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BronyWriter
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Everything Wrong With: The Elements of Maternity
By Georg
Sins by BronyWriter
Spoilers

Duh

“You will find the hellspawn who did this to me and bring him forth so that I may bathe in his blood! He will writhe in exquisite torture for an eternity to experience one small fragment of what I’m feeling right now before I draw his still-beating heart from his chest and turn it to ashes in front of his eyes! Where is he? Bring him to me!!

Stealing lines from my mother from when she gave birth to me. Ding 1

“Hang in there, Twilight!” called out Pinkie Pie from the other room where she and her friends were gathered for love, care, support, and certain other things. “We’re all with you, even though we can’t come into the delivery room because the doctor is being a big meanie pants. Foalbirth is fun! Whoopsie, there’s another contraction.”

So Twilight gets her own room and the other five Elements all have to share one right next to it? I'll grant that I'm not an expert on Equestrian maternity wards (Saddle Arabian ones are more my specialty) but it seems needless that the other five are crowded into one room. I mean, they're all giving birth. There needs to be space for that. As it is, it's just here for the plot and some jokes. Having said all of that, I really do enjoy this story, so don't take my sins as a sign the author did anything wrong. I'm just a jerk like that. Ding 2

The pegasus in question was curled up in the midst of a dozen of her smaller and less-fanged forest friends, laying on a thick mat of straw in the corner of the otherwise spotless hospital room.

So Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash both got to make their own hospital beds? I mean, I get that it seems they're in some larger room (though again, I can't imagine what room would be big enough for five birthing mares that's also right next to a traditional one) but why couldn't Rainbow and Fluttershy just use normal beds? It seems to be a detail added to just keep with their character quirks. Ding 3

“Hello, Fluttershy. You’re progressing really well. Do you need any ice chips?

Frito-Lays takes it one step too far. Ding 4

After a moment, the nurse managed to gargle out, “Drugs. Can we have some drugs over here please? And some apple juice?”

Heroin is not good for mares during foaling. Ding 5

A week from now you’ll be out bucking trees with a foal carrier on your back, just like ah did with yer pa, and just like your ma did with you. Now shut yer yap and get to contracting. Ah’ve got sewing circle in an hour.”

Granny Smith is a dick to Applejacks. Ding 6

“Bring forth the sacrifice. And some ice chips. The appointed hour is nigh.

The story changes Twilight's dialogue from italics to bold. I get that it might be to show that she's taken her apocalypse speech up a notch, but it's kind of jarring. Ding 7 Also, while it is a funny bit, why would Twilight be asking for ice chips? She's been screeching about the end of the world and we find out later that Luna is using all of her strength to stop her from bringing that about. Ice chip quips seems out of place with that. Ding 8

Princess Celestia strode lightly into the waiting room turned birthing room and was greeted with various degrees of pleasantries from the five pregnant mares, including some rather non-ladylike profanity from Rarity, who had the misfortune of experiencing a contraction at the wrong time.

As opposed to lady-like profanity. Also, "referring to Rarity's foul moth as "un-ladylike profanity" cliche. Ding 9

“How is Princess Twilight progressing?”

An unearthly stream of demonic curses roiled the air and rattled the windows as a mighty voice bellowed, “There is no Twilight Sparkle, there is only the Goddess of Pain and Fertility who labors to bring forth the Destroyer of All Things!

Twilight would not have heard Celestia asking about her. Ding 10

“Luna, don’t be a drama princess,” called back Celestia.

"called back Celestia." Ding 11 Also, "drama princess." Ding 12

“Seems like she’s about ready to crown,” said Celestia contentedly. “I had better get in there and help Luna hold the dimensions together if we don’t want Tartarus turned inside-out.

Why weren't you in there before? What is more important than holding your reality together? Ding 13

“Lieutenant Broadhooves, please attend to the rest of the Element bearers until I return.”

“Yes, Princess.” The guard in question only stuck his head into the crowded delivery room for a moment, but Rarity gave out a shriek of agony at his appearance. A brilliant blue magical aura grabbed the unicorn by his horn before dragging him forcefully into the middle of the circle of delivering mares.

“You!”

Isn't it just the funniest coincidence that of all of the guards Celestia asked to watch the Elements she had to pick one who had impregnated one of them? Ding 14

Thirty-eight broad across the shoulders, size sixteen shoes, stout ankles. You were at the bar that night! Hurk!

The guard's name is not Hurk, and now I'm getting flashbacks of Far Cry 3. Ding 15

“Aaaahh!” screamed Rainbow Dash from above. “The contractions won’t stop and I’m still not going to beat Rarity.”

Wait, above? So not not only did RD get to make her own hospital bed, but it's one that most, if not all, of the doctors can't even get to? Ding 16

The mothers and assorted other relatives had been shooed out of the ongoing meeting and over to the Carousel Boutique under strict orders not to spill the beans before some proper parental princess planning could take place, pronto.

The mothers were shooed out of the room to Carousel Boutique? If it's saying the mothers of the Mane Six, only RD's mother was there. Ding 17

A very perceptive eye might have noticed a thin silver cord tied around Princess Twilight Sparkle’s foreleg and snaking its way across the short distance of floor in a rather indeterminate way, as if the restraint really did not extend fully into this plane of reality. The other end seemed to vanish under where the young stallion was reclining, and from his occasional nervous glances at it, one might infer that it might possibly have been tied to something he really did not want to lose in the event he were to consider a break for freedom.

Celestia allows this. Ding 18

The group of six friends, one sleeping dragon, and two elder alicorns

Oh, Spike's here now... because, I guess? He wasn't mentioned at all before this, and I can't see why he, or the father, would be able to go into Twilight's room as she was ripping open portals and other things that would have definitely gotten them killed. Ding 19

“Lieutenant Broadhooves is one of my Royal Guard, and I’m ashamed to admit, not among the list of young stallions who I suspected of being the father of any of your foals.”

Which makes it an even bigger coincidence that he happened to be there when the six gave birth. Ding 20

“It’s a surprise to me too, Your Highness,” admitted the young unicorn stallion. His eyes narrowed. “In fact, it’s a surprise to all of the Royal Guard in my squad. How could you keep something like this secret from us? All of the Elements of Harmony being pregnant?

How did this secret get kept at all? All six of Equestria's biggest heroes have been pregnant for a year. Did Celestia hide them, or something? All of Ponyville would have known about it, so how does that not spread to the rest of Equestria, thereby reaching the royal guard fathers? If all of the Kardashians became pregnant at once, the world wouldn't shut up about it for months, and the Kardashians are infinitely less useful and interesting than the Mane Six. Ding 21

“I got a whole bunch of books for coronation presents,” said Twilight, looking at the stacks of boxes alongside the wall of the suite. “We could have a reading party! It would be so much fun!”

Twilight's a ditz when it comes to her books, but I think even she would know that a reading party would not appeal to her friends, especially on the day of her coronation when they're all talking about how they're so excited they can't sleep. Ding 22

See, there’s a Background Poni spell for privacy,

Is the misspelling of "pony" intentional? Either way I'm sinning it. Ding 23. Also Skirts! Ding 24

as well as Spike’s and Luna’s whistling snores making a harmonic duet.

Snoring in harmony. Ding 25

“I don’t remember Starswirl making a contraceptive spell.”

“He didn’t,” said Princess Twilight Sparkle, who was attempting to hide her head under one wing, much like an embarrassed duck. “He did make a very effective conception spell, though.”

So then why did Rainbow say this:

“Starsworls Con-tra-cept-shun spell,” said Rainbow Dash

I mean, I get that Rainbow isn't the best reader of multi-syllabic words, but even she isn't that bad. I find it unlikely that she would pronounce it that way, and we know she wasn't reading something else since you just said that Starswirl didn't create a contraception spell. Ding 26 Also, did the "Starsworl" typo happen throughout the book? I thought it was just the front cover. Ding 27

The differences between a guard in armor and one in the mismatched clothes they wore off-duty always surprised the young officer,

Why are they dressing themselves at all? Wouldn't just going without clothes be more natural? Ding 28 Also, you forced me to write that sentence. Ding 29

It took a lot of concentration to pick them out, probably because of the cloaking spell you told us about, but after a suitable amount of oogling… I mean observation, I believe they’re who you said. Six smoking mares, presently unescorted by proper stallions except for a couple of college colts trying to hit on Fluttershy

How can the college colts notice Fluttershy? They're all under the background pony spell, so unless she talked to them first (unlikely) then they should look at her and not think twice about it. Ding 30

I’ve worked the castle for quite a few years and she’s a cute little bottle of nitro, if handled softly. Now that she’s a princess, I don’t think anything will have changed except for the size of the crater she’ll make when she goes off.”

So if you make her upset she'll destroy half of Canterlot? Ding 31

“Wait a minute, wait a minute!” declared Rarity, although she did not change her sprawled-out position as a wall of the foal corral. “You mean all of this time when I’ve been seeking a Royal who could match my grace, charm, and natural beauty, you had to order one to sleep with me?!”

“It wasn’t an order,” objected Broadhooves. “It was a… suggestion.

He didn't order any of his soldiers to sleep with the Elements, or even suggest it. It sounded like he merely wanted to keep an eye on them. He had no reason to order his men to sleep with the Elements. Ding 32

The majority of his petty cash supply had been distributed among his squad and seemed to be providing an effective level of social barrier lowering.

Why is he not fired for deliberately setting up this much sex with the Elements? Din 33

“Hi there, handsome,” breathed a presently potted purple princess, who perched precariously on the edge of his table and craned her head down to look at his book. “You sexy, sexy thing, you. Hiding away from me all this time. You’re a first edition, aren’t you?”

I absolutely love this line and smile whenever I read it. As such, I have no choice but to remove a sin for its hilarity. -Ding 32

“Barkeep!” he called out in a desperate attempt to keep his family jewels from decorating the Crystal Empire when Shining Armor inevitably found out. “Two vodka tonics over here, and keep ‘em coming!”

I though he'd given out almost all of his money. How is he going to fund his attempt to drink an alicorn under the table? Ding 33

“I think we went back to my apartment. Everything’s really fuzzy after the first dozen rounds.”

Alcohol poisoning. Ding 34

“Starsworl’s hangover relief spell had a few unforeseen consequences.

Again with the Starsworl! That was a typo on the cover! Ding 35

“classifying the pregnancies as Top Secret for National Security reasons may not have been the brightest idea in the world.

No duh, but how did you even pull it off? Who were you even trying to protect? The new fathers? Why?Ding 36

None of my squad breathed a word about what happened, and I certainly wasn’t about to. I didn’t have any idea what was going on until we showed up here and I started counting months.”

“Congratulations,” said Twilight dryly. “You can add.”

“And multiply!” said Pinkie Pie.

Okay, I'll give this story that one, too. Minus one sin for hilarious Pinkie quote. -Ding 35

Broadhooves looked rather surprised when Pinkie pressed a decorated cupcake against his hoof, but he obediently raised it up and recited, “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my — ouch!”

"Actually poking yourself in the eye during a Pinkie Promise" cliche. Ding 36

the fluffy little filly with the curly mane and coat striped in all the colors of the rainbow

Terrible foal design. Ding 37

“Bit for your thoughts.” Princess Twilight Sparkle had somehow slipped up beside him while his mind was occupied

And he didn't even need a sexy book this time. Ding 38

Back and forth went his eyes, and with every repetition, the look of nervous tension on his face was beginning to fade into acceptance, or maybe even anticipation.

Although Rainbow Dash may have lost the race to being first to deliver, it looks like she’s planning on making a second lap around the maternity ward far ahead of her friends.

Who says/thinks that last bit? Ding 39 Also, the new father wants to bang Dashie again. Fair enough, I suppose, but why would that automatically mean a foal? Ding 40

And, of course, Specialist Straight Laced was tearing around the room with Pinkie Pie.

Isn't it just perfect that the Mane Six each ended up with a stallion that was pretty much perfectly compatible with them? I mean, I know that when Broadhooves gave them their assignments that he chose ones that would work, but isn't it still a nice coincidence that he had perfectly compatible stallions to choose from? Ding 41

This is my daughter, who I really haven’t come up with a final name for either, and I’m certainly not going to call her Name To Be Determined.

You're passing up a good chance for a good Arrested Development joke if you give her a name other than TBD. Ding 42

Broadhooves held up a large hoof. “Please. Call me Bo.”

Bo. Ding 43

“A wonderful first step,” said Lieutenant Broadhooves. “For our second step, I believe we should get a large package of wipes.”

“Wipes?” echoed Twilight.

“Our daughter just peed on me.”

Cute ending, but the foal isn't wearing a diaper for this exact reason? When earlier in the story they said they used them? Ding 44



Final Sin Tally: 44
Sentence...

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Finding out you're a new father (and so are five of your friends!)

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