This story deserves more than a 2.5.

Decent story, could be promising. Should be interesting to see what happens to other characters.

Bookworm unicorn falls for earth tilling pony, quite an interesting mix. Princess Celestia forcing her hoof on the matter seems a bit out of place but understandable given the circumstances concerning the gravity of the situation. So far it's pretty good! Can't wait to see what you do next.

Decent. Can't wait to see Dash and Pinkie Pie.

It was alright... just some of the characterizations are a little off hand, like Twilight would never get mad at Celestia even if she completely disagrees to her views and methods. But I guess in any normal circumstance, being asked to literally have sex is out of context.

>>67876787

According to canon, she's also never been asked to have sex with a complete stranger, against her will.

My wondering why they don't have artificial insemination in Equestria is balanced out by my relief at finally figuring out where Dinky comes from.

Not bad. This may be promising. Though I am more of a FlutterMac man myself, but I guess this works.

So much more could have been done with this.  Consider for a moment what is actually being proposed; it’s akin to government sanctioned rape.  The concept is hilariously dark and has soooo much potential as a light hearted slice-of-life in the midst of crisis.   For instance, what if the rules had been around for a while, though never fully enacted until now?  I could imagine the propaganda posters declaring ‘duty-bound’ contract.  As for Twilight, whom better to lead the example than the prized sudent of their goddess, a hero to all of equestria?

Yet this consept is pushed aside in favor of ‘shove them in a room until they agree to rutt’.  

Between poor characterizations, emotionally flat scenes, an overly hurried plot and a need for a total suspension of disbelief to tackle the scenarios put forth, over all I’d rate this story a 2.5

There is potential and I would love to see it reached, but a wrewrite would sadly be required to tap into that golden nugget.  

this story is awesome beyond color

well you have my attention let's see if you can keep it

>>68196819

I'm kind of a BraeShy myself, maybe an OctaviShy.

LUNA TRIXIE UMMMMMM CELESTIA (i ran out of ideas)

I wouldn't mind seeing one with rainbow dash in it XD also it would be cool if we could see twilights kid XD

>>69316931

All of the mane six will be done, it's just a matter of order, and whom I'm going to pair them with.

Why isn't this labeled as comedy?

I think Caramel and Pinkie should be one. Or Pinkie and Doctor Whooves.

>>70617061

Fixed

"Tragedy and Comedy together at last side by side"- Random guy in Fable 3

WOW. I love that twist. And mating Luna? Celestia is gone mad! MAD I TELL YA!

why not herself then(celestia i mean)

>>71477147

Because she's mad with power. And being pregnant will cripple her ability to rule.

Luna...Sparkle...

Luna sparkle? my brain hurts so is she from another time line or something

but she wait what sparkle LUNA mate celestia TIMEPIECE!?!

more. i demand it.

Luna what now?

Buh-wah?

... I look at the people complementing you and I see a bunch of people afraid of telling you how they feel or hurting your feelings. That is not how one helps an author increase the strength of their work, you'r story, no your writings are barely long enough to stand any sort of judgement. I sit here and read them and wonder why your still posting this little blurbs that have very little characterization, if any. No description for gods sake I'm going to quote a lack of description, " two guards dragged her to a dank cell, water dripping from the ceiling." that is your whole setting for the story and you gave it a freaking sentence. watch me add more to the story. The two burly guard pegasi grabbed onto Luna's wings as she struggled against them fruitlessly, dragging her towards the maw of the cell that her sister had prepared for her. The two guards refused to listen to her please as they threw her into the oppressively humid cell, her body landing into a small puddle that was fed by the water slowly dripping from the ceiling.

For goodness sake I suck at writing I know I do, learn to expand on your story, authors like you, are what have brought me to disrespect the fan fiction community as a whole. so please before blurting out another 1000 pile of word vomit please for the love of god take some time and think it through. I even thought about ending this tirade with a joke but realized that by doing so I would give you an excuse to ignore what I have said.

let's see where this goes shell we

oh sweet sweet irony of the song "Free Bird" coming on when I open this story up

>>71907190

I understand your frustration, and I know, this is not a very good story. Honestly, most of the chapters have been pretty rushed, and it shows quite a bit. I am going back and completely rewriting the first chapter, and at the same time, I will go through and slowly read through my previous two chapters, adding as much detail as possible. I appreciate that you told me the truth, as that is how I hope to grow, and so far I have received very little criticism. I will use your criticism to grow as a writer, and I truly appreciate it.

Lovely, once more Celestia knows more than her sister...

I wonder how long after "Timepiece" disappears with the foal who looked oddly like her sisters student will she realize what really happened.

finding it har dot put into words how much i enjoy your story so here goes:

Better than the first time around.

>>72507250

Thank you for taking what I have said to heart in this matter I am sorry if I came off harsh as I see the chance for a beautiful story, and one that could explore the inner workings of the characters, I cant wait to reread the better versions of this and I must apologies for the harsh words but not the emotion behind them as I still felt frustration over them. remember the truth is harsh

so wait did this chapter take place before nightmare moon?

>>72987298

No problem at all. I welcome all criticism and I liked your brutal honesty. I wish more people would let me know what I'm doing wrong so I could improve myself more. Especially because I can use this to improve my main fanfic more and more.

>>73077307

Nope, this took place about a year after the events of those episodes, but in a sort of alternate reality where Discord was never freed.

This sort of thing can be done well, but it is rather difficult. See www dot fanfiction.net slash s slash 3064884 slash 1 slash The_Mating_bFrenzy_b for an example.

Pretty much the characters need to take it seriously, but the story needs to be light-hearted to counteract the fridge-horror of forced pairings. The example fic I gave is a Naruto story, so it has the advantage of ninjas being expected to be cruel for the sake of efficiency. But it is very difficult to pull off in the pony-verse.

Aha, here's an idea. How about instead of Celestia going power mad, the different pony races have started to only marry within their race. There is something funky with the genes that makes it to where only 1 in 4 of any male foals conceived between two ponies of the same race will survive to term.

So basically, the idea is that Celestia dropped the ball on encouraging interracial relationships, damaging ponykinds formerly inherent hybrid vigor. After Luna comes back from the moon, she notices the odd preponderance of females, and does some calculations. Oh no! With the amount of males at a critical low, they need to do something NOW to restore the hybrid vigor, before any more same race pairings occur. Luna is pretty angry at Celestia for not making sure that ponies didn't segregate themselves (She's absolutely livid about the whole idea of cloudsdayle, and demands there be a permanent fix so that earth and unicorn ponies can live there too)

As far as dealing with artificial insemination, you could have it thrown out as an option because the ponies are far too inherently possessive and monogamous, or having some semblance of stable family be important, or maybe because they don't want to traumatize the ponies any more than they have to or something.

Same race couples would be required to register, and agree to have at least one male or four total foals. There would be a one month period before all were assumed to be available for the draft.

Celestia needs a figure to lead the way, to show the ponies it isn't that bad. Enter Twilight, national heroine.

>>73217321

I like the idea, but there's somewhere I'm going with this that will not be apparent until the end. Trust me, I've got a plan, and it is a doozy.

I, well, um... I really don't know what to think.  I mean- jeez, this is just ODD.  Not bad, just ODD.  

>>73367336

Oh, I forgot to include that it's also kind of interesting.  Curious, are you redoing the other two chapters or should I just go ahead and read the ones that are up right now?

>>73377337

Go ahead and read them, the first one was the most highly flawed, and if I end up revamping the other two it'll be in the far future, after I finish a few more chapters. Here's a hint, the next one's called The Speed of Stillness, and it is going to be the best so far, hopefully.

>>73217321

Good ideal but I would change how you have Celestia, she doesn't seem to type to just ignore the problem until the last second.

Like, she has been tring to fix the problem for some time now: Cloudsdale is now an odd ball mostly because of the weather factories,things were much worst back then, but  its still not enough and now the problem has gotten so bad she has taken more forcive steps like "for the good of our race everyone get laid!"

>>73597359

As I have said, I have a plan that will make everything make sense in the end. The sudden change in her attitude, the reasoning for the dungeon-like rooms, everything.

Could you make one with prince blueblood and applejack.

>>73877387

Maybe...

Oh come on, really his name is Timepiece.  I think it would of been better with a Doctor Whooves reference myself.  This way there is room for some crazy doctor antics.

Other than that, if you are still taking suggestions.  How about a Blueblood/Derpy, Fluttershy/Breaburn (sorry about spelling)...gee that's all the male cast members that I know.

>>74687468

I decided to go with a younger character for him, and not having seen Doctor Who myself, (I really need to make some time for it,) I decided to make him into a different character from what I'd always seen him portrayed as.

Is this gonna be Princess Molestia? Why else would there be dungeons and stuff?

..............me gusta wait what the hell happened to Celestia in the first chapter she was relativly normal now she's a dick

>>75637563

Something major must have happened during the week in between. I wonder what?

>>75667566 umm global nuclear war?

How... odd. Still, wouldn't put it past Celestia to be orchestrating this as a way for the Diamond Dogs to redeem themselves through self-improvement, rather than torture of others. Assuming, of course, that Rover is telling the truth.

I admit, you've piqued my interest. I'd like to see where this is going, if only to satiate my curiosity.

Umad Celly?

... THIS IS HORSEAPPLES BUCK YOU LOL.

...Kidding. These are quite the strange Ships. Only normal, precedented ones were RarySpike and TwilightMac.

...

HOLD IT, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MISTER!!!!!

If your doing a diamond dog ship with rainbow dash, then how about a Rarity/Spike or a Fluttershy/Angle bunny.

I... what?  What?  WHAT.  

What is this I don't even... somehow, this is still intriguing... not fantastic, but I'm sticking with the story.

I like it. admitadly strange, and Rovers character seemed a little off, but i liked it.

squeeeee then awwww not cool celestia NOT COOL (thisis actuly solar soldier i have defected all my personas to nlr)

What... Uh...

Crack ship from hell but I am strangely okay with how this chapter went. I'll read the rest, I was admittedly not going to read this one from the description but this has earned it a chance.

I know why Celestia's so mad, she's horny as hell and she can't do anything about it while she watches all the other ponies fucking and having fun.  I figured it all out.  I am a clever pony

>>75787578 fluttershy what?

Chip ship indeed

I was wondering are going to bring up any gay ponies?  Like maybe make Octavia and Scratch a couple or something, that would be a major factor with the "they're not enough foals being born"

>>76477647

cracked*

I am not sure what to think of this

OH GOD DASH x ROVER THAT IS SO LOL

... Now I wonder what Rover actually is in pony form. Guess we'll find out one day, ay?

did someone say celestia shipping

>>75697569

Betcha she jelly. :3

(these are my thoughts on only chapter one, i'll read the others later)

Hmmm... I liked it. I mean I wasn't blown off my feet, but I liked it. The length was nice, and the awkwardness at the castle played out beautifully, but even though I say that I liked the short length I feel like things were a little rushed. Just a paragraph or two leading up to the day of and maybe a bit more of Twilight being nervous when Celestia first told her would have landed you in the territory of a really really well paced fic, but as it is you have the makings of an adorable relationship.

Big Mac's dialouge was well done. The rule of thumb for Bic Mac is don't have him talk much, and you did that well.

Spike's reaction to Twilight breaking the news would probably have vbee hilarious.

Mating chambers? Do not want to want but do.

Overall very good. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I plan on reading chapter 2 (and hopfully all of the others)

(okay chapter two time)

This. Was. Really. Really. Funny!

Holy crap, you got Spike just right.

Again it was short, but it was short and sweet. this "The dragon's voice was smooth as silk, and flowed into Spike's ears like the ocean water gently lapping the shore" was an amazing simile, I read it through three times just because I liked the wording so much, but this "A stunning blue dragon walked into the room, her scales shimmering in the light. She smiled at him, her green eyes shimmering." ... you used "shimmering" twice and that is bad word choice. It actually stopped flow for me (but i am a nitpicker for this sort of thing) here's an idea "A stunning blue dragon walked into the room, her scales shimmering in the light. She smiled at him, her deep green eyes shining bright." Or somthing to that effect (i'm not a writer tho so i dont really know how well that will work)

Sparing use of Owlowicious is appreciated (i hate i when somepony has him say "Who" ten times a paragraph.)

Really solid, perfect for it's length.

(chapter three time!)

Okay... what? My thoghts on Timepeice. "Oh cool, a brown pony with an hourglass cutie mark? DoctorXLuna... i can dig it. Ooh there was some fighting. Wait... Timepiece? What?" So is he the doctor or not? TELL ME!!!! (dont actually, but i hope you clarify that eventually)

Luna Sparkle... Whoopty doo, i've never heard that idea before.

Dank cell... why? why are the mating cells like prisons? and why couldnt Luna magic the guards away, she only got the braclet on after she got locked up.

The thing that made me like the Spike chapter was use of some good description, but that's not here.

I hope you rewrite this one like you did the first one, it is okay but needs work.

(i still like the stoary though)

>>77667766

Yeah, third chapter needs some work. And the reason why Luna didn't magic them away is something that I honestly did not think about. Clearly I should stop writing while in classes, it makes the chapters seem worse! Glad you seem to have enjoyed it so far, I hope I can please you with the next few, I'm working on quite a doozy right now that will explain a lot about what has been going on, and after that, I'm definitely going to rework the third chapter. After all, the job of a writer is to try to make something everypony can enjoy, and I won't be satisfied until I have achieved just that!

(Forth chapter time)

Okay... okay.... okay... Rainbow Dash X Diamond Dog... you're so lucky that i dont pre-judge anything or else i would have left the moment I saw that coming, but you made it work, you did a rather good job weaving some history into themix to make the dog relateable.

There were once again some weak descriptions but nothing a bit of editing couldnt fix.

These chapters are short sweet and... well they kind of leave you hanging... i know you have a direction that you're going with this but i cant help but feel you're cutting them a bit too short.

Question time.

Does Celestia plan on having Dash mate with Rover? because that's how it comes across, although Rover himself says it wouldnt work right so you kinda have either a plot hole or some story you havent touched on yet. either way it is a little confusing.

Why did Dash just happen to crash into Canterlot, and more specifically into Celestia herself. That seews a little too convient (unless Pinkie is sitting in the castle with a twitchy tail)

Are the Diamond Dogs immortal? because according to the story of how they came to be Rover is over 1000 years old.

Closing comment

Decent, a bit of a rewrite wouldnt be out of place, but solid all the same. i also am loving the image of a Diamond Dog hitting on Dash

This is...well I don't know what this really.

>>80208020

All of those questions will be addressed in the future, except possibly the one with Rainbow Dash just happening to crash into Canterlot. I wanted: A. a little bit of a sense of suspension of disbelief, and B. I wanted to match the show's style a bit, with convenient things happening at just the right time to further the story, such as when just after acquiring a pet owl, Twilight breaks her quill, or that soon after getting a clubhouse, the Cutie Mark Crusaders just happen to learn about the school talent show. I will probably rewrite a few things in chapters three and four, but not quite as major as what I did in chapter one. Hopefully I'll get things dialed in so that rewrites will become unnecessary, as the first drafts will be perfect, but that is probably just a pipe dream. It doesn't help that this story is something I do in my spare time, which has been something I've had precious little of lately, not to mention this next chapter has blown up a bit with backstory, explanation, character introduction, it's kind of a mess of ideas that hasn't been arranged yet. I appreciate your judgement, however, and hope that you will continue to enjoy my work, or at the very least, enjoy criticizing it. As far as length goes, (don't worry, my little rant is almost done,) I have been trying to keep them so that the reading doesn't take too long, even for slower readers. However, I agree with you that a few times in there, the story cuts off very suddenly, and I will fix it in editing next week.

Poor Scootaloo keep up the good work! (I cried a little, I'll admit it.)

>>86678667

Don't worry, I cried while writing it. Many tears shed for the most radical filly ever.

I suppose Twilight and MacIntosh is a cute couple. After all, Big MacIntosh IS one of those weird REALLY smart southerner-type guys. Sorta like The Engie from TF2.

wait so theirs a nazi regeim in cloudsdale about to cause a mas genocide of ponies

this was so sad! I nearly cried.

Silly Twilight, you should have suckered him within that week. At least it wouldn't have been that awkward.

gonna have to agree with darklordcomp

that is pretty fucked up, brah

Very sweet even though my eyes didn't water. However it kind of gives me the idea that Scootaloo should be an emotional wreck. Oh well, I still enjoyed it

>>87528752

Rather than saying: "This will be explained later in the story," I have decided to answer this out front. The short answer is: She is an emotional wreck. She is practically obsessed with Rainbow Dash, not to mention she constantly puts herself in danger, along with her friends. This is speculation on my part, but as I'm writing this fanfic, in this it is true. She puts herself and her friends lives in danger because that way, if they die, she was in control, and she's basically committing suicide with her friends so that they all can die together. She knows that most of what she does is likely to kill them if it goes wrong, but she does them anyways, because when she does those things, she's in control of her own life's end. A very dark idea, that she'd be okay with killing her two best friends just to ease her fears of one of them dying without the other two, but it makes sense when you consider what she went through.

This was the best chapter yet. You described everything in more detail, which adds much more to the story than you might think. More chapters with this level of detail could greatly help this fic on its way.

at first, it seemed this story was an oddly disjointed list of forced ships...  I think I rather like the growing idea that Celestia might be entering a Nightmare Moon like phase for some reason. Cloudsdale... I imagine they've been neglected by the Princess's altered state. Not sure what's going on there. I like the idea of the imprisoned ponies banding together and confronting the princess.

Keep going. I feel that the story is still oddly goofy. It's no Past Sins, but it's still a good read. I gave it a 4.

This though... I support:

Has anyone said it yet? Just in case:

Gigity Giggity Goo!

@Darklordcomp

Where did it say or even imply Nazis?

you know someone is gona write down what happens in that cell and post it someday. Other than that Awesome!

LUNA SPARKLE?!

omg what a plot twist indeed

Disclaimer: Okay, so I didn't read past the first chapter.

But let me see if I'm getting this straight... there's not enough foals in Equestria, a societal-wide problem with wide implications which will take the collective work on many ponies many years to fully address.

So... Celestia decides that this specific mare and this specific colt must conceive a child...right now.

Sorry, but I had a really hard time wrapping my head around this while I was reading it.  It's a plothole you could drive a semi-truck through and in the end it just seemed like a poor excuse to ship Big Mac with Twilight.  Maybe if this was done more like a comedy it could work for me, but as it is it just falls flat for me.  And like I said, I didn't read past the first chapter, but dealing with that plothole I just wasn't inspired to continue reading.

(Chapter five)

... Okay, i know you adressed this in the notes at the beginning, but this chapter really is off. it wasn't bad, i i even really liked how you included how Thunderhooves became chief, but the first four chapters set this up as a semi-comedic story that will include lots and lots of shipping. this was a sorta sad tale about scootaloo's past. it breaks flow with the others a little bit, although you did keep some constants like having them go to the library buring Spike's dream. that was a nice touch.

I wasn't left with any questions like in the others, you adressed most points and the chapter flows well.

The length, although longer, felt right for this small sub-story and this chapter does point to the fact that you might have a larger plan for this then i thought.

Either way, no real complaints other than the jarring difference from the others. i look forward to the next chapters so i can finally get some of my questions answered

-juyunseen

P.S. i'm really having fun writing these little critiques

BAHAHAHA~

>>89848984

Perhaps it's not all about the mating, then? I'm not saying anything about what's going to happen in the future, but I think that you'll find that all will be explained in time.

At first I was like

but now I'm ll

BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I barely got about a third the way through before i fell over laughing.

this made me LoL it is a really good story i imagened celestia was going to send big mac TO THE MOON!!