Thyrai
Joined 21st Sep, 2011 ·
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Wow.
One of the most moving stories I've ever read, and this is only the first chapter. I can't believe it.
Rainbow Dash is dying.
I don't know where you're planing to go with this. Twilight finally ready to show her feelings for RD, then this. Twi will be taking this worst. I can already see her pouring herself into studies, trying to find a cure. Night's spent without sleep.
Wether you plan for her to die (please don't), or to find a cure, I will be with this the entire way through.
You mentioned that you don't have any pre-readers. I'm already helping another pony with that (tyion), but I would like to help you with it. I didn't notice any errors in grammar or spelling, but I do have a few suggestions, the foremost being to get Fluttershy involved. Rainbow and Fluttershy have been friends since flight school, so I'm sure that she'll have deep feelings about her as well.
I don't like to do a lot of reviews, but some reason I feel compelled to share my thoughts:
The premise is very good, I enjoyed the setting and even where it appears to be heading.
I also feel that this is fairly well written especially if it's not being pre-read (which usually leads to bad story telling). The descriptive language I feel is adequate while not being too overly detailed (such as not going into vast detail to describe the vomit). I'm no "expert", but I can assure you that from what I've seen from other stories I've read this is a very good start.
Now for my problems:
Twilight's confession feels very sudden and abrupt, as does Dash's reaction. It's hardly addressed. On top of that, Twilight really doesn't build onto her reasoning for these feelings, or an idea of when they began, or anything really. We're left with "yup, she likes Rainbow Dash", and nothing more. I'm not really for or against Twilight and Dash being a couple or anything, but I feel that no reasoning is established for these feelings, and at this point they feel a bit unnecessary.
I would imagine Twilight admitting her feelings AFTER Dash got sick to be more powerful, but that's just me.
My second concern was actually the doctor. He's kind of an asshole. Tells Dash that her concerns are meaningless and then just pops out with "oh, you're going to die, so sorry." The conversation just didn't seem very powerful or doctor like to me. Plus he gets right in her face and says it? That's a little creepy to imagine if you ask me.
Only like 2 grammatical mistakes that I saw, but nothing to make it unreadable, as I'm no grammar nazi.
This is a very good start, and out of curiosity of where this will head, and hope that I will encourage a new writer to continue I'm going to be watching this, but I feel it only fair to rate it at a later time.
Ponies discover Necrosis. Lovely.
Also, who wants to bet Dashie's reaction to Twi's kiss had less to do with being strait, and more to do with her insides turning to soup?
wyf
kinda hesitant to read this at first but now im really glad i did. for your first story its really well written especially since you have no pre-readers, i would gladly volunteer but im just not the guy for the job. anyways, i liked the idea of the whole thing and i cant wait for the next chapter!
11618
I'm with you on that.
I feel bad considering how long the other reviews are, but they sum up my feelings just fine. I'll stick with you through this one. Just don't lose your inspiration!
My my...that's interesting. Amazing story, need some more)))
pls don't read if you don't like to spoil the story.
i may be senseless, but as i read it, i didn't feel too bad. here's what i got from it:
Dash is gonna die, so maybe you'd like to tell us more accurately why. at least i wanna know that.
Twilight has feelings towards Dash. imokaywiththis.png
it let many questions unanswered. i hope you'll explain them soon in upcoming chapters.
btw i'll happily volunteer to pre- and proofread any of your fictions. if you're interested, mail me at pataking13@gmail.com
I am all up for some bittersweet TwiDash. Please don't let Dash really die though ;_;
Idk if I want to read this just yet, I prefer waiting for the other chapters, I often get in the moment, but then I have to wait, and I also read other stories, so I'll start forgetting about this one
So far i have found this OK it could be pretty good but as others have said there are unanswered questions that will need to be answered,
Also i found a spelling mistake "but she needed to get the vomit our of her coat." just so you know.
I am looking forward to more.
Why must half the stories of my favorite pairings be filled with bittersweet and sadness?
*sigh*
Good start, all the same, especially if you don't have any pre-readers. This feels inadequate considering the longer reviews above, but I'll definitely be following this one. Just don't take too long with Part 2, mmkay?
Why must half the stories of my favorite pairings be filled with bittersweet and sadness?
*sigh*
Good start, all the same, especially if you don't have any pre-readers. This feels inadequate considering the longer reviews above, but I'll definitely be following this one. Just don't take too long with Part 2, mmkay?
my god. beautiful. please add more, your a very talented writer
Give it time. Questions will be answered
By Celestia, this is a great piece of work. Especially for a new fanfic writer!
I have a feeling this is gonna end up with Twi saving her... That would be a good ending. Please don't make it sad.
12306
Personally, I'm all for the death of Dash. As long as Thyrai makes such an event meaningful.
DON'T think that I'm not a fan of Dash though, as she's actually my favorite.
this is a good story so far. a little blunt perhaps, but that you have been told before by others.
id like to where you will be you be taking this. also Cupcakes+secret ingredient, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. (And I approve)
But however i do have to disagree with the others "Please don't let Dash die" pleas. It would not be a proper sadfic if she ovecome the sickness.
PS: I do like the asshole doctor... Even if his way of acting towards a patient was less than proffesional.
PPS: Can't wait for the next chapter to see where your taking this.
the kiss was gay, rainbow
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@Everypony who thinks the doctor is an ass
I'm pretty sure Dash would've preferred the truth rather than saying that she has a chance of survival, especially since it's false hope.
Albeit, the doctor getting in her face and saying it was kinda ass-ish
Fantastic intro. Well done, my good sir/madam. You've increased my "have to read" burden to an even higher load.
I usually don't read any fan-fics, regardless of franchise, but something about the description on Equestria Daily made me check this one out.
I'm glad I did.
I cannot wait for more, good sir. This is pretty exemplary, and I love it...
It makes me sad, of course, but that's what I need right now. Thanks. :)
Everypony must meet their end. By whatever means necessary.
Nature's a bitch man
I hope dash survives
But really great job on the story so far cant wait for part 2!
W I L L N E V E R R E A D T H I S A G A I N
FIRE ON
GOOD SHOW, JOLLY GOOD SHOW!!!!!!
*eats*
should I remove my 'scream' post?
12498
No my problem with the doctor is that he's out of character. I understand giving it to her straight, but she never ASKED for that, plus she clearly doesn't know this doctor, so he has no reason to assume she'd want him to be so straightforward.
It's not even that he's straight forward it's that he's just an asshole. Like he gets right up in her face and going "You're going to die". He doesn't use the kind of language a doctor would use. A doctor would say try to approach that situation indirectly and wait for them to ask the question. A doctor usually tries to make the patient feel better rather than just going, "you're gonna die, sorry."
MOAR.
seriously, this story is great. i wasn't very happy with the shippy twi, since i'm not into shipping, but i must say this is an amazing work. please, do make more, this story is awesome.
CRY DEEPLY (Like a baws)
Please... continue this for the sake of my sanity
So this is the first fanfic I've read on here (except for "Cupcakes" but I do not want to talk about that one...) Anyway, I liked it and think it is well-written. I personally don't picture Twilight as a lesbian, but that's not gonna keep me from reading your story.
yay!
That's one hell of a heartwrenching story. Well written, no errors (at least, I didn't notice).
I can't wait to read more!
Love this!
*yay*
First of all: Bravo good sir.
This is an excellent premise.
you have a good balance between action, descriptions and conversations. Not to much of either. (AND FORE THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LET THAT CHANGE)
you could use direct thoughts some more, but that is up to you. (I guess everything is, but you know what I mean)
lastly you should be consistent with the formalities. You use cursive when there is sound (the beeps), inside ' when there is direct thoughts and when you emphasize talk (three weeks?). You could use bold to your advantage.
All in all this was a great experience. Please do continue to write.
That is so sad . . . don't let her die
First I'm like
(MOAR)
Then I read a little and went
Then thought
Next it was
Now I'm thinking
I hope more comes soon.
Quick Update:
The next chapter is turning out to be a lot longer than I suspected, (much longer than the first instalment) but rest assured, I'm working feverishly on getting it completed. Hope to have it out within 3-7 days, depending on how much time I can find.
I'm looking forward to seeing the next chapter. That it is longer is a bonus!
Keep up the good work! :)
Definitely can't wait to see how this all plays out.
DAMMIT! WE NEED MORE! I WANNA SEE IF RAINBOW WILL DIE OR NOT! IT'S TEARING ME APART!
All, mad.
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