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Fluttershy, confronted by eons of loneliness and isolation, was left alone with her memories of a world she had left behind countless years ago. The eternal life of a princess was never meant to be easy, but with the constant loss of all she cared about, pony and critter alike, she could not help but slowly waste away. That was, until she finally decided to consult her last friend with a most unsavory proposal.
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You really know how to tug the heartstrings.
Sad... But beautiful.
2593970
Yay! First comment ever. Thanks, it means a lot for me to get feedback.
2595541
Thanks for the feedback. I haven't often dealt with sad emotions like this, but sometimes I have to write about the feels.
I do have one complaint: If your story only has 1 chapter, don't name the chapter "Chapter 1" it makes it seem like an ongoing story, even though it's marked as complete.
Don't mean to offend, it's just a pet peeve of mine.
2595745
I totally understand, and I welcome any and all criticism (I mean, how do we expect to get better without it?). To be honest, I'm a little lost when it comes to formatting my stories on this site. I left the chapter box blank because I did intend for this to be complete, but I am finding out that "Chapter 1" is placed as a default. In a case like this, should I merely put the title of the story as the chapter title too?
This is very very good. For a first fic, this is incredible. Heck, for any fic, this is awesome.
Your use of emotions in this poured out of the screen, and really touched me. I don't what else to say but keep up the good work, and I am really looking forward to more stories from you! 
2596247
Thanks so much for the kind words. I'm going to get started right away!
2596252
Also, this right here is why I followed you more than anything. The fact that you are open to constructive criticism says a lot. Keep that attitude, and you will go far!
that's the attitude want, i'm going to read this now. i'll add to the comment later.
this was overall above average. it tugs at the heartstrings, but is not really that sad. it's a classic "immortality is sad" story. just with fluttershy, which makes no sense at all.
my main issues are that it lacks a real emotional punch and that it is very obvious. this might just be my opinion, but i prefer my sad to be either very sad with a heavy finisher or extremely vague and/or hinting at stuff rather than saying it straight out, adding more gravity to the situation. this story has no points where anything becomes so sad that i want to bawl my eyes out, even the ending is too long stretched and would be better off with something along the lines of
this ending hints towards Fluttershy either being killed or staying in a never ending sleep.
and you didn't have to explain why she became an alicorn, you are already using the alternate universe tag (which is actually out of place on this fic along with the "dark" tag, this is distant future, not an alternate future. and the story is really not that dark. only the sad tag and possibly the tragedy tag would be fitting, but i suggest using only the sad tag as tragedy, dark and alternate universe repels the kind of readers you would want for this type of fic.) anyways, so anyone would just assume that either all the elements became alicorns or that only she became one because of reasons explained in the fic.
and the use of "princess" early on is completely out of place. discord would not address shy as princess and shy would not address twilight as princess twilight.
don't take this the wrong way though, i liked the story and you have potential as a writer as long as you improve on some issues. on a completely unrelated note, do you need a pre-reader?
2595969
You could use the title for the chapter name...
I think something like "The Eternal Dream" or "Alone in the new world" would fit just as well, considering the plot, but those are just suggestions, feel free to pick one or come up with your own.
2596283
I'll keep that in mind. Thanks a lot for pointing this out to me!!
I have no words to describe how amazing this is.
2596322
I have no words to describe how happy I am to hear that!
2596328 You absolutely deserve that favorite and that follow.
2596275>>2596322 Go forth, my followers. Comment on this story! Get it well known, as it should be!
2596361 I spread da word, boss.
that was so sad! *sniffle*
Thank you shishkabob for making a blog about this amazing story
that was so sad! *sniffle*
Thank you shishkabob for making a blog about this amazing story
2596586
I'm really glad you enjoyed it!
2596597 I'm really glad you wrote it
huh, this was my 500th favorite. achievement accomplished i guess?
2596657
it is a milestone
and achievement is getting 1000
hell, i haven't even hit 200 yet
Oh my, good job man. This is pretty tear jerking. Perhaps the only thing you need to do is separate your lines a little better. Either hit enter twice or indent. Besides that little syntax of a thing, I mean this is pretty damn good. I'm surprised to see this out of a first timer. It's impressive, it has everything a one-shot needs. Now, don't make the mistake I did, and add more to this. It's done, it's finished, and it doesn't need any more. I am kicking myself for adding another 'chapter' to one of my stories, but hey, I didn't realize that people were going to want to read more. Besides all of that, if you want to, feel free to add more description, maybe add a little more to the throne room. Put the reader into the story, and get their mind into it, this will bring people to tears then. I didn't cry, but damn did I want to. Anyways, if you need any type of help, feel free to message me. I will be promoting your story BTW. This needs to become a little more known. Also, add it to the group 'one-shots.' BE SURE TO READ THE RULES BEFORE POSTING PLEASE, just click forum.
FInal Verdict: I thought this would be confusing, I thought you would need more help, boy was I wrong.
2596718 oh snap! We got Prince Solstice doing one his rage rev- wait what? It's not a rage review. What's more is he's actually complimenting the fic. Bravo author. Bravo
2596718
2596885
Oh wow. I truly feel honored. This whole day has been pretty crazy. Thanks for the comments, especially the suggestions on syntax and further description. This is the last time I'm going to work on it over Word and transfer it over.
2596885 Indeed, my friend, did you take a gander at this story?
2596910 No problem, not all of this site is crazy assholes on a crusade to destroy others stories. Just like not all assholes aren't always assholes. Anyways, hope this story gets popular.
2596913 I will later. I'm about to DM a game of dnd
2596946
I hope you enjoy it when you get around to it. I'm a DM too, so I know how that goes. Just remember, no TPK unless they deserve it
Don't worry I wont
Well, looks like Fluttershy's got a case of the old world blues.
The feels for this have just hit me like a freight train.
Ok done with the session for tonight and I've played some mine craft time to get this started
Edit: not bad. I rather enjoyed it. It tuged at the heart strings a bit but didn't quite move me to tears. Still, well done.
if TheCloudtop says it's good, I'm going to read it... and damn was this good. congrats on being so good for your first fic.
2604816
Thanks so much! I'm just getting started!!
I'm a little disappointed that this gem has not been uncovered by too many people, despite being added to so many groups.
This reminds me…
Not only do I need to dig though all 500+ of my unread chapters, but I should check incoming stories for more hidden treasure.
Instead, I'm lazying around on Minecraft and attempting to get my writing mojo back.
2607378
I'm still super excited it's gotten as far as it has! However, if you have any pointers of things I can do to get it out there more, I'm all ears. I'd love to make sure more people could read and enjoy this story!
However, I will say, either tonight or tomorrow, I'm totally going to get started on my next work!
2607427 I shall be looking forward to seeing it.
And possibly bombing it with criticism if needed.
There really arent any changes that changes the story at all, but what you have added are improvements, especially the ending and the removal of the AU tag.
However, when you are just starting out with writing, don't go back and change your stories, let them be finished and stay that way. Your efforts would be better spent writing more and better stories using what you learn than trying to make the perfect story.
2609084
That is my plan starting today. I had no intentions of a major rewrite, so I intend to get started on the next, big thing.
2609084>>2609252
^ Ditto'd.
This really was pretty good stuff. I got a bit of a hint of what was happening from the cover alone--thanks to the Drawfriend for sending me here--but even knowing a story's course does not lessen the impact it has, when well-written. I'll be honest, there's only two things that jumped out at me, and one of them is simply a matter of preference. That one would be spacing, or a lack thereof. For my part, I tend to put a break between paragraphs when I write, and a lot of other authors follow the same convention on here--though you generally won't see the same in printed books. As I said, matter of preference.
The second one, and the only one that really broke my immersion in the story was the use of the term "Mane 6". It seems to grasp at a reader's out-of-story knowledge to illustrate to us the six ponies we know best. It could also be the random number, and numbers are a bit of an odd subject in writing. (Oddly Discord's line of "About 2 months" didn't even register until my second read-through, but standard rules of typing say that so long as you don't start a sentence with a number, you're okay.) For better flow, I'd opt for "the rest of the old circle of friends" or something similar.
I'm probably rambling at this point because who needs sleep anyway
but hopefully I've made sense...and I did enjoy this. Keep it up!
2627876
Thanks a lot for your comment! To be truthful, I didn't even think about the whole "Mane 6" thing, but now that you brought it up, that makes total sense. I'll be sure to keep that (and the spacing) in mind as I continue on my next piece!! I'm also really glad you enjoyed it!!
I think I owe lizziebax something special for making my cover art. First of all, I really love it, but it also brought in many new readers!!
I really liked this story. I don't normally read a lot of MLP:FIM fanfiction, but the cover art grabbed my attention. I definitely feel that you took the correct tone in approaching the subject matter. I wasn't looking for tears to be jerked; I was looking simply for poignancy.
It's important that you kept the characters in-character, or I wouldn't have enjoyed it so much as a MLP fanfic. Particularly Discord. It was important that he was there, and acted as his mischievous old self at intervals, to serve as Fluttershy's foil - In the sense that he is an immortal who has come to terms with the implications of immortality, while Fluttershy is apparently unable to do so. But it's so key that he understands and is willing to do the deed as the most difficult of favors. This is why I strongly disagree with another comment suggesting that you change the ending. I think you got the ending entirely right, and the alternate suggested below would not only have killed the character-foil setup, but it would have erased the note of hope and relief that you built into Fluttershy's release. Death/loss and people being grim about it is not interesting. Death at the end of a long and full life, and showing that others can come to terms with it through understanding the relief it has brought the sufferer, is a theme more worth exploring in my opinion.
I also found the usage of "Mane 6" to be jarring; as a fandom term it doesn't really belong in the in-world narrative.
My only criticism of the story itself is that you didn't really address the world-weary Fluttershy's present relationship with Twilight Sparkle at the time she chooses to leave the world. I like that you included the flashback (It's good that she interacts with more than one other character in the story), but without tying Twilight Sparkle back in later, it did almost feel like simple factual background setup. While I would be interested to know how Twilight Sparkle feels about her similar life at the time your story is set, I would be more interested still to know why Fluttershy (presumably) finds immortality more difficult to cope with, in contrast to Twilight. Does she regret the decision she made years ago? Is she different from Twilight at her core? Also, when Fluttershy chooses to leave the world and rejoin her friends of years past, is she leaving behind a good friend in Twilight Sparkle? I think you were trying to convey that she was weary of everything worldly, but did that include her counterpart? I would feel better knowing that Fluttershy found peace with truly no regrets about what she is leaving behind, and I can't help wondering about Twilight. I'd even like to see a tiny bit more confirmation that (even if she cares for him) she is also unwilling to suffer through the world for what Discord can offer her in it. Since they interacted (and hinted at past interactions) I ultimately found their parting satisfactory. But just a little something more (a deeper decision to part, a visible longing for one or two things still in the world - but having that longing ultimately outweighed) could've added to the punch.
Nice work - I love stories that keep in-character and address themes that the show itself isn't willing to delve into. This is a strong & memorable vignette for me, and I'll also be treasuring the art you commissioned for it, because I love that too!
2630202
Thank you so so much for the comment! I'm glad to see you enjoyed it! Also, I really appreciate the criticism you gave. I did struggle a lot on how often to include Twilight and in what ways, but my decision ended up being the leave her in mystery, almost as if they isolated themselves even from each other. However, that nagging feeling does get to me, too. The idea of how Twilight weighs in on this decision. If Fluttershy is alone in her struggle or if Twilight is struggling with her. Etc. So, I totally do see where you're coming from, and I'll definitely keep that in mind. I'm apprehensive about doing any rewriting, because after doing so several days ago, I got comments telling me to not, but at the very least, I'm taking your words to heart for my next work.
Thanks again!! You've really helped me out.
I'm dumb, I don't understand what happened.
2651460
I don't know exactly what part may have been unclear, so I'll go ahead and give a quick overview of the whole story.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I was worried that the story may not be clear enough
This story is set in Equestria many centuries into the future. In this future, Twilight gave Fluttershy the "gift" of becoming an Alicorn (thus, in this case, eternal life as well). The story then takes this scenario and follows the tired idea of "immortality is sad," showing a Fluttershy tormented by loss over the years. The end has her getting Discord to cast a powerful spell that makes Fluttershy feel she is back home with all her friends from long ago, before she took the life of a princess. But, at the very least, all of what she experiences is only in her head, as she still sits in her throne room.
Oh. This is so good and so heartbreaking at the same time.
All my feels!
Who made the picture?