Chapter 10: Down and Out
The doors of the throne room burst open, revealing two alicorn princesses wearing looks of grim determination on their faces. However, despite the suddenness of their entrance, the object of their ire hadn’t even batted an eye. “Took you long enough,” commented Discord, the chimeric King of Equestria. “Busy powdering your noses, were you?”
“Nay,” Princess Celestia said coldly, “we have merely stopped to add ornamentation to our barding.”
It was then that the draconequus actually bothered to look at his opponents, and when he did, his jaw dropped to the floor. The alicorns were in full battle regalia; Celestia’s armor was made of polished brass, while Luna’s was formed from chromed steel, but neither of these facts was all that surprising. No, the shock came from the modified peytrals around their necks, into which six familiar-looking gemstones had been mounted. After several flustered seconds, Discord decided to feign nonchalance. “Oh, I, uh, see you’ve retrieved the Elements of Harmony from my defenses,” he said as his slouch in Celestia’s throne became more exaggerated. “I, um, congratulate you on your ingenuity! So, uh, would you mind explaining how exactly you got them back?”
Princess Luna couldn’t resist a smirk as she stared down the usurper who sat on her sister’s throne while using her own as a makeshift footstool. “Oh, we did not regain the Elements, Discord. ’Twas they that returned to us, for upon our return to our palace, they did activate of their own accord and overpower the magic thou hadst set against them.”
This was surprising enough to get the draconequus to drop any pretense of disinterest. He sprang to his feet and shouted, “But it was chaos magic! It should be anathema to Harmony!”
“All the chaos in the world can not separate the Elements from their chosen Bearers,” Celestia replied firmly as she and her sister began to walk towards the despotic creature. “And now thou shalt pay for the disorder and confusion thou hast needlessly inflicted upon our little ponies.”
Growling, Discord began to hurl spell after spell at the alicorns, though not with any particular care; corrosive spurts of aqua regia burst forth from the draconequus’ claws, only to be followed by harmless streams of ordinary water. What appeared to be bolts of lightning ended up being bits of honey, while the pillows he conjured up turned out to be denser than lead, with one of them slamming into Celestia’s head with enough force to dent her brazen helm.
It was as though Discord was just throwing out any idea he could think of in the hopes that one of them would stop his opponents’ advance. Indeed, the only tactic that he used with any consistency was to send torrents of sour eggnog through the chamber, pushing the alicorns backwards and obscuring their vision—but even this success was short-lived, as the Princesses began to take cover behind the debris that had been accumulating from Discord’s frantic attempts to slow down their progress.
For their part, Celestia and Luna occasionally shot back with spells of their own, but their main tactical goal was to ensure that Discord couldn’t get out of the way when they used the Elements of Harmony, and physically closing the distance seemed a more sensible plan than trying to incapacitate him from afar.
Discord was just about to hurl a ball of what appeared to be either marmalade or napalm when the sisters made their move. Luna galloped forward, conjuring a magical shield for protection while she charged at the draconequus as if she intended to smash him with her earth pony strength. Gleefully, Discord whipped out a large red cape, waving it in front of himself like a target, only to deftly sidestep away moments before the impact.
“Ha! You disappoint me, Luna. You’re supposed to be the smart one, yet you actually thought brute force would be enough to stop me?”
The blue alicorn smirked once again at her foe’s naïveté. “Nay, yet I did think ’twould be enough to distract thee.”
It was then that Discord realized that he didn’t see Celestia in front of him, which in turn implied that he had his back turned to her. He turned around and saw a huge, dark grey storm cloud floating mere trots away from him, with the white alicorn hovering directly behind it. The draconequus let out a resigned sigh. “Hoo, boy.”
Princess Celestia grit her teeth and bucked the cloud as hard as she could, sending out a half dozen bolts that struck Discord’s body, lighting him up like an oversized firefly and briefly revealing his rather bizarre skeletal structure. When it was over, the badly singed draconequus slumped onto the stairs of the royal dais.
Luna cantered over to her sister’s side and spoke to the usurper. “Thy reign is over, Discord.”
Even as he lay on the ground, with his defeat imminent, the draconequus’ voice still exuded defiance: “Oh, come on! This is totally unfair. All I wanted to do was to have a little fun, that’s all.”
“I know, my friend,” Princess Celestia replied, her voice cracking as the jewels in her brazen armor began to glow as brightly as her sun, “and I am sorry.”
——————————
To the average pony, Penumbra Noctis appeared to be a regular pegasus, notable mostly for the unusually dark hue of her blue coat, her somewhat aloof personality, and her decidedly unique career as an artisan cloudsmith in an age of mass-produced weather. Of course, appearances can be deceiving, but in this case, the average pony knew that as well. The wake of Twilight Sparkle’s recent defeat of Trixie Lulamoon had made public the fact that Penumbra had trace amounts of unicorn and earth pony magic mixed in with her pegasus magic, meaning that she was, in fact, an alicorn like Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
Indeed, only a few months ago, she had been a little too much like them for her own good, as she had begun her existence not as a foal, but as Princess Luna’s paranoid vision of a power-mad Celestia who had manifested into the real world by some still-unknown means. In this new form, she’d corrupted Luna into becoming Nightmare Moon, and a little over a thousand years later, she nearly repeated the feat with Twilight Sparkle. Fortunately for all involved, Pinkie Pie (who was a being of similar nature to Penumbra, having once been Twilight’s imaginary friend) had not only put an end to this insanity; she had found a means to rehabilitate the Nightmare by taking on most of her earth pony magic and giving Twilight most of her unicorn magic.
The whole situation was a bit complicated, which was probably why most ponies seemed to prefer Pinkie’s explanation: “Twilight tried out a new magic spell, and now we’re alicorns, but most of the time we look like normal ponies.”
However, once the secret was out, changes began to occur quite swiftly indeed. Rumors that the three alicorns would be crowned Princesses of Equestria broke out within hours, but to the surprise of many a celebrity tabloid reporter, only two-thirds of those rumors ended up being true. For although Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie had both agreed to their coronations, Penumbra had declined, choosing instead to be invested with the newly created title “the Duchess of Everfree.” The investiture ceremony had been a relatively low-key affair, with few ponies present besides friends, dignitaries, and would-be sycophants who wanted to ingratiate themselves with the newest member of the nobility. In contrast, the coronations of Twilight and Pinkie (to be held simultaneously to economize their budget) were in their second month of planning, with the actual ceremony still weeks away.
At the moment, however, Penumbra and her friends were taking a break from the hustling and bustling to wait in the middle of the grassy meadow just outside of town. Naturally, there was a very sensible reason for the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, the Duchess of Everfree, and the Most Adorable Dragon Twin Brother Ever be waiting in the middle of a field, and this time it wasn’t because Rainbow Dash had heard a rumor about new strain of super-delicious wild bluegrass in the area. No, they had been asked to gather here by Princess Celestia herself, who was due to arrive in minutes, along with somepony who’d only been described as a “very important guest” in the Princess’ initial letter to Twilight Sparkle.
“I’m sure it’s just some dignitary who wants to meet the princesses-to-be before signing whatever agreement Celestia’s trying to work out,” Rainbow Dash said, the tone of her voice unmistakably bored as she idly nibbled on a dandelion.
“If that were the case, though, would she not have invited us to Canterlot?” Rarity asked. “After all, we’ve all been commuting there on a fairly regular basis recently.”
“Perhaps Princess Celestia wants us to help her with some sort of pressing crisis,” Twilight Sparkle said absently as she ran through the assorted contingency plans that she had filed away in her head. “It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.”
Even as the conversation continued on, Penumbra opted to steer clear of this sort of speculation, partly because she found it entertaining to listen to her friends’ theories, but mostly because she already knew who Celestia’s guest was. The Princess had told her about this plan soon after Twilight’s duel with Trixie, as she was to play one of the central roles. Thus, she sat on a cloud-cushion she’d recently designed, allowing herself to be amused with their theorizing.
“Ooh! I know!” Pinkie Pie chirped. “I bet her guest is one of those really, really sick foals from one of those wishing charities, and he or she wants to hang out with us because we’re all totally cool and awesome and they’ll be so happy that they’ll just get up and get better without even trying. Wow, that’s great! This calls for a party! Say, Applejack, is one of your barns available?”
“I’m sure I can get some space for ya, even on short notice, but don’t ya think that somepony from that sorta charity would be the one bringin’ the foal here? Why would Celestia tag along?”
“Didn’t you hear the part where I mentioned how we’re all totally cool and awesome?”
“Hmm... I like that idea, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said, her mood brightening. She quickly finished eating the remainder of the dandelion hanging out of her mouth before continuing, “After all, my pure, unadulterated awesomeness has definitely rubbed off on all of you, so who wouldn’t want to spend time with us?”
“Um, well, it could be Discord,” Fluttershy abruptly proposed as she stared into the blue sky.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Twilight said dismissively. “Why would Celestia want us to have anything to do with that nutcase?”
Spike, who had joined Fluttershy in staring at the sky, had an answer: “Uh, because she doesn’t normally take his statue for rides in her chariot?”
“What are you talking about, Spike?” asked a rather confused librarian. “That doesn’t make... any... sense....” Twilight trailed off as she joined her friends in their skywatching and saw a rapidly descending pegasus-drawn chariot coming towards them. Sure enough, there was Celestia, and on her left side was Discord, his petrified form looking just as shocked as it did the last time he’d been in Ponyville.
Penumbra dismounted from her cloud and joined her friends in bowing to their ruler as the chariot’s wheels settled onto the grass. “Greetings, my little ponies,” Celestia said as she stepped out of her chariot. “I trust that you are all having a pleasant day?”
None of those present gave an immediate answer, as they were too entranced by the sight of the Royal Guards hauling Discord’s petrified body onto the ground. It wasn’t until the statue had hit the grass with a dull thud that anypony ventured to speak. “Princess Celestia,” Rarity began, “is that... Discord?” She eyed the stone draconequus, desperately hoping that this was some sort of royal prank.
“Naturally,” the Princess replied. “I hope you will treat him with respect during his stay in Ponyville.”
Twilight Sparkle stepped forward and haltingly addressed her mentor. “Um, Princess Celestia?”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“You, um, you said that me becoming a princess... it makes me your equal, right?”
If Celestia noticed the awkwardly stilted phrasing of Twilight’s question, she gave no indication. “It does indeed,” she replied, still smiling as warmly as ever.
“So, um, well, that means that I’m allowed to give you my opinion, right?”
The Princess covered her mouth with one of her forehooves as she chuckled softly. “Twilight, you’ve always been allowed to do that. You just have a habit of avoiding it until you have no other options.”
The purple unicorn blushed slightly, but continued, “Oh, well, um, in that case, don’t take this the wrong way, but...”
“Yes?”
“Have you lost your mind?!” Twilight abruptly shouted. “Why did you bring Discord out here? He’s too dangerous to be anywhere but the Royal Sculpture Garden, preferably under a twenty-four hour guard!”
For a moment, a vague wisp of disappointment flashed across Celestia’s eyes, but otherwise she took this comment in stride. “You are quite correct; Discord does indeed pose a risk to the ponies of Equestria. That is a major reason why he is here.”
“Oh?” Rainbow Dash said, flying over to the white alicorn. “You want us to use the Elements to finish the job, then?”
Celestia slowly shook her head, causing wide ripples to appear in her ethereal mane. “I am not certain that such a drastic course of action would even be effective. After all, Discord has never needed to obey the same rules that everything else in the universe does, much like Pinkie Pie’s first iteration as Surprise.”
Taking the unintelligible mumbles and awkward fidgets that followed as a grudging acceptance of her point, Celestia continued: “In the long run, I believe that Equestria’s interests will be best served if we can reform Discord. No spell can hold back a being as chaotic as him indefinitely; even if I regularly reinforce the seal, eventually, there will come a time when this land has a ruler who knows nothing of Discord. To put it simply, eventually, the magic keeping Discord in his stone prison must deteriorate, and when it does, he will doubtless take the opportunity to wreak fresh havoc on those Equestrians unfortunate enough to be alive at the time.
“I am not merely concerned with the welfare of ponies alive today, but of those yet to come, and it is for their sakes that I ask you to help me avoid the situation I have just described. In much the same way that Pinkie Pie was able to convince the Nightmare to change her ways and become a productive member of Equestrian society, I believe that the magic of friendship will be able to show Discord the error of his ways.”
“Um, Princess Celestia?” Pinkie Pie said with some trepidation in her voice. “You do realize that I probably wouldn’t have convinced Penumbra that she needed to be Penumbra if Twilight hadn’t beaten her senseless, right?”
The alicorn screwed up her muzzle in what appeared to be mild annoyance, though it was not at all certain whether this irritation came from being asked a somewhat patronizing question or from having overlooked a genuine flaw in her reasoning. “That may be the case,” Celestia eventually answered, “but these are different circumstances. Your effort to redeem Penumbra was an improvised attempt to take advantage of a particular situation, whereas Penumbra has been making plans for Discord ever since I first proposed the idea to her.”
The other ponies turned their attention to their friend, who raised one of her eyebrows, but otherwise retained her stony demeanor. When this facial gesture failed to dislodge the attention she was receiving, Penumbra tried posing a rhetorical question: “Did you really think I had avoided contributing anything other than cloud sculptures to the coronation without a good reason?”
Since the others present chose to respond with silence, Princess Celestia elected to continue. “Now, I hardly need to explain that this plan is not without risks, most of which stem from Discord’s considerable power and his willingness to use it, seemingly at random. Thus, I have also brought the Elements of Harmony with me.” The Princess’ magical aura lifted a golden box out of her chariot. The box opened, and Celestia distributed five necklaces and one tiara to their respective Bearers. “Now, although I have enchanted the Elements to prevent Discord from stealing them again, I would advise you to avoid taking them off unless absolutely necessary. Should Discord prove to be a danger to Penumbra or anypony else, you are free to use them at your discretion to petrify him again.”
Despite some uncertain murmuring from Celestia’s audience, the Element-Bearers all adorned themselves with the most powerful magical artifacts in Equestria. “Thank you for agreeing to help,” the alicorn said, punctuating her sentence with a sincerely warm smile before turning towards Penumbra. “And I must once again thank you for taking on this challenge. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to return to Canterlot. The upcoming coronations have created some... well, let’s call them ‘unexpected diplomatic headaches.’” The Princess received a round of goodbyes from her friends and climbed back into her chariot, which soon rose into the air and sped off towards the Equestrian capital.
“So, how does this work?” Rainbow Dash asked the cloudsmith as the ponies watched Celestia’s chariot shrink into the distance. “We release Discord, and then you become his friend, and everything’s just hunky-dory?”
Penumbra nodded as she looked over the statue more closely, carefully examining its details. “That was Princess Celestia’s initial idea, and I think it’s a very reasonable one.”
Applejack pushed back her hat and scratched her head. “I dunno... you really think that’ll work?”
Penumbra’s nostrils flared as they released a derisive puff of air. “Are you kidding? Of course it won’t work.”
“But... didn’t you just say it was a good idea?”
“No,” the pegasus replied sternly as she began pacing in front of the petrified draconequus, “I said it was a reasonable idea, but it wasn’t a compliment. This is Discord we’re talking about. He delights in turning reason on its head. He’ll do everything he can to subvert any plan so straightforward.”
“But if you can’t do that, then what can you do?” Spike asked with some concern in his voice.
“I would rather avoid going into full detail at the moment,” Penumbra replied, “mostly because there’s a good chance that Discord can hear our conversations, even as a statue. I like to play my cards close to the chest, if you’ll pardon the gambling metaphor.”
Twilight Sparkle shifted her weight from hoof to hoof uneasily. “Is it really a good idea to just ignore what Princess Celestia has to say?”
“Celestia has given me full discretion in plotting the course of Discord’s rehabilitation. I can provide you with copies of all the documentation, if you wish to view them. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to begin.”
Twilight let out a resigned sigh as she walked in front of the petrified draconequus. “We might as well get this over with. Okay, girls,” she said to the other Element-Bearers, “form a circle around Discord.” Once the others had reluctantly complied, the librarian began to concentrate, and soon the Element of Magic was glowing a bright pinkish-white. The five other elements reacted accordingly, adding their own hues to the building rainbow and lifting their Bearers off of the ground.
Seconds later, the stone form of Discord was bathed in magic as the Elements began to undo the spell that had sealed him up little more than a year earlier. Cracks and crevices began to disfigure his marble patina, each one emitting rays of white light. Soon, the veneer’s structural integrity had weakened to the point where it all fell away in a pile of rubble, allowing the figure beneath to move around freely once again.
“-OOOOOOO my goodness, it does feel wonderful to move around after being stuck in place for so long,” Discord said as he floated in the air, stretching out his limbs and cracking his vertebrae. Several seconds later, he landed in the midst of the assembled ponies. “Well then,” he said in a suspiciously eager tone of voice, “shall we proceed?”
Rarity wasn’t the only pony present who was confused, but she was the first to give voice to her confusion: “Ah, Discord, would you mind explaining what you’re talking about?” she asked the chimera as cautiously as she could.
“Why, with my reformation, of course! Or did I misunderstand that little conversation you had with Celestia? Having your ears turned to stone can make things a little difficult to understand at times.”
This was not exactly the reaction that anypony had expected. “Uh, ain’t ya gonna try an’ start causin’ chaos now that you’re outta that statue?” Applejack asked, voicing the confusion that was plain on the faces of most of her friends.
“Now why would I want to do that?” Discord asked with a pained expression on his face, placing his paw over his chest as if to suggest that he’d been wounded by such an insulting assumption. “I am here to seek your counsel so that I may walk once again upon the path of righteousness.”
“Uh, Discord?” Rainbow Dash asked with as she flew up to the draconequus’ head and gently rapped it with her hoof a few times, causing odd metallic clunks to echo across the field. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m certain that he is feeling perfectly well, darling,” Rarity said derisively. “He’s more than likely lying in order to set up some ghastly idea of joke.”
The draconequus, however, shook his head rapidly. “No, it’s true! Celestia has sold me on the ennobling qualities of virtue, and I am quite ready to begin my lessons. I assure you, you will find me to be a most attentive student.” As if to accentuate his point, he created a private school uniform out of thin air (a female uniform, naturally) and sat down at an undersized desk that looked oddly similar to the ones found in the Ponyville schoolhouse.
Twilight seemed rather skeptical. “I don’t care what the plan is. Even if you cooperate at first, you’ll probably just be biding your time until you have another chance to seize control of Equestria.”
Discord rolled his eyes for a brief moment before smiling broadly at the princess-to-be. “I hardly think you’re a moral authority on the dangers of being power-hungry, Ms. Sparkle.”
The librarian looked notably chagrined—she hadn’t expected her attempt to orchestrate a bloodless revolution to come up in this conversation. “That... that only happened once.”
“Only once? You must excuse me, because if my memory serves me correctly, your first instinct upon my arrival was to question Celestia’s mental faculties. Again.”
“I was just speaking figuratively!”
“Oh? So that’s a valid excuse, then? I need to write this down.” Discord fished around in a backpack that had popped into existence next to his desk until he found a pencil and notebook and began scrawling out sentences across the lined surface. “Okay, let’s give it a try, shall we?”
The draconequus sent the desk, uniform, and backpack back into the ether and popped up between Rarity and Spike. He draped an arm around the white unicorn, and, ignoring the look of revulsion this action produced on her face, began to strike up some conversation. “So, Rarity, how has Tom been doing lately? I hear he’s a real gem—figuratively speaking, of course.”
“That is not how figurative language works, you... you brute!” Rarity said indignantly.
“On the contrary, I’m fairly certain that it is... Oh, that’s right. You thought Tom was literally a gem, didn’t you?” Discord chuckled as Rarity’s face was distorted by a potent mix of anger and humiliation.
“Hey!” Spike shouted. “You can’t just insult her like that!”
“Now, you see, Rarity?” Discord said, gesturing towards the purple dragon. “That is speaking figuratively. Spike has informed me that I can’t do what I literally just did, which would make no sense if he was being literal. See? We’re all learning today! Isn’t education wonderful?”
Applejack decided to take charge of the conversation as Spike consoled Rarity. “You know, considerin’ that we got the Elements of Harmony and all, do you really think it’s a good idea ta remind everypony why we don’t like you?”
Discord shrugged his shoulders. “Well, you know what they say about old habits,” he replied, though the grin on his face suggested that his weren’t about to die hard any time soon. “Speaking of which, I hear you’ve managed to pick up a particularly nasty one yourself.”
“The hay’s that supposed to mean?” Applejack said, squinting her eyes as she dug her hooves into the ground.
“Well, it seems that ever since our first encounter, you’ve had a tendency to try lying to get yourself out of problems.”
“What?! You take that back! I ain’t no liar, exceptin’ when I’m dealin’ with your antics.”
“Oh, really? Then what happened at that rodeo competition I heard about?” Discord produced a lasso ex nihilo and roped a nearby cloud, which soon began dropping red second-place ribbons on top of the earth pony.
“Uh, well, that wasn’t technically lyin’. I was just... er....”
“Encouraging your friends to believe something that wasn’t true. Oh, I’m so sorry for not making that distinction.”
Applejack groaned. “Okay, so I had a lapse of judgement. But that was only once.”
“Indeed... and what about your attempted solution to young Master Spike’s adorable little Dragon Code? Or does attempting to stage a fake timberwolf attack so you can pretend that your life is in danger not count as a lie either?”
The farmer was starting to get really flustered by this scrutiny. “But... but it’s not like I was tryin’ ta be selfish! I just wanted to give him a way ta save face, that’s all.”
“Ah, so lying is acceptable as long as you have good intentions. I’m learning so much from all of you today!”
Applejack angrily stamped one of her hooves into the ground. “Now, look here, you overgrown jigsaw puzzle. You’re takin’ isolated incidents an’ usin’ them ta try an’ make it sound like that’s how I am all the time, but everypony here knows that just ain’t the case.”
“Is that so? Then what about that little family reunion you organized?”
At this point Twilight Sparkle interjected, “What are you talking about, Discord? Applejack didn’t do any lying when that happened.”
At this, the draconequus covered his mouth as he gasped audibly. “You mean you didn’t tell them what you did?” he asked the farmer.
Before Applejack could answer, Rainbow Dash suddenly spoke up. “Huh? AJ tried to lie her way out of that problem, too?”
The orange earth pony’s voice suddenly sounded very strained, as if she was using all her willpower to keep from screaming at the top of her lungs. “No, I didn’t,” Applejack seethed, squeezing her words through clenched teeth. “This flea-bitten, snaggletoothed varmint is just tryin’ ta get all y’all ta distrust me so the Elements won’t work right.”
“Perish the thought!” Discord said, affecting a melodramatic tone. “I only wish to help you overcome your personality flaws before they become more severe. I assure that I have only your best intentions in mind.”
“You sure got a funny way of showin’ it,” Applejack replied, clearly unwilling to let this matter drop.
“Well, I’m sorry if I’m a bit out of practice at being good,” Discord said, landing on the ground once again. “Perhaps I can give it a try right now.” He glanced around until he found a new object for his attentions. “Ah, Fluttershy!” the draconequus exclaimed genially as he approached the nervous-looking pegasus. “I feel that I should perhaps apologize for my actions the last time we met.”
That was definitely not what Fluttershy—nor anypony else, for that matter—had expected to hear coming from the draconequus’ mouth, which only made the pegasus even more apprehensive. “Y-you do?”
“Of course. My blatant use of mind control to turn you into a cruel, self-serving nag was totally unwarranted.”
“Oh, um, well, if you’re truly sorry...”
“I am!” Discord said in a tone that vaguely resembled earnestness. “I never would have wasted the effort of using magic if I had known I could do the same thing by shouting hackneyed catchphrases at you.” Discord ended with a smirk that made Fluttershy cower on the grass as she looked back at her antagonist with a mix of fear and humiliation in her eyes.
“Hey! That’s not an apology!” Spike shouted angrily from where he was still consoling Rarity.
“I suppose that’s true,” the draconequus conceded. “Then again, as a wise minotaur once said, ‘Never apologize when you can criticize.’” Discord paused to flex the rippling muscles which had spontaneously appeared over his body before cackling with mad laughter. He then scanned his audience, apparently trying to decide which pony would next be graced with his charming wit. His eyes made contact with those of Rainbow Dash for the briefest of moments before he snaked his way over to the second earth pony in the group. “And how could I forget—”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash shouted, flying in front of the draconequus’ head so she could stare him directly in the eyes. “Don’t you ignore me like that! You think you can get away with spewing that crap about my friends and just pass me over like a coward? Come on, give me your best shot!”
Discord blinked a few times, and then stiffened his spine, drawing himself up to his full height. He briefly coughed into his lion’s paw to clear his throat, and then, in a clear, formal tone of voice, solemnly pronounced: “Let it be known that Rainbow Dash is so self-centered and egotistical that she became offended when I didn’t hurl a thinly-veiled insult at her.”
As one might imagine, Rainbow Dash did not take this lightly. “What?! I said that because I was standing up for my friends! That’s not self-centered!”
“Oh, really? Then why didn’t you bother defending them when I actually insulted them?”
Much to her embarrassment, the pegasus couldn’t think of an answer. “Um, I... well, you see... that is... shut up!”
Discord responded with a few condescending chuckles as he gingerly patted Rainbow Dash on the head. “Why don’t you be a good girl and keep quiet while the adults are talking?”
It was at this point that Spike decided that he’d had enough of Discord’s antics. Sure, the draconequus was much bigger and more powerful than he was, but if standing up to bullies wasn’t part of the Noble Dragon Code, then he was going to write up a new index card and add it as soon as he got home. Leaving Rarity’s side, he marched towards the chimera, stomping as aggressively as his stubby baby dragon legs could manage. “Listen, you—”
“Ah ah ah,” Discord interrupted. “I said that there was to be no interrupting the adults. Now, why don’t you go play with the other children?” With that, he picked up the baby dragon and casually tossed him over his shoulder into a playpen that had sprung up around Rainbow Dash.
“Hey! You can’t treat my twin brother like that!”
Discord seemed surprised and a little put off by this outburst, but his face softened considerably once he’d found it’s origin. “Of course... how could I forget Pinkie Pie?” Discord asked rhetorically as he zipped back over to the pink earth pony, whose face was uncharacteristically frowny and angry. “Why on earth didn’t you tell me you were a fellow imaginary friend? Our first meeting could have been so much more enlightening.”
If he had meant for this comment to clean the proverbial slate, it failed spectacularly. “I hadn’t even told my friends about that yet,” Pinkie said icily. “Why would I have told you?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Ugh... what is it about a royal title that turns a normal fun-loving pony into a stick in the mud?”
“Probably the fact that your idea of ‘fun’ involves being a great big meany-pants,” Pinkie answered, narrowing her eyes into a squint.
The draconequus ignored this jab, however, and glided over to the only pony present he had never actually met. He bowed low to Penumbra and solemnly intoned, “Well, if it isn’t the Duchess of Everfree. Allow me to properly introduce myself. I am Discord, monarch emeritus of Equestria.” He lifted one of the pegasus’ forehooves from the ground and daintily kissed it.
“Let me guess,” Penumbra said. “Celestia let slip that I’d be the pony in charge of reforming you, didn’t she?”
“Actually,” Discord said as he slithered through the air around the cloudsmith, “she didn’t even try to hide it. She told me that I’d be able to relate to you, since you’re a reformed imaginary jerk, too.”
“She actually called you a jerk before dropping you off here?” Twilight said, recoiling in shock at the mere thought of such an occurrence.
“No, but she would have if she thought I might not notice. Trust me, I spent several years bouncing around in her head.” Discord’s vocal register had lowered drastically by the end of this sentence, and he was glaring in the general direction of the Royal Palace. However, mere seconds later, his tone had once again become suspiciously bright and chipper. “But enough gossip—we’re here to begin my reformation, correct? Well, then why don’t I just make this easy for everypony involved. I, Discord, promise to be a good citizen, and to use my magic for the cause of justice from this day forth. Cross my heart, hope to fly—”
“Ooh, sorry,” Pinkie Pie interrupted, “but I’m not obligated to enforce any Pinkie Promises that I don’t approve of in the first place.”
This response clearly left Rainbow Dash confused. “Wait, why wouldn’t you want Discord to be good?”
“It’s not about what I want Discord to do,” Pinkie explained. “It’s what he actually would do that’s the problem. You see, if I agreed to enforce that Promise, and then he went out and did something not-nice, I’d end up unlocking pretty much all of my imaginary friend powers to put a stop to it, and something tells me he’d like nothing more than to find out which one of us is actually more powerful.”
“Spoilsport,” Discord grumbled in a much lower register than he’d used thus far—apparently, he’d been hoping to do something along those lines. If so, he did his best to reestablish the light and airy tone of the conversation by sticking out his surprisingly long tongue at the pink earth pony and flicking the end of it back and forth across her muzzle, eventually causing her to sneeze.
“Fascinating though this discussion may be,” Penumbra said drolly, “its subject is very much a moot point, as I have no intention of having Discord make any Pinkie Promises whatsoever.”
“Indeed? Then what would you have me do, o taskmaster?” Discord asked glumly as he absentmindedly enlarged several dandelions until their yellow blooms were big enough to be used as pom-poms.
“I don’t really think it’s best to view my plan as a drudgery-filled chore. I prefer to think of it as more of a challenge—a contest, if you will—and one that builds on the many skills that you already have, at that.”
“An intriguing proposition,” Discord said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “but I don’t play games anymore—unless there’s a prize for winning, of course.”
“That’s perfectly understandable,” Penumbra said, nodding solemnly. “And I have planned to give you a most exceptional prize indeed: should you fulfill the terms of our agreement, my friends will not use the Elements of Harmony on you. Ever.”
Discord opened his mouth to answer, but he was interrupted by a cacophony of shouts from the Element-Bearers, who had clearly not expected anything like this. Between the earth ponies and unicorns who’d surrounded her, the pegasi flying overhead, and even Spike, who popped up under Penumbra’s chin to throw in his two bits on the topic, the Duchess of Everfree learned little from this outburst other than the fact that her friends did not approve of her plan. For his part, Discord conjured up a large, overstuffed recliner and a massive tub of popcorn and settled back to enjoy the show.
Penumbra eventually held up a hoof to silence her critics. “It seems that I have misspoken.”
“You’re darn right you have!” Rainbow Dash shouted.
“As a group, the Element-Bearers will not be promising to refrain from using the Elements of Harmony on you,” Penumbra told Discord. “However, as only one of them needs to refuse in order to prevent that from happening, Applejack’s promise not to use the Element of Honesty will have the same effect.”
“Hold up there!” Applejack interjected. “Why in Tartarus would I agree to do that?”
Even if the question was intended to be rhetorical, Penumbra decided to act as though it wasn’t. “I’d like you to agree because I want you to be the final judge and arbiter of whether or not Discord has actually fulfilled the terms of the contest. Despite his rather transparent attempt to convince us otherwise, you are the Element of Honesty. Thus, you can not only be trusted to give Discord a fair chance at succeeding, but you can also ensure that he does not engage in any cheating. Is this acceptable?”
A mildly pained look washed over Applejack’s face, giving the distinct impression that she wanted to answer with a firm “no” even though she couldn’t find much that was objectionable in Penumbra’s proposal (besides the obvious, anyway). “Yeah,” she eventually drawled morosely, “I s’pose I’ll go along with it.”
“This is all very fascinating,” Discord remarked as he nonchalantly cleaned some grit from underneath one of his eagle talons, “but you seem to have forgotten that I have yet to agree to your little proposition. I assume that I will have to demonstrate that I have come to appreciate the importance of friendship or some other la-dee-dah nonsense.”
“Oh, no,” Penumbra said, shaking her head vigorously. “That criteria is far too subjective for something of this magnitude, even with the decision in the hooves of a pony renowned for her integrity. No, I have something much simpler in mind.”
This seemed to pique the draconequus’ curiosity, as he raised an eyebrow and floated right next to the pegasus. “Is that so?” he said. “Then what, may I ask, shall be object of my efforts?”
Penumbra’s smirk radiated all of the confidence of somepony whose machinations were going exactly as planned. “All you have to do,” she said, pausing briefly to add to the dramatic effect, “is make me laugh.”
——————————
Trixie Lulamoon had been on the run for several weeks, but she still wasn’t entirely certain why. Ever since the Alicorn Amulet had shattered from the strain of her last duel with Twilight Sparkle, her flight instincts had been working overtime. She started by heading northeast along the unicorn range, before turning east and then south through the Everfree Forest before eventually emerging in the swamps, bogs, and marshes that covered the southeastern corner of Equestrian territory. After spending several miserable days slogging eastwards through the muck, mire, and mosquitos, the disgraced showmare had finally emerged into the region that local ponies referred to as “the Badlands,” a particularly foreboding valley in the Macintosh Hills scarred by dozens of dry, rocky canyons.
Although these formations mercifully sheltered Trixie from the scorching heat of the midday sun, they offered no such protection from the chill of night, when fierce north winds swept through the canyons, making life utterly miserable for a unicorn who had only her flimsy cloak to separate her from the elements. Trixie’s initial plan to stay warm by moving at night was foiled by the labyrinthine layout of the rocky grooves, which were almost impossible to navigate after sunset, even with the mare’s most powerful lighting spell. Apparently, these formations weren’t called “Badlands” for nothing.
In the rare moments when she wasn’t struggling against Equestria’s most inhospitable landscape, Trixie found herself brooding over her failures. Just when it seemed that she’d finally bested Twilight Sparkle, her rival went and revealed that she’d been holding back the entire time. Even though the Alicorn Amulet had given Trixie power beyond her wildest imaginings, Twilight had turned out to be an actual alicorn. Granted, the few newspaper articles she’d been able to read had said that her rival was “magically unbalanced,” which was of little comfort, as that apparently meant that Twilight Sparkle was a weakling earth pony, a flightless pegasus, and quite possibly the most powerful unicorn who had ever lived. It was as though the universe was laughing in Trixie’s face, and it was this, more than any threat of criminal charges, that kept the showmare moving; if she settled down for too long, her ugly and humiliating past would eventually catch up with her.
However, all of Trixie’s problems came to a head on her fourth day in the Badlands, when a freak rainstorm erupted over the region, drenching her to the bone and causing her to scramble to find high ground before she could be swept away by flash floods. Had anypony been around to see her, they might have thought she was a drunken goat from the way she sloppily clambered along the side of her canyon, looking for slippery hoofholds in the sheets of rain that seemed to become more torrential by the second. More than once, Trixie came perilously close to sliding off the rocks into the surging water below her as she frantically looked around for anything that could grant her even the most rudimentary shelter. Eventually, she spotted a wide ledge above her which appeared to just out from a shadowy opening of some sort. She began her awkward approach towards her goal, along the way learning through near-disastrous experience the kinds of lessons most mountaineers learned in controlled settings. But at last, scraped and bruised, she finally reached her goal as she heaved herself up on the ledge and looked at the shadowy area she’d spied from below...
...which turned out to be nothing more than an ordinary shadow.
“No...” the showmare said disbelievingly. “This... this was supposed to be a cave. Or... or at least an overhang of some sort.” It didn’t take very long, however, for self-pity to morph into anger. “You stupid slab of rock,” Trixie said as she glowered at the sheer cliff face through the downpour, “I need a cave right now!” The bolt of energy that shot from the showmare’s horn surprised her—in her frustration, she hadn’t even realized that she’d allowed that much energy to build in the first place. The magical energy seeped into the cliff, which absorbed it like a sponge sucking up water. At first, nothing happened, but that soon changed when a low rumble, ten times louder than any thunder Trixie had ever heard, began to shake the ground around her. A series of glyphs and archaic symbols appeared in the rocky surface, which began tearing like a piece of worn-out fabric. When the rumbling finally ceased, Trixie found herself staring at the entrance to a dark—and dry—cavern. She looked around the cave opening, only to see that the glyphs had already begun to fade. She stood there in the pouring rain until they had receded completely into the wall. Briefly, she wondered whether it would be wise to enter this cave of such uncertain origins, but she banished this thought from her mind. Trixie had asked for a cave, and Providence had seen fit to give her one. Steeling her resolve, the showmare walked out of the rain, and into the cave’s arid darkness.
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This story looks lonely. I'm going to "like" it.
and now, the fun REALLY begins.
Aaahh! It's here!
Discord seems a lot more bitter than in the show, it's a nice touch to see a seed of villainous in a character which I'm now used to reading as Chaotic Neutral.
Also, I'm intrigued as hell to find out just what you have planned for Trixie
Thumb'd, Fav'd and waiting
Five bits that Discord tries to force laughter on her first, only to be shouted down by Applejack.
Also, this.
chapter 10?
EDIT:KAY
What a rebel! Starting with chapter 10 instead of chapter 1.
Counting down the chapters instead of up, perhaps? Still, very nice and followed.
Meh. So Do I.
Your Discord is quite insightful. And incisive. You make your villains a bit more competent and hardcore than you'd find in the actual show, but it fits your tone.
And now we have Trixie entering the cave of wonders. I wonder how she'll play into all this... Is there a magic lamp with a wish-granting djinn inside?
As if Discord wasn't going to be enough of a problem, Trixie's unearthed something...
Can't wait for chapter 9
I hope this involves changelings. I immediately thought of changelings when you mentioned the Badlands.
...
Now I want a changeling emoticon...
Kwakerjak strikes again!
Great first part, definitely on par with you other stuff.
and possibly one of my favorite authors on this site adds another story to one of the est series I have ever read in a fan fiction.
On a more constructive note than before (2611795), I think the start of the first chapter has too much recapping. It's probably fair to assume that a lot of readers wouldn't have read the prequels, but even given that, I think you go into too much depth regarding what happened previously. I would recommend editing that part to make it shorter.
aaaand featured!
Kudos, Kwakerjak.
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2612789
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/292/104/f9f.png
images.wikia.com/mlpfanart/images/d/de/Free_hugs_changeling_by_xyotic-d5fyeje.png
I can't help but wonder if the next chapter will be number nine, eleven, or fish...
In any case, this looks much more promising than "Keep Calm and Flutter On." Though Penumbra's challenge seems a bit too easy for someone proven capable of complete mental domination. I suppose her own imaginary nature would offer some resistance, though...
Also, Trixie's clearly stumbled upon something everyone is going to wish she hadn't, especially her. I look forward to seeing precisely what.
Eagerly looking forward to more, especially how Discord makes the grumpiest grump to ever grump laugh.
Great beginning chapter!
I like how you address all the flaws that the plan of the show had. Seriously? Become Discord's friend? That was the master plan to reform Discord. A being who's name "literally" means conflict and strife between people (ponies).
I'm left wondering exactly how Penumbra's plan to make her smile would work. Perhaps something that has to do with the process to make her laugh? Also wondering on what's happening with Trixie. I have a hypothesis but let's see what happens next chapter before I commit.
Can't wait to see the next chapter.
Great!
I say reverse reverse psychology down to one, which is exactly where it begins.
Excuse me while I sit here and squeal like an exited schoolgirl for a few minutes
(like'd fav'd etc.)
Chapter 10? How confusing.
Anyway, It is awesome to see the Petriculture series continued!
Dang, Discord sure isn't pulling any conversational punches.
Noble Dragon Spike is so great. As much as that episode was mostly meh, it did have some good points.
Nice thinking Pinkie, but that's really to be expected with this rendition of her.
Oh Trixie, just what are you up to?
Considering that Penumbra is such a stoic figure, even Discord is going to be taxed to his limits trying to make her laugh.
Though, I notice that Discord didn't mention exactly who Penumbra used to be. Did Celestia not tell him? If so, it'll make things more interesting when he finds out.
The start of another epic tale begins. Or ends. Maybe both. Yeah, I'll go with that.
Apart from a few minor errors (mostly dropped words), this looks to be a worthy edition to the cycle.
I wonder how long it will take before Discord tries a feather to the barrel. I'm guessing that's considered cheating, though.
It seems that The Great and Powerful Trixie will be playing an important role. Is Chrysalis getting a new advisor, perhaps?
Guilty as charged.
Oh, wait, Pinkie was talking about Discord, wasn't she? 
I think I speak for all of us when I say that the one person who disliked this can go fornicate himself with an iron stick.
I've been waiting for this...
2616933 dude that's cold
they should do it with a hot iron stick instead
It's the final countdown!
I look forward to what antics Discord will get up to trying to get Pennyto laugh.
I add my voice to the cacophany of encouragement.
The... final story?
Since you're kind of paralleling it with events from S3 right now, what about S4? You might want to keep the possibility in mind.
...or is this going to be "final" like Know Your Mare is "complete"?
2618213 - It's the last one that I intend to write, but I do plan on assisting and encouraging others who want to continue it. In fact, it's being written with those persons in mind.
2617296 I see what you did there!
Just caught up on the whole series and I'm enjoying this so far. Your Discord is spot on and hilarious. I gotta admit though after I read Perticulture this is not how I expected the series to go but it's been fantastic so far.
Welp, can't wait till the bombshell gets dropped and Discord finds out he's dealing with lil' ol Nightmare Moon.
2620199 - He already knows about that.
2619171 - Trust me, this isn't how I expected things to go after I finished Petriculture either.
New Petriculture cycle? Favourite button? Yes Please!
I'm just going to say that I saw this coming, not that I'm upset or anything. I'm actually excited. I await the next chapter.
...I, for one, am VERY interested to see how this turns out. For one, Penumbra laugh is gunna be interesting...not to mention how Discord will have to dig REAL deep to make that happen. I mean, seriously, for a long time now it's been HIMSELF he's been amusing, understanding and bringing joy to others, released in a laugh, of all things, will take a metric TON of character development to do...and that's if he even gets a laugh from that method. In all honesty, I can see the Laugh from Penumbra being equally contemptible in terms of laughter, technically a victory for Discord, but something that shows he's failed his task in the spirit it was intended. Something, I'd bet, would rankle the guy to no end!
And then there is Trixie...I REALLY want to see where this is going. Plus, I've always had a soft spot for the showmare. I'd love to see this bring some much needed growth in her character.
Exposition dump, much? That's a pretty impressive summary.
How come I only see chapter 10??
2629640 - Because it's the only one I've written so far.
2629870
Well ...make sence! Your not pinkie
2632142
This is a story centered around Discord.
Think about it.
2632142
sense*
you're*