I had the pleasure of talking with Applejack while working with her in Sweet Apple Acres. We got on the usual subjects of history, heritage, philosophy, and then magic.
"Earth Ponies seem like they're at a disadvantage when it comes to magic," I say. She just shakes her head and replies, "Now let me tell ya a story..."
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For a minute i thought AJ was gonna be tortured / raped... o.o
This is currently an above average story. Unfortunately, that's all it is. However, with some improvements, this could be great. For a start, you could use some explanation. For example, we don't know why Applejack is in the university. And you could transfer that interesting snippet from the description into the story itself and perhaps expand upon it, which might provide some more context as to why Applejack is telling the story. Secondly, the characterisation of the two hostile ponies seemed a bit off. Perhaps if you were to introduce something Applejack does to offend them, then you might get a story with more realistic characters. Last, and probably least, you had a few typos. A simple go-over should fix those.
Ooo...not bad.
2551585
I put the context of the story as part of the larger description (located immediately outside the story). I apologize if you didn't catch that.
The funny thing is, in my first draft I actually had an explanation for why Applejack went to the University, it just never came up when I wrote the second. (That reason for her going was the Agricultural Department had some new seeds to test, and Twilight asked Applejack to use some of her land.)
As for Catalyst's and Electrolyte's characterization, I'll admit that I didn't do a through back story on them because I thought it would be hard for them to go OOC in just a short story. As for their motivation, however, I hope the "we're superior and can do whatever we please" line of thought got across.
Lastly, there are some typos because I didn't want to delay the post in order to find an editor. If you want to help me fix it, however, I'll put the story on a G-doc and let you have at it.
2551199
Yeah, I just wanted to make sure Electrolyte came across as unscrupulous, and after seeing Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, I thought the best way to do that is let him talk about some... mildly suggestive content? (To the point where I was unsure to rate this story "everyone" or "teen." Hopefully, I was vague enough to hit the "everyone" mark.)
2551857
Thanks!
I think the typos added something to Applejack's voice. It's an interesting story idea but I think it could have used some expansion. Not only keeping the bit about why AJ was on campus but demonstrating more of her knowledge of classy things.
Oh, god, this was awesome. Faved and upvoted.
The way Applejack's dialogue was written seemed to capture her personality rather well. As for the tentacle telekinesis, that was getting close to a little something else. I thought it was a pretty good story.
What I imagine Applejack felt like when she sent Catalyst and Electrolyte flying:
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/238/4/8/uhm___applejack__colored__by_cesiummagnesium-d5cirjf.jpg
2552121
If more people want the more exposition, I just might have to do some story editing.
2552291
Thanks!
2555427
You know, I was more worried about the "bestial attraction" being too direct than the tentacles, but I guess I'll have to watch for that in future stories. And thanks for the really cool picture.
2555440
Enjoy!
Aren't there campus police there or something, I mean holding a pony up with magic against her will? Of course except for palace guards, the Appalosan sheriff and the wonderbolts you don't see any military or law anywhere else in the show.
If they tried to rape AJ, she'd sterilize them.
Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhh
lol anyway I hate that there are people like this in the world but hopefully karma will work things out for them in the end, until then GIVE 'EM HELL AJ
Good story
2556607
Aw, shucks.
I always thought unicorns had an unfair advantage in the MLP universe, so I wanted to level the playing field.
You should have an editor go over this. Mistakes like "mussel" instead of "muzzle" kept taking me out of the story.
3004601
I can G-doc it, and if you want to, you can proof read it. PM me!
AJ's all like, "bitches be uppity? I can take care 'a this shit."
Anyway, i loved the story. I need more kickass Applejack from you. I mean it. Like, I fucking NEED it, like a drug. Seriously, the don't call me "That Crazy Person" for nothing.