FlightFire
Joined 11th Jan, 2013 ·
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This was nice. you played the shyness of Fluttershy and Big Mac very well and how they came (haha) to explore each other was done rather nicely. good job
Every time a different pony speaks you have to start a new paragraph.
2784917
Agreed, and punctuation, lost track of missing periods and commas in the first ten or so paragraphs. Recommend getting a proofreader or editor for such good ideas.
This is really very good handling of the shy boy - shy girl characterization.
Enjoyable.
This paring is WAY better than CherriMac OTP's.
Exquisite. That's just the right word.
This was excellent and very cute/sexy. So for the love of all things bright and beautiful, do write more! One thing though is that you might want to dumb down the language a bit. Some of the word choices seem out of place in this type of fiction. I had to pause right at the climax because I had no idea what a stentorian cry was. I had to go ask Sweetie Belle. If the cry was very loud, just say it was very loud. We'll understand.
2784917 Yeah, and you should probably get an editor. I mean, you ended up using some words wrong (aphrodisiac, for one) and also made a few typos. However, I saw some promise in your writing, especially how you make the sex scenes a little more believable (unlike other clops, in which the characters are practically having conversations). Needs polishing, but overall, ok-ish. I DO think that the plot's a little transparent and cliche, but hey, it's your first time! You'll get the hang of it!
Seriously a very good idea, though it's been used before and the 'romance' seemed a bit rushed, it was really well made, really needs an editor but you know this already. I'm a big fan of FlutterMac and this is no different, you done an amazing job, an 8/10. Can't wait for more if this shall continue.
fluttermac is adorable
way to go hun, now you got a bun in the oven. and btw, moar
dude, you done did right. this was perfect. without flaws of any sort. you the man :
I think someone needs to call the thesaurus abuse hotline.
Alright so I took your story and began marking it up with my highlighter and pen (in real life). I have a word document for you with the first few pages pointing out errors and suggesting edits. I can Email you it if you would like. But I did only do the first few pages.
"Can umm... make all the difference, dont you think?"
If you dont do this I can only say a few things....
-You have a nice piece here and I love your choice in shipping.
-You should make sure to read your own story. But not for the story, for the nitty gritty. Some reoccuring errors that I saw are listed below...
-Comma's. There your friend! you seem to enjoy ellipses (...) I also love ellipses but they are better suited in lower quantities. Momentary pauses in speach
-Capitals! They run the language and are one of the most basic rule. After a period, the next letter MUST be capitalized. You seem to miss this when there is dialog involved. Even when a sentence begins with a charicter talking, one must always use that shift key [SHIFT] and not forget it!
-Omit (deleting), There are times in your story where there are spaces. ILOVESPACES. but a couple spots have a space before an ellipse.
-Read out loud. If you find a sentance sounding wierd in your head give it a run of the mouth. There was one sentance....
Big Mac smirked at her “ well, not sure when she'll be get back here so how about I get you those apples” Fluttershy looked off to the side “well .. if you really want to” she then looked back down and pawed at the ground again “but you don't have to, I can wait”
-Grammar errors aside, It was a rough patch. I spoke it out loud and reworked it a bit. Came up with this...
"Big Mac smirked at her. "Well, not sure when she'll be gettin' back here but how about I get them apples for ya'."
"Well..." Fluttershy began to say looking off to the side and began pawing the ground again, "if you really want to, but you don't have to, I can wait."
-Just note, That dialog is structured differently than regular text.
Hope that help. again I have the first few pages with note I can send you if you'd like.
I could edit this for you if you want. Fix any grammar errors, make some parts work better. It's up to you.
I could almost see the good fic it was meant to be under all the issues when reading it. Fluttermac is a good ship, but you're formatting needs some work. You could really a editor to teach you. You not a bad writer, but you just need practice.
2784917
This this this
2813875
HAHA
i saw an grammar error.
Both of them were BUSHING as they stared at one another, Fluttershy started to feel the fluttering feeling inside her again as she stared into his big green eyes.
'BLUSHING'
2791361 I Know right?
Best pair EVER!!!
Very nice one shot
. Great job on Big Mac and Fluttershy's characterization and keeping a good steady pace too
. You did awesome
!