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zAnk

Joined April 2013
21 followers

Stories (2)

  • Shot down
    F-15 Pilot is shot down during a dogfight

    13,152 words · 1,474 views · 87 likes · 11 dislikes
  • This strange world
    A boy alone in his terrible world, discovers the one thing he had hoped for, but in another way.
    3,333 words · 465 views · 29 likes · 11 dislikes

Blog Posts (4)

86
1,474


During a dogfight that takes place above the sea, an F-15 pilot is shot down causing him to plummet towards the ocean, but what happens when his plane crashes in a small field surrounded by a forest?

*Warning: Cursing, minor gore.*

*This is my first story, but feel free to point out anything that bothers you.*

*Multiple POV*

*Didn't go so well when I first released this but thanks to everyone's tips and criticism, the story is going much better now, thank you everyone!*

My little pony belongs to Lauren Faust and Hasbro, the rights to the music used belong to the creators.

First Published
9th May 2013
Last Modified
10th Aug 2013

Comments ( 86 )

#1 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 16h ago · · ·

Okay if you dislike it, the least you can do is tell me what you don't like instead of leaving me wondering.

#2 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 16h ago · · ·

meh not bad but not good ether i did not dislike jus in case i for one cant bring my self to hate any characters in the show i mean how can anyone? even the changeling queen is adorable..this story.....not bad you coulda waited a little longer for the first contact bit makes the reader anxius to see the reactions of the ponys and such. it has potential ima watch

#3 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 16h ago · · ·

More please

#4 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 16h ago · · ·

>>2551209 Thanks, while writing I felt like I had a long chapter going, but once I was done I realized how short it was. :rainbowlaugh: Same with the second chapter, the third chapter will be longer and hopefully I can get it into more detail. I had been thinking for about a month about a situation where a pilot was shot down but crashed in the forest so I was just extremely anxious to finally begin writing the story so I ended up rushing a bit.

#5 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 15h ago · 2 · ·

>>2551140 Okay then. Since no one bothered to tell you their problems with the story, I'll tell you mine.

During a dogfight that takes place above the sea, an F-15 pilot is shot down causing him to plummet towards the ocean, but what happens when his plane crashes in a small field surrounded by a forest?

Okay then, chap. I don't have a problem with the description.

Edit: Except the part where you didn't tell us why there were dogfight in the sky.

Your name is Anon and you are 23, a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force. Your Mother passed on because of a fatal car accident along with your father, it was on your birthday and they left to bring you your present, but never returned. You have two sisters, whom never liked you. You were turning 18 the day your parents passed, so when you found out, you joined the Air Force. After all the training, you managed to deal with the fact your parents passed. Now today, everything is going to change

Although this one, I do have. I don't really like second person fictions. That's just my opinion; I don't know if it affects others.

And addressing the readers as Anon is a big, red flag for the others. We have different names, and simply addressing us as Anon is not amusing.

If I were you, tend to avoid making others address the protagonist by Anon, as much as possible.

Next paragraph, and the first thing I saw was Scout, giving me the come hither look.

I don't know what to say about Youtube videos in the chapter itself. But it does affect me, and the flow of the story.

*BOOM* "EVERYONE TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS, I REPEAT EVERY TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"

*BOOM* *RUMBLE*

"OH SHI-" *BOOM*

"GO GO GO!"

To be honest, a simple exclamation point is enough to express the speakers in the dialogues above..

As you're running out of the barracks to your hanger all you can hear is yelling, explosions, thunder, guns, and rain.

And if I were really the one in this story, I would prefer to cower inside of the barracks, because I'm not the soldier type.

That's another reason why second person fictions aren't really that popular. It's because there is a time when if the reader was really to be the one in your story, he/she might do something different from how you narrate it.

You're still wearing your Military uniform, black boots, green camo pants with a white short sleeve shirt and a camo button up shirt on top, your sleeves are rolled up because of warm weather.

This is one long sentence. And also, I saw a comma splice on this one.

Instead of a comma before 'your sleeves', use a semi-colon, or a period.

But that's just a small error that is most likely unnoticeable.

You make it to your hanger and grab your flight helmet, you climb into your jet as fast as possible and start up your engine.

Another comma splice. Also, you seemed to be rushing; you didn't described the scene in here. You only told us what we did, and the sound that echo throughout the background.

"GET OFF THE GROUND AS SOON AS YOU CAN!" Viper, your wing man, yelled to you.

"Same to you, now get your ass in the air!" You yell back.

Yelled and yell, choose only one tense.

Soon you are in the air, ignoring the thunder storm and explosions as you take off. As soon as you are in the air, you spot two hostiles right behind you.

Again, please be more descriptive in the scene.

Next, another Youtube video; and this one is extended, if I may inform you.

Shortly after saying this you spot one of the jets explode into a cloud of black smoke.

Let's me tell you what my mind is showing me when I read the sentence, above.

I could see myself, piloting a jet without anything, or whatsoever; just a plain ol' jet, painted with white.

The skies around me are as plain as the paint of my jet. I could see some thunders in the distance.

Then, I noticed two dull jets, following my trails. The other one just exploded, miraculously.

The end.

Sorry, but, that's just my opinion.

You spot 3 hostiles in front so you lock on and fire 2 rockets all the while lining them up. You hit one and the second rocket misses but flies past and smacks the second target. You switch to Gatling guns and take out the third targets engine.

Another bland, action scene.

You could've at least made it interesting.

For example:

Three hostiles jets are in front of your vehicle, flying ahead of you with speed.

You lock on two of your missiles. And with the system notifying you that you are ready to fire, you do so.

A rocket hit an unlucky target; the enemy's engine bursting into flames.

The second one missed, but instead, hit the other one with roaring explosion.

And, that's the only thing I could think of. I'm not an author who's used to writing action fictions.

Anyways, I forgot to remind you about typing three, instead of 3. If it's too long to spell it out, then just type in the number.

"BEAT THAT, HA HA HA!" You laugh like a maniac

Yeah, I don't laugh like that, even if I'm feeling a bit too cocky.

You two continue taking down hostiles for who knows how long until...

Trying showing it, instead of telling it, hun.

"I got 7 ki-" He gets cut short when you suddenly hear an explosion then static.

Another Youtube video, with a sad music.

Sorry, I don't care about Viper, even with the music trying to set up the mood.

Viper got his nick name because he would strike his enemies down quickly and without notice, you would never see him coming, he was your best friend even before the Air Force, his real name was Drake. He was the only friend you had left in the world after your parents past, when you were six years old, he beat down and chased a bully that had punched you during recess, ever since then he was your friend. He was with you even when your parents passed, he was one of the reasons why you joined the Air Force, but now... he's gone, the last thing you cared for, gone...

he's gone, the last thing you cared for, gone...

Oh, no worries, deary. I still have my dog to care for.

"Falcon 1, return to base now!"

You hear tower call over the radio, you shut it off so you do not have to listen to anymore of that.

"Fuck that! These assholes are going down!" You say through gritted teeth.

No matter what, good or bad, a soldier must always follow his commander. Or is that what you call it.

Sorry, I don't know a thing about military.

So... I guess I said all of the things I should, even with the chapter two still uncovered.

So, I hope this makes you comfortable now.

Goodbye.

#6 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 15h ago · 1 · ·

>>2551253 Thank you for explaining this, I may go back and change quite a bit and give the character a name as well as go into more detail during everything. Like I said, my first story so I don't have any experience writing stories.

#7 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 13h ago · · ·

Not particularly related to the story, but the pilot must feel pretty bad being the only F-15 pilot to be shot down in a dogfight.

#8 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 8h ago · · ·

This  is  amazing please continue it

#9 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 8h ago · · ·

>>2551488 Ya, I'm going to go back and add more detail and possibly remove the friendship with Drake so it's mostly he is just your wingman because the whole sadness thing I attempted was pretty cheap :rainbowlaugh: I'm gonna go into more detail about other planes being shot down as well as talk more about the battle instead of just saying that he managed to kill a few planes.

#10 · Chapter 1 · 67w, 7h ago · · ·

I couldn't make it through the whole chapter. You're not showing me what happened, your just telling me what is going on inside your head. Try and paint a picture, show details to describe what is going on inside your head. And try to not jump into things and rush it, for the first chapter instead of a fight that will bring your character to Equestria, have all the characters explained and show their interractions with each other before they blow up.

We need to feel connected with them, otherwise Viper's death has no impact at all.

Connect us with the characters at the air base, even if your main character and the other character say a single line to each other. Then describe what is happening instead of just telling us what is going on, finally don't use 'anon'.

It is uncreative and not many people like it.

#11 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 7h ago · · ·

Interesting start. Not sure if I agree with the second person, but hey, it's your story. One thing I really need to address is your choice of aircraft. The F-15 was phased out years ago by the F-18. While I know the Navy replaced the F-15 with the F-18, I am fairly certain that the Air Force did the same.

#12 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 7h ago · · ·

Help with an example of your work from my previous comment,

"You shoot the window 3 times in a triangle since the window is jammed, kicking the middle of it you manage to shatter it.

(Alright lets get out of this blasted thing!) you, again, yell out in your head."

This is flawed, you didn't tell us how he found out that it was jammed and you didn't flesh out the moment (for lack of better terms). So really he just magically knew that it was jammed is all the story is telling us.

Comment posted by Jewbacca deleted at 12:18am on the 10th of May, 2013
#14 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 6h ago · · ·

Creating sadness cannot be done unless we're properly introduced to timelines and intra/interpersonal relationships. Sad music can't alleviate this, either.

Also, removing the relationship entirely but still having the situation doesn't help. Reading a book like Band of Brothers can show you the effects of war; even in aerial conflict.

Also, the lack of realism pains me. The operation of an aircraft and the dictation of a mission are very sophisticated, and, with today's movies and video games, such processes should be emulated to a tee.

Such conflicts like yours haven't really been as such since the many aerial battles of World War I through the Korea conflict. Missiles can be detected and fired from incredulous distances nowadays.

Your first chapter should buld these relationships you constructed. We also need clarification on the mission.

On top of this; only th F-15E, used for bombing, is occasionally used by the navy, unless this IS the air force. If the former, the F/A-18 Super Hornet would've been the most viable option.

#15 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 5h ago · · ·

Okay, I did a lot of editing to the first chapter, I changed it greatly so you may want to reread it, a lot more detail included.

#16 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 4h ago · · ·

Okay, I did a lot of editing to both chapters and also gave the main character a name. So anyone that read it before should reread it.

#17 · Chapter 1 · 67w, 4h ago · · ·

>>2552518 Re-read it, I was currently doing editing while you read it so it's updated now.

#18 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 4h ago · · ·

>>2552620 It's based in 2018 so there are new planes, sorry I forgot to mention that, like I said, I edited everything and changed a lot, so it's worth re-reading.

#19 · Chapter 2 · 67w, 3h ago · · ·

That doesn't justify anything.

The F-16 Fighting Falcon has been flying the open skies since something like 1976. If anything, the five year gap should see use of the now-developing F-35 Lightning II.

#20 · Chapter 2 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

In my opinion, good so far. Next chapter release?

#21 · Chapter 2 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

Let me guess... The blue thing that knocked him out was rainbow dash? Every single time these kind of story's always have rainbow dash knocking the human out. What's next, the human being taken to fluttershy and fluttershy befriends him and then he becomes friends with the others and they become best friends forever? I wish someone would create a more unique human in equestria story. :unsuresweetie:

#22 · Chapter 2 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2555035 You'll find out what it was in the next chapter, though I will tell you this, it wasn't Rainbow Dash. As described, it was small and it was a sharp pain. :moustache:

#23 · Chapter 2 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2554629 Should be out tomorrow

*Edit* Alright, I got it out much earlier than I thought I would. Enjoy!

#24 · Chapter 1 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

I'll give you some pointers. Check out my story, When Worlds Collide

#25 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

Early chapter release! :yay:

#26 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

I love this story, I just want to see bigger chapters and they come out more often.

I love this and good luck on writing a awesome story.

#27 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

amazing

#28 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2555909 Beat ya' to it Stealth boy! :trollestia:

#29 · Chapter 1 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

Pretty good, but with the music try to make certain words hyperlinks to the videos.

It makes it look less messy. :rainbowdetermined2:

#30 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

you might want to find some one to look over your story before you post it, i saw some grammer problems but nothing to bad. Its an awesome story

#31 · Chapter 1 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2557003 Alright thanks for the tip, I updated them now so it's just links instead. Looks much better thank you. :moustache:

#32 · Chapter 1 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2557542

You're welcome :pinkiecrazy:

#33 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

Might look into this later... got tons more shit to read, bro. You know how it is with the fanfics and the editing and the puddin' pops and the zippity-zoo and the bullshit...

#34 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·
#35 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2558396

For now, I'll give you a thumb... because reasons.

#36 · Chapter 2 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2555348

What kind of gun is he using? An M9?

#37 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2558438 Yes, I decided to go with an M9.

#38 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 5d ago · · ·

What can I say I've always liked the concept of fighter pilots in Equestria also I like that you got the whole "I know about ponies" thing out of the way quickly. One of the other stories I'm reading he's been in a moral debate about it for the last 726,000 words and still hasn't addressed it.

#39 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

>>2559392 Ya that was something that bugged me in some stories is that the main character a lot of times goes into some debate about whether what is happening is real or not and just keeps fighting himself about it for most of the story. I'm basing the character, "David" on myself quite a bit but still giving him his own traits and such.

#40 · Chapter 3 · 66w, 5d ago · 2 · 2 ·

Done, where will you have me go?"

Wait...That's it? No

"How the fuck did I get here?!"

and

"Send me back home NOW!"

:twilightoops:

#41 · Chapter 4 · 66w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2560479 Well the way I am having David be, like I noted, is that he goes with the flow. He would rather not question how he got here because from all that has happened it's obvious that not even the princess knows how he got here. Besides, he doesn't have anything to go back to, only war. His family is gone and his friend died during the dogfight. :moustache:

#42 · Chapter 4 · 66w, 5d ago · · ·

I can tell that this is gonna be a long day for David.:twilightsheepish:

#43 · Chapter 4 · 66w, 5d ago · · ·

Who are they fighting anyway? Mexicans?

#44 · Chapter 4 · 66w, 5d ago · · ·

Another new chapter! :yay:

#45 · Chapter 4 · 66w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2560909 If you're talking about the battle on earth, that remains to be unknown. If you remember, they said they were being attacked by an unknown force.

#46 · Chapter 4 · 66w, 3d ago · · ·

:eeyup:

#47 · Chapter 5 · 66w, 6h ago · · ·

Ahh how come no one likes Rarity I like her.

#48 · Chapter 5 · 66w, 6h ago · · ·

>>2586290 Ah nah, he was dreading the part of being examined for hours, just like he was with Twilight. :twilightsheepish:

#49 · Chapter 5 · 66w, 4h ago · · ·

I've been fitted for a tux when i went to my uncle's wedding. I know how uncomfortable it is to stand still like a statue for about a half hour, while they measure you.

#50 · Chapter 6 · 65w, 5d ago · · ·

Did you clothes not close?:unsuresweetie:

Still a good chapter:pinkiehappy:

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