Diapers and How Perry Got his Groove Back
It had been a fair while since the ponies and other assorted creatures of Equestria dealt out any sort or violent justice to their human counterparts of Earth, in fact several groups had formed just so that they can discuss bad fan art and fanfiction...sorta like a book club, but with poor literacy, laughter and grain alcohol. In the heart of Ponyville one such club exist, well maybe not the heart of Ponyville but rather a little bar known as The Sauced Windigo just to the left of the bowling alley.
Inside the pub the latest meeting of such a club.
A tan earth pony sporting three horseshoes trotted through the double doors of the fine drinking establishment and as he entered the familiar faces inside greeted him. “Mel!” They all shouted in unison.
Caramel nodded and took a seat at the bar counter and gave Berry Punch a gentle smile. “Let me get uh… appletini minus the apples and the vermouth... ”
“So, just gin?”
“Yep.”
As the mulberry colored mare poured her regular his drink, the element of honesty herself AKA his boss took a seat next to him and ordered some of her namesake.
He looked over to her and noticed that she looked positively miffed and since he had a fantastic work relationship with her, bordering on close friend he did what anyone would so in the situation.
“Hey what’s wrong AJ? You seemed more annoyed than the time you discovered that some hooman had written a fic where you were tossing Cranky Doodle’s salad.
Applejack stifled a laugh as she playfully slugged Mel in shoulder. "Ah'll tell ya'll what's been grindin' mah gear lately are all the diaper stories and art."
“Oh that can’t be that many.” The stallion waved his hoof dismissively as he took a sip of his drink.
Just as Applejack was about to respond Berry piped up from behind the counter.
"Tell me about it, for some reason, there are grown ass men that think fermenting in feces is hot. I’m just lucky I only get painted as a drunkard, I mean just because I sell and make the stuff, doesn’t mean I drink a lot of it. Like they said in Scar Snout, ‘don’t get high on your own supply,’ but I digress."
“Whelp, Ah ain’t gonna have it, Ah’m gonna go down to the hooman world and make these sick bastards pay. ”
With that the orange mare finished her drink, paid her tab and trotted out the door and made her way to the Golden Oaks library.
Much to Applejack’s dismay, Twilight couldn’t help because of the whole becoming a princess thing. Yeah, when you’re a ruling party member of an entire country, you’re no longer your own boss anymore with filing all the paperwork, working late hours, attending parades, signing off on public executions, buying a fleet of jet skis and getting your own custom stationery made up. Luckily, the farm pony did have alternative aid in the form of the Whooves family who had only recently come back from their long vacations to parts unknown.
After a few knocks on the door, it opened revealing a surprised Dinky. “Can, Ah speak to yer pa?”
“Uh-huh.”
She followed the filly into the quaint suburban home, pass the kitchen and to the basement, just outside the TARDIS.
“Daddy, Miss Applejack’s here!” Dinky shouted as she left the older mare.
As soon as tiny unicorn left Applejack heard hoofsteps coming from inside the blue box.
“Hey Doct...errr… what in Equestria happened to you?!” The earth pony exclaimed as she was confronted not by the stallion she knew, but rather by a semi-younger looking one, same cutie mark, but different face, longer mane and completely different colors sporting a fez and a bow tie.
“Well hello Applejack...what this?” The orange mare slowly nodded to which the Doctor gave an amused chuckle. “Apparently, sharks on this planet do not speak like you ponies do and long story short, I’ve taken my last regeneration, funny because the last few times on this world all it did was give me wings and take them away, still not a ginger. Funny how things work out.”
‘Woah nelly, not even gonna attempt to wrap mah head around all this.’ She thought to herself before getting back to the matter at hoof.
“Ah need ya to take me to the hooman world.”
“ I really have a lot on my plate at the moment, so It’s gonna cost you.” The new doctor whooves said with an almost sinister smile.
“*gulp* W-what do ya want?”
On Earth, once again large masses of people disappeared, it would’ve been cause for alarm had it not been the more important news like the first successful human cloning procedure who just happened to be Freddie Mercury, so yeah double whammy.
Getting back on track, these people all seemed to have three things in common, one they were bronies and pegasisters, two they all had a love for a certain incontinence device and three they were all unconscious.
Slowly they began to awake from their stasis only to be greeted to the sight of pitch black nothingness. All they knew was they were all seeming tied to folding chairs, the room was cold, damn cold like the Delorean timing traveling cold. They began to assess the current situation with mixed results.
“Whaa?”
“Who’s there?”
“Help, anybody!”
“Urg, these ropes are too tight.”
“Stop whining.”
“I’m not whining, I’m complaining.”
Just as more of the group were about to voice their own concerns the lights came on with a loud clicking noise and they could see that they were in a meat locker.
Standing in 400 pounds of tassel bound, face painted glory was a sight no one on Earth had seen in twenty years.
“The Ultimate Warrior? The fuck?”
“Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel as I totally foked myself to be here from the Terrain of Testemate.”
“Huh?”
“A true warrior knows when they need to punish the weak willed, no quarter will be asked and none shall be given, HOAK HOGAN!!!”
*SHRONK*
“Can someone get us a translator? What are we even doing here? I thought he was dead.”
“That was not me who left, but rather a clever imposter as I jacked a track across parts unknown to be here.”
“Huh?”
Just as the Warrior was about to spout more pseudo-philosophical BS, another familiar face entered the room.
“Oh, thank Celestia, Applejack’s here, she’ll save us!” They all cried out in unison.
“Eenope.” She saw the look of confusion of their faces and being the honest mare she is, she began to give the quick run down of the her plans. “Now, why would Ah rescue y’all when I summoned Mista Warrior?”
The orange mare looked to her right to see the 90’s wrestler smashing his head against the wall.
“Okay, sugar cube, let me get this out of the way, Ah got places to go and hoomans ta meet.” Applejack sighed. “Long story short, you guys and gals are creepy and I need to make y’all stop.”
With those parting words she left the room as her partner took center stage once more to the disappointment to the captives.
“You like diapers, will have all the crap napkins you can handle. You shall be my sacrifice to my favorite pony: Davenport!”
“The Sofas and Quills guy?”
“Aaah Ahhhh, do not mock the the one who sells futons and stationary you bastards. Your blood will summon him from the Dagobah system with a flap jack tuning fork that will run a chainsaw of destrucity of destruction upon you!!”
He then lifted a giant cardboard box filled with torture implements so heinous, they were outlawed by the Geneva Convention. They were books, but not just any books, they were the dreaded Ultimate Warrior comics including the issue where he foked Santa Claus with his south pole.
Sometime Later, Police swarmed the meat packing plant only to find the holy terror that awaited them. Heading the investigation were the duo of Montoya and Briggs.
The elderly of the two detectives sighed. “Damn, damn, damn Briggs, I never seen anything like it ...err...” Montoya was about to finish that though when he suddenly remembered the other similar situations. "Scratch that, I meant that I haven't seen anything like this since the other times we saw shit like this."
The younger of the two cops found an apple on the floor next to the bodies and took a bite. “Yeah, this as bad as the time were saw those dead nerds in the warehouse on Godero Boulevard with the baby horse movie. Not to get off topic, but this a damn good apple.”
Somewhere in Connecticut where a large manor stood on a cliff overlooking the sea a buttler entered his master’s bed chambers. Said master was doing what anyone in their mid 30’s would be doing, watching My Little Pony.
“Sir, your daily order of diapers are here.”
Tearing his attention from his television the rich lord of the house acknowledged his servant. “M’yes, thank you Reginald.”
“Now to eat some expired chinese food and load my pants up with glee both the show and actual shit.”
Just as the disgusting man was about to open the crate that housed his adult nappies, two hooves jutted forward and nailed him square in the nads. If it were any other pony that would have been the end of it but this was Applejack and the force in which she nailed the human with sent him flying through the wall and deep into space.
[Three Trillion Light Years Away]
“What the fuck is that?!”
“A moon?”
“That’s no moon.”
The object in question got closer and closer until it smacked against the windshield of the Falcon. The smuggler and his wookiee friend were face to face with the rear end of a very large bald naked man.
“Grrrraaaaaaaa, Heeeeeeeer Rrrrgggg!!!”
“I know we just had this baby waxed. Just hit the wipers.” With those words, the odd obstruction with cleared and they continued along their current course.
Back in Equestria Applejack was regaling her interdimensional adventure to the patrons of The Sauced Windigo.
“...And it only cost me one barrel of cider.” The orange mare finished telling her story earning several hoof claps from the other bar patrons.
Sadly all their revelry was interrupted by a bust of light errupted from the center of bar.
*KA--ZOW*
From the light and smoke appeared a phone booth.The doors opened revealing a well worn older version of Snips and Snails.
“We come from the future with a dire warning.”
“Peaches, peaches everywhere.”
With that being said, the two collapsed onto the floor.
How Perry Got his Groove Back
"It had been weeks since Me am last maimed a cartoon horse even longer since any of those parties."
It started with an accusation that Perry Daniel Piekinski had been juicing up. The gentle giant...well as gentle as as five hundred pound (227 kg) wall of muscle can be, plead not guilty and for awhile everyone believed his innocence. The thing was like an avalanche the situation spiraled out of control and by the time the test results had came back clearing his, his reputation had been ruined. No one wanted to come to his parties or see him play.
He was in place so dark not even his best friends Ray-Bo Dash, Tiana Sparklestein, Fey Terrashy, Anna Jackson, Steve Drago and Rickie Belle couldn’t pull him out of his funk.
He spent weeks alone in his dorm. A long natural pink beard grew to occupy his face, his pompadour deflated and his muscles started to turn to fat.
*KNOCK, KNOCK*
Perry's time of reflection was cut off as he heard someone beating on his door, but as with all visitors as of recently he refused to answer the door.
*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK*
There's was the door once again, this time louder. It was starting to get on his nerves, and after a few more seconds the knocking stopped. Figuring that whoever it was, had gotten the message and left, he let out a sigh of relief.
*BAM*
*BAM*
The door shook like it has being beaten with something extremely heavy. An agitated Perry got up and ripped the door off its hinges.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WAN---" He couldn't believe his eyes, it was a teal unicorn with a baseball bat in her yellow magic.
"Lyra?"
"We need you to come back Perry, ever since you stopped coming to Equestria, there has been influx of new ponies... and... and... they're... and they're..." The unicorn looked worried as she stumbled over her words.
"...and they're what?" Perry asked in the most compassionate voice he could muster.
"They're terrible! They act like fucking sociopaths, have the personality of a tree stump and all of them have an emo backstory."
"Sounds like you're in a jam. Well, good luck with that." The linebacker picked up what remained of his door and began to place it back on its frame.
"You don't understand they have terrible color combinations like Pink with lime green stripes and they only want to nail the Elements of Harmony."
Perry continued to fiddle with the door.
"What's wrong? Don't you even care anymore?"
The human just stood there and shrugged his shoulders.
Lyra face contorted in an expression somewhere between extreme disappointment and anger . "You know there was a time when you wouldn't have stopped and given up because the fight was too hard!" She could feel the self doubt radiating off of him and it was at the point she only had one last card left to play, she got close to him and slapped him. "Somewhere in there is the hoo-man we need and we need Perry Piekinski!!!"
Perry looked dumbfounded. 'She slapped me, a month ago me am woulda broken that hoof and and crammed it down her throat.'
The still recovering linebacker began to reminisce about all the carnage he had caused over the last few years both on the football field and in Equestria. Memories of snapped spines, broken limbs, exploding trees, flooded his mind and by the time it was all over he let out a single manly tear and smiled.
As he was deep in thought Lyra began to notice a change starting to occur with the hoo-man across from her. His mane sprung back to life, his beard retreated and as if out of nowhere music started to filter into the room.
"Time for training and you will be the wise master."
"Huh?" The flabbergasted mare managed to squeak out before Perry grabbed her and jumped into the scene transition.
It started off slow Perry began lifting weights again, his muscles tightened as he struggled to lift a two hundred pound bench press and for some reason Lyra was there dressed in a grey sweater and orange wool cap with a whistle around her neck.
With the power of jump cuts and montage music still in effect, the scene shifted to an open area deep within the Everfree Forest. By this point in time the unicorn had somehow embraced her role and expanded upon it as she and the linebacker were now wearing matching blindfolds sitting in a bush.
"Come on, Pear, chase the cockatrice. Your gonna need greasy fast speed. Oh and remember to deep your eyes covered." With those words of encouragement, she pushed him out of the bush they were hiding in and out into the open field.
"SCREEE!!!" The snake chicken called out before it made it's attack landing its sharp talons into Perry's back cutting through his jersey and into his flesh.
"That's it, me am gonna make you into nuggets!" The linebacker yelled as he ran head first into a tree.
*CRACK*
*THUD*
Lyra peaked from under her blindfold, only to jerk it back down again and cringe.
However, from the cockatrice's perspective it was absolutely amused as the human struggled to locate it and when he finally grabbed a hold of something, it turned out to be low hanging branch.
As the monster was too busy laughing it failed to notice Perry grab its tail.
"Squawk!"
It felt so natural to be holding a living creature just before its beating. Perry smiled, it was all coming back to him and with a powerful swing he whipped his bounty against the ground like a flail as it tried to flap its wings in a futile attempt to escape his grasp.
Twenty minutes later, the pony and the pink haired man, who was now holding a bucket of extra crispy exited the forest.
It was over and Perry got his groove back.
In the coming days, the human linebacker made his way across Equestria playing janitor to a bunch of new arrivals, whose sad and bleak lives were about to get a whole lot worse as they made a new friend in the form of a cinder block and a staple gun. Perry wasn’t all about violence and destruction, he was also about freedom and by that I mean he was freeing them from their miserable lives.
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How did you fit all those characters in the abstract?
4053817
That's a very easy question to answer, you see a long time ago on this site, you could put as many characters as you wanted inot the abstract, there were no limits. This fic was started before the limitations went into place. There was also a brown box at the top of the page that let you know the about the latest fics as well as a giant green box that displayed the 6 most popular stories currently being read.
120 days of asskicking
4053997
i guess i know what i have to read and based on the amount of dislikes and long chapters it has, I'm scared.
if you are scared read the riff on it by twow on pony riffs. That softens the blow
And I just watched the Linkara/Spoony review of warrior comics 2 days ago.
How did you get so many character tags?!
4146635
That is a question I get a lot. XP This site used to allow unlimited character tags and this fic was published during that time.