Pinkie Pie has been having recurring nightmares ever since her visit to the mirror pool. It has been going on for three months now and the joy and happiness that was once Pinkie is gone. Her friends finally see this change, as she hid it very well. Princess Luna visits Ponyville and tells the other five elements why Pinkie is acting so strangely, although she doesn't know what it is that made this happen. They look into it a bit more and find that the mirror pool is responsible. Has Pinkie let in a dark spirit from another dimension? If she has, then it is only a matter of time before she loses her sanity and, more importantly, her soul....
(Hope you guys enjoy this!)
Also... a blog about the latest story I will be working on... Through The Eyes of Innocence
Another blog about a one shotter comedy about Derpy. Link
Contributors:
LunarGuard12 - Prologue name
Well, have to tell you guys. a bit nervous as to where this story is going to take me.
Won't go too far into the gore. And I'm against any of the ponies actually dying so no need to worry there.
Higher gore creeps all of us out.
Who's "us"?
Exactly.
woah i seem to have started something...
2680978 And what is that? My story?
no it just im in that group and i faved and then it was in the group soooo....
2681046 Yep. you did start that.
Wow... this story is doing a lot better than i thought it would.
Likes-wise
I'll be keeping an eye on this. The pose is suitably descriptive without crossing the line and becoming cumbersome, so
And I'm a sucker for eldritch abominations from beyond! My own story will involve one soon enough, in fact.
2684430 Thanks for that review! I also thank you for the favorite!
Don't know how deep into the realism/ surrealism aspect you want to go into with the dream. I noticed a lack of description of sense centric imagery. Like the smell of burning flesh. What does it smell like? Does it leave an smell like iron, Does the flesh blister and pop, with ebony billows of acrid smoke as the fire feeds upon the flesh? What about sound? Does the fire roar, in the background noise? Does it pop and crackle? What about taste? Does the mouth feel dry, does it have a taste as though someone had placed cotton in Pinkie's mouth? Touch? Does the severity of the heat cause Pinkie to recoil, though she desires to save her friend?
Also, nightmares don't necessarily have to make sense, they only need to be fuel by fear, terror and trepidation. So, instead of having Pinkie breaking the glass window, I'd have instead had the floor shatter like glass, and drop her, the shards cutting her flesh and piercing her coat in various places. Then she'd be visited by the next nightmarish scene. Or like, when Twilight's accusing her of murder, having ethereal voices of the Element Bearers and other ponies she knows spew out venomous words and lies.
Also, I'm rather surprised that Cup and Carrot Cake didn't "break" the door down to ensure that Pinkie was alright. It would seem natural, given as she is their ward and employee.
Peace,
AuthorGenesis
2684441 Cup and carrot cake: They are away on a family vacation with the twins. And the nightmare wasn't making sense, which is what I went for. And the glass did shatter all over her. But thanks for the review man! I'll be sure to add those details into the story!
Well, well, well, what a scary dream to have. Spike seriously needs to watch his back. There's only a few criticisms I have (
sorry). The first part being written entirely in italics seems redundant to me when there's a line before Pinkie waking up-- you don't want the italics giving away the fact she's dreaming-- it's best for the reader to not know for sure until she wakes up. Also it feels rather short a chapter-- is it possible to have more detail on what's going on? (This isn't important too much if it's explained in later chapters).
Erm... *thinks*... In some places it seemed like a Proper Noun festival-- you might want to put 'she' instead of 'Pinkie' sometimes. Rule of thumb is don't tell the reader something they already know, and if we already know it's Pinkie we don't need it again.
One last thing is the lines that break up the section-- for some reason when you actually write the dotted lines on the page they fit-- but when you press publish they no longer do. You somehow need to shorten them until they fit onto the page people actually read (I know it doesn't spoil the reading but it's nice to see it fitting right?).
I hope this helps since I saw you wanted some comments from other authors-- and I hope you have fun writing more of it. It has some great potential... *searches for good enough emoitcon*...
.
Your friendly neighbourhood DreamWings
2684464 I wanted the feelings to be a bit vague in this. I wanted the reader to know that this wasn't going to be mindless gore, hence the italics gave away it was a nightmare. And everything will be explained in later chapters. I will look into the dotted lines... damn, and I thought I had it right. And the noun infestation. I tried to fix that but it seemed... off when I did so. Like it made the story less of what it could be. It is quite hard to explain. Thanks for the review!
I think for being a dream sequence, you could have gone a lot further with the description. If there's something that's really horrifying Pinkie, don't be afraid to go into the tiny disgusting details. That's the fun about horrific scenes like this, it's not out of place to go into lots of description. I realize that you don't like gore, but for a scene like this it's a necessary evil. To help, you don't have to describe the imagine directly but use similes to describe what Pinkie sees. Maybe she sees Twilight's burning skin and thinks it looks like a pan of blacked sugar on the stove that still seethes and spits. For a scene that needs both visual and audio description, you can even use alliteration to create a sense of unease without directly describing it. Hard sounds and hissing sounds would probably work best, especially if you're creating a hostile situation.
As for when you break from the dream sequence, I think putting "In Pinkie's Bedroom" is a little unneeded. If she's waking up from a nightmare, we assume she's in her own bed unless you state otherwise. You even state that it's her room three sentences down, so it's safe to say there will be no confusion about the setting.
I am interested in seeing where this is going, but the dream sequence is making me think this is leaning in a more Cupcakes direction. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for or not, but that's the feel I got from the dream sequence. I wonder where Pinkie is going to go from here. I realize she's the kind of pony who would rather solve everyone else's problems than let a single pony be troubled by her problems, but with things getting this bad (and it has been going on for months) it makes me wonder if she'll go to somepony for help.
2684561 NO cupcakes scenario here. She is the actual victim here. And... I'll try with the gore.
And thanks for the favorite!
I'm going further into the mysteries of your story, but for now, I felt like pointing out that your description needed to be less localized onto the storyline and more generalized onto the ideas you were going on when you first started writing the story. You need to learn to reserve information a little more, and strive to surprise the reader whenever you can if you're going to maintain his interest.
Really loved the Poe excerpt.
" She just stood there, a couple inches away from the glass, accusing Pinkie of killing her."
...What?
Just a little sudden, is all...
-after I skimmed over the rest of it-
Yeah... this could use a little more work. Some self-critique wouldn't hurt. Put yourself in the reader's shoes. Picture his train of thought as he goes through your story. What's he going to understand...
Also, a friendly advice, spare the help from the more well-known authors until you've managed something at least somewhat impressive for the reader (the Poe excerpt was out of place)
2685177 I'll take this into account. And thanks for the constructive criticism.
2685177 I would assume the reader would understand that it is a nightmare and is a puzzle that needs to be solved. Future chapters will do this. Stay tuned, if you want, and you'll see that they will explain everything. Mostly everything. Also, I must disagree with you good sir. The Poe quote fit perfectly.
welp, im offically freaked out, and part of me does not want to read on :x... Pinkie... she's not demented... she's.... supposedto be lonely... why does every one write creepy Pinkies? :/
2686522 Don't worry, she won't become a psycopath. She is the actual victim here.
2686557 but everyone makes her insane in 'Pinkamena' mode... or scared of some unknown thing that turns out to be her own fears.
I can see where ur heading, but I wouldn't emphasise so much on the gore and freaks. Give us more internal conflicts. It's always good for these kind of stories, just like 'Too Many Pinkies'.
2686938 There is an actual villian here. Hence the dark spirit in the desc.
The few bad thoughts-I have only a few dislikes about this story. The fact you slipped the sweet Apple bloom in, it was just bucking horrifying it made me want to.
Then the totally gruesome details like Spike's mangled legs were just a little too creepy for me, but I still read the rest of it word for word. The thing I hatted the most was the Twilight bit I mean I know this was suppose to be a horror and think this is the second most horrifying story I've ever read the first being Cupcakes. But that is al I found wrong with it but none the less it was now that I think about it this was more telling you that I am a wimp.
Note-I might have wrote a gore story, but holy shit this was insane, not even I would write this. Yeah, I often dislike horror stories but it depends on my mood.
2687618 I don't like gore. It freaks me out. It was a serious trial to actually do any type of gore in here.
Starting to work on, Chapter 1: A Cause For Concern! Wish me luck!
Although, I won't start it until Monday. I am visiting relatives this weekend.
2689541
Can't wait. =D
2697040 Wait no more! It's here!
2702569
Ah, that special moment when you find a villain that bears a strong resemblance to your own.
Black, demonic sort of living shadow, and the word "whispers" featuring prominently. I don't know if you've read my story (even though its villain hasn't emerged yet), but if you ever do, you'll find the similarities eventually become apparent.
Otherwise, good chapter. Some elements of the narration felt a tad... straightforward toward the end, but take that with a grain of salt, since I tend to be Mr Purple Prose myself.
2705482 I'll be sure to check it out!
Good chapter. I didn't expect the villain to show its face so soon, but I guess you're going for a faster paced story.
I loved the build up and reveal of Pinkie's room. It's a very creepy scene, even without the shadow creature.
2707960 I'm goin' for a shit load of twist and turns in this one.
It won't end as quickly as you would expect.
The fact that Pinkie is an important character lets me know she's not dead. Thank goodness for that. But what will become of Twilight? Did the entity make it into her dreams?
Also, pardon my language, but...
This chapter creeped the fuck outta me.
Well done, sir or madam. Awaiting further releases.
Now, for whatever reason, when I think of the "bully", I can only imagine a pony slendy combined with this thing:
2729551 Haha yeah I was wondering when a slendy was gonna' be referenced here.
Working on chapter 2: Dreams Do Come True... once I get a chapter in on Some Things Never Change.
2725876 I am a sir if you must know.
2740749 I am as well.
It's done! Sorry if it's too short but writer's block. I bet a lot of you know how frustrating that can be.
Now to work on "Some Things Never Change"!
I see a few errors here and there, but other than that, this chapter was nice. Now, for whatever reason, I feel like you'll have some slight romance in the story. I also feel like Twilight's gonna end up running into a building again.
Keep up the good work, and I hope that writer's block goes away.
2784180 Thanks. I hope it goes away too.
As for the romance... possibly. I was thinking about it but... why not? Better add the tag.
Hmmm... I put this off for too long...
2885330 Says me 5 days ago... I really need to start writing on this. When I get chapters in on my other stories, I guess.
2914931 SAYS ME 3 WEEKS AGO! I swear, I'll try to find the time to update this.
Two hooves up for your story!
I will check out the other chapters too.