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Wow.
One of the most moving stories I've ever read, and this is only the first chapter. I can't believe it.
Rainbow Dash is dying.
I don't know where you're planing to go with this. Twilight finally ready to show her feelings for RD, then this. Twi will be taking this worst. I can already see her pouring herself into studies, trying to find a cure. Night's spent without sleep.
Wether you plan for her to die (please don't), or to find a cure, I will be with this the entire way through.
You mentioned that you don't have any pre-readers. I'm already helping another pony with that (tyion), but I would like to help you with it. I didn't notice any errors in grammar or spelling, but I do have a few suggestions, the foremost being to get Fluttershy involved. Rainbow and Fluttershy have been friends since flight school, so I'm sure that she'll have deep feelings about her as well.
I don't like to do a lot of reviews, but some reason I feel compelled to share my thoughts:
The premise is very good, I enjoyed the setting and even where it appears to be heading.
I also feel that this is fairly well written especially if it's not being pre-read (which usually leads to bad story telling). The descriptive language I feel is adequate while not being too overly detailed (such as not going into vast detail to describe the vomit). I'm no "expert", but I can assure you that from what I've seen from other stories I've read this is a very good start.
Now for my problems:
Twilight's confession feels very sudden and abrupt, as does Dash's reaction. It's hardly addressed. On top of that, Twilight really doesn't build onto her reasoning for these feelings, or an idea of when they began, or anything really. We're left with "yup, she likes Rainbow Dash", and nothing more. I'm not really for or against Twilight and Dash being a couple or anything, but I feel that no reasoning is established for these feelings, and at this point they feel a bit unnecessary.
I would imagine Twilight admitting her feelings AFTER Dash got sick to be more powerful, but that's just me.
My second concern was actually the doctor. He's kind of an asshole. Tells Dash that her concerns are meaningless and then just pops out with "oh, you're going to die, so sorry." The conversation just didn't seem very powerful or doctor like to me. Plus he gets right in her face and says it? That's a little creepy to imagine if you ask me.
Only like 2 grammatical mistakes that I saw, but nothing to make it unreadable, as I'm no grammar nazi.
This is a very good start, and out of curiosity of where this will head, and hope that I will encourage a new writer to continue I'm going to be watching this, but I feel it only fair to rate it at a later time.
kinda hesitant to read this at first but now im really glad i did. for your first story its really well written especially since you have no pre-readers, i would gladly volunteer but im just not the guy for the job. anyways, i liked the idea of the whole thing and i cant wait for the next chapter!
pls don't read if you don't like to spoil the story.
i may be senseless, but as i read it, i didn't feel too bad. here's what i got from it:
Dash is gonna die, so maybe you'd like to tell us more accurately why. at least i wanna know that.
Twilight has feelings towards Dash. imokaywiththis.png
it let many questions unanswered. i hope you'll explain them soon in upcoming chapters.
btw i'll happily volunteer to pre- and proofread any of your fictions. if you're interested, mail me at pataking13@gmail.com
So far i have found this OK it could be pretty good but as others have said there are unanswered questions that will need to be answered,
Also i found a spelling mistake "but she needed to get the vomit our of her coat." just so you know.
I am looking forward to more.
Why must half the stories of my favorite pairings be filled with bittersweet and sadness? 
*sigh*
Good start, all the same, especially if you don't have any pre-readers. This feels inadequate considering the longer reviews above, but I'll definitely be following this one. Just don't take too long with Part 2, mmkay? 
Why must half the stories of my favorite pairings be filled with bittersweet and sadness?
*sigh*
Good start, all the same, especially if you don't have any pre-readers. This feels inadequate considering the longer reviews above, but I'll definitely be following this one. Just don't take too long with Part 2, mmkay?
this is a good story so far. a little blunt perhaps, but that you have been told before by others.
id like to where you will be you be taking this. also Cupcakes+secret ingredient, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. (And I approve)
But however i do have to disagree with the others "Please don't let Dash die" pleas. It would not be a proper sadfic if she ovecome the sickness.
PS: I do like the asshole doctor... Even if his way of acting towards a patient was less than proffesional.
PPS: Can't wait for the next chapter to see where your taking this.
dash is a girljavascript:smilie('
');
this... This just goes beyond my extended vocabulary to convey what I am feeling at the moment... The story leading up to the reveal was good, but I'm serious when I say this, it felt like I was in rainbow dash's horseshoes... I guess the only way to compare it properly, at least in my mind and no this has nothing to do with a certain fanfic that shall go unnamed, is like John from the saw movies... How he was issued his death warrant essentially and how he saw the world in an entirely different way. I do really want to see more of this.
FIRE ON
No my problem with the doctor is that he's out of character. I understand giving it to her straight, but she never ASKED for that, plus she clearly doesn't know this doctor, so he has no reason to assume she'd want him to be so straightforward.
It's not even that he's straight forward it's that he's just an asshole. Like he gets right up in her face and going "You're going to die". He doesn't use the kind of language a doctor would use. A doctor would say try to approach that situation indirectly and wait for them to ask the question. A doctor usually tries to make the patient feel better rather than just going, "you're gonna die, sorry."
Nooooooooooooo!
So this is the first fanfic I've read on here (except for "Cupcakes" but I do not want to talk about that one...) Anyway, I liked it and think it is well-written. I personally don't picture Twilight as a lesbian, but that's not gonna keep me from reading your story. 
yay!
First of all: Bravo good sir.
This is an excellent premise.
you have a good balance between action, descriptions and conversations. Not to much of either. (AND FORE THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LET THAT CHANGE)
you could use direct thoughts some more, but that is up to you. (I guess everything is, but you know what I mean)
lastly you should be consistent with the formalities. You use cursive when there is sound (the beeps), inside ' when there is direct thoughts and when you emphasize talk (three weeks?). You could use bold to your advantage.
All in all this was a great experience. Please do continue to write.
Quick Update:
The next chapter is turning out to be a lot longer than I suspected, (much longer than the first instalment) but rest assured, I'm working feverishly on getting it completed. Hope to have it out within 3-7 days, depending on how much time I can find. 
All, mad.
'); THANK YOU javascript:smilie('
I can't stand reading about my Dashie like this. I don't know what pulled me towards this story but even though I hate the plot it is extremely well written. I can already tell this won't have a happy ending, but I've made it this far, no choice but to finish it now.
I didn't notice anything about the writing, and the story was good. I'm eager to see if it's a happy or a sad ending, though I will drop a tear or two no matter which it will be.
The story is just awesome. Just awesome. I'll be waiting for the third part. Don't rush with that, the best production speed with art is slow and steady.
There are a few grammatical errors and interesting word-choices, but it's an easy to understand and intriguing tale. I'd like to know more about what's going on and why - we know very, very little at this point - as that would really help build atmosphere.
Happy or sad ending, I'm going to read it.
Oh no.
Please. PLEASE DON'T MAKE DASHIE DIE! 
This story is well executed so far, and I can't wait to see how gutwrenching it's going to turn out. I've only cried over 1 piece of text EVER (My Little Dashie 
) so if this succeeds, YOU ARE A GENIUS.
Anyway, it's great. I have a premonition I'm going to die of sadness. 
Dr. Asshole.... 
jokes aside, since RD is dying... Incredible story, though it broke me into 2 parts. 1: Hopes that Dashie dies (<--- sadistic bastard) and thus the story get's even more sad. 2: Hopes that Dashie gets well in whatever wierd way you can come up with.
P.S. Yes, i'm a sadistic bastardic asshole that feasts on sad stories, NOW GO AWAY!!!! 
Very good! Trevor approves of both you and your Pre-reader! As a pre-reader himself, Trevor is happy to say that one didn't really see much wrong with this chapter at all! There wasn't anything glaring, anyhoof. If there WAS anything wrong, it's only MAYBE punctuation. (Then again, if the story is good enough, and one has to read really fast, it's entirely possible for one to skip over mistakes, but anyhoof...)
Great job overall! Trevor will wait patiently for the next, final installment of this fic! (Though what's with the pic on EqD? It's a VERY misleading pic!)
~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
But Australia gave us Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, Butterscotch Sundae (the fanfic writer, not the dish), the "THIS is a knife" line, Steve Irwin, Bigger Than Cheeses (webcomic), the guy who played Maximus in Gladiator (his name eludes me right now), and some other cool things. So we can cut them some slack (Im American) except on their reoccuring ideas of filtering the internet in an attempt to prevent piracy, porn, and other such stuff on the Aussie internet. Internet filtering is not cool.
I honestly can't decide if I want this to have a happy ending just to satisfy my need for everypony to be happy all the time, or if I want this to end in a powerful and emotional bittersweet climax.
This is quite well written, and I can forgive the grammar/typos (I did notice more than usual, but then you explained it...). I don't know if I can be satisfied with any ending to this story as either way, I will want more.
I love this, there's nothing like a good sad story and this is one of the best i've read. Seriously, great job. I tracked it the moment I finished chapter 2. Seriously though, as far as sad pony goes, i'd rate this up there with Bittersweet, Painless, and Today Tomorrow and Forever.
Also, about chapter one where you said you didnt have any pre-readers, I know that feel. I've had to deal with lack of pre-readers for nine chapters now. It's not easy, and I commend you for writing such a good chapter without any.
>>19355 And I love Grim-Dark because of that! No friendship is ever stronger than when it has been tested, strained, tempered, and maybe even broken at times. To experiance the struggle, and to come out on top beside you're commrads, that's when you stop being friends and become a band of brothers (or sisters as the case may be).
This is a really good story! I only caught a few missing words, and maybe a sentence or two that didn't really feel right, but all in all, it worked really well. javascript:smilie(''); Also, the ending felt really rushed. I would definitely recommend going back and drawing that out a little longer whenever you have time.
I'm enjoying the shit out of this story even though shipping is not my main area of fanfic interest. You don't have to rush this. To use a game analogy "a late game is late only until it is released. A bad game is bad forever." Fight the fight and if you manage to survive the Hellscape that is Australia; write to your hearts content.
I have to say this was far more impressive than the first chapter.
The minor flaws of the first chapter have been forgiven in my mind, as this was a GREAT improvement, and you even were able justify the "asshole" doctor. (I can't help but feel like that was an indirect nod towards my comment, egotistical, but it made me laugh) He actually has more of a personality now, and I actually find him amusing in the situations he's presented.
The romance between the two feels FAR more natural in this chapter, though it ends on a bit of a saucy note, it's tasteful.
I am quite glad to say that this was worth my time. Excellent work, hope to see more soon.
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