Overthrown. Celestia has been sentenced to a life's imprisonment in the Everfree Prison with only Twilight to keep her company but for how long? Celesia will truly discover the curse of immortality
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Deathpony45
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Ok seriously. Spacing of paragraphs would be nice along with the indentation.
But as for the story itself. I feel so bad that Twilight was executed for standing up for Celestia, but it was a touching story. I liked the interaction between Luna and Celestia, and Celestia and Twilight. I like how you ended the story with Celestia getting a memory of Celestia's sunset giving Tia a memory of Hope and Purpose.
A critique...
Your story does not really flow well, and leaves far too many plot holes in its wake.
What "madness" did Celestia suffer that required a revolution?
Why would the Element Bearers turn on Celestia to the side that had captured, tortured, and mutilated their friend?
And if Celestia is "merely" locked away in a dungeon, does she not still control the sun? Unlike when Nightmare Moon was magically sealed inside Equestria's moon?
If cutting off an alicorn's wings &/or horn renders then mortal, why did they not do so with Celestia?
If you can execute Twilight, then why not Celestia?
And these are just off-handed thoughts from a cursory read
.
Finally, your story does not really convey a theme of "curse of immortality" well. It only shows that extended periods of solitary confinement kills the mind & soul, if not the body; and that does not have to happen across hundreds of years (usually just after a few years, by studies).
A better premise might have been for Luna to have banished both Celestia & Twilight to the moon or inside the sun. Then, as the centuries pass, Twilight's alicorn essence fades as Magic fades from Equestria due to technological "progress" in The Lunar Republic.
I would rate this 3.5 out of 10 points. No glaring technical-writing mistakes, which is always good, but not a particularly engaging story either.
2615576 thanks for the review. As for her madness that's really left up for the reader to decide on what they think happened to her. The other elements turned against her because of severe atrocities committed by Celestia (probably should've conveyed that a bit better XD) as for Twiights execution, since she was born a regular unicorn and her Alicorn status was granted to her later in her life by removing what made her from her old self an Alicorn it made her mortal again Celestia and Luna are truly immortal because they were born as Alicorns. As for why I didn't lock them away in the sun Twilight would've burnt up immediately because she has no connection to the sun as Celestia does. Thanks for your read and I am sorry you didn't like it very much :(
You suck
I'm kidding, I like it
Ouch, right in the feels.
Kinda sadistic of Luna though. At least when Celestia banished her to the moon, there was hope for redemption. Celestia was instead made to watch as her one source of sanity was executed, and she was left to exist forever, alone.
2616206 I used that last scene about the sunset to try and give a possibility for redemption for Celesia. I glad you lied it though :)
2615618...
That is the difficult "trick" with trying to do quality writing: you want to leave the reader/audience with interpretative ambiguity (one of the major strengths of MLP:FiM), versus leaving the reader with a sense of "huh?".
Not trying to put you down, just saying your work needs better coverage &/or refinement.
2616346 I understand your complaints with my story and Ill try to work them in on my next one thanks again for your help
2616280
How will she be redeemed if she's still stuck in a prison for all eternity, left to rot in her insanity? You basically said she's emotionally dead, right?
2617680 I did by she lives on through the sunset she created Luna's hope is that one day Celestia will somehow see how what she created is still a loved part of society and return. It's a bi confusing even to me on how I intended it to happen. But the best I can explain it is after the revolution and Twilights death since nopony alive still cared for her she lost the will to live an doesn't haw the ability to die which is why she degenerates into what she became by the end. Luna hopes that Celestia will one day see how ponies still love and care for what she made giving her a reason to live and come back from the abyss. Sorry if this further confused you it's just how I imagined it working out whilst writing
2617875
No, actually that made perfect sense. Thanks for explaining.
2619671 oh thank Celestia I'm glad that worked out and no problem
I loved this! It was really descriptive and deep. The flashbacks were awesome and those dreams were very interesting. The ending was just perfect.
2620344
Hello friend, I must say that I read this and while this wasn't the greatest story that I read, it certainly inspired me. Would you mind if I used this same core premise to write a different fic? I'll credit this one in my story's description, but I really like this idea, and would love to be able to expand upon it.
3250553 Yeah man sure go ahead I'm glad you enjoyed it enough to want to imitate I realize it's not the best but I'm getting better :)
Epic!
i may have read this one at least 11 times, but for each i have gosebumps at the end.
I personally don't think that Luna really killed Twilight. Or gave into the darkness again. I think that some tragedy befell Twilight and the others and Celestia's mind snapped with grief. So much so that Luna had to lock her away for her own safety. The ending hints to that.