The Tailor and her Recurring Customer: Part 1

By: Dancewithkinves

Review by: Cromegas_Flare

Reviewers Tags: Teen for Dark concepts, language, and Adult themes.

I would like to first send my apologies to Dancewithknives, this Author had turned in a story since the beginning and had waited patently for their story to get reviewed. In circumstance, the wrong story was submitted, so having resubmitted the correct story to get reviewed with high priority. I, being a space cadet, forgot about this story. Then being reminded of my word, I started to read it only to be caught up in some work to help this group grow. So I extend this apology with hopes of having a satisfactory review. And I must say, I loved this story quite a bit. So....

???????

Mr. Flares Commentary, Minor Spoilers!

Now, before I start. I want to share my first thoughts on what I thought this story was going to offer, so have a Copy Pasta!

Well, I see the tittle rather descriptive, yet overly long. I only hope that it holds to the questioning feel that it offers. I am looking through the description, so here it is.
,

Rarity Belle is a successful Businessmare In Ponyville. From wedding dresses to costumes, sundresses to business attire, she has made masterpieces for each and every one of her customers that fills them with awe and wonder at her talents while still maintaining affordable rates.

Rarity had serviced many customers in the past, but there is one in particular that is unlike any other...

So, we have a costumer that is mysterious, Just like the tittle said.... Now, I shall read.

Chapter one:

Ah, sweet sister bonding time with promises made, yet under the natural order of things, made broken.

"Reading through the papers might be important!"

That reaction to when her bell rings, that should tell you how nerve-racking this story will be.

Yet ends on the line "I need a new suit" Rarity, I thought you were closed for the night?

Chapter 2: Confidentiality

Now, this is interesting? Having a flashback all in Italics ... I know many readers have a problem with this, but It makes sense to me. It is also the more approved way of doing things, as apparently taught in my creative writing class. I like it.

Oh! I want to comment on this, I saw it coming! It was probably best to let the mystery in his name linger, yet how you pushed through it spelled out a good revel any way. I assume this is because you want the story to be around something ells that includes his name as only a device to inflict question. It worked, yet I found it a bit weak.

OH! a flash back to the present, and the Italics are gone! {No, I did not find teh Italics distracting, just noticeable. Helping recognize the change.}

Short, but ya, he did say he needed a new suit.

Chapter 3: Service

She was not alone tonight.

Implying that Sweetie Belle is in some form of danger? Reads on.....

Note: Guest is distracted, Sweetie goes down stairs, Rarity Freaks out..... more is there then what meets the eye.

“Okay,” she answered with an evil sneer. “If you say so…” before slowly walking back up the stairs and turning to her sister’s bedroom, towards the unguarded nest of imported mane cleansers that were practically begging to be abused.

..... Well, Sweetie Belle is going to have fun.

and into the flash back.

And expiation to commonly confused races. The Alicorns, and the Winged Unicorns. There is a difference, learn it!

Of course Rarity goes into a fantasy.... expected, even in dire circumstances like burnt hat coco... unless she turned of the stove?

And that is the end of the third chapter, I'll end my commentary here. I want to read on with this, though it might take me a few days.

Before I start on the Rubric portion, as to my choice. I would like to point out some things that need to be said before hand. This story, though it did not make me think deep. Gave a powerful feel of intensity, at least it did to me. So lets get on with the meat of the points!

Execution/Presentation

The story for the most part, was told in a Third Person Point of view. Mainly "Rarity's" Point of view. It did however change a few times. Represented in the all knowing 3rd person style we have come to love.

Through out the whole story, the 3rd person aspect stayed solidly. Leaving no confusion to the reader. Though the initial POV would change, the style stayed the some. If someone were to get confused, they either are to tired to read, or cant read. I would go for the prior, that is the most logical. If you can't read, this story is not for you since you are to young.

Overall style was somewhat consistent until chapter 9. Then things go from anyone who likes a dark story can read this to.... well... unusually violent with colorful metaphors that I found unnecessary. (My opinion! Some people are able to get the realism in the style, I am just immune to that logic.)

So, if you want a good mystery, read to chapter 8. It is clean up to there. After that, viewer discretion is advised.

I even found it relevant to notice that Consistency to style stayed through out the whole story. Even when it lost its mystery, it still had a grasping hook. "Who is this guy?" Is never confirmed, yet clues are placed everywhere. I can't wait for Part 2.

Now, when it comes to Flow,.... I found it quite smooth for a read. Detailed, but not over bearing. Anyone could read this and understand what is going on. There is not much I can say to improve this. The writers style is unique, with utilizing flashbacks, and holding intensity. To fully know what I mean, one would have to read the story.

Mood:

When reading through this story, I felt a sense of unease. Not necessarily of fright, or being scared. Just unease. Being nervous to what was going on. Questions like "Is he who he says he is... yet he says nothing" "Is Rarity being just paranoid?" "Good guy?...Bad Guy?.." Simple questions like that will pop into your head.

For the most part, I got that Mood. It was written well up to chapter 9, then the mood was lost. I felt like I was watching a Tough Pony. I felt nothing to who this pony was, yet wanted to know more. And I know Dancewithknives is going to explain more in her sequel. (I judge gender by cover photo, unless said otherwise.)

The one thing I would suggest to keep the mood, is always do something unexpected with the Customer, I won't give the guys name, yet his reaction to the thumps upstairs was about the only thing. Having a BA who is unpredictable is better then a predictable one. It is up to you, you created the character so you know him more than me.

Grammar

Ya, I found a few errors in capitalization, and punctuation. Just like there will be some in this thread.

I also found this in Chapter 6

he craved the attention and would do anything to do it.

And this in Chapter 12

when we got backshe promised to play

- Intentional.

All in all, I found no other grammar errors that really distract from the story.

-A

SALT:

I enjoyed the story, and have no regrets reading it. However, the sudden change from chapter 8 to chapter 9.... I still don't know how to take that. I loved everything from chapter 1 to 8. I had a good understanding as to why the chapters where the way they where, and It put questions into my head. Yet in presentation to those later chapters.... All the feeling built up before hand just gone, "Poof" gone.

I feel that the segment it self could of been a short compilation in another story. Keep Sweetie's Diary though, I loved that!

SUGAR:

I enjoyed everything to do with the mystery here! The uncertainty causing discomfort, especially in ones own home. Well presented and executed there. Makes you wonder if the guy is safe, yet you know not to trust him. Even to the end I had one theory that was proved right! I think it also links to why he goes to Rarity's shop instead of any other. All in all, I have no regret reading this story, and is one other people should read!

Rating

Earned a Fav from me. It was the last few chapters that lost the higher rating. Still does not change the fact that the story is well worth your time. No regrets with this one.

This is Mr. Flare signing off! Until next time.

2764380 I'll have you know good sir and/ or madam, I am a MAN!

Also, I had several goals with this while writing. One was to make a realistically dark world, but not turn the M6 into commandos like many people do.
Next, the type of horror i wanted to do was like you said, unease. I ised to work at a cellphone store to pay for college, and i tried to explain a bit of a interaction with a customer where you just don't feel right. Like they are being douchey or are just monopolizing time, or like what happened to me a few times, they come in strapped with guns.

And lastly, the story originlly ended with Untitled 2. The rest was just some extra that I wanted to do to tease about the sequel, but i see how some action may make people turn off, but there is some complexity underneath it all. There are a ton of plot points and hidden reasons for most of the details in the part with the pirates.

Also, "Psycho" was awesome. Admit it.

Either way, thanks for the revizzle.

2768765

I'll have you know good sir and/ or madam, I am a MAN!

I will now know you as such

Next, the type of horror i wanted to do was like you said, unease.

Which was excellently done! Can't wait for the sequel.

And lastly, the story originlly ended with Untitled 2. The rest was just some extra that I wanted to do to tease about the sequel, but i see how some action may make people turn off, but there is some complexity underneath it all.

I should of mentioned that you wrote the Untitled extremely well. Just was a rough piece to the picture, yet those with open minds.... will be the ones truly able to appreciate the masterpiece you have done. (I say this because you should consider this a masterpiece!)

Now, I will have a restful night, and you sir. Have a wonderful time! Looking forward to your next story.

Mr. Flare

2769626 also, the typo you pointed out in ch 12 was intentional.

2770615
Glad to know then, I was wondering about that.

2771240 also, somebody down-voted you for the review. There must be one mad bro out there somewhere.

2771262
I am used to down votes, comes with the job, also the fact that I have excepted my fate as the wort person in history. (Probably the commentary that set it off, I suck at commentaries.) You did not do that did you No, you are to honorable for that (Joke)

Anyway, keep me updated on that sequel.

2771285 alright. I never downvote posts anyway. I think the system is dumb, all it does is show that someone disagrees with someone else, but can't prove any reason why.

2771296
That is why I like the facebook system a wee bit more. If I down vote something, I'll leave a comment behind. The reason has to be more then my wounded opinion to. Yet, in the end.... I know whose opinions I trust most.

2771316 i dont know if you know this, but Between Needles and Knives is the second part. It isnt done yet.

2777465
I know, that is why I am waiting until it is done. (Unless you {Re}submit it sooner) That can go without saying though. Though if you want someone ells to review it, I understand jk.

Like I said, looking forward to it.