Training Session
We all knew Twilight Sparkle was a powerful sorceress, but none of us had ever realised just how powerful she truly was. It is no underestimation if somepony said that she’d be able to challenge an immortal to a battle and come out as the victor. The possibility was there, of that there was no doubt, the only thing that was needed for her to actually defeat an immortal, such as myself, was for her to realise her full potential, for her to realise just how much power was stored in that small body of hers
Chapters (1)
hey, this was actually really good! much much much MUCH better than alot of first timers do. the spells that were mentioned were creative. the combat wasn't severely lacking, although i personally feel that luna should have held out a bit longer than she did. and also, i love how you described twilights power surge! you made it sound like she was another person all together! all in all, i'm seriously hoping there's some sort of continuation of this. maybe an adventure! you could bring in foreign powers that hear of her abilities and kidnap her or something.
2662833
Making Twilight sound like another person entirely was very much deliberate. In fact, it was her magic talking, not her.
That is to say; Twilight was so overwhelmed by the power coursing through her that there was only one thought in her head: Make sure she would survive. Her vision on everything was pretty much screwed over, completely distorted by uncontrolled power. That is why she says and acts like she does.
As for Luna: That final attack is what drains all of Twilight's magical power, everything that she has left. I think it's fair to say that she's capable of putting Luna to sleep for a good few hours with that.
2662895
ah, now i get it. oh, and sweet cover art!
2662903
Thanks :)
But you should pay the creator of it a visit as well. He's quite good.
2662920
how do i find them? mind sending me a link or something?
Awesome
Well, for your first attempt at writing combat.
Well done, Well, well done.
I was on the edge of my seat to see just , how much might be happening and, just wow.
Not bad, not bad at all.
Not everyone can write a good combat scene good job would like to see you try something longer
Think you succeeded at writing a good combat scene
Twas very exciting and made me want more.
"Not puppets. Not ponies. Not gods."
Glorious reference! This was a great fight scene!
There were occasional typos and linguistic slip ups, but nothing drastic enough to detract from the story. Overall, I found this a thoroughly entertaining read.
If you're a fan of dark/action hybrids (such as The Immortal Game, as you so epically referenced) feel free to look at my own story, which will eventually develop into one. Not on the level of The Immortal Game, of course.
2665880
Reference? What reference? I don't know anything about any reference.
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130324025631/wordgirl/images/9/92/Liarjack.png
In all seriousness, though, I was just waiting for someone to point it out
Believe it or not, that sentence was half the reason I started writing this.
2665885
Erm, dorp, I actually edited my comment after you'd replied to it, so if you're not like me (who reads back over comments obsessively) you may have missed my follow up. xD
But yeah, I'll reiterate - this was a good fight scene. It wasn't lacking at all!
2665885
Curious question. Why did you tag it alternate universe? That's a tag I generally don't fully understand, but it's not one I'd have pinned for this story.
2665921
I used AU because I needed Luna to be a bit out of character. That's basically the gist of it.
I feel like this would have been a great scene in a long fic. I bequeath upon you a moustache!
Twilight's speech at the end seems like the kind of speech you would give to an arch-enemy right before you defeated them it was little out of place in this context.
2666339
Take a look at this 2662895 it explains why she spoke as she did.
Well, you didn't overuse barriers and teleporting, and it wasn't all "magic lasers pewpewpew". Props for gravitational magic; it's a favorite of mine. Using elemental magic and placing restrictions on it was another good move. You could have done more with Luna's puppets, but they seemed like a last resort kinda thing anyway. All in all, your combat scene was alright.
Just a shame there was no trash talk! But I guess friends don't throw curse words back and forth as they try to kill each other.
2666739
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Tast commented on my story?
Wooo!
On a more serious note, yes the puppets could probably have been used for more, but I view creating puppets out of pure shadow is a pretty high level thing, and since she didn't expect Twilight to be as powerful as she was, nor go out of control, she didn't want to go overboard.
As for the entire teleport/barrier thing, I can't help but feel that that's meat in a slightly sarcastic way.
And on a final note: Trash talking really has no place when it's on a *cough* training session
Epic fight scene! I love stories where Twilight is just super over powered.
Immediate favourite and follow, great job!
2666940
haha, thanks^^
I think you can do without the second "that is".
weren't
I think the comma after "hard" should have been a period to make it easier to read.
You forgot to capitalize that "i".
And you started with first person present tense and then shifted to fp past tense when Tabby entered.
2666991
Thanks for pointing this out ^^ It should be taken care of now
2662895 I think you need to explain who is speaking in the italics clearer
2667180
They're thought, not speech.
2667195 Yeah I know, but on each one I am not sure whether or not Luna is thinking or Twilight is speaking. It seems that you had them both thinking during it.
2667206
Could you point out where that is?
sure if you want
I guess this is the only one, oh well I could tell on most of them though. Might be a bit confusing to some people though.
2667241
Ah, that one.
Hmm... Look at the rest of the paragraph. It's an unwritten rule (well, probably written somewhere) that you make a line break every time a new character speaks, the same goes for thoughts. Earlier in that paragraph, Luna spoke, it was her that slapped Twilight with TK, hence it can only be Luna's thoughts.
Hue hue hue, featured I see?
a.imageshack.us/img814/9857/chucknorrisapproves.gif
2667256
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2009/348/f/3/Bruce_Lee___Chuck_Norris_who_by_Hafu_Inuyasha.jpg
But thank you anyways
The Not Puppets/Ponies/Gods thing was a steal from Immortal Game right?
Twilight says the exact same thing when she's fighting Esteem/Titan's Puppet in Canterlot Castle.
2667376
Not so much a steal as a reference & tip of the hat to one of the best 'Dark' fics posted on this site
Overall, an interesting read!
Redundancy might be a problem, though; take this for instance:
Perhaps cutting it into several full sentences or making it less repetitive would be a good idea.
This one I'm not sure about, since it could've been used to show Twilight losing conscious control of herself:
Again, I don't know if that was deliberate or overlooked, but cutting it apart or cutting part of it out might work better.
Definitely a very good attempt at a combat scene. Those are difficult- so many things to keep track of, not to mention finding a balance between describing the action and still making it interesting. You did well!
2667417
I'll get it fixed xD
Those were blunders on my part.
I really enjoy reading about 'badass twilight'...
Have some music to go with the fighting scene.
I also hope to see more fanfic stem from this one.
2666817
Excited about me commenting? Did I do something noteworthy while I wasn't looking? I have a bad habit of doing things behind my back... Curse me!
2667382
Then do you know that it's a recursive reference? The Immortal Game didn't even invent that line. The original is from Prototype, where Alex Mercer says "Nothing will protect you from me! Not MEN, not WEAPONS, not ARMOR!"
can someone please give me list of stories like this.. you know twilight being really badass and defeated ponies like luna or celestia (no evil twi please) this one is the best ive seen and i need MOAR
Awesome, really really awesome, faved and thumbed up.
2667254 OH didn't really know, but thanks you learn something new every day!
I think the best thing that can be said is that I'm very curious as to what happens next. I too am a fan of the concept that Twilight can, if need be, trash a god. Not that she would normally. And I don't even think Luna's too OOC here either; if nothing else, she might just be more used to combat as a way of testing a pony out. Wasn't that a thing ten centuries ago? (I think it was, but I might be wrong.) And nice touch on gravity spells, too. 9.8 m/s/s is your friend..
But yeah, the main thing is wondering just how Twilight would feel about finding out she put Luna in hospital.
DUDE!!! CONGRATZ ON THE FEATURED!!! I totally didn't even realize you were the author at first. I checked it out because you mentioned that Twilight is a sorceress in the description, and to my knowledge I am (was) the only author to label her as such. Then I caught sight of your avatar, and I'm like, NO WAY! If anyone deserves the feature, its you.
I'm afraid I have to stick this on my read later list at the moment, as it is late, I'm swamped in my own projects, and I still have issues that will need to be resolved in the morning. However, the premise sounds fantastic.
Finally got around to reading this gem of a story.
I can see why it got featured. Very well done, man, very well done.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2668186 yeah I would like some more as well. The moonstone cup is the only other thing I can think of that is even similar to this in terms of plot. This was great too though. Thumbed up and faved
Good story! Two things:
1. Twi's friends are on the sidelines, right? It would be nice to hear them gasping and such when Twilight is taking heavy hits. Kind of like how you had that one stallion grunt when the audience-shield was strained.
2. It'd be nice to have a follow-up story where Twilight wakes up after the fight, and freaks out when she remembers / is told what she did. (this would be from Twilight's perspective.)