I like the story and I like the concept. The only thing that is holding me back from giving you 5 stars is all the grammar mistakes. I feel bad but I will give you 4 stars because through all the typos and whatnot, It is a great story and I want to know the outcome.

that was awesome make more soon

Ponyville

The town where lesbians run wild.

>>202072202072

Take into account that if you've found the grammar mistakes in Applejack's,Apple Bloom's or Big Macintosh's dialogues or thoughts, they are ment to be that way, to highlight their southern accent, their way of speaking and their slang

But if you've found mistakes in other parts of the story, please let me know, and I'll fix them in Ten Seconds Flat

And overall, please forgive me, It's the first time I write something this long, in english, you know, I'm from a non-english talking country, so it's kinda difficult to me some times

Not a bad story, especially if english isn't your primary language. It's actually quite good when qualified like that, but I digress. I had to comment after I saw you committing a deadly sin that is actually a peeve of mine that I try to correct when I run across it.

Y'all.

A contraction of you, and all.

The proper usage of y'all, in the southern or midwestern vernacular, is to address a group, not an individual.

For example:

Applejack trotted out of her house, where her friends waited for her. "Howdy y'all!" she greeted.

This is the proper usage. Remember, Y'all = more than one pony.

AWESOME

I cant wait for this to update

OKTNXBYE

>>202255202255 Yeah, at first I thought like that, but in some episodes, as in "look before you sleep" she talks to just Rarity, but say's "Y'all" anyways, also, take into acount that there are many authors that write southern accent in a different way, I just wrot in the one I'm more used to read, If you think it's wrong, well, maybe you could be right, but I know it this way, and it would be dificult to make it in a different way. As a matter of fact, I found myself writing with 'Ah' 'Y'all' and 'mah', that with 'I' 'You' and 'my'

3 thing I spotted:

connexion?

"they needed somepony who can/could/etc.. reach high places"

"or a fight in the mud"

Actually it wasn't bad, but... At least try to split these monologues up. If one of them talks for more than 5-7 lines straight, that is already a bad sign. It just breaks the flow, and it makes many reader skim through it. It wouldn't be a problem, as it can happen normally too, but it happens just too often here. At least try to split them up with descriptions of their behaviour or something.  

>>202350202350

I'm sorry,

1°= connexion = Spanish derped

2° and 3° = thank you, sometimes I miss these errors, I'll fix them, but right now, FIMfiction seems to be hating me, I can't save the changes, So I'll try luck tomorrow

4° long monologues, Yeah, I know, it's just... this is the first chapter, where nopony really know what they want, nor need, you understand? I swear I'll try to make none of this looooong boooring monologues in the next chapters, it was just this one, stay calm.

Thanks for everything you've pointed out to me, I'll fix it ASAP

Oh and Gutovi i thought i should share my thoughts with you

(clears Throat)

I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING...

Ok my actual is this:

I like the idea of applebloom being mature but still childlike, it suits her well

and Big mac being a Smart but quiet pony

is a great way to put him.

With the exception of those errors this story is perfect.

only thing that need improving is usethis for thought.

and this for talking.

Nice story and tracking to see were it goes

your faithful fan Naught0

Oh and

for me What i meant to say was

use Italic for Thought and

Normal for talking and describing

there were a couple of instances were the two got mixed up

Love u

and BYE

rainbow dash is the original gangster.

>>202419202419

Oh, I understand what you mean, but I think that you were confused, sometimes I just putted Talk-Thought-Talk, and you understood it as just talk. Or maybe I just derped, I'll check out anyways, just in case, thanks

Awww

>>202178202178 No worries. I understand. Don't get me wrong. This is a really good story. It's just that it gets hard for me to read sometimes. I like flow and with grammar mistakes it doesn't flow quite as well. Now understanding that English is hard for you, I will take back my 4 and give you a 5. No hard feelings?

some of the emotional  thinking and explaining  is a little drawn out, but over all I love this story!!! great work and please Keep it up!

Thak you for the support everypony! I seriously thought that no-one would read it, and if that happened, it would bring negative comments. Yeah, I'm kinda a low-steem pony, and that's the reason why every comment, every tracking, and every favourite, makes me squee like a little schoolfilly.

Thank you, I'll post chapter two, as soon as I write something of chapter 3, it's because I want to uploead in a somehow regular basis. Dont hate me please!`

this shall be tracked

this is great

end of story

>>202349202349 Trust me when I say the writers of the show may not know the proper meaning either if they didn't grow up in the south/bible belt. But that is a minor error as far as I'm concerned, it just irritates me. otherwise you're doing quite well given the grammar issues. english grammar is one of the hardest subjects to master, but I feel you're well on your way! Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Simple explanation: RAINBOW IS GOD

>>220358220358

That she is.

Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lm4hdkgbii1qjxtmio1_500.jpg

Very glad to see this story with an update, couldn't help but laugh at parts of it. Been having a good week so far, so I quite enjoyed this.

Just a quick note, when you describe the way a character says something, put their name before the adverb. for example.

Instead of, "..., said sarcastically Rarity." Say, "..., Rarity said sarcastically."

>>220784220784

Thanks! Truth be told, I know that it's like that, it's just that in spanish we write them the other way, and that's why I'm always troubled with it. I'll try to avoid doing it that way in the next chapters.

This made me laugh too.  XD (Much to the displeasure of my roommates. )

Keep up the good work!

I'm tracking this now this instant.

you know, this was an interesting skim, but i need more, no i need less. I'm confused. I'm insane!

There are quite a few 'hiccups' in the story, but when it's only your secondary language that's expected. Tracked with the power of a thousand suns!

Epic

A thumbs up and onto favorites it goes! Keep up the good work!

this is going to be comical

The part with Bon Bon and Lyra made me lol so hard!

this

will be amazing

i cant wait to see what they both do :D

Me want more!

I take it that the next chapter will be about Applebloom and Scootaloo.

Rotfl ... Want next chapter now!!!

>>310439310439

Yes, chapter 4 and chapter 5 are Scootabloom, and they will explain some things that will be in chapter 6, that is appledash, and Hopefully, the story will end there. Maybe there will be more... maybe not, there's no way to know.

Brilliant!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS

this is just a tad bit too cute :3

but theres nothing wrong with that

Pi kie is genious

Is it just me or is the whole date (or at least the clothes and the milkshake (hayshake) thing) a lil bit like a scene from the movie "Grease"?

deception in love is the best kind of deception. I loved how she made it seem like she was going to get the scooter when she was actually figuring out which necklace Applebloom wanted, if I hadn't tracked you already I would be tracking you twice

Although you have a few phrasing issues here and there that could be fixed, its good otherwise.

Scootaloo bought Applebloom the necklace, I just know it.

Scootaloo never bought the scooter.

The scooter was, in fact, a CLEVER RUSE!

>>367971367971 I think Scootaloo wanted the scooter to begin with. But Applebloom's mentioning of the necklace made Scoot's decide to spend her bits on something for her special somepony rather than on herself.

Man I can't wait to see this story keep going! It's so sappy, and yet it's AMAZING!!

>>366943366943

Well... I've never seen the movie, so unless a magical desing made the idea enter my head without watching itt, I just thought of something similar.

>>368820368820

I´ve never seen the movie or musical either, but i saw a version of it in "Drawn Together" and a lil bit in commercials.

i see a necklace in her future

Puppy love stories are always cute

awesome, can't wait for next chapter

Why only the neckless when she could negociate to get both ? 360-280=80 bits and that's what she said she could get if the guy were tought, if he is soft she'll get more of a discont and then do the same with the necless, at lest that's my tought.

>>459099459099

I was trying to say that instead of paying 360, she would pay 280 or 290, not that she would pay it at 80 bits. And she didn't had 500 bits, so she couldn't pay for both.

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough

>>460919460919

i didn't said that i said she got an 80 bits bargain so if she had actualy enought to buy it full price she would have 80 bits left

btw it's totaly possible i just formulated it wrong english isn't my motherly language

Edit : btw you were totaly clear. Oh ! and i didn't writhe that i love this fic crap saying it now : I LOVE THIS FIC !!!

>>461008461008

Thank you, I understand you. English is not my mother language neither. I'm from Argentina, you know, the southest country in South-America

Anyways, thinking that she could bargain an aproximately 20% of the final price, and implying she could do the same with the necklace, it would still be (150~160)+(280~290)= 430~450.

Too expensive anyways.

>>466212466212

We're 2 oposite then i live all the way up north in Canada, the northest contry in north america XD

and yeah i'm a french canadian witch makes me 20% cooler ! Right ?

I guess so after all it's your story so stick to it ! Best way to writhe something amazing: knowing where it goes.

(btw just loved your interpretation of Big Mac.)

Oh, Pinkie...

Why do I always think she's following some big plan that'll make everything she interrupts have a better outcome than if she hadn't? Am I being too trusting?

This fanfic deserve much more attention, than it has.... I really love it, great work so far dude.

When you wrote daft pony i wanted to strangle you and cut out your insides.

Ok, looks interesting. One thing though:

Now I don't know how exactly this commentary system works so to clarify I am leaving this comment in the first chapter.

The moment when Applejack talks with Applebloom. You definitely messed up with the italics. It's like 27 or so lines of italic text and it's a CONVERSATION not thoughts... At least mostly. You should check that starting somewhere around this line:

“What y’all don’t wanna me to know? Don’t y’all trust yer sis?” said Applebloom pouting and looking at her with a face that could melt the heart of a Windigoe.

And yes, it IS in italic.

Other than that, I'm not complaining. Now I GO! To read the next chap.

>>499619499619 Maybe it is that way... maybe it isn't... She's Pinkie... you may never know.

>>499716499716 Thanks! I'm glad you like it.

>>499904499904 Thank you, that sounds really lovely and comfortable .

>>499938499938 Your welcome

>>499927499927 Thank you, I really aprecciate that. It has been fixed.

>>499938499938 *gasp* Or is there... An ulterior motive?

>>499952499952

Always glad to help.

Once again great work, and i love were this story goes, about each pony triing to give the other one hints and the other to obvious or scared to acte on them. I know those feeling and you describe them well.

>>500115500115 Yeah... I know them too. Believe me I do...

Nice chap.

Guess I'm complaining again...

“Pleas Dash, can you answer my question? Please? Then I’ll tell you everything you need to know”      Missing "e" there.

"In the last second, she stopped flapping her wings, and turned them to face de wind"       DE wind? Shouldn't it be THE?.

"She hasn’t told her where she sleeps everyday yet, or how was he able to go to school without any responsible pony to certify her."      Consarn them, typos.

"They shared a hug, and Rainbow then nooggied her lightly"       The term is "noogied".

"And that she must be really close to you, so she doesn’t bothers your wings when you are flapping them"     "doesn't bother".

Edit: Now what in the world happened here?? What sorcery is this formatting??

Edit2: Okay, somewhat fixed... Note to self: NEVER USE TAB AGAIN...

Okay, that's all I see. Typos... Sneaky things...

Oh my... It seems it's like 1:50 AM... I simply must stop reading fics, definitely stop whining and go to sleep...

Anyway, keep up the good work!

>>500159500159 Thank you again! Most of these problems are because I'm from a non-english speaking country, and I haven't even finished my english studies... Oh, and I've noticed some of those problems, but Fimfiction was derping at the time, so I couldn't change them here, maybe there are less typos in deviantArt. Cause I could change some of them. But now it seems to work perfectly again, I'll cahgne them. Thanks again.

I know I shouldn't be wanting to hit pinkie pie, but COME ON... did she really have to ruin a perfect moment

I swear if she pulls that with applejack and rainbow I might just find reason to flip my desk. I know I shouldn't be hating, but it made me upset, I'll get over it.

Pinkie pie........

>>500985500985

Please everypony, stop the hatin'! She's Pinkie Pie, you should know by now that that's how she rolls

>>502671502671

>>503541503541

Remember I love them too much to hurt them, and I'm too much of a pacifist to actually hit anything, so my desk is next best option

I do look forward to the next chapter, and hopefully some redemption from when you made me upset

>>503541503541 i know but i feel furstration for applebloom and scoots though

1rst comment

great job, i guess that the next chapter are going to be around rainbow and aple jack.

And great endoing you got me wondering what did rarity did

Why is everypony so surprised whenever Scootaloo flies? We've seen her fly before. Go back and watch Cutie Pox again. You'll see her fly near the begining.

There was the moment I've been waiting for, but now what happens?

Well... The writing is excellent, but all of Applebloom's/Scootaloo's thoughts seem to be VERY mature. I could see adults thinking all that, but mere fillies? That's a bit OOC to me.

But don't let my cynicism disheartening you. It's a great story otherwise.

This was great I cant wait for the next update!

Ooh no, I have a feeling that Rarity said rude and disgustin things to AJ and RD. And now hse realizes it because of Sweetie Bell that its not true. Soo cant wait for the next chapter htough. THanks for another good one.

>>565437565437 Yes, it is true. But technically she doesn't "fly" she just hover for some seconds, and at a low altitude. In the story she flies high enough to see RD on the other side, which is a lot, besides, she mantains it for some time, there is a difference, anyways, I respect your idas, and I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough.

>>565699565699 Yeah, it may sound very mature for them, but I've said trough the chapters that they ARE mature, except with their cutie marks and stuff like that, and since we never saw them in love we don't know if they are mature in that way. Besides, this also deppends on one's thought about their ages. I think they are nearly 14, or 15, and that the mane 6 are 27. Some people that age are mature enough for those kind of thouhgts, maybe not the majority, but they exist

>>567850567850 I always believed that the mane six ages range from early 18 to 21 Pinkie being the youngest anywho I'm somewhat surprised to see this out so soon so keep up the great work!

"She took her dress off, hanged it in the wardrobe"

I believe you mean she hung it up. If she hanged it, that would mean she executed it.

>>570470570470 thanks, got the same complain on dA, I'll fix it now.

"Ah know y'all always tell me not to count the chickens before they hatch"

I can't tell if this line is pure genius or coincidence, but either way I still can't stop laughing.

smart big mac............... my head just exploded

oh shit the drama train just hit

Subtlety? We dont need no damn subtlety, this here's a SHIPFIC!

This is an interesting story but the fact that you just use blocks of speech without saying whos's talking makes my eyes bleed

>>802798802798

Oh, those wer my first chapters, I believe I started to give up those tiny things as I wrote more chapters, I hope they get better later :)

.... Wow Pinkie is either some kind of master mind with a hidden plan... or just dumb as a brick in this fic.

>>816498816498

Well... which one do you  think it is dear Neon?

Maybe she's a master mind, maybe she's dumb as a brick.

Maybe she's just too innocent.

Maybe she wants us to think that...

GOD DAMN IT PINKIE PIE WHAT THE HELL MARE THEIR ON A FUCKING DATE i dont use this kind of language often but Damn it pinkie GO THE FUCK AWAY

>>816546816546 The way you write Pinks? I don't have a bloody clue!

>>816580816580

"They're". He he he, you haven't seen a thing yet...

>>816612816612

"Write" Well... that's actually a compliment, cause that means I did a good work

Who else but Pinkie Pie?

>>816619816619 what is she going to do and are the girls gonna blow up at her

they'er...well done

if only you could do that in you stories

>>816619816619 Bloody typos....

hate to be rude, but the misuse of y'all disturbing in this. Don't know why it bothers me today, but it does.:serious face: