Awaken
January 3rd, 2018 - 1:34 AM
As David woke, all he could feel was pain; a very painful headache.
He tried to adjust himself in his seat but soon felt a sharp pain in his gut, he looked down only to spot a piece of metal sticking out of he abs, he flinched realizing he had a piece of metal in him, before he grabbed it he remembered to never pull these things out unless you had a way to treat it soon. So David left it temporarily, he grabbed the release latch for the cockpit window but the handle was jammed just like the eject handle. Realizing he was trapped, he let out a deep sigh, then reached for his boot and grabbed his knife, lucky enough for him, he hadn't had the time to change into his flight suit when the attack had begun, so he was still in his basic military outfit, black boots with green camo pants, white plain shirt and a button up green camo shirt on top with the sleeves rolled up. He always kept a knife in his boot just in case, and it paid off.
He reached the knife up and cut his seat belt off since the release button got jammed during the crash.
'Ugh, everything is jammed! At least I'm alive.' David blurted out in his head due to irritation.
After slicing the seat belt, he reached behind his seat and grabbed a red and green medical backpack, along with a handgun and combat helmet with a mask included just in case there was gas in the area.
David chose to check how many bullets he had before continuing.
'Joy, 12 bullets...' David thought with a sarcastic tone.
Pointing the gun at the window, David fired three times in a triangle, then slouched back and lifted his boot to the window, he took off his flight helmet and put the combat one on to protect himself from the glass and anything waiting for him outside, he kicked between the bullet holes two times and shattered the glass.
'"Alright, let's get out of this piece of rubble."
After climbing out, David leaned against the crashed piece of metal, taking in the scenery so he could figure out where he was.
'I don't remember there being any forests nearby the Air Base?' David thought to himself in confusion.
Although it was night, he could still see enough of the surrounding area thanks to the full moon and clear sky. The storm had passed while David was knocked out.
"Alright, lets deal with this piece of metal." David said with a hint of fear in his voice due to how painful he knew this would be.
He took off the backpack and set it beside him, grabbing the metal, he pulled on it as much as he could, successfully ripping it out. He held in a shriek of pain and gritted his teeth only letting out a small grunt. He tossed the metal aside and opened the backpack, after grabbing some pain killers and medical supplies he cleaned and covered the wound as best he could. Putting loose supplies back, he picked up the backpack and settled it on his back once more.
"Damn that hurt!" He said with slight irritation.
After resting for a few more minutes, he leaned off of the rubble and looked around, decided to just walk forward and see if he could find a town or anything. He was stopped after a few steps by the sound of movement behind him. He spun around only to spot a creature of black and green.
"What the hell are you!?" He managed to spit out in disgust
Suddenly the creature speaks with a female yet twisted voice
"Me? Oh I'm just simply the queen of the changelings you fool!" She spat out in reply
"What the fu-, wait... changeling?" He realized who he was talking to, but couldn't believe it.
"No, it can't be... I'm dreaming!" David said in shock and disbelief.
"Oh no, you are very much awake, but not for long~..." Chrysalis said with a smirk
[Music](Right click open new tab)
David spots 5 changelings land beside her, only to begin creeping in a stance to pounce.
Realizing that he had to react soon or meet a painful death, David lifting his gun up from beside him and pulled the trigger twice, missing the first time but luckily the second bullet lands a hit in one of the changelings head, letting out a trail of green blood as it got knocked over onto it's back.
"What is that thing!?" Chrysalis hisses
Once David noticed the fear in their eyes, he began marching forward with the gun in two hands, opening fire.
He scored a headshot on the next changeling again leaving a trail of green blood. One of the changelings jumped forward
after David, as he noticed it he spun around while lifting his right leg and met the changeling's head with the back of his boot knocking the changeling to the ground. The force of the kick left it unconscious, lifting his handgun back up he pulled the trigger and and left a hole in the chest of the fourth changeling. As the last changeling charged him, he lifted his boot and smashed the changelings head into the ground snapping it's neck. He then turned around and shot the unconscious changeling in the head to make sure it wouldn't get back up. Marching up to Chrysalis last as she stood there in shock from what just happened, he lifted his gun to her head, shockingly enough she was eye level with him so it was easy to stare he in the eyes.
"Go, before I add another corpse to the area" David said having some mercy on her, although he was still in disbelief that he had his gun pointed right at the changeling queens head.
"Behind you~" She said with a devilish smirk
David spun around as fast as he could to try and stop what ever was behind him but was too late, as he began to turn he was met with a blunt pain to his right cheek knocking him to the ground and shattering one of the lenses on his mask, lucky for him, the helmet took most of the hit.
As soon as David recovered he rolled onto his back to try and grab his gun but Chrysalis stepped on top of him and pinned his arms to the ground.
"Yes~" Chrysalis said with a disgusting tone.
She began leaning forward while revealing her teeth, as she got close to his neck, he took the chance and lifted his boot to her waist, kicking with all his force.
"GAH!" She yelled and grunted
She moved one of her hooves to her gut, releasing his right arm, he used his right hand to grab her horn and shatter it in two, then he landed an uppercut to her jaw knocking her off of him. He stood up as quickly as he could, grabbing his handgun as he stood up. Once he was up he took aim only to see three changelings flying off carrying Chrysalis, deciding to spare them he chose not to shoot.
As soon as they were out of sight, he dropped to the ground on his knees letting out a sigh, then beginning to chuckle.
"I can't believe I just tore her horn off, I thought they were stronger than that." David said softly as he was tired from what just happened.
He soon remembers what resulted in him crashing here.
"Damn it Drake..." He says as he closed his eyes.
Suddenly before he could react, he heard a whistling sound and spotted something small and blue.
"Ah shi-" He was cut short but a sudden sting in his chest and blacked out.
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Okay if you dislike it, the least you can do is tell me what you don't like instead of leaving me wondering.
meh not bad but not good ether i did not dislike jus in case i for one cant bring my self to hate any characters in the show i mean how can anyone? even the changeling queen is adorable..this story.....not bad you coulda waited a little longer for the first contact bit makes the reader anxius to see the reactions of the ponys and such. it has potential ima watch
More please
2551209 Thanks, while writing I felt like I had a long chapter going, but once I was done I realized how short it was.
Same with the second chapter, the third chapter will be longer and hopefully I can get it into more detail. I had been thinking for about a month about a situation where a pilot was shot down but crashed in the forest so I was just extremely anxious to finally begin writing the story so I ended up rushing a bit.
2551140 Okay then. Since no one bothered to tell you their problems with the story, I'll tell you mine.
Okay then, chap. I don't have a problem with the description.
Edit: Except the part where you didn't tell us why there were dogfight in the sky.
Although this one, I do have. I don't really like second person fictions. That's just my opinion; I don't know if it affects others.
And addressing the readers as Anon is a big, red flag for the others. We have different names, and simply addressing us as Anon is not amusing.
If I were you, tend to avoid making others address the protagonist by Anon, as much as possible.
Next paragraph, and the first thing I saw was Scout, giving me the come hither look.
I don't know what to say about Youtube videos in the chapter itself. But it does affect me, and the flow of the story.
To be honest, a simple exclamation point is enough to express the speakers in the dialogues above..
And if I were really the one in this story, I would prefer to cower inside of the barracks, because I'm not the soldier type.
That's another reason why second person fictions aren't really that popular. It's because there is a time when if the reader was really to be the one in your story, he/she might do something different from how you narrate it.
This is one long sentence. And also, I saw a comma splice on this one.
Instead of a comma before 'your sleeves', use a semi-colon, or a period.
But that's just a small error that is most likely unnoticeable.
Another comma splice. Also, you seemed to be rushing; you didn't described the scene in here. You only told us what we did, and the sound that echo throughout the background.
Yelled and yell, choose only one tense.
Again, please be more descriptive in the scene.
Next, another Youtube video; and this one is extended, if I may inform you.
Let's me tell you what my mind is showing me when I read the sentence, above.
I could see myself, piloting a jet without anything, or whatsoever; just a plain ol' jet, painted with white.
The skies around me are as plain as the paint of my jet. I could see some thunders in the distance.
Then, I noticed two dull jets, following my trails. The other one just exploded, miraculously.
The end.
Sorry, but, that's just my opinion.
Another bland, action scene.
You could've at least made it interesting.
For example:
Three hostiles jets are in front of your vehicle, flying ahead of you with speed.
You lock on two of your missiles. And with the system notifying you that you are ready to fire, you do so.
A rocket hit an unlucky target; the enemy's engine bursting into flames.
The second one missed, but instead, hit the other one with roaring explosion.
And, that's the only thing I could think of. I'm not an author who's used to writing action fictions.
Anyways, I forgot to remind you about typing three, instead of 3. If it's too long to spell it out, then just type in the number.
Yeah, I don't laugh like that, even if I'm feeling a bit too cocky.
Trying showing it, instead of telling it, hun.
Another Youtube video, with a sad music.
Sorry, I don't care about Viper, even with the music trying to set up the mood.
Oh, no worries, deary. I still have my dog to care for.
No matter what, good or bad, a soldier must always follow his commander. Or is that what you call it.
Sorry, I don't know a thing about military.
So... I guess I said all of the things I should, even with the chapter two still uncovered.
So, I hope this makes you comfortable now.
Goodbye.
2551253 Thank you for explaining this, I may go back and change quite a bit and give the character a name as well as go into more detail during everything. Like I said, my first story so I don't have any experience writing stories.
Not particularly related to the story, but the pilot must feel pretty bad being the only F-15 pilot to be shot down in a dogfight.
This is amazing please continue it
2551488 Ya, I'm going to go back and add more detail and possibly remove the friendship with Drake so it's mostly he is just your wingman because the whole sadness thing I attempted was pretty cheap
I'm gonna go into more detail about other planes being shot down as well as talk more about the battle instead of just saying that he managed to kill a few planes.
Interesting start. Not sure if I agree with the second person, but hey, it's your story. One thing I really need to address is your choice of aircraft. The F-15 was phased out years ago by the F-18. While I know the Navy replaced the F-15 with the F-18, I am fairly certain that the Air Force did the same.
Help with an example of your work from my previous comment,
"You shoot the window 3 times in a triangle since the window is jammed, kicking the middle of it you manage to shatter it.
(Alright lets get out of this blasted thing!) you, again, yell out in your head."
This is flawed, you didn't tell us how he found out that it was jammed and you didn't flesh out the moment (for lack of better terms). So really he just magically knew that it was jammed is all the story is telling us.
Creating sadness cannot be done unless we're properly introduced to timelines and intra/interpersonal relationships. Sad music can't alleviate this, either.
Also, removing the relationship entirely but still having the situation doesn't help. Reading a book like Band of Brothers can show you the effects of war; even in aerial conflict.
Also, the lack of realism pains me. The operation of an aircraft and the dictation of a mission are very sophisticated, and, with today's movies and video games, such processes should be emulated to a tee.
Such conflicts like yours haven't really been as such since the many aerial battles of World War I through the Korea conflict. Missiles can be detected and fired from incredulous distances nowadays.
Your first chapter should buld these relationships you constructed. We also need clarification on the mission.
On top of this; only th F-15E, used for bombing, is occasionally used by the navy, unless this IS the air force. If the former, the F/A-18 Super Hornet would've been the most viable option.
Okay, I did a lot of editing to the first chapter, I changed it greatly so you may want to reread it, a lot more detail included.
Okay, I did a lot of editing to both chapters and also gave the main character a name. So anyone that read it before should reread it.
2552620 It's based in 2018 so there are new planes, sorry I forgot to mention that, like I said, I edited everything and changed a lot, so it's worth re-reading.
That doesn't justify anything.
The F-16 Fighting Falcon has been flying the open skies since something like 1976. If anything, the five year gap should see use of the now-developing F-35 Lightning II.
In my opinion, good so far. Next chapter release?
Let me guess... The blue thing that knocked him out was rainbow dash? Every single time these kind of story's always have rainbow dash knocking the human out. What's next, the human being taken to fluttershy and fluttershy befriends him and then he becomes friends with the others and they become best friends forever? I wish someone would create a more unique human in equestria story.
2555035 You'll find out what it was in the next chapter, though I will tell you this, it wasn't Rainbow Dash. As described, it was small and it was a sharp pain.
2554629 Should be out tomorrow
*Edit* Alright, I got it out much earlier than I thought I would. Enjoy!
2555348
What kind of gun is he using? An M9?
Try
FTFY.
2558438
Probably standard issue for Air Force pilots
I don’t know if anyone else has pointed it out yet but if your not in a operating room you shouldn’t remove embedded objects because judging by the description you gave he would die pretty quickly due to internal hemorrhaging that was being prevented by the object.