- Member Since 30th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen April 10th
wille179
I write stories so that I won't be kept awake at night with a brain full of ponies.
wille179
Joined 30th Apr, 2013 ·
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This is a intrensting story. Please continue it.
continue or become the fear of a space marine....nothing.
good story
CHANGELING!!!
Good Chapter, let's see how it goes on
This gona be good.
It's a better start than most. The pacing is a little too fast and some more details could greatly help. Having more detailed reactions on how he transforms will help the reader understand the character's powers more. He also shouldn't be able to use his abilities on command in the first chapter. Last thing, don't make the character too adapted to this new environment. He should have to struggle to survive and not just magically know how to kill and prepare a cockatrice after a few hours of hunger.
Proof read this a few times.
He's becoming a Gary Stu.
2566878
Ouch!
Yeah, don't want that. I'll try to keep him under control.
wait...so fluttershy's dad rape her?!?
and did rainbow dash and pinkie pie read cupcake???
This is good, but doesn't he seem to be taking it a little too well?
He's just all like "I'm gonna make a wish! Oh my, my wish came true, I have no idea where I am, and am now a mythical shape shifting monster!"
"..."
"Whatever."
Wait, so what if you were scared of something like wide open spaces?
Would a boggart be able to change the environment around it?
Or what if you were scared of non-existance, as in not being real or existing or whatever?
What would happen to the boggart? Would it die?
good and funny chapter
Now everyone else is taking this way too well...
Mane 6: "Ermagerd it's a scary thing! Oh lol nope you just a monster."
Boggart:"Yah I'm actually pretty nice and probably gonna be OP in the future"
*Leaves*
Rarity :"Aw, you left without saying goodbye Mr. Horrible mind reading horror. How rude."
Others: "Yeah he was. Now, lets each walk home alone and not be completely traumatized from the fact that we saw our deepest, darkest, subconscious fears in a physical form."
Also, Flutter-rape is bad, and you should feel bad.
2567241
If it was impossible, the boggart would chose the second worst fear, manifest as a representation (dementor=fear of fear), or chose a form that could cause the same fear reaction (envelop a pony and falsify their senses, like virtual reality).
Chaotic = Discord.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/33661241.jpg
HOW DARE YOU TREAT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER LIKE THAT. FILTH LIKE YOU SHOULDN’T BE ALOUD TO WALK FREE,
Made me laugh IRL.
Also, flutterrape? Wtf?
This...is probably the most creative spin on HiE I've ever read. I'm really excited to see more of this.
There's just one teensy tiny issue though...these chapters are waaaay too short. But hey, I can live with short chapters if the story's good.
2567294 Yeah... If Rook don't get some limitations STAT, he is going to be OP.
Boggart: ''Hey! I can change into anything and kick ass while doing it!''
*POOF* Boggart!Superman / Boggart!Genie / Boggart!OP appears to save the day!
On a second thought... I wouldn't mind some limited ''Boggart!Genie'' for comic release though.
I am usually not one for HiE stories, but this is a really creative idea.
I like this :3 I wanna see him screw with the Changelings
2567772
There are limits. He just hasn't found them yet.
Put him on equal footing with an average changeling. Different, but comparable.
I am really enjoying this story I can't wait for the next chapter. One question what was Celestia's greatest fear?
You need to write more of this, because the whole neck-breaking thing was pure genius!
ALL MY YES!!!
A bit fast paced, yes, and you don't really give your protagonist much personality. He's more of a narrator of events, a marker you follow to know where the story has gone. Proposed, you also might want to put some stricter limits on his abilities. If he can turn into anything he wishes, with whatever tools and powers he desires, it's a tad much. Boggarts didn't go around ruling the world in Harry Potter, after all...
Fluttershy being a rape victim--- way too much. dude.
rein it IN.
He's a bit overly verbose for a teenager. Simplify it. Have him say it the way you would talk.
No, her fears would not make the boggart actually harm her. A boggart is like a nightmare-- it only threatens and looks dangerous. But considering the nature of fears, that's more than enough.
Your protagonist should be hella disoriented too. In another world, with fictional creatures, and trapped in a body out of control.
2569113 Do you really what to know?
2568756
makes you wonder what Chrysalis is afraid of...
2569113 Could it perhaps be the sun going super nova? *shudder*
Wow, that was...hilarious, actually. That whole confrontation scene was so absurd, if I didn't know better I would have thought that it was satirical.
Damn, he's straightforward!
Okay, yeah, just so you know, the whole "rape" thing isn't a card to be used so lightly. If you want something to be taken seriously, you gotta let it build up and let the readers invest in what's going on. If you just throw it out there like that, it suddenly becomes Black Comedy.
2568953
Yes, an average changeling. That can turn into a truck. And read not just feelings, but the mind itself. And eats souls. Etc.
I hope that whatever limitations he has comes soon, and comes hard (hee hee
), because there's really nothing that can stand in his way otherwise.
2569690
Wait, do you mean Black comedy as in morbid humor, or as in stereotypical racist humor?
Because both of those make sense in that context.
2569857
Morbid humor.
this is the best fic ever
Is there a chance of hI'm facing Discord?
I'd like to see that fight!
2569113 hello
2570102 it would be over in two seconds with Discords fear lol
Well, there went all the conflict.
Edit: well I could be mistaken but. Well, there goes the Obvious source of conflict. Good luck with the rest of the story.
I felt the resolution was a bit rushed. They were a little to easy to forgive and not quick enough to question Rooks answers. Plus it felt anticlimactic to have him scamper off after the whole thing.
Also Celestia's scene felt wasted. You could have exposited more on what she fears, and even then, her showing up just for that scene felt... well wrong. Hi Im here, oh you have fear, okay bye now. Again rushed.
One good thing however was each of the characters own individual fears, but even then I can't help feeling that there could be more to it.
I think it would be best if you started elaborating on Rooks behavior and motivation. Furthermore the whole solution felt sort of bad. Not that using the elements was bad, but you could have filled chapters of content on him trying to communicate with ponies and failing. Only to have the instinct take over. Then many chapters later when the whole town is scared and angry about this spooky monster, Twilight and her friends get the elements and have a climatic showdown. Resulting in the deletion of the 'defense mechanism'
So how does this story begin
Some kid lying on top of a hill at 2 am on a school night to wish upon a star before suddenly getting powers and thrust into Equestria.
Wow didn't take that long for me to lose interest in this story, but fuck it can't get worse.
Okay so he's a boggart now, I'll definitely say that this is an original idea and could become something fun and interesting. However from what I have seen so far of how this is written my hopes aren't soaring with the eagles.
I will blame this on the ignorance of the character and move on, not sure how he made that connection since the Boggart in the movie was never shown in pain from laughter.
For a kid that we know absolutely nothing about he sure does have a weird set of skills for someone still in high school. Does he always find random creatures that he has no idea about and decide to kill, gut, cook and eat them? Then again this should have all changed since he is a boggart now and doesn't need to eat since a boggart is a non-being
Also Boggarts when shape shifting into other creatures and using their abilities they are extremely weakened. I doubt a Boggart as a fire djinn could light a match let alone super heat a rock to cook food. But then again its mighty convenient that this boy can even use these shape shifting abilities at ease. What? Was he given a tutorial?
What's with the forward slash? '/' This is not needed.
Oh well that's quite interesting, so I guess Zecora and Applebloom aren't in danger?
Threw that idea out the window fast huh? If this boy turned boggart was to just scare them, why did it attack? The whole idea behind a boggart is to be a creature that is supposed to just scare you, even if it did attack it would be piss weak. All a boggart can do is scare you, they can barely attack and half the time its just because you are in their home. Hell why all of a sudden does he not have control of his body? He seemed pretty fine controlling it before.
Okay so now he's trapped in a barn and crying to himself about him being a monster. Well took him long enough to start showing some emotion. Guess we wait for him to meet some ponies.
One Big Mac scare later and we're off to get the main six and the elements hurrah!
Character Scares Rating
5 = good 1 = bad
Twilight
Scare: Celestia saying how disappointed she is
Rating : 3.5 Stays with the character but stolen from the show, average score
Fluttershy
Scare: Rapist dad
Rating: ...THE FUCK?
Rarity
Scare: Sweetie Bell suicide
Rating: 4 Creative and believable if an unnecessary type of darkness
Rainbow Dash / Pinkie Pie
Scare: Cupcakes Reference
Rating: - 5 About as unoriginal as they come with references
The Twilight scare is fine, its straight from the show so I can't argue with that.
But that Fluttershy rape thing was just out of bloody no where. Like a deer getting hit by a car!
i.imgur.com/0bS17.gif
She is the most easily scared of the main six, you could come up with thousands of things that could scare her but that 'daddy' thing was both stupidly presented and wasn't needed at all.
Rarity was okay it's something that I can kinda see but is still off in the way it is presented. Why was there even a note, just seeing her sister dead is enough.
Also the cupcakes reference has been done to death, brought back to life and killed again so show some originality with this original concept. Lastly slow the story down, describe some stuff and give some time to develop this character your making, so far he's becoming a Gary Stu and a really unlikeable one at that.
So he now is shot with the Elements and is free? hurrah? Okay so lets ignore the obvious deus ex machina of the elements and push forward with buckets in hand.
Oh good I was worried that this person would gain some character and be conflicted about no longer being human. NOPE just "Hello I'm a Boggart!"
He had a plan? Sorry but if he had a plan why didn't this plan get shared with the readers? So far I know nothing of this character except that he is a male human brony that can kill and eat a cockatrice.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/oh-look-at-the-time-im-a-fucking-bird.jpg
Yes lets have the creature that traumatised us at least say goodbye.
And then it's wrapped up with Rook going through the town as a disfigured pony.
This story was a painful read, the pacing is terrible and too fast with an unlikeable character that we know nothing about that has on and off powers and a forced dark atmosphere. You earned this downvote and aside form completely rewriting this story I cant see how to fix it.
2570287 There's a difference between constructive criticism and outright being a dick.
2570323
Did I insult him personally? No I criticised his writing and story, if he can't accept that then no skin off my back. In the words of Yahtzee Croshaw “The cruelest thing you can do to an artist is tell them their work is flawless when it isn't”
It shouldnt matter how I word it, I told the truth about his character, writing and how distasteful it is.
2570348 I'm not saying you should tell wille179 that his work is perfect, I'm saying you should be a little nicer about how you voice your complaints. You're right in that it shouldn't matter how you word it, but it does. In the written word, which words you choose and how you arrange them could mean the difference between sounding like Twilight and Trixie.
I just thought you were being rather harsh on him is all, if you can't accept that then it's no skin off my back.