Everything Wrong With: Something Sweet to Bite
By Knackerman
Spoilers
(duh)

Neither Pinkie, nor Twilight, seemed to think that they needed to be that severely punished

Unneeded commas. Ding 1

They’d just have to sit back and take the teasing from Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon yet again

The Cheerilee in this story really is incompetent if she's just going to let this happen. I get that she can't stop them from teasing the CMC when they're not in school, but from what SS was saying in chapter one, they live in different parts of town. How often do they see each other casually? Basically the bullies could be their worst at school because for some reason Cheerilee isn't going to do anything about it. Ding 2

Everything was still, there wasn’t even a breath of wind.

Once more. Ten sins for all of the comma splices. Ding 12

It’ll be sun down soon and we had

sundown. Ding 13

Are you ready to go?”

Wait, why would Apple Bloom be going with them to help pass out candy at Twilight's? She wasn't making candy with the other two ad Sugarcube Corner. And if Pinkie and Twilight lumped Apple Bloom in with them by association to the plan, wouldn't they have talked to Applejack about it? Then found out Applejack was dead? What's the timeline here anyway? I'm guessing it's the day after the CMC were caught and the Candy Mare was resurrected, or whatever, but that means that the Candy Mare killed AB and AJ that night, then this is the next day, because the first chapter happened at night. So where are Big Mac and Granny Smith? You'd think that if all four went missing, somebody would notice and find out. This is a creepy scene, but it adds a bunch more questions. Ding 14

Twilight was squeezing into her Nightmare Night costume as the first trick or treaters knocked at her door. After her Star Swirl the Bearded costume fiasco last year, she’d decided to go for a more subdued outfit. With a pair of glasses she’d borrowed a few weeks ago from Granny Smith and a white lab coat, she had made herself a Mad Scientist with little trouble

Wait, Twilight had to squeeze into a lab coat? Lab coats aren't form fitting, they're basically long jackets. Why's she squeezing into one? Ding 15

She leaned over the railing to see Spike, dressed as a Knight in Shining Armor, struggling with a hairy beast for possession of the candy dish.

This does not need to be capsed. Ding 16

“Hey, great Dentist costume Twilight!

Okay, I admit that I cracked a smile at that. Minus one sin. -ding 15

The thousand year old spirit of Nightmare Night is alive and its coming to gobble us up!” Screamed Pinkie Pie

Unneeded caps. Ding 16

said Silverspoon, trying to calm her down

Silverspoon instead of Silver Spoon. This is especially egregious because the author did it right in chapter two. Ding 17

The newcomer was covered in candy, from her head to her hooves. Every last part of her had a shimmering shining wrapper or sparkly sugar coating. Even her mane and tail looked like they were made from red and black licorice. She came to a stop just inches from Silver Spoon and stared at her with wide eyes that were hidden behind some kind of lollipop swirl lenses. The strange filly grinned, baring long sharp teeth. Each tooth had the yellow, orange, and white pattern of a candy corn.

Okay, gosh darn it, the design of the Candy Mare is brilliant. I love it. Minus three sins. -ding 14

She wasn’t a filly, she was a full grown pony; No, she was even bigger than that!

Ending a sentence with a semicolon instead of a period. Ding 15

The long sharp shards, of what looked like peanut brittle, snatched them up and dug deep into Silver Spoon’s tender flesh as she was lifted into the air.

Unneeded commas. Ding 16

In the last moment before she was ripped to pieces, she couldn’t help but think, “Thanks daddy.”

Wait, that's Diamond Tiara's dying thought? Even if it's sarcastic, DT is in too much pain to have her last thought be bitter. Ding 17 Also, the thought italics don't need quotation marks. Ding 18

She couldn’t see the lone trick or treater skipping merrily away in the thickening fog, nor the blood stains that trailed behind her as the street lamps flickered off one by one.

Creepy image, but how wouldn't Rarity see that much blood from what happened to DT and SS? It was pretty brutal. It would be like if a cop poked his head into Johnny Depp's room after Freddy got to him in A Nightmare on Elm Street and didn't notice the blood. Not happening. Ding 19

The rainbow wig hiding her hair, though her spectacles were still perched on her red clown nose.

Why wouldn't her spectacles be there? Why mention that? Ding 20

“I’m not a...nevermind!

Never mind is two words. Ding 21

“Nightmare Night! Oh what a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!” and a new verse, “Poison, drowning, claw, or knife. So many ways to take your life!”

The new verse is creepy, but saying that there's a new verse is unneeded. We get that information just by seeing the new verse, and it doesn't break the flow of the chant. Ding 22

A single tendril of liquorice reached out and snatched up a cute little colt. Was his name Pipsqueak?

Since this story is told from third person omniscient, then there is no reason to ask what the colt's name is. Why not just say he's Pipsqueak? Ding 23

more ponies became tangled up in the wreckage, or were literally crushed beneath the hooves of those who were trying to clamber over their prone forms. More and more of them became easy prey. From up on the stage, Twilight could see that many citizens were stomping one another to death in their struggle to escape from a fate they had never imagined. They killed one another in their eagerness to stay alive.

How? They're not boxed in! And how many of them are there? The show only had about two dozen or so during the Nightmare Night episode. There are plenty of directions for them to run, and they all choose to run into each other? Maybe one falls and gets trampled, but the story seems to indicate that a few ponies are dying this way, which doesn't make sense. Ding 24

The Candy Mare rallied, sending out another clawed appendage that flayed open one of Lyra's legs, but didn't have enough force behind it to do any real damage.

If you flay something you remove the skin. That causes real damage. Ding 25

“There’s only one way to get rid of candy on Nightmare Night.”

To Twilight’s horror, Pinkie Pie put her head down into the mud and blood...and started to eat. The candy crunched loudly between her teeth, but once she’d swallowed it down, the other bits of living candy seemed to slow.

Why would you do that? Why not burn it? Or literally anything other than eat it? The last time you had an idea about how to stop an evil entity, you summoned it. There are plenty of ways to destroy it. Heck, get Celestia and Luna over to destroy it! If it gets up again, tear it apart again. Ding 26

What they almost all had done.

This sentence reads a little weirdly, and I'm not really sure what it's saying. Ding 27

Technically they weren't guilty of cannibalism, but it was close enough that she feared many would be scarred for life by participating in that alone.

Actually, you totally are. If you ate one piece of candy that had a bit of pony flesh on it, that's cannibalism. Heck, so is eating the ones with blood on them. Ding 28

That was when she realized why Rarity looked so strange and puffy. Her body was nothing but marshmellow.

"Rarity is a marshmallow" cliche. Ding 29 Also, misspelling "marshmallow." Ding 30

“I...don’t know, Twilight. But I...don’t feel...so good.” The pink pony doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach as she retched up a gout of blood and candy. She collapsed into her own vomit and began to writhe on the floor in agony. “It hurts! Oh it hurts so bad! Twilight...help me...please help me!” To her horror, her friends skin began to crack, blood seeping from the fresh wounds and Pinkie’s eyes and ears.

This wouldn't have happened if you'd spent more time thinking about what to do to stop the Candy Mare than "none at all." Ding 31

Something new rose from the tattered ruin of what was once the Element of Magic.

I get that it's referring to Twilight, but it reads as though it's referring to the literal Element. Ding 32

The words turned into a gasp of shock. She knew what had happened to the Night Guard now.

Foxy got him.

Final sin tally: 32.
Final story sin tally: 171

Sentence...

...

...

Nightmare Night, what a fright, give me something sweet to bite. (Poison, drowning, claw, or knife. So many ways to take your life)