With apologies to T.S. Eliot
Let's go, y'all and me,
To Ponyville in the evening, under the sky
That the pegasi have cleared away;
Let's go, through the pony-crowded streets,
Passing the couples by
Thinking of restless nights in my upstairs room
Lying awake beneath the homespun bedsheets
With faint scent of lavender
Leading to an overwhelming memory...
Oh, don't you ask "What is it?"
Let's just go and make our visit.
The purple plums in the market, piled high, not from here
The ruddy peaches with soft fuzz that tickles my muzzle
Licking my lips, just the corners of my mouth,
Lingering, watchin' the foreign fruits from all over the place
Then Ah fall back, turn my back to them; can't let AJ see.
Ah slip around the market place, make a sudden leap,
And seeing that she's busy sellin' the apples we love and grow
I turn around the corner, and sneak away.
In the library the mares come and go
Talking of friendship.
There's sure gonna be time
For the big red pony that slides along the street,
Casting glances at the big green tree growing there
There's gonna be time, there's gonna be time
To prepare my face to meet the faces Ah meet;
There's gonna be time to think and read,
And time for all the works and days of hooves
That kick and drop an apple in your baskets;
Time for apples and time for me,
And time to change my mind again
And lose my courage again and again,
Before the day's up and it's too late again.
In the library the mares come and go
Talking of friendship.
There's surely gonna be time
To wonder, "Do Ah dare?" and, "Do Ah dare?"
Time to turn back and return to the farm,
To fix the fence, to not think and clean the barn
(They're gonna say: "How he's working himself hard!")
My shiny red coat, my green apple mounted on my flank,
My yoke plain and modest, but kept nice and polished --
(They're gonna say: "But how silent he always is!")
Do Ah dare
Disturb the princess?
In a minute there'll be time
For decisions and revisions that a minute's gonna reverse.
For Ah've known them all already, known them all:
Have known the silences, the nods, the shyings away,
Ah've measured out my life in "Ee-yups" and "Nopes".
Ah know my voice dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a higher sphere
So how can Ah presume?
And Ah've seen the eyes already, bright and clear --
Her eyes that fix you in a panicked state
An' there Ah am flabbergasted, pinned by her horn
Pinned by the thought of magic that's plain to all
Then how should Ah being
To spit out all the little confessions of my days and ways?
And how should Ah presume?
And Ah've seen her already, seen her there--
Hooves that are laquered and small and neat
(Glossy, like finest plums, looking good enough to eat)
Is it the rustling of her feathers
That fills me with fear?
Wings and a horn, that make me feel so bare
And how should Ah presume?
And how should Ah begin?
Should Ah say, Ah've gone at twilight through narrow streets
And watched the light that pours from the windows
Of a lonely princess in her library, reading at her desk?...
Ah should've been a pair of dragon claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent trees.
Wouldn't it have been worth it, after all,
Wouldn't have been worthwhile,
After adventures and the dragons and the gem-studded caves,
After the villains, after the rescues, after the parties that trail long into the night --
All this, and so much more? --
Ah can't really say what Ah mean.
But if chance or magic threw me into the patterns of her life:
Wouldn't it have been worth while
If she, settling on a pillow or writing a scroll,
And turning towards me, should say,
"Thank you for your help, Mac;
Thank you, Macintosh, I needed you."
Nope! Ah'm not some prince, nor was meant to be;
Not even a hero, just a common stallion
Good to have around, hard workin' too
Help the princess, if she needs an easy tool,
Obedient, happy to be of use,
Silent, polite, and dutiful;
Full of high thoughts, but almost mute;
At times, indeed, almost unnoticed--
Almost, at times, a Prop.
Ah grow weary... Ah grow weary...
Gonna wear my fetlocks long and unshorn.
Shall Ah taste a plum? Do Ah dare to eat a peach?
Ah shall be an Apple, and walk upon the fields.
Ah've heard the alicorns singing, each to each.
Ah don't reckon they'll sing to me. Nnnope.
...
But... Ah've seen her, trotting with her friends
Her mane an' tail fluttering and blown back
Like a common pony herself, laughing and playing.
Ah've lingered too long in the chambers of my heart
Maybe Ah'll make an offering, and get to watch
Twilight eat a peach, and know that Ah love her.
This is just to say
Trixie has eaten
the peaches
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive Trixie
they were delicious
so great
and so powerful
[And apologies to William Carlos Williams]
Oh great... another one.
# exit stage left
If there's anyone in MLP who could fit into Prufrock's role, it's Macintosh. Fluttershy could be that tongue-tied, and Applejack could feel that far out of her league trying to win over someone of high status, but Macintosh is uniquely qualified to be someone thinking deep thoughts he doesn't dare to speak.
(Though I'm not sure status is the most direct way to speak to what Prufrock's song is all about. When I first read the original poem, I found it striking that Prufrock never identifies his listener's gender . . .)
3647294
That was just about the best kind of a reply I could have hoped for. It captures the spirit of this thing perfectly!
3650292
Good analysis, and I agree; Mac is the best pony for the part.
There is indeed something fundamentally Prufrockian about Mac.
Begin.
This could be pretty cool with some editing passes! There are definitely some excellent moments in here, both metrically (the first stanza's sky/by and the slant rhyme of memory, and streets/sheets; which liberate the poem somewhat from its original form and stake out new ground that makes it more compelling) and thematically (the contrast of fruits, which plays well with the original usage).
But there are a number of parts where it seems like quotable portions of the original words were used heedlessly, breaking the rhymes that made them work (in the halls the women come and go/ talking of michaelangelo; do I dare disturb the universe/decisions, revisions … minute will reverse). It was a little painful to see those robbed of their thunder and nothing of equal gravitas put in to replace them.
The incomplete ponification also caused problems keeping a consistent voice. You're presenting a Mac that is in turns canonically plain spoken, and then cuts loose with something like "Ah know my voice dying with a dying fall / Beneath the music from a higher sphere." Cutting loose some of the poem's original analogies and wandering further afield would help you here. (Same with the dragon-claws thing, which in the original sets up all the marine analogies of the final section, which you've omitted.)
Basically, if you want to revisit and improve it, rework it with a stricter eye toward what you take and what you keep, to make it more consistent. (You can probably also learn here from the criticism on Melt, which was instructive to me.)
Best,
H
4092265
Thanks for the commentary and critique!
This was pretty quick work, based on the "Twilight eats a peach" craze that went through the site back then, so it's no wonder that the rhymes break and the analogies are shoddy if they exist at all. So I very much agree that it could use a rewrite for consistency! Glad that at least some stanzas worked.
5681745 I'm well aware n_n. I just happen to enjoy the film version more.
5681750 Why are you not writing this?