines and sailors are trained to deal with the mental stress of combat. because of this i believe the human's reaction to the ponies was well interpreted. they are trained to deal with the circumstances, and they are. lol

and i bet there are a few bronies on that ship

I just don't understand, why do soldier in Equestria stories seem to be the best working HiE stories? They really shouldn't, but they do! I can't wait for more!

Oh gawd, Ponies + Navy? ALL OF MY WANT!!! I'm not a big fan of humans in Equestria, but this sure as hell has my attention. Keep up the great work!

SPOILER ALERT!!!

A friend of hers had spotted an enormous ship sailing in the Equestrian Sea.

-Twilight would have specified "Rainbow Dash"(When giving scientific or military data, the source can be important as far as the ability to accurately report what they observed) and Luna would probably know who that was, based on the fact that she recognized Twilight in "Luna Eclipsed".

i agree with many previous comments

its a tad rushed

other than that

good job

that is all

kthanxbai

Just now got around to looking into this story...  It's fun, if a bit comic-book-ish (i.e. rushed, superficial).  Here are a few things that struck me:

It's almost a shame they have a Seahawk helicopter instead of an older CH-53 Sea Stallion.  Because, you know...  The name.  How can a writer resist that?  

Twilight's ability to teleport herself and others over long distances seems way out of proportion.  I realize it makes things fast and convenient for the author to move the story along, but daaaayum.  I'd be embarrassed to even write a story where Celestia can do that.  

There is no possible way that taking a side in this war could be legal.  They've all sworn a loyalty oath to the US Constitution, and that document is quite specific that only The Congress can declare war.  The problem there, of course, is that you're left without much of a story.  I can imagine some possible ways they could be convinced or compelled to do it anyhow -- but I can't picture it being the quick and easy decision that the story makes it sound like.

Having said all that...  I do actually enjoy this story.  If this was in a DC or Marvel comic book, I wouldn't even blink at the issues above, because it would be right in line with that genre.  (And let's not get too full of ourselves, because everything we do here is based on a kiddie cartoon anyhow!)  If anything, it's the more realistic details about the ship's equipment and operations that got me started looking for a stricter standard of plausibility.

Its kind of...meh. Interesting concept, but it could be lengthened...by a lot.

Now, i dont know how well stocked the American Navy ships are, but i know that in the Royal Canadian Navy, the ships don't usually go longer than 15-25 days at sea, longer if a resupply ship is available. How long will the Wisconsin be able to stay in Equestria before they start running low on fuel and the likes?

All in all though, i am absolutely LOVING this story, keep it up!

*looks at title*

Hell yes.

We have flying ponies, I'm not worried about credibility here.

I AM disappointed it's not an aircraft carrier.  The movie reference was the first thing I thought of when I saw the description!  Just think, we've lost the opportunity for using deck launch assistance for pegasii...