The Oak Leaf

When Fluttershy confides her love for Rainbow Dash, all does not go smoothly when her friends try to help, and it seems Fluttershy isn't the only pony keeping a secret.

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Comments ( 6 )

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Souldin

Souldin #1 · Feb 14th, 2012 · 2 · ·

Sometimes a reader likes a fanfic on the basis of what it does rather than how well it does it, which either fortunately or unfortunately for you is the predicament I have here. The writing of this fanfic at best is about average however, thanks to the inclusion of FlutterDash, Rarity and Pinkie Pie working as matchmakers, the dolls, and an oblivious Rainbow, I found myself overlooking the execution and focusing on what was being presented. To summarise what I mean, I love FlutterDash, I love how you have portrayed the pairing, I love how you've used Pinkie Pie and Rarity in this fanfic (which is going to make my eventual fanfic seem a little less original because I also planned on using Pinkie Pie and Rarity as the matchmakers), and I love the idea of Fluttershy having a Rainbow Dash doll.

Though I have mentioned how I like this fanfic more so than its quality should warrant, it does not mean it lacks quality. For instance the vocabulary was pretty good and even suited the characters allowing them to feel and act like they should. Detail was usually overshadowed by a sea of dialogue but what was there was not only nice but promising, and the fairly decent vocabulary helps such things. The plot is simple but manages to make itself original with the way things play out (it also makes itself original by having neither Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash end up in a hospital, which seems to be a rather common thing for FlutterDash stories and Rainbow Dash stories in general). Best of all though was the humour, smiles and giggles were aplenty as I read this and your usage of wordplay was incredible.

Overall though the writing was rather simple. Speaking took up a lot of it, and often got confusing due to a lack of 'he said', 'she said'. Details were there but not often enough, and would have much helped break up the stream of dialogue or at least slowed down the speed of the conversations. Finally the ending feels rushed and confusing, 'why did Rainbow Dash start crying?' and 'why does Princess Celestia's letter seem so cryptic?' were questions I had on my mind once I finished and these are questions I should not need to think about. While I'm leaning on the side that says they are a couple now (because I adore the pairing) it doesn't feel very clear itself, with the only real feature to say that Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are together being the doll.

While this may not be the greatest of fanfics it is however an enjoyable one and also a promising one. There are plenty of areas for improvement, but nothing bad enough to make a reader cringe or drive them away and with those little bits of improvement this fanfic could really shine. As it stands now though it is a sweet, humorous, and nicely thought of FlutterDash story, which brought numerous smiles to my face. Great job, keep up the good work!

MidnightQuill

MidnightQuill #2 · Feb 14th, 2012 · · ·

220271
Thank you, I appreciate your criticism. Perhaps I edited it too much, or tried to convey too much through dialogue at the cost of a lack of detail elsewhere. At least it makes for a decent play. All three vagaries you mentioned were intentional. As for whether Fluttershy and Dash are a couple, only time will tell. It'd be more interesting to see their relationship grow than for me to say they lived happily ever after, so maybe in a later story I'll explore this.

Update: I considered what you said and added more detail.

emberghost