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Emeral Bookwise

Joined May 2012
98 followers

A seeker of truth in the lonely night -- also a compulsive perfectionist that tends to spend more time planning what to do and how to do it, than actually doing anything he plans.

Stories (7)

  • Griffin Over the Line
    A Lunaverse fic, where Raindrops must contend with the antics of Rainbow Dash and Gilda.

    13,252 words · 3,782 views · 280 likes · 6 dislikes
  • Boast Busted: the Lost Tales
    Lunaverse: Twilight lectures a group of so called "sirens".
    3,601 words · 2,561 views · 155 likes · 3 dislikes
  • A Final Crisis of Conscience
    Lunaverse: after the events of CO2E, Twilight is finally ready to turn her self in to the authorities, but can she really bring herself to take that final step?
    1,381 words · 1,347 views · 128 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Sergeant-at-Hooves
    Lunaverse: Cheerilee goes overboard when trying to prepare for the fight against Corona.
    3,789 words · 845 views · 60 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Elements of Insanity
    48,156 words · 3,170 views · 126 likes · 9 dislikes
  • Of Wands and Wizards
    8,200 words · 1,110 views · 100 likes · 8 dislikes
  • Broken Tiara
    1,861 words · 1,210 views · 39 likes · 3 dislikes

Blog Posts (18)


Trixie and her friends decide they need to be more able and prepared in the fight against the tyrant sun and her minions.  Being the most tactically minded of the group, Cheerilee takes it on herself to go the extra mile in making sure everypony is at their best, but maybe she's taking things a bit to far...

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-- A season 2 fic for RainbowDoubleDash's Lunaverse.

-- Cover art elements by BlackGryph0n, boem777, Yanoda, Ocarina0fTimelord, extreme-sonic, lecza1234, and Hawk9mm.

First Published
6th Oct 2013
Last Modified
6th Oct 2013

Comments ( 38 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · 3 · ·

"Why, of course I do. It's a half-past sunrise, which means your late."

That should be you're.

Ye gods, but I hate homophones and English language.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Oh, goody. She's turning into freaking Neidermeyer!!!

Oh.

Wait.

That was the point, wasn't it?

#3 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

I'm imagining Cheerilee with a pair of reflective glasses and an army uniform when she grills them at the end.

#4 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · 2 · ·

The underlined word should be "dessert". One does not habitually partake of a geographic area of low rainfall after eating a meal. At least, that's not how my momma raised me.

#5 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

This is pretty fun and looks like it might shape into something rather interesting.  Didn't much care for how quickly Cheerilee got into the whole drill sergeant role though.  Could have used more from her perspective honestly.  Overall though a rather nice piece so far.  Added to my favorites and alert list.  I look forward to the next.

#6 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

Nice. Cheerilee really needs to lighten up a little bit.

#7 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

>>3310932 Slaughter could give her a tip or three.

Anyway, not too bad. Only a few typos here and there. Quite funny in places, too. Nice mythology gags.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

I like this so far. Cheerilee makes a fun drill sergeant, and I love how all the other ponies are interacting. Also, nice callbacks to the various other catastrophes the ponies have weathered. They certainly have been through a lot!

The mud bits were especially comical :-)

When in the season is this happening? Is this early on, in Fall, or is it later, during Spring or Summer?

I think my only big question so far is why the L6 haven't gotten a real trainer. Even if they don't or can't get an actual trainer from the military, I'd be very surprised if Cheerilee or Big Mac didn't know a retired drill sergeant or mercenary with actual training (or, at least, lots of experience) in whipping newbies up to par, or at least have an idea of where to look for one. Cheerilee could also participate if another pony took over the drill sergeant role. But I'm guessing a reason for this will be forthcoming, so I'm not worried.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

I admit that Cheerilee as the Element of Laughter requires interpretation on the audience's part.  But from the hints at the conflict this chapter and the description gives, how does Cheerilee slip into her antithesis so relatively quickly, under circumstances that aren't even dire?

#10 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

>>3310997

A legitimate concern, but at the same time Cheerilee going drill sergeant is more or less the whole point premise of this fic, so there really wouldn't be much story worth telling before she starts flipping out, and this isn't really meant to be a long fic either.  I'd also like to think that while what we're seeing here is something that's been building up behind the scenes for some time now (and RDD was even kind enough to give me a bit of a preliminary setup in Tambelon).  Either way though, I did try to keep it pretty mild for most of this first chapter, with the worst of it only coming after she gets a face full of mud and so is probably more angry than crazy.

>>3311208

Slaughter could at that, though after this start Cheerilee might be inclined to take any advice he has to offer.

>>3311275

Early fall.  Somewhere between 1 week and 1 month after the events of Tambelon so far as I'm concerned, but final positioning is up to RDD.

As for why they didn't get a professional military officer to train them, well the main reason is narrative conceit, keeping a tighter focus on the main cast rather than bringing in random OC's out of nowhere.  Also, if they just hired some pony to come in and train them, then when he started going overboard they could just as easily fire him, even if he wouldn't take the rejection very well, such a characters would still be a very different kind of antagonist, whereas with Cheerilee the other L6 actually have to come together to help her and each other out as friends.

As for the in setting excuse, ostensibly this all just started as them deciding to get more physically fit, with Cheerilee incrementally building up from just an overbearing school teacher into more of a full on drill sergeant.  Regardless of Cheerilee being the one asking things most  seriously, it's something that they are all serious about and committed to, but at the same time still treating with a somewhat casual attitude, which is why they also indulging in a bit of goofing around.  Further more, I think that for all of them it's also something of a matter of personal pride; they are the heroes of destiny, such as it were, and so each feels perfectly up to the responsibility of stepping up their own game without needing to bring in any outsiders.  Though of course getting some help from other ponies around town is fair game, that's why Cheerilee had Rainbow Dash help design and set up the obstacle course.  Some other ponies, like Big Mac, might be involved later on as well.

>>3311481

Well, partly it's supposed to be a build up of stress from past stories, wherein the characters have been put in life harrowing situations, often with little to no warning.  No one thing ever really broke her, but it's still been building up over time.  Things aren't dire now, but they have been in the past, and there is legitimate reason for her to be concerned that it might all get a lot worse before it gets better.

Cheerilee may be the Element of Laughter, but she's also a teacher, and as revealed in Hero of Oatan she first persuaded that career out of the motivation that had she and her old gang been more educated then he'd have run into less trouble while traveling abroad.  This is sort of an extension of that concept.  Still, the disparity between her element and her actions in this fic is something I'm going to try and address within the course of events as they play out.

Also, consider that even on the show we've seen characters like Fluttershy undergo similarly drastic persona shifts, such as in The Best Night Ever or Putting Your Hoof Down.   If the OFFICIAL element of kindness can go into the occasional berserk rage, than I don't think the premise of this fic is to far out of line.

#11 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

Trixie doing exercises with Raindrops?

Carrot Top practicing her death-glare?

Trixie's bad experience with wheels?

So many references!!!!!

#12 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

Is Cheerilee going to call them 'maggots' by the end??

#13 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

And now the extreme training montage begins! Cheerilee needs to break out the inspiring 80s rock music.

Raindrops' dream was an amusing opener, though I never would've imagined bread being so... er... provocative.

This is a good, simple start to this story, with the whole crew getting into things and Cheerilee not so much freaking out yet, just trying to instill a little seriousness and discipline into her friends. She's got a point, at least, that given previous events and the very real upcoming threats that the L6 should take training themselves like this seriously.

Cheerilee's kind of the only one of the group that has experience being the leader of a group of ponies in potentially dangerous circumstances, like with her old gang. So I can totally see her having trace bits of her 'alpha of the pack' personality, combining with her schoolteacher tendencies, getting her to go into a full on drill-Sargent mode. She pushes because she cares. I'm waiting now for her to break out the training weights.

#14 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

Someone is getting carried away. The element ponies are always the unstable ones.

#15 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

It has a nice callback to Tambelon.  About Tambelon, with another blast from the Elements, Corona is less crazy and somewhat weakened.  I can see her becoming the Celestia from the future Adult Dinky and PipSqueek know and love.  As it is, Celestia acts like a motherbear:

My grandfather once told me about 2 drunk idiots who came across a bearcub.  Rather than back away slowly, 1 of them took a running kick at the cub.  The mother tore that idiot to pieces, while his friend ran back to town, where he relayed the idiocy of his friend.  Corona is like a motherbear permanently stuck in attackmode.

#16 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 1d ago · · ·

There is a slight mistake there. In french, qui is masculine. The feminine is que.

#17 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 18h ago · · ·

>>3313399

And that is a perfect example of survival of the not incredibly dumb.

#18 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 16h ago · 1 · ·

Any chance of Cheerilee's attitude bleeding through into her day job?

"Snails this maths test is a disgrace! Now get on the floor and give me 20!"

I'm sure Scootaloo would love to try out the obstacle course particularly is they replaced the flaming hoops.

#19 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 16h ago · 1 · ·

>>3315315

I'm sure Scootaloo would love to try out the obstacle course particularly is they replaced the flaming hoops.

What?  Now way!  Do you know who put those flaming hoops on the course?  It was RAINBOW DASH!  Why would Scoots ever skip out on an obstacle desigend by her idol?! :scootangel:

#20 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 16h ago · 1 · ·

>>3315324

That's what I meant, if they put them back. With them removed the course is only cool, with them added then its made of pure awesome sauce.

#21 · Chapter 1 · 51w, 16h ago · 1 · ·

>>3315440

Ah, then we are agreed.

On a related side note -- since Scoots is sort of maybe part of Cheerilee's supporting cast as well as Rainbow Dash's #1 fan, I considered mentionong that she also helpped with desinging the course.  Ultimatly it felt a little forced to mention her specificaly, but it might possibly still be true.

#22 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

Cheerilee. Wat R u doin. Cheerilee. STAHP.

That raspberry. I don't know why, but that stood out as such a good Trixie moment. Just exactly something she would do, and she would do it to Raindrops to boot.

Also, they been exercising, hmm? Shipping senses....tingling. :pinkiehappy:

>>3315483

Maybe Scoots will find a way in later. :scootangel:

#23 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

Sorry it took m e so long to review, this was an entertaining ride overall, I do agree with Bree that Cheerilee seems to have snapped a bit soon given her personality, and some the scene were a bit more tell or rushed, but those where in the minority. Overall I found everyone in character, the descriptions evocative and the dialogue excellent.

#24 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

>>3331110

Hey, I can hardly complain about the delay, given I've still not finshed that fic of yours. :unsuresweetie:

However, I'm especially glad this fic mostly meets with your aproval.  As I've said elsewher, I'm aware that I'm kind of rushing into Cheerilee's breakdown, but this is intended to be a more simple three act story so I kind of needed to as prior to her snapping there just isn't much of a story tell.  Ideally this is perhapse a fic that needs a whole preceeding fic to set it up (and RDD sort of gave me that with some subtle call forwards in Tambelon).

Really though I like to think of her break down here is just something that's been building up over time.  That's why I made sure to call back to pervios encounters with Corona or her minions.  I'd also wager the events of Oaton might weigh a bit heavy on her consiance seeing as how part of the problems they faced there where troubes from her own past.  As I see it this is just where things finally reach a boiling point.  I do intend to dwell a bit deepr into Cheerilees psycology in future chapters, but for this opening I wanted more of an outsider looking in approach, because well, I sort of want the snap to seemingly come out of nowhere.

I did still try to be somewhat reseved, and even give her an excuse to be angry when she finally starts yelling.  Plus, I don't think this is really any more outside Cheerilee's character than the occasional bout of "Fluterrage" is on the show.  Besides, we've already seen in fics like Scootalong that Cheerileecan be prone to similar such breakdowns.

#25 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 4d ago · · ·

>>3331226

Hey, I can hardly complain about the delay, given I've still not finshed that fic of yours.

Don't fret too much, oh and I got someoen form the proofreader group who's also being super helpful so thank you for that suggestion, I'll have to update chapter 1 soon with all the edits.

On Cheerilee's breakdown, I can see your point and it's a good one as well, I do still feel maybe a prologue could have helped, it could also break up the set pieces if that became necessary, by taking place elsewhere. It's mostly a lack of framing, the suddenness does help contrast it against her normal behaviour though, as you said; a more steady break down, could, potentially have worked better, good mood day one, bad mood day two etc.

But I haven't seen where you plan on taking this analyses of her personality so I could also be painfully wrong and besides it's well written and your story, so what right have I to complain.

#26 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 4d ago · · ·

>>3331250

so what right have I to complain.
You have every right to complain, though likewise, I'm not really under any obligation to care.  Still, I do apreciate the critique, as well as the willingness to give me some benfit of the dout in regards to execution further chapters.

Besides, of all the potential complaints I was worried you might make, I'm glad this seems to have helped the rest slip under your radar. :twilightsheepish:

#27 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 4d ago · · ·

>>3331312

ah yes, the dream sequence, it wasn't flawed even if not to my taste. But dreams are weird things anyway so yeah. Sorry if that's an unsatisfying response, it was there, but there's nothing innately wrong with it form memory.:scootangel:

#28 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 4d ago · · ·

Seeing the cover image, I have to make this joke:

Cheerilee: Welcome to standing up school.

Trixie:*thud*

Cheerilee: Aaaaand you fail.

#29 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 3d ago · · ·

Not to sound like a grammar freak but just so you know tacitly comes from Latin and means "silent". I think you meant to write tactically.

#30 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 3d ago · · ·

>>3333668

Ouch, that mistake was just plain embarrassing on my part.  TY very much for pointing it out.

#31 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 3d ago · · ·

>>3333739 not a problem, I've seen many fanfics where (in the summary) the author misspells so many words that you don't want to even give the story a chance because of the grammar headaches that will follow, thankfully the first chapter doesn't have any that I saw. :) good luck on this and I will watch tos see where it goes :)

#32 · Chapter 1 · 50w, 1d ago · · ·

This seams like an awe:rainbowdetermined2:some story. I look forward to updates!! :trixieshiftleft:

#33 · Chapter 1 · 37w, 1d ago · · ·

Lol. Raindrops getting dreamblocked by Cheerilee's rude awakening. Although I'm sad that Cut 'n Dry doesn't get any love, such a cute unicorn too.  But yeah I like Drill Sergeant Cheerilee. No real complaints, a pretty solid beginning chapter, and looks like this is going to be a fun read. I eagerly await the next chapter.

#34 · Chapter 1 · 37w, 1d ago · · ·

>>3778658

While I absolutely love Cut'n'dry, it's worth keeping in mind that was always a one way ship that Raindrops was largely oblivious too, probably because she just doesn't have any innate romantic inclinations towards mares.  Which is not to say Cut'n'dry could never win her heart, though I don't think she the type to ever try forcing such a thing either.  Regardless she's not likely to show up in Raindrops' dreams in that kind of capacity after only their short interactions, least of all months later.  Plus, I think I tried to imply that the dream stallion was also the cover model for the book Raindrops was reading the night before and fell asleep with.

Anyway, thanks for the compliments, guess I need to put some extra effort into pumping out that next chapter.

#35 · Chapter 1 · 37w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

>>3778711

That'd be cool. Seeing the Ninja-Sensei, Reneighssance Mare Cheerilee share her plethora of questionably legal knowledge and skills to get them into shape'll be interesting to see. Even if she only uses what she knows to get them fit-ish before they go mad.  

#36 · Chapter 1 · 34w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

when next chapter ?

#37 · Chapter 1 · 28w, 6d ago · · ·

Heh, I quite like Drill Sargeant Cherilee.

#38 · Chapter 1 · 18w, 2d ago · · ·

Good:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::moustache:

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