Crevan, a young boy of about fifteen, finds his life taking several rather jarring turns after a savage beating from his school's most sadistic bully and his cronies.
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DarkParable
Joined 26th May, 2013 ·
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I wasn't expecting great things of this, but this is actually rather sweet (this chapter I mean, not the savage beating in chapter 1) and I'd kinda like to see more of this. Nicely done.
Considering how good your grammar is in the fic itself it is a tad unfortunate that there's such a howler in the title of chapter 1: I suspect you meant human cruelty, but as you've spelt it currently it looks a lot closer to credulity, which doesn't make so much sense. I recommend you change it before more people notice.
2636821 Thanks, I mostly work on this early in the morning due to insomnia keeping me awake. Seems that I don't catch all my errors, so thanks for catching that one for me. :3
Seems ok, other than some of the glaring spelling errors that can be seen from Keplar 22-B
The only excuse I can really come up with is if you're from another language, or you're really young, either way, this needs a pre-reader.
2636991 I never got hooked on phonics
2637006
So... you're from a non-English speaking background?
2637025 Not at all, I'm as American as you can get, but my spelling has never been all that great. To be honest this is the first thing I've written and shared with the masses. Art is my forte, not writing... Still, a bit of prodding from my friends and this happened. Thanks for the feed back, I'll be sure to proof-read a bit more closely.
2637042
Get. A. Pre-reader.
Focus on getting a Pre-reader.
2637054 Look, I appreciate the advice and I'll look into it, but I'm not the sort to go looking for help in something like this. If you want to volunteer I'll happily accept, but kindly stop reiterating yourself. If nothing else I'll run everything through spell check and cut out the middle pony.
DAMMIT SPOCK! How can you be so, so inhuman?
Ahem.
Another nice chapter. On one hand I sort of wish that we'd actually seen more of Crevan's virtues in the human world rather than being told he was very kind to everyone, but on other hand I can see that too much immersion might have made his utter lack of regret at being transformed into a pony and taken to Equestria seem off, so on the whole I think you got the balance more or less ok.
I wish you'd actually shown more of his interaction with Celestia, because I prefer her to Luna, but that's a personal thing.
Keep up the good work.
2642797 I want to thank you most kindly for being the soul voice of encouragement and reasonable advice I've gotten on this site. Glad you're enjoying the story and I do intend to include Celestia more at a later date, I just felt a bit of comic relief was in order after the first chapter, no?
Also, as a side note Luna was actually the one who pressured her sister into bringing Crevan, or Red if you prefer now, into Equestria. Wasn't sure how clear I was when I wrote that in ch2... Writing this late at night while running on caffeine and my normal insomnia probably makes for some interesting logical leaps... Like if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then peanut butter.
Taking a break from this for a bit.... Sort of lost all desire to work on it.
2653063
That's a pity. But I can understand why you might get a bit down. Another nice chapter, but it could have done with being expanded a little more; unless you didn't want to showcase your friend's OC too much (did you have his permission?)
I was a bit worried in this chapter that you would rush into Ponyville and introducing the mane six, but you took a more original route instead.
I think this is a much better Brony in Equestria fic than most of that genre, and it's a shame it doesn't have more views. Have you submitted it to any groups?
Or you could always write something else, build up a following, then come back to the idea when your skills have improved.
2653126 Yes I did have his permission, in fact he even asked me if I would include him in this. I was considering writing something a whole lot darker, as that seems to be what I'm better at, while I'm taking a break from Red Wyne and his life. Thanks again for the compliments and advice, you make a unicorn blush XD
Hey all, just figured I'd ask this. Everypony's entitled to their own opinion and you can like my work or dislike it, but if you do give me a dislike can you please leave a comment telling me why? I can't improve on what I don't know needs it. Thanks in advance for any who take the time to do so.
Dandysprat. Heh.
I'm glad to see you decided to keep this up, and that you're now in the green congrats. Look forward to seeing what happens in Ponvyille.
And thanks very much for the watch!
2676134 No problem and thanks a bunch your your continued support :3 ...And honestly I couldn't think of anything more fitting for Blueblood that wasn't a long string of foul language lol.
I was a bit jarred by Rainbow Dash last chapter. I'm not a huge fan of jerk!dash, and so I was glad when you toned it back a little for this chapter and showed her more affable qualities.
Pinkie, on the other hand, was hilarious, enough fourth wall breaking without too much.
The one criticism I have is that you glossed over the party too quickly at the end, For someone who has had it as hard as Crevan, been as isolated as he has, I think you could have milked his feelings at being accepted, wanted even, by a community for heartwarming feelings a lot more than you did.
2685392 In the last chapter I wrote Dash that way because of the way she behaved towards Pinkie in the episode Griffon the Brush-Off. It kind of stuck with me and I can't help but see her as somepony slow to embrace new people, especially those who she has some problem with. However, once she warms up I can see exactly why loyalty is her element and how friendly she can actually be.
As for me skipping over the party... I know its not really good to go making excuses, but I was both very tired and pressed for time when I was writing this. I suppose I could have simply delayed making the chapter public, but I was loathe to make anyone wait longer too long for an update when I'd just completed one. I do plan on covering the party with the next chapter, though not in too great detail.
Sorry all, no update tonight, expect two new chapters tomorrow. Thanks for your patience with me.
Okay, I'm beginning to understand why you write Pinkie Pie so well; you seem to have a slightly offbeat sense of humour yourself.
You might want to edit the last paragraph: specifically Applejack's dialogue should be the start of a new one.
2692470 Thanks, and yeah... I get more than a bit odd at times. Sorry if that was kinda disturbing to think about
In any case, thanks for letting me know about the edit. Also caught a bit of a mistake on my part.
2692644
When I was reading I just assumed he'd done the rounds at the party and met everypony, but I think it works better with the edit. With the best will in the world it makes sense that he would slip up sometimes.
2692693 Let me know if you spot anything else that seems off please, I don't always catch things myself.
Turns out writing for Pinkie is harder than I thought it would be. As much as I don't want to I know I need to reign her in a bit (bah dum tish) and therein lies the difficulty. I'll try and have chapter ten done by tonight, but it may take longer. Trying to write Pinkie without going overboard and still keeping her level of zaniness is going to take me awhile. Thank you for being patient and I hope everypony liked the little fourth wall shattering at the end of chapter nine.
2693819
I liked Pinkie's side of it, it was as hilarious as her first appearance. I thought it went a bit far when you talked back, but it did evoke a kind of Animaniacs/80s cartoon feel where the narrator would just talk to the characters to keep the plot moving. The problem is there is only so aware of the fourth wall a character can become before they stop being a character and become a metatextual agent (if I'm using that right).
Other than that another nice chapter, with some nice interaction. Red's story was close enough to the truth without actually being in any way true as the Apples imagined it.
Also: new paragraph everytime someone new speaks.
"We're the Animaniacs! We're zany to the max..." I loved that show when I was little. Honestly wasn't thinking of it when I wrote that though. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm probably not the most mentally stable, so I was kind of projecting with Pinkie there a bit. Voices only she can hear and the like.
...Not saying I hear voices mind you, but random thoughts and weirdness are a common occurrence in my head.
Due to this being finals week for me I'm going to have to put this mostly on hold. I'll work on chapter ten when I'm able to, but between some last minute cramming and sleeping when I'm able to my free time may be sparse. If I can get enough time I expect to have it done by Friday at the latest. If its not up by then you can all drag me behind the nearest shed and kneecap me with some blunt object or another... But please don' break mah arm
Oh, Twilight, your first kiss was with your special somepony. So say the rules of Romantic Comedy, especially in animation.
Seriously, if this isn't TwilightxRed I will be very surprised after that.
2725855 Well... What can I say. Gotta love the smart ones with the ability to turn small critters into strange living oranges... That poor frog.
Going to devote a good chunk of my evening to writing the next chapter of this tonight. Expect to see a poor pegasi subjected to all manner of clothing based torture at the hooves of a certain fashionista.
Oh snap...
2734903 You forgot the Crackle and Pop parts.... Also the melted marshmallows to bind the lot together in warm gooey goodness.
And Yes, Red has some personal demons in a literal sense. Hence the one red eye (Two when extremely angry)
Wham chapter!
I'd honestly forgotten there was a dark tag on this fic, or if I remembered I thought it was cause of the stuff in the human. But there we are, this nice, meandering slice of life has suddenly become something else. At least in part.
You certainly delivered the shock, so well one almost forgets what came before it. That said, I found Red's outbreak of chivalry a little out of the blue. While it provides another reason why he fits in better in Equestria, it wasn't something I'd ever gotten a sense of before. But on the other you take a massive stride in developing Red's character, so you get a pass on that.
This, I think, was the chapter you PM'd for feedback on, and I think you've done very well. You conveyed the scenes perfectly, Rarity and Celestia both felt in character despite the dark circumstances, and the moral that Red fearing himself a monster was what proved he was not one was nicely done. And of course the continuing hints about some darkness in his soul. I am a bit on the fence about this until you actually explain whats going on, because for me the explanation of what it is and how it got there will elevate or kill this, but until then I'm curious to see where you take the story now.
What I really liked was that you didn't go down the 'OH NO YOU KILLED YOU ARE TEH EVILZ' that some fics go down, without celebrating Red's badassery either. Not there's anything wrong with that but, after the way the fic began, it would have been out of place to have suddenly started celebrating the unbridled application of physical strength.
And of course, a heartwarming conclusion.
I have to admit, I took my time getting around to reading the last chapter because, although I enjoyed it, the somewhat languid pace meant I didn't feel any urgency to read a chapter as soon as it came out. That has changed a bit now.
2741133 Thanks for making me think of that Emeral fellow what yells "BAM!" all the time. Glad you enjoyed this and there is quite a bit more to come. For the time being I'll likely be calming things down a bit. Poor fella deserves a break after all that I'd say, no?
I would use my broken jagged sharp pointy teeth to bite.a big chunk of the guys neck!
2763699 Oh my... Not Red I hope, he's a decent sort... And not me I hope... I don't feel like being a snack today.
A bit more of a wind down after the hectic last couple of chapters I see. You really have a gift for writing Pinkie Pie. That bit with the shower curtain was hilarious and absolutely believable for me as something Pinkie would do. Luna a bit less so, but that bit was sweet and funny and that's what counts in the end I guess. I haven't checked out your horror story but from where I'm standing your gift is for comedy.
2766347 Being a bit off in the head helps a bit I'd think when writing for Pinkie. As for the horror one, I'd give it a miss for now until I get more time to work on it. You can expect some minor shipping with Twi in the next chapter everypony. Too cute of a couple to pass up in my opinion.
Is that a real song? It sounds like a vaudeville number from the thirties or something.
The kitsune was very well played: you hit the balance between funny and annoying without straying into obnoxious jerk territory. I liked...it even as it was getting on Twilight's last nerve.
2771006 Looney Toons, Michigan J Frog. Top hat, cane... One of my favorite cartoons.
Glad you enjoyed the kitsune, expect bigger and better things from the little fella, not big mac big, but big none the less.
2771024
*searches Youtube*
Oh my god that is fucking hilarious!
2771628 And wonderfully fitting, no? I've got something in store that'll top that though.
I just wanted to take the time to say thanks to everypony who's read and enjoyed this story so far. It really means a lot to me that you've all found something I, in all my derp, wrote on a wing and a prayer (and some encouragement from a friend) to your liking and I hope I can continue to provide you with a decently written story that keeps you entertained.
Long story short, I am oh so very grateful that at least a few people like this.
All of you keep rocking on, and I'll do the same.
's for everypony!
You were kind of harsh on Rainbow Dash here, don't you think? The palpable narrative scorn for her felt a little jarring considering how unintrusive the narrative voice has been generally, coupled with the fact that the opinions expressed were strident and divisive.
Still, the rest of the chapter was fun, and the kitsune's antics continued to be enjoyable to read about. Pinkie's reaction in particular was absolutely in character.
I'm afraid I can't guess the video game references: I caught Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at the beginning obviously, but I'm afraid nothing reminds me of a game I've played.
2786961 Pop culture references in order (at least my intentional ones)
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Puffs of (ill)logic
Star Trek -Vague refrence to Spock
Silent Hill - Visions of the Otherworld (rusty metal and chainlink)
The Matrix - Thats kinda obvious there
And Silent Hill once again -Lying Figures and Fog world.
As for me being Harsh on Dash, it wasn't really all that intentional. I like her well enough later in the series, don't get me wrong, but I have a hard time getting past her showboating. Had a rather bad run in with someone similar recently and that was on my mind when I was writing. My apologies for letting it color the story.
Oh dear gods... I just went back to fix a few typos in my latest chapter (Something I try and make sure to do when I have time) and noticed one that made me face desk hard enough to leave a dent.
Organ filly... That image just makes me shudder. Though that may be because I was just reading a crime novel and wasn't quite thinking about hurdy-girdies and organ grinders. I now feel rather low on the bell curve for IQ and gutter brained... Imma slink off to a hole and hide from the rest of the intelligent people for awhile
Hey all, just a friendly reminder from a needy pony here... PLEASE COMMENT YOUR OPINIONS, SUGGESTIONS, AND ANYTHING ELSE ON THIS STORY... I kinda need some feedback from more than one source... you know, if that's ok
First off: grammar nitpicks
It's minstrels not menstruals. Although the idea of Eric Idle having a period is rather funny in of itself.
Peace, not pace.
should have an m before y.
Otherwise, another charmingly amusing chapter that continues to set up the couple in a way that doesn't feel rushed. I'm impressed at the way you handle Red's angst, it never feels like wangsting off or a ploy for cheap sympathy from the characters or the audience.
I would not have bothered with colouring in the dialogue. It isn't done consistently (two whole paragraphs of Red are black) and it really isn't necessary IMHO.
Lastly, the message. Now you're not the first druid I've met (not even the first one whose writing I've looked at funnily enough
) so I should have expected something like this. I think it's something you either agree with or you don't. And that's all I have to say about that, except to ask that you not turn this fic into a sermon. You haven't yet, but I'd rather that you didn't.
2818128 Not trying to get preachy with it, and if I do feel free to smack the back of my head and yell "NO!" As for the typos, I blame my keyboard XD I'll go back and fix them eventually, hopefully my keys'll behave for once. Probably need to clean out the keyboard itself and quit eating toast when I make use of it...