MrEnter
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is probably the best fic involving Pinkie going to the dentist. Other fics I read had the dentist frequently scare Pinkie Pie or crack a lot of tooth puns.
This one even feels like it could be an episode.
[](/bonbon) I could see this as an episode easily
They really should do an episode where Pinkie goes to the dentist. I would like to see it happen!
2676829 Thanks. That means a lot
I can relate my teeth always hurt every time I have jolly ranchers or lifesavers. I don't mind going to the dentist though. The only thing I hated was that there was this old dentist with jittery hands who raked my good teeth with the drill.
I like this but I've also seen a few things where Pinkie actually has like super teeth, and Colgate gives up dentistry. Vinyl uses wubs to clean her teeth by the way.
This is Season 4 episode material.
HASBRO PLS!
This was quite clever.
A thoroughly enjoyable read. Well done.
~Skeeter The Lurker
noting spectacular, but a decent enjoyable story none the less.
This really felt like an episode. It would actually work rather well, with several layers of morals: moderation where it comes to sweets, the importance of good dental care, trusting your friends, and facing your fears. Well done! It's even got a good episodic title!
I rather liked it. I do have one thing that came across as strange, though:
Rarity would never, under any circumstances, NOT completely freak out when Pinkie hid in her toilet. She would require Pinkie Pie to stay in the shower for a minimum of 78 minutes before she was allowed to leave.
2676015 My thoughts exactly
2676760 Yes! That would be so awesome
, and a really good moral too
This is an awesome fic, I love it. Good original flavor.
I actually really sympathize with Pinkie here because when I was a kid, I had to have surgery and it left me afraid of doctors for a long time. I know how she feels.
Great job!
Her fear of the dentist is believable, I should know.
>> SuperPinkBrony12 That's because it WILL BE AN EPISODE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! Most likely... Luv u Millicent
Nice, fun story. Glad I checked it out!
(you migh know me as igamergirl on YT)
2959260 Thanks. Let's see if I can get this project off the ground!
started a bit weird for an actual episode of mlp but it just never stopped getting better.
one piece of advice though... the clock set by Colgate. It might be better to use an hour glass instead. Its best not to push the technology envelope if you don't have to, and its Colgate's cutie mark... so that's a plus.
If she didn't want to go to the dentist, she should have went to Zecora and have the kind zebra mix up a potion, like she did for Apple Bloom's chipped tooth.
2879556 I'm with you there.
A simplistic, yet character driven story. It might have even worked as an episode!!!
Take note, Hasbro.
That's how you write an episode of Pinkie. >:D
PS: Your reviews... 1000000/10. :D
I'm surprised Pinkie Pie didn't confide her fears to her friends sooner. Otherwise, we wouldn't have gotten a hilariously worded fanfiction. But that's where I needed to stop, re-read a paragraph, and continue. I can't tell if I was reading too fast, or if the story was rushed, but I have to go with the ladder. I only wished it was expanded, having her friends offer their own perspectives and criticisms. But that's just wishful thinking.
Great fanfiction, though. I can't wait to read more if you decide to continue.
3304449 There is no evidence that Pinkie or the mane six knows Zecora can do that.
I'm a little confused why eating a hoard of candy would cause the apocalypse (in the first paragraph). Is there going to be a nation-wide candy shortage? Is she going to vomit candy all over the streets? The sentence just seems vague to me. Maybe the joke isn't supposed to make sense, but maybe I missed something.
3713530 Well, what do you think would happen if you gave Pinkie Pie, the most hyperactive pony in Equestria, that much sugar?
3742305 Alright, so it does make sense. Still, it took me days to puzzle that one out. Thanks for confirming that one for me.
This is one of my dream episodes. Has anybody notice the sweets she has eating in the show. My god by now she should of have a cavity.
Yeah I would have to agree this was a good episode..I mean fanfiction...I mean episode....I mean well this story was great. Mind if I do a little review over it to test my critic capability? I'm still a rookie at this thing as a whole.
But I do tend to get better.
3864791 Sure, go right ahead.
This fic was awesome, and I could honestly see this as an episode in a later season. 10/10.
That....... was an amazing
episodefanfic!One of the first fics i read on the site, and still one of the best.
Pretty enjoyable all the way through.
When it comes to reviewing stories, I tend to do the same thing you do and separate the writer(s) strengths and weaknesses.
Strengths:
Everyone's in-character. The way you describe Pinkie's fear is such that it instantly draws empathy from anyone with a similar experience (like me except with an orthodontist instead). The way you write Rarity in particular shows how easily she's able to figure out Pinkie's having a problem (like in Lesson Zero). You also found a way to shift back and forth between humorous and serious without being jarring (think Kung Fu Panda). The letter at the end is a nice touch. Plus, you write Applejack a lot better than I do.
Weaknesses:
Unfortunately, sometimes your story's progression is hampered by poorly constructed dialogue. For example:
"Twilight!" Pinkie yelled, banging on the door of the library. "Twilight! Open up! Help me! Help me please!"
"What's wrong, Pinkie?" Twilight asked, slamming the door open.
"M-m-my tooth!" Pinkie shouted, leaving her mouth open so Twilight could see.
"Oh dear, what did you do?" Twilight asked, putting a hoof to her mouth.
Continually inserting words like yelled, asked, shouted, or said, interrupts the flow of the story. Most of the time, you can leave the explanatory words out entirely and the meaning remains the same. For example:
"Twilight!" Pinkie pounded on the library's door. "Twilight! Open up! Help me! Help me please!"
Twilight threw the door open, "Pinkie? What's wrong?"
M-m-my tooth!" Pinkie opened her mouth wide so Twilight could see.
The sight made Twilight put a hoof to her mouth, "Oh dear, what did you do?"
It's the same words, but a little more concise.
Furthermore, whenever you make a new paragraph, it helps to indent the first line for audience benefit.
Like this.
Other than that, your works definitely show promise. Good luck, Mystery.
After watching so many of your videos, it seems kind of ironic for me to critique you, especially since I learned a fair bit about writing from you yourself XD
From what I saw, the only problem that stuck out during my read was that it felt a bit rushed, without a good flow to it. It wasn't glaring, but it certainly made it not draw me in as much as it could have, and it was shorter to boot. (Not that the length you have is a bad thing, just the way it was structured, I think it should have been a bit longer.)
But you nailed the comedy pretty well, and you wrote Pinkie Pie (and I noticed Applejack as well) to near perfection. It was a great read, awesome worne
Excellent story! Great characterization! Good development! A bit too vague description of little's Pinkie's experience...? Not enough background ponies...? And now I have a question:
How exactly works that?! Ponies can walk with three legs while holding each other hooves?
Bah! The story is good anyway! Very good job!
6377278 If a three legged dog cna do it i'm pretty a pony can to.
Y'know, while I don't quite feel this was like an episode of the show, and it didn't really make me laugh, this was still pretty good. Everypony was in character, Rarity stole the show (as usual) and Pinkie's fear of the dentist was actually pretty believable considering the dentist back then probably didn't use anesthetic, which means that much pain DID leave believable "scars", as it were. I kinda saw where it was going the whole time, but it didn't bother me. This was a fun little fic.
It's kinda funny that Pinkie was more out of character in this story than any of the times you've accused the show of it. Irony.
I know how she feels...I hate going to the dentist! Just had a wisdom tooth removed a month ago. Ugh.
Poor Pinkie!
I still remember that first dentist....
This was hilarious and cute.
The series in its purest form.
8243024
Ehhh maybe