7. Brad Is Thicker than Water
The Mixed-Up Life of Brad
by D. G. D. Davidson
VII. Brad is Thicker than Water
Twilight Sparkle was human again, and Brad was happier than he had been in a week. He sat across from her at an outdoor table in front of the little café they considered their personal spot. She had a big book in her hands as she usually did, and he had an issue of a music magazine in his, though he wasn’t reading. Spike lay at Twilight’s feet and occasionally wagged his tail.
It was at this very table that Brad had first realized he was truly in love with Twilight, for he had discovered that he could be content simply sitting in her presence. It wasn’t necessary for either of them to speak.
He reached out, took her soft hand, and marveled at it. She looked up from her book and smiled.
“Brad?” she said.
“Yes, Twilight?”
“It’s time to wake up.”
Brad opened his eyes. Through a mental fog of clinging sleep, he peered blearily into the eyes of a thick-jawed white unicorn clad in a reddish brass champron.
Brad gasped, rocketed away from the unicorn, and fell out of bed, taking most of the bedclothes with him to the cold marble floor.
“Wakey wakey, rise and shine,” the unicorn said in a gruff voice tinged with amusement. “It’s time to be bright-eyed and hairy-tailed. And by the way, my name’s Stainless Steel, not Twilight.”
Brad sat up and rubbed sleep from his eyes. “Where am I? And what time is it?”
“You are in Canterlot, in your private quarters at the castle—”
“If they’re private, what are you doing here?”
Stainless Steel laughed. “Waking you, obviously. Princess Cadance wants an audience, so I suggest you do whatever it is folk of your type do to make yourselves presentable to royalty.”
“We don’t have royalty.” Brad began extracting himself from the sheets and blankets, but stopped when he remembered that, having only one set of increasingly crusty and foul-smelling clothes and no pajamas, he was sleeping in the buff.
Stainless didn’t appear to notice or care. “No royalty? You must be a right savage lot, then. Well, what are you waitin’ for, boy? Get up and get ready. The princess of love don’t appreciate bein’ stood up.”
“Would you mind giving me some privacy?”
“Eh?”
“It’s a human thing.”
“Ah.” The unicorn nodded. “Like a mare who don’t wanna be seen gettin’ dressed, lest you learn all her beautifyin’ tricks and ruin the effect, eh? I get you. They’d told me you were a bit on the dandyish side. I’ll just step out, then, but don’t be long: I’m sure Cadance would rather see you soon than see you prettied up.”
Whistling to himself, the guard walked out through a high door. Brad threw the sheets and covers back onto the bed and searched the floor until he found his discarded clothes. After donning them, he went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth with Goops for Stuff All-Natural Minty Fresh Tooth Powder Free of Evil Fluoride, and then he combed into his spiky hair about half a jar of Goops for Stuff Invigorating All-Natural Carrot and Pomegranate Ultra-Hold Mane-Fixing Pomade. When he knocked on the front door, Stainless Steel promptly walked back in with Cadance in tow.
“Cripes, boy,” Stainless said, “you insisted on gettin’ gat up, but you couldn’t even make the bed?”
“Cadance,” said Brad, backing to the other side of the room to escape her aura, “to what do I owe this displeasure?”
Cadance replied with a strained smile. “Your attitude was amusing at first, Brad, but it’s wearing thin. If you’d like to help Twilight, I strongly suggest you feign courtesy. We have only a short time before the Coucil convenes, and we need to make you presentable, so I’ve brought somepony for the task.”
Cadance tipped her head toward the door, and into the room cantered a white unicorn mare who made Brad’s jaw drop.
She fluttered her eyelashes, revealing eyelids carefully painted with blue shadow, and offered him a beaming smile. “Brad,” she said in a sultry voice, “how wonderful to finally meet you. For the Cosmic Council, I’m told, you are to be the personal guest of Princess Celestia, which is a great honor, and custom dictates that you simply must have formal day wear. I almost wish you were the guest of Princess Luna, as hers wear evening wear, which is so much more elegant, but still—”
Brad found his voice. “Rowellina? What in the world are you doing here, and how did you become a pony?”
The unicorn blinked a few times. “I . . . beg your pardon, darling? I don’t believe we’ve met. My name is Rarity—”
Brad glanced back and forth between Stainless Steel and Princess Cadance, and then gave “Rarity” a brief nod. “Riiight,” he said, doing his best to play along. “My bad. You just kind of remind me of someone, that’s all.”
“Oh? How nice. Well, darling, I’m told I shouldn’t use levitation spells around you, which will make this more difficult, but if you’ll just step over here, please, I’ll take your measurements. I’ve designed many ensembles for satyrs and centaurs, which have builds somewhat like yours, so I’m sure with a few adjustments—”
Rarity continued prattling as she wrapped a tape measure around her front pasterns and stretched it across Brad’s body in various ways, pausing from time to time to take a pencil in her teeth and jot down notes on a piece of paper. She then asked him to move his arms and legs in several directions so she could get an idea of his joints, and she jotted still more notes. All the while, Brad watched her carefully: voice, diction, mannerisms, and even her interest in clothing all matched the Rowellina he’d known back in Canterlot High. Clearly, this was the same girl, and she’d clearly found some way to travel to Equestria and turn herself into a pony, though she apparently felt it best to disguise her identity.
A cold sweat broke out on his neck. If she could do it, then it couldn’t be long before Twilight would figure out how to do it, and that meant Twilight would be asking him to transform soon.
After she finished measuring, she danced about on her hooves for a moment and cried, “Oh, this will be marvelous!” Without ado, she trotted back out. A small smile formed on Cadance’s mouth as she nodded to Brad and took her leave as well, shutting the door behind her.
With arms crossed and a foot tapping on the floor, Brad stared at the closed door for a minute before turning to Stainless Steel and saying, “Why are you still here?”
Stainless laughed. “Why, didn’t nopony tell you? I’m your personal guard, boy, assigned to you by Princess Twilight, my mistress and yours—though I’m usin’ the word mistress two different ways here, if’n you catch my drift.”
“I’ll pretend I don’t. And she’s actually just my girlfriend.”
“Suit yourself. I’m sure the princess’d slap me silly if she heard me talk that way anyhow.”
“Which princess?”
“Any of ’em. They’re all uptight—well, ’cept Cadance, mebbe cuz she’s got a stallion in the paddock, if’n you catch my second drift o’ the mornin’.”
“So Twilight has her own guards?”
Stainless tapped his champron with a hoof. “Couldn’t you tell by the armor? Gold for Celestia, silver for Luna, copper for Cadance, brass for Twilight. Well, ’cept Cadance’s guards usually wear that crystally nonsense, but that’s another matter. There’s just three of us sundown guards at the moment—the pegasi who drag Princess Twilight around in that chariot, and me, though I do believe she’s hankerin’ to get that young Flash in ’er little collection, too, if you catch yet my third drift.”
“Wait, who?”
“Oh, nopony in particular. If’n that’d be all, milord, I’ll be takin’ my leave. You ring if you be needin’ somethin’, you hear?” Stainless bowed deeply and backed toward the door.
“Wait. Wait just a minute. Who is Flash?”
Without an answer, Stainless Steel slipped out and closed the door. Brad heard the click of a key turning in a lock, and he fumed.
The very next morning, Brad fell out of bed yet again when Stainless Steel burst through the door with a loud clamor, shoving before himself a wheeled rack from which hung several garments.
“Wake good, wake good, eggs and baked goods!” he called. “Are you plannin’ to sleep the whole day through? Princess High an’ Mighty is raisin’ the sun, and when she’s done with that, she and the other sovereigns’ll sit down to a lavish but no doubt tense and unpleasant breakfast, and then they’ll call the Council. They sent me along to clothe you, feed you, wet-nurse you if need be, and otherwise make you presentable.”
Brad sat up and rubbed his face. “I’ll clothe myself, thanks.”
“Fine by me. Miss Rarity sent over your new dress-up duds.”
“She works fast.”
“Aye, she’s one o’ the best, I’m told, and she’s a personal friend o’ your mistress an’ mine, if you again catch my—”
“I catch it, so stop throwing it. Why don’t you get out so I can play dress-up?”
“If I did that, boy, I’d eat all your fine breakfast for you, and you’d get nary a crumb.” After giving the rack of clothes a hard shove that sent it further into the room, Stainless retreated out the door again and promptly returned with a wheeled table loaded with dishes piled high with fried eggs and steaming muffins.
“That’s great,” said Brad, “but I need to get dressed—”
“Posh, boy. You plannin’ to spill egg all over your new suit? Dress after you eat, like a civilized pony.”
Brad sighed. “At least shut the door.”
Stainless obliged. Brad threw off the sheets, stood, and stretched. Stainless gave his pale, bony body a quick appraisal, but no more, and then sat on the floor near the table and dug into the eggs.
“Hey!” said Brad.
“Get it while the gettin’ is good,” Stainless said around a mouthful. “They don’t feed us like this in the barracks, that’s for sure.”
Brad crouched at the table opposite the pony and, two-fisted, grabbed a pair of muffins. The boy and the unicorn grew grimly silent as they set about the task of devouring the food, each one apparently bent on consuming more than the other.
By the time he’d eaten six eggs and four muffins, washed down with three cups of coffee, Brad felt halfway sick. He staggered up from the table and made his way toward the bathroom while, behind him, he heard Stainless Steel offer a long, slow, ruminative belch.
Brad bathed and brushed his teeth quickly, but, since this room held a rack of powders and potions every bit as enormous and varied as the one he’d enjoyed in the Crystal Empire, he couldn’t resist a few experiments. He was getting the impression that ponies were very particular about their hygiene products. He combed the other half of the jar of pomade into his hair, tried a couple of sprays after making sure they weren’t seasonal odor masks, and then, with a towel around his waist and a cloud of steam issuing after him, stepped out and headed for the clothing rack. Stainless, leaning back on his haunches and patting his full belly, watched impassively, but flared his nostrils briefly as Brad passed.
“You smell like a mare,” Stainless said.
“I get that a lot. Sooner or later, I will at last discover what you consider to be the manly combination of oils, gels, and sprays. Oh, that reminds me.” He went to his backpack and dug through it until he found the package Cadance had given him. He pulled out the bottle of perfume and squeezed the bulb vigorously, dousing himself with the contents.
Coughing, Stainless rose to his hooves and planted a forefoot over his nose. “I think one pump would be enough.”
“I want my message to be loud and clear,” Brad answered.
“It will be. I think everypony in the chamber will be able to smell that.”
“Good.”
“Gah! My nostrils are burning!” Stainless cautiously uncovered his nose, took another brief sniff, and shrugged. “But at least you don’t smell like a filly no more.”
Brad set about donning the clothes, which turned out to be more complicated than he’d expected. There was a silk undershirt and a pair of silk underwear that enclosed his legs snuggly and cinched at the waist with a drawstring. Over that went a long, ruffled white dress shirt, also of silk, with a wingtip collar, French sleeves, and black studs in place of buttons. The trousers and jacket were both of cashmere colored a faint purple, almost gray. Up the front of the trousers was an array of thirteen buttons, like those on a sailor’s dress blues. The jacket had a thin lapel and curved back sharply at the waist, indicating that it was not meant to be buttoned. Under the jacket went a cummerbund of bright lavender. For Brad’s neck, Rarity had left a bowtie of purple and pink stripes; fortunately, he knew how to tie one of these, as he’d looked it up once in order to don a costume for a theater class. For the final touches, Rarity had prepared a high felt top hat of the same faded purple as the suit and a polished black cane topped with what appeared to be a real diamond almost as big as Brad’s fist.
Unfortunately, Rarity had not provided new shoes, but she had sent a pair of spats that hid Brad’s worn sneakers somewhat.
Brad examined himself in the full-length mirror at the end of the bed. By the standards back in his world, the clothes were both anachronistic and garish, but he had to admit they looked sharp, and Rarity had cut them precisely to his measurements. He was reasonably certain that these clothes, like the perfume Cadance had given him, were supposed to send a message: the colors were muted, but Brad had little doubt that the choice of purple and pink was deliberate. Together, the outfit and the perfume unambiguously sent the message that Brad considered himself to be Twilight Sparkle’s. With a satisfied nod, he gave the cane a twirl and cocked the top hat at what he assumed was a jaunty angle.
Leaning his face on one hoof, Stainless gave a half-hearted and sarcastic wolf whistle. “You don’t strike me as the real cultured type, so jest let me advise you that, around here, inferiors show respect to their betters, so be sure you tip that lid to any mares you meet, and be sure you doff it in front of the princesses.”
“Thanks. I will. But I’m honestly not sure I can tell who’s a mare and who’s a stallion.”
Stainless snorted. “Can’t you smell the difference?”
“No.”
“Well, then, the mares are the ones without the danglies, if you yet again catch my—”
“My eyes are up here,” Brad said, leveling a hand with his face, “and I’m not going to bend down for a peek every time I meet a new pony.”
Stainless shrugged. “Ah, you’ll figure it out in time, I’m sure. We stallions are bigger, usually, an’ the mares have pretty, petite little muzzles—’cept the stallionish ones.”
“What about Cadance? Surely she’s not stallionish.”
“Alicorns don’t count. They’re all big like that.”
“Twilight isn’t.”
“Give ’er time, laddie. She just needs to grow a mite. Someday, the rest of ’er will fit those gigantic, ungainly wings, just as Cadance eventually grew into that enormous horn she’s got.”
Brad turned again to the mirror. “This outfit is nearly perfect, but it needs dress shoes.” He held up the cane and thrust it a few times as if it were a rapier. “And if I’m really going to walk around in this, I should carry a sword cane—both to truly complete the look and to defend myself from anyone who wants to kick my candy ass for dressing this way in the first place.”
Stainless snorted again. “You ain’t no guardspony nor a noble, boy. You ain’t got no right to carry a sword. Now, if you be done prancin’ in front of the mirror like a filly on Nightmare Night, it’s high time we got you situated in the chamber.”
Perhaps because he was nervous, or perhaps because the coffee had been strong, or perhaps because he’d never before seen himself looking so foppish, Brad felt oddly buoyant and jovial, as if he were half drunk. He giggled and spun around on his heels.
“I’m dressed in silks,” he cried, “and I’m perfumed. At this rate, you ponies will turn me into a first-class dandy. I require not only dress shoes, but a scented kerchief or a nosegay, and I demand that my next suit be of this same cut but in crushed velvet. Now take me to your leaders.”
Stainless Steel, with an eyebrow cocked and a hint of sarcasm in his voice, threw open the door, bowed deeply, and said, “Right this way, milady.”
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Hmm, quite the re-image for the introduction of Rarity in this chapter, very different then what it was before. Can't wait to see more surprise that you have in store when Brad encounters more characters that he happens to know at his human world.
Poor Brad, it would seem that he can't even drink a cup of coffee without having some sort of side effects, assuming that it is the beverage that made him intoxicated. Not only that he's paired up with a... some-what-too-opened guard that talks with rather intimate wording, but the guy is going make quite the first impression towards anyone at the Cosmic Council at the state of mind that he is in. The next chapter shall be interesting indeed.
Overall, pretty decent chapter. Keep up the good work man.
What a fop.
... Kind of strange I got two stories mixed up when I started reading it. Aaannnnnyyyyyyyway, Brad appears to be going through the same motions as I've seen mostly in human in Equestria story that starts out with the human being captured. I'm somewhat confused why they never informed Brad anymore about the case or how he should behave around them, only that he should just look "presentable." There wasn't even a summary about that preparation either.
I forgot that since this is before the movie came out that he should know all the ponies names as human ones like Rarity's human name, strange that there was no mention of the mane when she showed up, just her race, fur, and eyes.
For some reason I was expecting Flash to get a mention from the moment that Stainless Steel was introduced.
I trust that Rarity knows what she's doing, so I assume that dandied up Brad is going to make a good impression with his appearance at the very least. His attitude is another question entirely, so I hope he realizes that Twilight is depending on him to not screw it up. She's the one who can get in real actual trouble as a result of how this meeting plays out, after all.
Flash is the pony version of him, right? Flash Sentry or something. Or was that the actual human from the movie's name?
This is confusing.
Flash and Brad. That meeting should be fun. Flash is a pegasus guard, Brad is in a high school band.
didn't brad meet rarity two or three chapters ago??
Hmmm. I'm hoping for some positive change.
Jumping to the bottom real quick to say that I love the new cover for this.
2759580
Sorry for the confusion there. Rarity's earlier chapter got cut during some requested editing. I needed some certain details that involved her, so I put her back in here.
2759580 That chapter was removed as part of a process to get this featured on EQD.
Well, should be seeing the movie today, excited to find out what happens and more importantly what Brad's real name is. I do know whatever I end up thinking about the actual EQG, it won't change my opinions on this fine story.
Brad's a fancy man, gotta love that image. I like Stainless as a character too.
2759188
well in this he had talked to twilight enough to atleast get a hint if not more of pony culture
Hoh boy…
That much coffee before an important meeting?
2759621
You forget, we are dealing with a anorexic male teenager here. There are no positive changes here.
2759137
Come on, it´s only an intoxicated teenager in his first diplomatic meeting with the local powers who hold his and Twilight´s future. What can possibly go wrong?
2760249 His real name is Flash Sentry
2760812 hilarity ensues I am sure lol
2761151 eeyup, just saw it. I still prefer Brad.
You know, if you really wanted to put the monkey wrench in all of this and make it so Twilight couldn't get into trouble, you could have just had Cadance marry you to Twilight, Brad.
Oh and if you really are forced into getting the horsie bits, make sure you get both the horn and the wings as a package. Like most lottery tickets you need both items to win.
I'm pretty torn on where this story is headed. On one hand, things are going reasonably well, and Brad, for all his obvious stress, is acting much better than he could be. On the other hand, the author has a great talent for writing things tragic and unpleasant, looking over his other stories.
I'm kinda wondering if the kid is just gonna keel over with all the magic around and it's obvious ill-effects on his body and mind.
2762656
I can almost guarantee you that you cannot guess how the Cosmic Council will end, though I've already hinted at it just a little bit.
Yeah, I know, that sounds too confident, but still.
" defend myself from anyone who wants to kick my candy ass for dressing this way in the first place.”
LOVED that line.
Stainless Steel is rapidly becoming my favorite side character.
And I can't help but read him in the voice of Demoman from Team Fortress.
I don´t liek Stainless Steel very much. he rubs me the wrong way somehow.
And we got Flash, that will be another interesting encounter. :D
2780757 And now that's in my head
This is just absolutely brilliant on every possible level.
Just started to read this chapter, but had to pause to note this: Stainless Steel speaks in the voice of Rick the Adventure Sphere in my head. It is glorious.
Ah ha, I was right. The bit earlier where Brad's third-person limited POV calls his crystal-pony guard a "him" seems even odder now.
2925439
...and now I can't un-hear that. Thanks.
2762687
Wow. Your Equestria sounds like it was run by dicks. British dicks. It needs an American revolution... or fuck, even a Russian, Mexican, or French Revolution.