Hey there guys, I'm Vocal Brony although most of you can call me Edd or Vocal. Today I'll be looking at this interesting piece written by UnbreakableHeart. I'm one of the few Tragedy Commentators, so don't worry, I haven't gone all Agent 47 on you lot and disguised myself. I merely haven't been active, the reasons for this being... well, Borderlands 2 can get addicting, eh?

Anywho.

:-:Description:-:

it's been almost ten years since the Wedding of Princess Cadence and Shining armor
But it should be happy! Its not! Chrysalis has returned and has teamed up with Sombra to lay waste to equestria
but by now the main six are happily in love,and when Chrysalis breaks them up,they don't have the will to fight
So its up to Six new Heroes to fight! Who will they be? Read it!
I'm telling you the pairing upfront
NOTE: Besides RariSpike I do not like pairing main cast characters together
Twilight x Orion
Rarity x Spike
Soarin x Rainbow
Fluttershy X Bigmac
Applejack X StarBurst
Pinkie x Pokey pierce

From the get-go I assumed that "Broken Heartstrings" was a story about ponies with relationship issues, rather than persay, a story based around ponies exploding into puddles of goop as their tendons rip themselves asunder. As a personal preference, I'm giving this story a tiny +1 for making me think that amazingly horrible scene. It has a grand total of one thousand and sixty seven words; a bite-sized piece of late night reading.

Immediately as I plunge head-first into this story with my clipboard and corporate pens in hand, I notice that's it's directly trying to be happy. It's not the kind of atmosphere I'd get from generally reading however, I'm literally being told, "It was a sunny day in the town of Ponyville,It was a beautiful day outside."

You may have noticed the green mark there, but that'll be covered later. For now lets focus on our main story ideals. Writers should strive to show rather than tell, and this is very much a telling scenario. It's the difference between understanding that the day is cheery through the setting, and actually being slapped with a salmon and having the words "It's a beautiful day" engraved in your memory. (Memory-banks if you happen to be a robot.)

The story does a good job at staying consistent with tense throughout and has a fairly well done execution of the third person, the only issue I really had with the actual third person narrative was that it merely fell flat. The characters felt dull and uninteresting, I couldn't become involved or interested; not because the story was lacking, but more because it needs more thorough execution.

Although I could tell what was going on throughout the story, the author didn't help me as much as I'd have liked. Their speech was far too brief, often lacking in textual detail or basic context. It was very much as if I were reading a stripped down play-write's first draft. The scenes were far too consistent and at one point, a Dues Ex Machina occurred; seeing Luna turned to the 'dark side' (I use this term loosely...) in a mere three lines.

There are some painfully obvious author OCs included in the "shipping manifest" within the description, seen cuddling and snuggling and trotting and... ugh, it would be okay if I was actually told who the hell these ponies were! This entire story is of the understanding that I know what the OCs and show characters look like. What if I'm blind and this is being read to me? What if I'm colour blind? Am I supposed to believe Twilight Sparkle is an omnipotent cloud or something?

Overall, the plot line was fairly decent but needs a more invested and accurate execution to, in my rather critical opinion, feel anything like a story. As it stands this fanfiction is a very bare string of lines and hodge-podge plot points. My advice as to how to improve this would be to include more complex sentence structures, actually use paragraphs more than once in a blue moon, and to utilize sophisticated language. This way, your story will read much, much better and be far better in terms of contextual clarity as well.

The flow of this story was extremely all over the place, to put it bluntly. One second Chrysalis is walking in Ponyville town, next minute she's all the way out by the Everfree Forest with Sombra enacting a ploy on both their beneficial behalves. The easiest way to improve flow is to involve a lot more scenes in which the character(s) can interact with others or, as the case may be, amongst one another. The more time you give them, the easier the flow and the more depth the story will hold. Don't overdo it however; something like a 20,000 word chapter of trotting n' chattin' is only achievable by... well, Fallout: Equestria has done this in enjoyable styles before... but as a newer author, I'd strongly advise not to attempt this.

I'm fairly certain that with this story the author had been aiming for a sad, malicious and 'evil' scheming feel; with tragic backlash for characters becoming 'associated' with the protagonist(s). However...

...the mood I personally received from this piece of work was, in all fairness of the word, lacklustre. The dodgy flow, uneven characterisation, vague and sometimes non-existent background context and perhaps, in my flawed opinion, cliche storyline (again, this is my opinion)... just, really let this story down. I can see that the author has tried here, dipped her toe into the literate waters; and I hate to be the piranha that bites off a chunk, but without a stern ol' carnivore like me you won't learn not to stick your toes in this part of the ocean.

As I've said numerous times before in this review, you would benefit strongly from expanding your word count and adding more contextual narrative. Don't tell me, "It was a beautiful day outside." I want you to expand, to grow, to share your ideas like artwork...

"Beaming rays of golden sunlight graced the slopes and inclines of the countryside, and there, sat the ever beautiful Ponyville; the citizens soaking up the summer grace and smiling in gleeful harmony."

The effect between these two sentences is so vastly different yet they are giving off the exact same idea. It's beautiful... how our language can be so incredibly vast. And it's up to you to utilize it, as a tool, carve the stone into an epic homage to your inner creativity! The story could be so much better if you only added more detail, and trust me, it's not hard. When writing, try looking at certain words with a critical eye. Don't use "she", have "the bubbly young lass" or "the lovely old baker."

I had intended to make a list of the errors I found with explanations, proper examples and advice; but that became far too tedious and I simply gave up. It would have included green text for punctuation errors, red for spellings, blue for text coherency and purple for stuff that was okay but dodgy to read. Instead, I'll have to settle with giving this story a grade and explanation. I had planned on doing a drinking game based on errors, but decided I'd rather get smashed (or not) on camera, rather than over a keyboard. So if I ever get my hands on a cam-corder, expect that.

D-: The reason I'm giving this story such a low grade is because, frankly, the errors here are basic at their core. It's getting a minus because I feel it isn't atrocious, and doesn't warrant a private grading. Capital letters, spacing and proper use of sentence structure were massive hassles throughout this story; with the bulk of my issues being placed on structure of sentences, rather than the ideas behind them.

The majority of my tips have been included above, but as always, the author of this work or any others can come to me via PM for advice. However the only tip I have left out is a more personal one, so, prepare thy buttocks or suitable posterior.

Obviously I have my own work, and it's pretty popular which is good; but it wasn't always good. When I first released it I had higher dislikes than likes and my throat was having load after load of critical paragraphs being force fed. However, I didn't take any of it with despair or distaste; and neither should you take this review as that. A moral I've always lived by since I discovered it personally, is that "No matter who, how, why or whatever it may be; your biggest critic will always be your biggest fan, going to extreme measures to see you go far."

:-: Needing heavy improvement :-: — Although this writing might appeal to someone who's just browsing through, under a critical eye it can't hold the cut. Nice enough ideas, although not my taste, but executed poorly and vague enough to be opaque in comparison to the title. With enough help and support this could be improved drastically, and I'm sure the author can with the correct guidance, but for now... it needs some edits, or rewrites as the case may be.

This was my very first review for a piece of literature and my first post on these forums, so I'm excited to see what you think. Too harsh? Not harsh enough? Spot on? It's all up to debate, and I'll happily receive and discuss comments below. For now, this review is over, and my monster can is only half drained.

Have a good one,
~ Vocal

My self-proclaimed position as the toughest reviewer in the group now feels threatened.

2774236

Ohohoho, I have the self proclaimed tough guy reviewing my story? Damn, man, I look forward to your review slaughter of my slap-dash work!

Until then, don't feel threatened... think of me as a... rival? c:

2774136
Well, fancy meeting you here.
Too bad I don't write Tragedies.

Well, not stories centered on them, anyways...

2774136 Handled very well, I love how you gave the author plenty of advice and effectively pointed out all the areas needing improvement!
2774236 You can be the toughest dark story reviewer instead of all around toughest! lol

2774287

Golden-ding? What are you doing here? Have thou no shame?

Write some tragedy so that I can tear it apart pls.

2774312

Thank you ever so kindly! I equally enjoyed your own earlier review, it was very good at showcasing some finer elements of the story! I'm glad my 'unique' style has approved to people, as I was afraid I might come off as too harsh.

2774425 I don't believe you were harsh, I believe you were honest, fair, and kind. Giving plenty of suggestions and even offering additional support outside the review!

Thanks for liking my review! I admit I'm one of the "nicer" reviewers and I'm working on toughening up a little lol.

We are here to pleasantly help authors find places for improvement and also give them the comment or opinion they have been looking for. Again well done!