The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony encounter the members of a mysterious organization that has been protecting Equestria from the shadows for thousands of years. In their quest to learn more, the Bearers learn hidden truths about Equestria's creation and come into conflict with an ancient conspiracy that threatens to unleash an enemy of unimaginable power.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like the tone of the narrative. It has a natural speaking flow which helps make the narrator down to earth like the characters. One thing to note: "Y'all" refers to multiple people; "yur" or "ya" would be more appropriate when speaking to a single person.
Also, you missed some prime writing opportunities. Instead of saying something like, "Fluttershy gathered her courage," you could explain how through her actions, thoughts, and speech. Like this: "Fluttershy shuddered. What if there were horrible monsters that wanted to eat her? Or worse, what if there are horrible monsters that wanted to eat her so they could eat her animal friends? Somepony has to think of the squirts. But how could she let Big Mac risk his life on his own? Big Macintosh always accompanied Fluttershy when she asked for somepony to keep her company during a scary thunderstorm.
Fluttershy turned her head away from Big Macintosh. 'I'll go,' whispered the bashful pegasus.
Big Macintosh approached his quivering friend. 'What did ya say?'
'Eep!'"
Well, that's an interesting beginning. I am curious to see what will come next.
it finally updated!
Re-favourited
peep
Hey i'm not one to normally leave comment but I think you need to hear this.
Your story is excellent and i personally think it seem to have a lot more potential depth compared to some of your other work, however, it just doesn't have that drawing in factor (can't think of another way of describing it). I do not know how to fix such a problem I believe it just one of those thing that occurs for all people of the creative arts were some of their works are praised loudly while other are such admired quietly even though both piece or just as good.
So although it might not be as loudly praised as some of your other work and might not be commented as much do not lose heart and know that their are many of us who are just quietly watching and enjoying your work
your sincerely POTDL
A.K.A Prophet Of The Dark Lord/Lady
Thought for the day
Kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates
I have never commented before. I enjoy all your stories. Please keep them coming. Is this story finished?
Part of me wants to read this but the long hiatus is offsetting...what are the chances - realistically - of this story being finished?
I love this story