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At chapter 10 of Past Sins, Princess Celestia brought Nyx to Canterlot almost by force(?) and Nyx became Nightmare Moon. What if Twilight went to Canterlot with Nyx? Will it change? Well, find that out on 'Past sins: What If......'

My first  my little pony fanfic. Corrections welcomed but no rude comments.

Recommend to read Past Sins until chapter 10 before Celestia's visit if you didn't.

Special thanks to Pen stroke for the permission to write this.

Yup, my story is 'On Hiatus' again... I'm sorry. Read my blog post if you want to know the reason.

First Published
8th May 2013
Last Modified
6th Oct 2013

Sweet Celestia !!!!! This is something I really wanted to see for a long time thank you for making this plz all I ask is MAKE MORE:flutterrage:

other than that keep up the good work:pinkiehappy:

I am very interested to see how this small change in events in past sins will result,I mean, Nyx will probably be captured and turned into Nightmare Moon, but in original Past Sins, she was captured while she was unconscious, so practically all Nyx remembered was how Celestia took her forcefully and Twilight did nothing to help, and at the same time, so Nyx felt betrayed and felt hate again Celestia.

Now when she was not taken away forcefully and Twilight explained the situation, Nyx is more willing to trust them, so even if she turn into Nightmare Moon, she will not give up the chance to life with Twilight, it may be hard, sure, Celestia and Luna may fear Nyx power, Twilight and her friends may be shocked, but in original Past Sins, before Nyx started to fight again Celestia, she explained that she did not kill any guards and not let kill Twilight, it was then when Celestia said to Nyx that if Nyx will give her a chance, she will do all she can to clear Nyx name or something like this.

In original Past Sins, after Nyx freed princesses and let them judge her, the judgement was to take away Nyx power, not because they did not trust her, but because other ponies would hate her and panic, but now if Nyx turn into Nightmare Moon, and yet she will do all she can to make others not be afraid of her, there mind be a chance that she will be allowed to keep her power, and she may get her cutie mark faster, after all in original story she got it while she fought army of monsters to save Ponyvile and mane 6 ( as anty hero Nyx did far more then lazy Celestia and Luna who never bothered to assist Twilight and her friends on dangerous mission ), so it is a shame that Nyx who was actually using her powers for good had to lose her powers, and this side of the story give  a chance that she will keep her powers and become shield, while mane 6 with elements will be glass canon ( mane 6 are normal ponies, and if one of them die or is captured, elements will not work, so I am sure that Nyx with power of Nightmare Moon cover this weakpoint ).

Hmm... I too have wondered what would have happened if Twilight hadn't let Celestia take Nyx away. Probably resolve the situation faster and the cult would have a harder time with Twilight on alert.

The word choice and grammar are really awkward. If you can fix those, I'll give this a read. Right now it kind of distracts from the story. =)

A few spelling errors and such but so far so good. It'll be interesting to see how things change.

It will be interesting to see how you play with this.  Nexus will be surprised that Twilight is there and he now has to subdue an alicorn and one very soon irate unicorn mother.  If there is one thing I know is that you don't fuck with a mother's child, especially if she is anywhere near.  In my head, Twilight would flay Nexus alive, then burn him, or both at the same time; no more redeeming for him like in Past Sins.

Twilight what she worried about the most and the fact that she didn’t wanted hear,

Did you mean, "want heard"?

“My daughter won’t be Nightmare Moon!”

I thought in Past Sins Twilight was more definite and said that she "is not" Nightmare Moon.

She isn’t the same mare once she was!

"mare she once was"

If she don’t go to Canterlot their might be no troubles.

This sentences sounds really odd, I would consider revising it.

You also admitted that your scared a bit, remember?

"you're"

Oh, Princess, we just finished make our dinner.

"making"

she needs some medical checkup

"checkups"

I’ll give you a personal tour of the Canterlot castle once the checking is done.

This sounds odd and Canterlot Castle is a specific title so it is all capitalized.  I propose:  "Yes, and once we are finished I can give you a personal tour of Canterlot Castle."

She told them that Nyx is actually Nightmare Moon

I think this was discussed earlier in the story if I remember correctly so it is not new info to Spike or Nyx.

And for that I will have to suggest you something.

Again, really oddly worded

That’s what families’ are for, Nyx.

"families", you do not need the apostrophe since there is no ownership.

You don’t really mind if I go along with Nyx, don’t you Princess?

"do"

There are more errors that I did not catch or that felt like an error but I was not completely sure about.  Do you have an editor at all?  Some parts felt slightly OOC and issues seemed too easily forgive.

Normally I would have enjoyed this AU but the numerous grammar errors and clunky prose killed it for me, sorry.

:facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof:

>>2547585

I doubt Twilight will be able to stop cult, after all they are prepared to get Nyx from under Celestia nose, so they are probably ready to handle more then just princess.

But since Twilight told Nyx whats going on and went together with her, and Celestia did not took Nyx forcefully and with sleep spell, even when Nyx turn into Nightmare Moon, she will not fell betrayed, she will not fell anger again Celestia and Twilight, she will still fell hope and do all she can to prove that Twilight can still trust her.

>>2547898

Come on, Nexus managed to steal Nyx from Alicorn of the Sun, if he is ready to steal her from princess, why should he have problem with Twilight, after all the goal is not to overpower them ( Twilight would give him hard fight and Celestia would beat him and his cult easy ), the point is to steal Nyx and finish ritual.

The only way Twilight can prevent Nyx from being turned into NIghtmare Moon is not by raw power, but by noticing what kind of spell will be used, Twilight is smart, if she notice what they try to do with Nyx before it is to late and if Celestia will listen to her student fast enough ( Celestia is rather slow if you look at Canterlot Wedding episode, took her time to face Chrysalis ), they will save Nyx.

But I personally not want Nyx to be saved so easy, it would make this story end to fast, I rather hope she will be captured and turned into Nightmare Moon, but since she will not fell betrayed and angry ( in original Past Sins the last think she remember is Celestia taking her forcefully and Twilight letting her take her, and next she wake up as Nightmare Moon ), so I am curious how will Nyx deal with cult and convince mane 6, princesses and ponies from ponyvile that she is not a threat, it will be hard, but at last she will fight for her happiness.

>>2548170

Then how about you become his editor, I noticed some people here complain about his grammar errors, but right now there are tons of stories up there and almost no editors to help, I know it since I wrote many stories but did not submitted even one because I lack of person who can increase quality of my story ( and since English is not my language, it does not help ).

Very nice :pinkiehappy: keep going, i know that its hard the grammar stuff, but dont worry you will improve, i hope that you find one editor if your are looking for one of course :pinkiesmile:

Btw...Nyx best pony.

>>2548349

The reason Nexus was able to get away with Nyx so fast was because he blasted her out of the circle before quickly teleporting away.  In this scene, I feel it would progress just as normal except that Twilight would be outside the ring and therefore could easily jump or teleport to Nyx once she saw Celestia ejected out of the summoning circle.  Likewise, I would suspect that Twilight would try and monitor the proceedings of the ritual and possibly get hints that whatever is happening is not on the level.  Like detecting a teleport spell charging up or something similar.

If she jumps in as the teleport goes off and gets to ride along, I see her fighting tooth and nail hoof to get Nyx out of there.  And if she is able, shield Nyx from that dark ball of energy that slams into Nyx at the end of the ritual.

If the plan goes off without a hitch, then I see Nyx turning on those who took her.  She would also not be sedated by Celestia's spell since Twilight is on the ride with her.  She would be pissed at Nexus and company.

>>2548599

As powerful as Twilight is, even if she jump in the circle and teleport with the rest, she may get captured off guard, after all she will be outnumbered, and Nexus was head master of school for gifted Unicorns, so even in duel, Twilight would have hard opponent to face, and outnumbered she wont stand a chance.

My guess is that Twilight will teleport with Nyx and Nexus and then after a battle, she will be knocked out, and they will start the ritual on Nyx forcefully.

I hope that it will ends up with Nyx protecting Twilight and beating up the cult before Celestia arrive with reinforcements.

And then Nyx will need to face angry/scared mob from ponyvile, Twilight friends what do not know about Nyx and will try to rescue Twilight from Nightmare Moon so they can get elements and beat her, and then we will have Celestia and army facing Nightmare Moon.

Twilight will probably still struggle with her friends rescuing her again her will, maybe even saying that Nightmare Moon brainwashed her, guards will probably attack right away forcing Nyx to defend herself, and Celestia would see that cult members are knocked out, but she may still be afraid that Nyx as Nightmare Moon is a threat and there would not be much time for a talk in front of ponies from Ponyvile.

All in all, it will be Nyx decision how will it end, will she play defence and do her best to not hurt any pony with hope that they will stop attacking and start asking questions, or will she cover in fear and surrender to Celestia mercy, or her fears will win and she will turn into mist and make a run to everfree forest, and then Twilight will have a little talk with Celestia about:

Twilight: " If anything goes wrong at Canterlot I will never forgive you and myself.”

>>2548689

It is not that she needs to fight, she needs to stay mobile to be able to get to Nyx and then get her out of there.  I would also think that the author making her become a walking sheet of flames would not be implausible.  But I can also see her becoming incapacitated.

If she did gain the body of Nightmare Moon, then I would see events playing out similar to Past Sins, except Nyx would not gloat.  She would more likely turn on those who attacked and harmed Twilight.  The Ponyvillians would just stand around in fear and confusion.  From there it would depend on who gains the upper hand, cultists or Nyx; I would say Nyx since the cultists worship her.

If Nyx did have to face Celestia it would not be agonistic since Nyx has done nothing wrong besides defender herself and Twilight.  She would not really blame them for her current situation since they were tricked as well.  Twilight's friends would possibly freakout at first, but after seeing that "Nightmare Moon" is not acting like she should, but like an older Nyx, they would not be as scared.  Especially if she plays with the CMC.

I see the phrase, "If anything goes wrong at Canterlot I will never forgive you and myself."  Only applying if Twilight did not accompany Nyx to Canterlot.  However, since she did, she would have done everything she could think of at the time to protect Nyx.  

>>2548930

Well, do not forget that Nyx special talent is protecting those she love, because when Celestia and Luna focus on ruling country, doing paper work and raising sun and moon, Nyx is more of a field support, unlike Celestia and Luna, she is more like Twilight, she is ready to face dangers head on and take the blow, and it make her perfect shield for mane 6 since Celestia and Luna never bother to join on adventure.

But to protect others,she first need to have powers, and if Twilight will prevent Nyx from turning into Nightmare Moon, Nyx would not be able to get her cutie mark any time soon, and story would end up fast.

I hope that Nyx will turn into Nightmare Moon, because even if she will attack the cult and just defend herself, she still looks like Nightmare Moon, so she would need to get others to trust her, and also take direct action where she would get her cutie mark, and hopefully there will not be need to take Nightmare Moon powers away from Nyx just because ponies were want her banished or killed out of fear.

For some reason it disapoint me a little that after event of past sins Nyx become weaker then even Unicorn her age, after all her special talent was to protect others, I fell like this plot took away every chance for Nyx to use her special talent, in all Nyx related stories she is always defenceless little filly who instead of protecting Twilight and her friends, need they protection.

>>2548999

Not getting her Cutie Mark gives her more time with the CMC as a blank flank like them.  She would still get her Cutie Mark, though maybe differently, like protecting Sweetie from one of Scoot's hair brained ideas.  She does not know what her Cutie Mark would be, so would still need the right situation even if she gains NNM's power.

She could still gain NNM's powers but it would not assure her a Cutie Mark.  The cult would roll over for her.  Nyx's powers would still be half or so of Luna's old powers as well.  If the power was not returned to Luna, it would deprive Nyx of a childhood and Luna of the power the Elements stripped away.

It annoyed me as well that Nyx became far weaker than she was originally, but she would gain it back in her own time as she grows.  I think that making Nyx the protector of the Elements would be unfair to her since she would not be able to spend her time after school with the CMC getting covered in tree sap.  It would also deprive Twilight of the joy of watcher her little filly grow into a strong and responsible mare.

Never go for more that 3 periods with ellipsis, its read weirdly.

Don't worry about that one because Nyx will turn into a Nightmare Moon anyway

>>2547990 Sorry for all those errors;;;; I'll edit more.

I edited once more...... I hope it's more natural....

Read again and if there is still awkward lines, let me know.

I'll fix it again.

>>2548358 Excuse me, I'm a girl not a boy, you know

>>2550355 Just "..."  3 periods, no "........."

Hmm interesting concept though I kinda wish that it had taken more to wake up Twilight and stop Celestia from taking Nyx. Everything seems way to calm. In the original story there was a lot of build up and when the moment came it had me on the edge of my seat. I love What If's but I really think you should consider rereading the story a few times to really get the feeling of these characters.:rainbowdetermined2:

>>2550684 I'll try to make the situation more nervous then.

Edited again. I know it's a bit calm but I'm trying my best to rewrite it, so don't push me too hard please. And hope you like it more

Okay, i know its still being edited, and it seems like it can be a good story, but alot of it is still painful to read. I'm just taking a shot in the dark and assuming english isn't your native language; which if so, then this is a valiant effort.

The first half is littered with awkward sentences and grammatically correct but odd word choice.

For example:

“So, what is it that you want to talk about? Is there something trouble?” Twilight asked to Princess Celestia once she checked Spike and Nyx went into the kitchen and closed the kitchen door.

Probably would read better like so:

"So, what did you want to talk about? Is something wrong?" Twilight asked after she checked on Spike and Nyx, closing the door to the kitchen behind her.

Another odd one:

“That’s the spell that blocks sound...” Twilight tensed more as she recognized the spell, “Princess is it something about Nyx?”

“Unfortunately it is, Twilight. I found out that Nyx is not your cousin. Would you care to explain to me about it?”

Twilight hesitated for a moment, trying to think of an excuse. But then, Twilight realized there is no point of lying to the Princess.

Should go more like this:

“That spell blocks out sound...” Twilight tensed more as she recognized the spell, “Princess is it something about Nyx?”

“Unfortunately it is, Twilight. I found out that Nyx is not your cousin. Would you care to explain that?”

Twilight hesitated, trying to think of an excuse; but then, she realized there was no point of lying now.

>>2551624 Thanks for the correction. I really need it. I'm still trying to sound natural so if there's more awkward sentences, just let me know. I'll fix them right away.

>>2550787 Awesome, glad to see you are editing it as well.:twilightsmile:

>>2551767 Truth be told, I'm only doing this cuz:

A) I have nothing better to do

B) While I have great ideas for stories, I can never seem to find a satisfying way to open, continue, or end them. So, yeah...

C) Why should I be the only one to benefit from my anal retentive ways of literary expression?

But on to corrections!

Twilight sighed and said “Okay, Princess...” and started to explain to Princess Celestia how she met Nyx in the Everfree forest when she went there to find her saddlebag, which made Celestia worry a lot in the fact that her student went to the forest again after she got ponynapped, and what happened to Nyx until today and also some theories about Nyx and Nightmare Moon, and Celestia listened what Twilight is telling her without any emotions on her face.

Suggested reworking:

Twilight sighed “Okay, Princess...” and began explaining how she met Nyx in the Everfree forest, which made Celestia concerned over her student going into the forest so soon after getting ponynapped, and what happened to the filly since, as well as some theories she harbored. Celestia listened to it all without showing any emotions.

And more fixes!

Twilight felt tired after she finished explaining everything about Nyx. Worries and anxieties filled her head the moment she knew that their topic is about her daughter. Now that she finished speaking all the truths that she was hiding, it was Princess Celestia’s turn to speak.

“Thank you for being honest, Twilight.” The Princess Celestia said, offering a warm smile to her student.

“I really didn’t mean to hide this from you Princess. I was just...”

“That is okay, my faithful student. Actually I’m proud of what you did.”

“You are?”

The Princess nodded and said, “Not all ponies show kindness and protect the ones that was their enemies at the past.”

Suggestion:

Twilight felt drained when she finished her exposition. Worries and anxieties had filled her head the moment she knew that the Princess' visit was about her daughter. Now that she was done revealing all her hidden thoughts, it was Princess Celestia’s turn to speak.

“Thank you for being honest, Twilight,” Princess Celestia said, offering a warm smile.

“I really didn’t mean to hide this from you Princess. I was... It's just...”

“It's okay, my faithful student. Actually, I’m rather proud of what you did.”

“You are?”

The Princess nodded. “Not all ponies would show kindness and protect the ones that was their enemies in the past.”

And now I'm starting to feel like that old annoying paperclip helper from MS Word...

And some more.

“Well........Honestly, Nyx...kind of thinks me as....her mother.”

Celestia sighed. “I wish I didn’t ask you that question my faithful student. It became much harder to tell you what I have.......”

“What is it? What is it that you have to tell me?” Twilight asked anxiously.

As Twilight asked the question, Princess Celestia started to explain to her student about the spell that created filly Nightmare Moon, which is Nyx. In the end of the explanation, Celestia stopped for a moment to prepare to tell Twilight what she worried about the most and the fact that she didn’t want to hear, which made Twilight more anxious than ever.

Celestia took a deep breath and said, “I’m really sorry to say this, Twilight... Nyx is Nightmare Moon.”

“No...” Twilight’s face grew pale as she moaned; realizing that her last flicker of hope disappeared as she heard what she didn’t want to hear.

“Twilight...I’m sorry, I really am. But she needs to come with me to Canterlot.” Celestia said sadly; too painful to see her student’s face turning like that although she already knew that she will see it if she tell it.

“You don’t have to be sorry and take Nyx to Canterlot...because she isn't.”

Recommended approach:

“Well... Honestly, Nyx...kind of thinks me as....her mother.”

Celestia sighed. “I wish I hadn't asked you that question my faithful student. It became much harder to tell you what I must...”

“What is it? What do you have to tell me?” Twilight asked anxiously.

With that, Princess Celestia began to explain about the ritual that created Nyx from Nightmare Moon's remains. At the end, Celestia paused to prepare herself to reveal to Twilight her fears and, which only served to make Twilight more anxious than ever.

The alicorn took a deep breath and said, “I’m really sorry to say this, Twilight, but... Nyx is Nightmare Moon.”

“No...” Twilight moaned as her face grew pale, her last flicker of hope disappearing.

“Twilight...I’m sorry, I really am. But Nyx needs to come with me to Canterlot,” Celestia said sadly, turning away; it was too painful to watch her student’s face she struggled to come to terms with the verdict.

“You don’t have to take Nyx to Canterlot...because she isn't.” Twilight argued quietly

And yes, I will continue using the block approach, gets a better contextual flow viewing the correction and the work around it as a whole versus individual statements.

But that's just my opinion.

>>2552027 Okay another edit done. I'm really getting tired editing but it really sounds more natural after I edited the parts that you suggested. Thanks again for helping.

Im currently in the process of reading " past sins" aloud to my little brother ( and in the process rediscovering what a damn great story it truly is!) and tomorrow will be the day we hit the infamous Chapter ten.

So  great timing.

Guess what? I edited again...:facehoof:

You need an editor.  I noticed a few mistakes.  I can edit the grammar, if you'd like.  I could also edit the next chapter if you wish me to. :twilightsmile:

More...give me more.. I CANT SLEEP GIVE ME MOAR!!!:flutterrage:

>>2555446

Sorry, this still has a lot of grammatical errors.  Not necessarily in spelling, but in word use.  If you wish, I can give this the once over, but in all honesty, this needs to go through a second party at least.  

That said, liking the way you staged the intervention of Twilight.  I can't wait to see where this goes.

>>2556848 You really mean that??Thanks so much!!! I'll send the first chapter first then. I'm still working on chapter two and I have one more story that I'm working on...  Is it okay with you?

>>2558637 Whoa there, I'm still working on it...and I don't really know how much It'll take. But I'll try to make it fast, so relax okay? I'm glad you like my story!:twilightsmile:

an alternate reality where twi went with her adoptive daughter. FINALLY !

>>2559645 Errors all fixed!:twilightsmile: Don't worry about the errors. I have my editor now.

>>2682524

Heh, glad to hear it!!  It really is an excellent idea, and I want to see it fulfilled!  Best of luck, I'm looking forward to updates eagerly!!

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