First Lieutenant John "Aquila" Killinger was on a less than routine patrol flight, when he was somehow teleported to a different planet. Little does he know, he is the last hope for the inhabitants of this strange world.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You're off to a good start and I look forward to the next chapter. Just remember you don't need to rush chapters. People would rather wait longer, than get one sooner that is full of grammar and spelling errors.
2560811
agreed and the chapters are better when they aren't rushed i was going to say something else what was it..................oh well i well say it later oh well.
edit
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i remembered does his plane still work and if not how bad condition is it.
2560811 Awesome, I'm glad you like it. Hmm, I thought I fixed that number thing. Oh well, thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'm trying my best not to rush them, and I SHOULD get better at it as the story progresses, I just need to get a good schedule down. I might go back and rewrite some parts later on, to fill out the chapters a bit more. We'll see how things go first. Anyways, thanks for the feedback! It is very much appreciated.
2562095 The following chapters should be better in the 'not being rushed' department. I'm not quite used to writing things like this, and it didn't help when my English professor had me cut out all the filler in my academic papers.
As for the aircraft... You'll just have to wait and see!
*sigh* This is... Let me just tell you what is wrong with the second chapter.
An A10C Is very hard to crash land, I could go into exactly why, but that would take forever, I'll just sum it up: It's very clunky, and slow. Meaning, he would have a hard time crash landing it and living, especially crashing while unconscious with no control.
The protagonist also uses civilian speech, apposed to military speech, which wouldn't happen so quickly. I know people who still use military terms even after being out of the military for a long time.
And, there is alto of culture shock after getting out of the military. Every civilian seems disgusting, they chew while walking, and talk while walking. That is just a few of things that people just getting out of the military experience.
Story Conclusion?
Do your fucking research. Again.
2563424 unless you have some skewed sense of logic, you black out in a cockpit, you're likely leaning forward on the stick when you return-to
2564164 Meaning you would crash into the ground head on... Plus you would probably go into a spin from diving so fast, and hard.
2564388 yep
You really need to show us, not just tell us. because right now your kind of setting a tone that says "These moments will be glossed over in favor of moving the plot ahead" Twi's and John's meeting is an important point to your story, what Twi asked, how John answered (her important questions not all of them) her, and how she reacted to those answers is important. Did John bullshit his way through the Q&A like he was a POW? Or could he not be bothered to give a fuck? Did Twi take his answers at face value or with suspicion? This tells us how you see these characters. E.G: If She took them at face value then that would tell us that your Twi is very trusting or naïve.
...
The dialog is very... utilitarian. It has it's use and is good at keeping the plot moving, but... not much else. Don't get me wrong, that can work. I mean, look at James Cameron. And I'll take it over cheesy, cliché any day. But it will lack "depth".
I am enjoying it, all things considered.
This story needs a lot of work.
2563389 I'm usually pretty good about grammar, I'll re-read everything to see if I missed anything after I re-read it the first time.
I will probably change the miles into kilometers at some point, but it slipped my mind at the time I wrote that chapter.
Contrary to what you may think, I have been doing research (off and on) for the past 6 or so YEARS. I just need to work on my writing skills, not to mention, I wrote both chapters in the span of about 24 hours with minimal sleep.
2565427 I agree.
2563424 From this comment, would it be safe to assume that you have played DCS: A-10C before? Because I do too. So, if that simulator has a good representation of the flight characteristics of the aircraft, then I am VERY familiar with how the aircraft flies. (Which is part of the reason I chose it in the first place)
Also, many factors would have a hand in the ability to safely crash land ANY aircraft, such as trim, damage to the airframe, speed at which the aircraft is traveling, the ability of the pilot to act rationally under stress, weather, landing zone, any ordinance the aircraft is carrying, shape/size/weight of the aircraft, and also (a biggie) whether or not the pilot is conscious or not. In this case, he was not. Just call it luck. It's a story, with magical, talking, technicolor ponies.... I'll leave it at that.
Maybe the protagonist talks like a civvie because I'm a civvie, and I'm writing the story? I haven't used military vocabulary for at least a year, so give me some time to re-adjust. I'll get better.
Hmmm.... something to look into, although none of the other military-esque HiE stories I've read on this site have breached the topic of 'adjusting to culture shock', and if they have then it was very brief. Still might look into it. And I'm not doubting the validity of that statement.
Again, researched quite thoroughly, I just might not be verbalizing? any of it the way you want me to.
2564845 Oops, thought I fixed that. I had re-written bits of the prologue and I guess I missed that bit when I was looking through it.
Yeah... I'm feeling a re-write coming on... Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. All this feedback has really given me some ideas on how to fix things.
I'm gonna have to disagree there. I think I need to spend a little more time with James. To me, it just doesn't feel like James and John are as close as they really are. And for the record, I DO plan on bringing him back at some point
Yeah, might put together a glossary of terms. That would certainly make it easier than having to explain things in the middle of the story. Maybe a disclaimer along the lines of 'If you don't know what something is, Google it'.
2565038 I ran into a stint of writers block during that part. It took me about 2 hours to write that segment. Definitely doing a rewrite.
Part of the issue I have with dialogue is that I've never written it before, as there's no need for it in academic papers. Which is also why everything is so 'bland'; academic papers are very cut-and-dried and have no need for all those juicy tidbits of information that I know y'all love so much. Trust me though, I'll only get better with practice... and these first two attempts have been very good practice.
2564388 That would depend on the altitude of the aircraft. The higher the aircraft, the worse the crash would be.
2569993 Still, like I posted earlier, he would still crash, plus, the lower you are to the ground, the more resistance the wind gives. The ground makes the air harder to fly through, don't ask me why, I don't know why. Around 100m is where is starts happening. And the lowest a A10C flys, is around 150m(ish) So, by the time he gets to 100m, he would already be nosediving straight down, his plane would spin out from the fast motion, and he would die. any head on collision from 100mph in an A10C would result in immediate death. But 100mph (80, IF the wind is in your favor) is where the the a10C starts stalling, meaning that he would be stalling, and spinning, which would kill him once hitting the ground.
In conclusion, could you fix that, please?
2569930 I like that you accept criticism, it's nice to find a writer who does. anywho, yes. I do play that game... I also have done hours of research, going to get my pilots license here soon, and, a family friend actually flew an A10C when he was still in the military, I have learned from him aswell. I've devoted time and money to learning how to fly an A10C, and, really all military aviation... I have several flight sticks just for different flight sims, with different planes, most of which being hundreds of dollars for one flightstick.
I've literally devoted my whole life to flying military aviation vehicles, so sorry if I'm a little nit picky about this kind of stuff.
And yes, culture shock does happen. Imagine going from a military structure, were there is so many strict rules, to doing whatever you want, whenever.
*psst* I'm pretty sure the reason that other military HiE's don't have culture shock, is because alot of them are bad, people think that when you join the military you are "Badass" And they never get the real emotion behind why you do it, and why it will stick with you forever.
Anywho, I haven't disliked, or liked this yet, but because you weren't an ass like most writers, I'll give it a like!
Also, sorry for being a dick to you...
2570131 Possibly due to gravitational forces? I don't really know either. I'm not disagreeing with anything, but I've left out a bunch of important details (on purpose) that will explain why the crash happened the way it did. So, I'm not necessarily going to fix it, but just explain things a bit more.
I accept the criticism because I want this story to be enjoyable for the reader, and that means taking the reader's opinions into account. It's a great game, and I wish you the best of luck in getting that license. I've wanted to fly since I was little, but stuff got in the way of me getting a licence, so I went with the next best thing: a kickass computer and a bunch of simulators, as well as the hardware to go with it. I'm a bit strapped for cash, so I only have two flight sticks. Recently upgraded from a Saitek X52 to an X65F. I've had the X52 for a few years now, so it's a bit beat up, but it gets the job done well enough.
Oh, usually I'd be nit picky too, but after a week of 11 hour work days and 4 hours of sleep a night, my try-hard button was a little broken. Should be fixed soon though.
Never thought about it like that before.
Meh, they weren't that bad. I liked them. However, I think that it would detract from the story a bit if the main character was depressed the whole time. Oh well. I'll still look into adding it in at some point. It may not be that extreme, but it'll be in there in some form or another.
I try not to be an ass. However, if someone is being an ass to me, then I will gladly reciprocate. Although I'm writing this for MY enjoyment (and as a way to pass the time), everyone that reads it is doing so for THEIR enjoyment. Me being me, I simply cannot lift my own wants and desires over others. Therefore, I take all feedback and criticism as a chance to fix things and make the reading more enjoyable for everyone.
I didn't think you were being a dick. I thought of it more along the lines of being 'more verbose than others about a certain topic of interest'. Plus, I have thick skin to begin with (comes with being a Brony). If I wanted to get chewed out by a bunch of dicks, I wouldn't be here... I'd be in the comments on YouTube
Also, sorry for being a dick to you...
2571054 They don't need to be depressed all the time, but they should be depressed when things remind them of... Lets say, a friend dieing.
Also, you weren't a dick, don't worry.
2572279 True... Wow, talking to you has really got the wheels in my head turning. Got lots of new stuff to play around with
Haha, whoops, meant to take that out. That was actually part of your comment. Since your comment was all the way at the top of the list, and the reply box is at the bottom, I copied the comment into the box so I could read it whilst replying. As I went down the list, I deleted the parts that I had responded to. I guess I missed one , sorry 'bout that.
Good to know though.
2572512 Good, I hope I was of help than! :D
And, that makes sense, I actually do that sometimes, otherwise I miss what people say in their comments
Rewrite complete!
I hope y'all like it!
DID SOMEONE SAY STEEL RAIN
DUDE....
Great job with the re-write.
If the next one is like these last two are you will get my upvote.
Good job.
You should stop usibg capital letters and instead use italics.
...he? "He" was a "thing" in the previous sentence. EDIT: Didn't notice, but it starts even earlier.
Could be better, but I like it so far.
screw you too celestia
no he don't bitch