D-APE
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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looking interesting!
I'll follow this
Mmmmm, more space age stuff. Please continue!
Me gusta.
I'll be awaiting your next update
One quick question is it only going to be a guy/ guys with Twilight or are we going to get some mare on woman action?
2578380 Zane is going to play a big part in the story.
And that title is how you get people like me to read your story.
Nexh chap soon please
This obviously won't lead to raep.Oh, this isn't a straight up fuck fic. Sorry, that's what I was expecting, and that description didn't help.
I wasn't comin in for an actual storytelling, but I've already gone through all of this first chapter. Let's see what else comes next then. This isn't my cup of tea, space pony storys, but it isn't bad. I'll stick around.
for writing a rather interesting, and funny, story, you receive a seal of approval
1.bp.blogspot.com/-GRBsxxiErbo/T0UqvL-BARI/AAAAAAAAAGM/LyyYNCmC2Wk/s760/569__seal-of-approval.jpg
oh, what's that? you want a real one? sorry, shipping you a live seal would cost far too much, more than the lord is willing to pay anyway
In one place, you wrote must of when you meant must have.
is this an oc starship or one we might know?.....
glad to see that this isn't just another clop fic!
Dare I venture into this...?
...
...
...Yeeees.
Comment soon to follow, standby...
Aaaaaaaand favorite.
That description pulled me in like a kelpie.
Ah, what the hell. I'll favorite and see where this goes.
Hmmm, sensing potential for hilarity. Tracking.
How could I resist a description like that? Okay, you got me. I'll come along for the ride.
2579392 The alternate universe and the characters in it (besides Twilight) are all products of my imagination.
lololol, Twilight is confused
well sign me up for this banwagon ride. looks like fun
No editing, eh? Please tell me if you think I have any errors in the following corrections:
>It gave the impression that there was nothing between the occupant of the room, and the hyperspace vortex
Delete the comma
>Before the captain, a small black orb hovered in the air, and projected a
Delete the second comma
>it went to all the right places, like her curvy hips, and large g-cup breasts
Delete the second comma
>a massive agricultural ship, with greenhouses, and livestock farms
Delete the second comma
>then undid her bra, and dropped it on the floor
Delete the comma
>They looked like they belonged in an art museum, Kal felt like he could stare at them for hours.
Change the comma to a period
>how much do you like you’re teeth?
Change "you're" to "your"
>Well, if Garo doesn’t help you. You could always come over to
Change the period to a comma
>You could always come over to the Eclipse, and teach me a lesson in person, maybe we could wrestle out our problems, you don’t even need to put on your clothes.
Delete the first comma and change the second comma to a period
>physical contact between N.H.C. employees is forbidden
You put "N.H.C." here, but in two other places, you put "NHC". This is inconsistent.
>Suddenly, the words, FOREIGN CONTAMINANT DETECTED IN ENGINEERING, hovered before Kal, followed by an alarm.
I suggest changing this sentence like this:
>Suddenly, the words FOREIGN CONTAMINANT DETECTED IN ENGINEERING hovered before Kal, followed by an alarm.
>You better take care of that
I suggest one of the following:
>You had better take care of that
>You should take care of that
>Angel, What’s going on?
Change the capital W to a lowercase w
>What is the foreign contaminant?
In my opinion, "What's" sounds more natural than "What is" here
>Organic, you sure?
I suggest something like this:
>Organic? Are you sure?
>The energy it emitted disrupted cameras, as well as many other electronic devices
Rewording suggestion:
>The energy it emitted disrupted many electronic devices, including cameras
Either one should be fine, this is just a thought I had
>Kal wondered if one of the crew went into engineering without his permission, but he couldn’t think of anyone that wasn’t in cryosleep, stupid enough to do that
Rewording suggestion:
>Kal wondered if one of the crew had gone into engineering without his permission, but he couldn’t think of anyone stupid enough to do that who wasn’t in cryosleep
>It would mean their career to be in the presence of a hyperspace drive while it was active
Assuming I understand your meaning correctly, try adding a word:
>It would mean losing their career to be in the presence of a hyperspace drive while it was active
>where he got on an awaiting tram, and selected engineering from a console. Then the tram took off down the rails at blinding speed.
Rewording suggestion:
>where he got on an awaiting tram. He selected engineering from a console, and the tram took off down the rails at blinding speed.
Although I understand what you mean, "blinding speed" does not make very much sense to me
>“The fuck’s going on, captain?” Said Chen Hao the head of the Eclipse’s security over Kal’s personal com channel
Change "Said" to "Asked". Also, there should be a comma between "Hao" and "the".
>The only light source was from the core itself, an eerie blue glow that illuminated the enormous room, of which had to be enormous to hold the massive sphere shaped energy core that powered the entire starship as well as the HS drive, which used massive amounts of energy to rip open wormholes in spacetime
This sentence is too long and sounds weird
>All that stood between the two men, and over a million degrees, was an immensely powerful energy shield, which was ironically powered by the core itself, of which, sat in a gigantic metal cradle that would melt instantly if the energy shield ever went down
Delete the first two commas. A small suggestion:
>All that stood between the two men and over a million degrees was an immensely powerful energy shield, which was, ironically, powered by the core itself, which sat in a gigantic metal cradle that would melt instantly if the energy shield ever went down
This might sound better if you split it into two sentences
>he activated the optic nanites in his eyes, allowing him to see infrared
I suggest changing this to say "infrared light" instead of just "infrared"
>had it’s rear to him
Change "it's" to "its"
>From behind it looked like a
Add a between "behind" and "it"
>Except this one, was much shorter than a typical horse
Rewording suggestion:
>This one, however, was much shorter than a typical horse
>Sneaking an animal onto the ship, and getting it into engineering, was a whole new level of idiocy
Delete both commas
>like humans, achi, and animals
>implying that humans are not animals
>it would destroy neurons and brain cells
Neurons are cells in the brain, therefore they are brain cells. I suggest adding "other" before "brain".
>Fortunately, it seemed like the HS drive was shut down before the horse creature experienced one of those harmful bursts
Rewording suggestion:
>Fortunately, the HS drive appeared to have been shut down before the horse creature experienced one of those harmful bursts
>placed a hand on it’s flank
Change "it's" to "its"
>The tiny horse spun around, then backed itself into a corner saying a few more words in an alien language, she sounded terrified
Add a comma between "corner" and "saying". Also, you might want to change the last comma to a period.
>Kal in return, just stared at her with dumbfounded awe
Add a comma between "Kal" and "in"
>Her face did not look like a horse’s, she had an eerily human like expression
Change the first comma to a period and change "human like" to "human-like".
>finally processed the reality the situation
Add "of" between "reality" and "the"
>began inching it’s way towards him
Change "it's" to "its"
>zapped the talking horse creature with eight million volts of electricity
The "eight million volts" thing is not necessary. Perhaps change it to a description of his weapon (zapped the talking horse creature with his super uber awesome taser stun wand).
>It’s adorable too
Add a comma between "adorable" and "too"
>So much so, that the humans that discovered it, took it back on their ship to domesticate. Then it slaughtered half the crew in their sleep.
Suggested change:
>So much so that the humans who discovered it took it back on their ship to domesticate it. Then it slaughtered half of the crew in their sleep.
>of which, rippled as a slight breeze blew by
Delete "of" and the comma
>one of them was covered by a puffy white cloud
Delete "was"
>how much her pink slit looked like a humans
Change "humans" to "human's"
>the air was sucked from his lungs, as a purple hued
Delete the comma and change "purple hued" to "purple-hued"
>as if he was a child's plaything
Change "was" to "were"
>knocking over a tray of medical supplies, and damaging the display screen
Delete the comma
>Chen jumped out of bed, grabbed his plasma pistol and aimed it at her head
Add a comma between "pistol" and "and"
>Kal exclaimed as he got to his feet
I suggest changing "exclaimed" to something like "shouted"
>of which Hao likely spent contemplating his next move
This wording sounds really weird
>He sat back down on the bed, with the gun across his lap
Delete the comma
>now that we got our violence for the day out of the way. Let’s start over with introductions
Change the period to a comma
>Is that really your name or are you just fucking with us?
I suggest adding a comma between "name" and "or"
>carry out a finite set of arithmetic or logical operation
Change "operation" to "operations"
>Let’s save your questions about our technology for latter
Change "latter" to "later"
>I’ve got a question for you
I suggest changing "I've got" to "I have"
>Not even humans had discovered how to teleport yet, how could this primitive pony, that didn’t know what a computer was, do it.
Change the first comma to a period, change "that" to "who", and change the period at the end to a question mark
>“Do you guys think you could drop me off at port in Equestria.”
Change the period to a question mark
>she fainted from having a mind blowing revelation
Change "mind blowing" to "mind-blowing"
Seems like it would be a waste of decent writing for this to devolve into clop, but whatever. Other than needing some serious editing it's not bad.
2584401
I'll fix the mistakes tonight. I appreciate you taking the time to point out my mistakes. I had no idea there was so many. I guess my grammar isn't as good as I thought it was. Likely because I have yet to take any literature classes beyond high school. What I know about writing I learned mostly on my own.
2584495
A lot of great books have sex in them, Game of Thrones for example. Perhaps they're not as descriptive as my stories might be, but is it really all that different?
2585202
2585387 The mistakes you pointed out have been fixed.
2585882 Danke
2585202
The description kind of implies that the sex is the focus, which normally means the rest of the plot is likely an excuse for the sex. If there's an actual story that just happens to have sex in it then maybe consider changing the description to hint at it.
Also, ponyxhuman is eww, but whatever, that's just my opinion.
And unless this is going to be consistently comedic (as in, more than just the occasional witty line) I'd remove the comedy tag. The comedy tag on fimfiction typically means humor is one of the main focuses of the story.
2585202
College writing courses don't teach much grammar, in my experience; they mostly seem like an excuse to do lots of writing exercises. Don't worry about bunches of mistakes; even pros use editors, and typically the number of mistakes can only be lessened through experience and another pair of eyes.
2586254 Yes, the main focal point of this story is sex. Maybe I got a little caught up in world building, but is that really a bad thing?
2586328
It's never a bad thing. I'm not saying anything about this is bad.
There's just so little decent science fiction on fimfiction (not exactly shocking considering mlp is a fantasy setting), that it's a bit disappointing to find a science fiction story that's off to a nice start when you know it's going to be about getting Twilight in as many beds with humans as possible, which I personally am not interested in.
2586362 Sorry to disappoint you.
2586328
You set it up to be a particularly interesting story that, other than a few moments where the captain's being a pervert, is more tuned to be an epic journey of first contact between humanity and a race with natural Psi abilities with extremely advanced energy absorption and manipulation abilities, quite possibly partially made of certain extremely powerful energies. My advice would be to run with it and add sex as the openings arrive. Some horny thoughts, a naive Twilight Sparkle, and lots of science overwhelming her might be able to twist both themes into each other. You're going to have to be very patient with it though.
The alternative is getting rid of most of the external world inclusion. Basically, don't focus on the people too much and avoid bringing the outside world into the story as much as possible. Focus on Twilight Sparkle magically appearing on a space ship and soon finding out she's the only thing with a pussy within the next few weeks travel and, through whatever means, conveniently needing to get plowed long and hard before being overcome by hormonal torture whether it was caused naturally, accidentally, or through "morally questionable" actions. Don't knock her out unless it leads to sex or desire for sex. Don't explain the world, interrupt any natural explanations or infuse them with situations in which sex/arousal is somehow related. Basically, with a description like that, someone/something should be balls deep in pony by the middle of the first chapter.
That would be wasteful of the honestly amazing introduction you've thrown out here though so I'd advise looking into making the first one work. Grab a few prereaders/editors (I'd be willing to help if you don't have anyone in mind). They'll help you break through awkward situations and help stop you from writing yourself into a corner sometimes. I'm sure you could just ask around or go group hunting if you need. I'll be up all night working graveyard security on a car lot so I'll try to figure out some internet access for my laptop if you need anything for the next few hours. Just keep in mind I'll be out and about every half hour or so.
I agree with the people who say that that it is disappointing to have such a good start if its only purpose is a bit of sex
2586362
Not to berate you or anyrhing, but what did you expect on seeing a story titled 'horny in hyper space'?
That being said, look up the story 'youll never guess what happens to equestria!' for a good sci fi fic, sounds exactly like what you are after.
This story meanwhile, imma just go ahead and favourite, track and await more of, it certainly has my attention, certainly lots of imagination here!
Interesting... I'd like to see where this is going.
I lost it when Chen suddenly zapped Twilight
and I don't know why but I have imagined him as this guy:
userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/83275319/Senor+Chang+seorchangphoto.png
Please continue
2587433
>balls deep In pony
Lol I fuckken lost it.
I like this fic, please continue.
Yes I am interested to see how this turns out.
If you're wondering why I changed the cover-art -
My original cover-art was used without the permission of the artist, and he was none to happy about it. I guess I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I was mistaken. I realize now that was wrong of me, and I sincerely apologized to the artist.
this could get really good
This looks cool..
I admit, my fic is having a bit of an identity crisis, alternating between actual story and clop. Due to popular demand, I've decided to make this story a short but sweet prequel to a much longer, true science/fantasy fiction with a focus on plot and not so much on sex.
Also, the next chapter is half way done. Expect it sometime in the next couple weeks.
LIL PONEE PUSSEE HONK PLONK
huhu these pathethic blueball human basterds
Now THIS is a story. Man, you people are so good at what you do. I come in expecting a quick clop but OH HEY THERE'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD STORY HERE NOW I WANNA READ IT GOD DAMMIT.
And this all came from your imagination, you say?? Fucking FANTASTIC. I wish I was half as creative as you people. I love all the emphasis on technology you have here. It's a believable progression of the human race! Spaceships, hyperspace cores, humans that have been upgraded with optical implants and synthetic brains, cryosleep, plasma weaponry, nanites, holograms...holy crap man. You could make a whole new universe with this shit. Y'know, other than the fact that we all came for sex lol. But seriously, I really appreciate the effort you've put into building such a creative universe. I hope we learn at some point what the purpose of the flotilla is.
My take on this? Go for the story, man! You've gone too far to just throw this all away! The whole sex thing can still be a major focus of the story, but don't just chuck all this gooood stuff out the window.
Came for the comedy. Stayed for the world-building.
2623854 Ich liebe dich
Get ready Twi, they're coming for you! Both literally and figuratively, it would seem... good stuff!
Oh cool! This updated! TIME TO REAAAAAAAD.
~Skeeter The Lurker