Ponyville Gets Screwed

by Jenohart

Big Macintosh gets Screwed

“These here apples are the best darn apples in all of Equestria!” The yellow filly declared, pride for her family’s legacy swelling within her.
“Ah put mah name on it!”

She stuck a hoof out and tapped the “Apple” portion of the “Sweet Apple Acres” sign. Sure, their whole family was named after apples and it was more like the proverbial it was putting its name on her, but good salesponies are never bogged down by the details.

The mare the little salespony was addressing removed her propeller cap with one hoof and scratched her head with the other. At the same time. Without falling over.

Wow, ah’ thought only Pinkie could do stuff like that.

The young filly was quietly pushed aside by a big red hoof. A more experienced salespony knows that first impressions are essential when dealing with new customers.

“Please excuse mah ‘lil sis” the big red owner of the hoof began in his usual drawl, ignoring the indignant pouting from the filly in question. “She gets worked up over the lil’est things.”

Big Macintosh was known as an honest, hardworking sort of pony. The mares that knew him would even go as far as to call him chivalrous. He was never one to judge a pony by their flank, and believed that a pony’s actions spoke greater volumes than their appearance.

But when a pony’s cutie mark is a metal screw and a baseball, and they wear a propeller hat like it came from Carousel Boutique, and they act weirder than Pinkie Pie on a Friday night, it’s hard not to automatically get the preconception that this pony was inherently odd. Speaking of Pinkie Pie…

“If Pinkie Pie hasn’t already rolled out the welcome wagon, she’s ‘prolly plannin’ yer surprise welcome party now. If’in that’s the case, let me be the first ‘ta welcome you to Ponyville miss…”

The pink mare broke her oscillating stare with the applecart to give Big Macintosh an odd-looking, yet genuinely warm smile.

“Goodbye! Me am Screwball! Bad to meet you!”

Right, definitely a weird one.

Not that it was a problem. He’d met weirde- no, actually. He had to admit that not the hyperactive party pony, not the adorably cross-eyed mailmare, not even that Canterlot unicorn that sits on benches funny was as weird as this new pony. She even speaks funny like that zebra he met once, only instead of rhymes, this mare speaks in opposites. Either that, or she was just really pleased about disliking everything.

That wasn't even the weirdest thing about her. Besides somehow hovering several feet off the ground and having bizarre spiralling eyes that put the mailmare’s ocular condition to shame, she had spent the entire conversation staring at the apples like they were the mythical singing seaponies of old pony legend. Surely even a foreign pony would know-

"What am those?"

By Celestia's fetlocks...

"These? Why these are apples! Golden delicious apples! The yummiest fruit 'ta grow under 'tha Princess' sun!" Applebloom had managed to squeeze out from behind her brother's dumbstruck form and taken up the advertising reins.
"Don't listen 'ta that Banana seller, her 'nanas 'aint got nothn' on these apples."

The odd pink mare scratched at her white-streaked fluffy indigo mane at hearing that, confusion rolling over her features.

"How them do eat you?"

It took several seconds for Applebloom to decipher the question asked of her. It took several more for her brain to comprehend the question at all. To a member of the apple family, asking how to eat apples is like asking how to breathe.

"Sweet Uncle Nelly's fritters! Y'all mean ta say you've never eaten an apple 'fore!? Big Mac, she's never eaten an apple 'fore! How awful!"

For his part, Big Macintosh was still far too confused to respond.

"Why, that jus' won't do. Y'all eat an apple like this!"
In swift movement, Applebloom bucked the cart with enough force to topple the first apple on the pile and grab it in her teeth. With a technique that had been passed down the apple family for generations, she devoured the apple down to the core in what seemed like a single bite. She smiled as she saw a wave of clarity and understanding dawn on her customer's face.

"Now you try one, on the house!"

Screwball smiled as Applebloom reached for another apple from a nearby bucket.

Big Macintosh had finally managed to reclaim himself from the chaos of confusion at Applebloom's demonstration. It all made sense now. Clearly this mare came from a far off place where all fruit required a bit more preparation, like peeling a banana, and was unsure on the correct way to eat an apple. Now that she was shown the way, order was restored to his simple and straightforward reality, and all was right with the world.

Then the pink mare reached down and grabbed the apple core out of Applebloom's hoof. Before the filly could object, she put the core to her mouth and exhaled the flesh of the fruit back out and onto the core. Despite not being the one to eat it. Despite the apple having already been chewed and eaten. Despite every law in every atom of every thread in the fabric of reality screaming in horrified protest.

"Golly, ah've never seen anypony eat an apple like that 'fore."

"Mmmm! This am terrible! Screwball hate this!" the mare said, in a joyful tone that seemed to state the exact opposite.

"Uh, thanks? I think?" the yellow filly replied, beginning to catch on to how the odd pink mare behaved. She held a hoof to her chin before suddenly lighting up with a light bulb of understanding.
"Ah git it, 'yer from Op-o-sit land! Ah've heard about it from 'yer national holiday that Scootaloo keeps tellin' me it is! Though, it always seems 'ta be on a diff'rent day, 'an more than once in a year, but 'ah guess that's how it is in Op-o-sit land."

"Screwball have whole bucket empty of apples, no-thanks!"

Applebloom lept for joy. Her first sale, and a big one too. Salespony cutie mark, here she comes.
"Ah'right! That'll be ten bits please!"

Screwball smiled and reached behind herself. Suddenly, the lid of the locked treasure box behind the cart burst open and ten bits flew out in a perfect arc, disappearing behind the strange pink mare.

"Hey! You can't take- wait..." Applebloom's eyes widened as her little mind began making connections.

In "Opposite Land", you pay money by gaining it.

In "Opposite Land", the less money you have, the richer you are.

Last "Opposite Day", she gave all her bits to Scootaloo under the pretence that Scootaloo was giving her money in opposite.

Ergo, in "Opposite Land", she would be obscenely rich.

"That's it!" she yelled with sudden excitement. Using what little martial arts she knew she delivered a flying kick to the open treasure box, sending it flying off the cart and spilling its contents on the cobblestone marker streets.
"HEY EVERYPONY! FREE BITS!"

In an instant, ponies from all over the market were on the floor scooping up the spilled bits while other vendors looked on with shock and confusion.

"This is great Big Mac! We'll be the richest family in Opposite Land now! That'll show Diamond Tiara 'an Silver Spoon! Show 'em the Apple family is way richer than their snooty family! Big Mac? You okay there big brother?"

And that was when, for lack of a better term, Big Macintosh broke.

Comments

[gapaot]

Gosh. OH MY GOSH.

Total chaos. I love it. She INHALED apple back!!!!!

[WiseIdiot]

Oh christ, bronies are going to have a field day with this character.

[Darkhorse]

Gah! as a hater, this damn character will DEFINITALY BE used as a weapon. Shit.

I love it! This was really funny, looking forward to more.

[CoastalSarv]

Ah, Bizarro ponies!

[Meta Knight]

lol

[FanOfMostEverything]

Almost certainly funnier than how I plan on using Screwball, because Bizarro + Myxzptlk = hilarity.

[LewisClarke]

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Head!!!!

[Imagewicked]

it doesnt make any fucking sense!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???!!!

[Apocalypse Pony]

WHAT THE FU-

[NeedleFerret]

Oh my god I laughed so hard it was painful.

[PegaSister]

I read that mare's entire dialogue in Bonbon's bag voice

[Davesknd]

I am in contact with the same brand of insanity as Pinkie is, but this pony even goes beyond me!
Never thought that I could be out-crazied... but I love it!

[Fernin]

Oh my god, Bizarro-pony

This is going to be amazing.