The Voices of "hey'

By Cromegas_Flare

Reviewed by Rinnaul

It's so nice to be able to actually link the story in one of my reviews. Oh, Dark folder, why must you be the realm of Mature tags?

From the Top
Green Grass is a stallion who has an important but mundane job. However, after an accident, he begins to hear voices. At first they only demand his attention, but gradually, they begin to demand he take action.

The story is a very short one, so there isn't much to say here.

We set the scene with a cute reference to Button's Adventures, but which goes on for a bit too long, relating the entire sequence from the animation, then we head into a little bit of Slice of Life to set up the events of the story. After this point we get regular shifts between first-person and third-person, which actually could have made for an interesting effect were they used to highlight the things Grass is thinking for himself versus the things the voices tell him, but as it stands they're random and apparently accidental.

There's a sudden jump to the Everfree, and we get some interesting ideas about how the forest is kept in check, but they come a bit out of left field and are never expanded upon. As the story continues, the voices progress from being a simple nuisance to demanding that Grass "get her for us". The change did serve to escalate the story, but it didn't feel like it built up at all, and the mood suffered for it.

The opening paragraphs are also repeated nearly word-for-word in the middle of the story. I imagine this was intended to emphasize a point through repetition, but the segment is too long to flow naturally that way. I at first thought it was an editing mistake, pasted in on accident, but the wording does change from the first time, so it must have been intentional. Finally, leaving the conclusion vague and incomplete does leave the reader wanting to know what Green Grass was actually going to do, but when a work leaves the readers asking questions, the intent is usually to have the questions be thought-provoking rather than frustrating. As it stands, I feel like I've only gotten half of the story.

Mood
It's difficult to pin down a particular mood for this one. It has some sense of rising tension, but the shifts in perspective, repeated lines, and sudden jumps interrupt things and break up the flow it need to properly build that up.

Grammar
This is an area where the story suffered. Spelling mistakes are frequent ("trate" and "carcase" instead of "trait" and "carcass" stood out), there are a few instances of homophone confusion (using "site" instead of "sight"), words are needlessly capitalized, and there is an overabundance of commas.

Style
Shifting perspectives and some peculiar sentence structure and word choice decisions made the story confusing and difficult to read. They could probably be worked into a positive feature of the story, but it would take some effort.

Final Verdict
A two out of five.

I was considering marking it a one, between the shifting perspective, grammar flaws, and the incomplete feeling. However, I also think this story, cleaned up and extended, would make for a very tense and enjoyable Darkfic. I gather from his comments that Flare wrote this based on some personal experience, so I'm not certain he'd even be willing to extend it, but I, at least, think the potential is there.

Two out of five? Damn, I really hope my fics don't come on here.

2729325
If you don't want a two out of five, make sure your stories are good.

2729770
I think the better statement would be "the score is for your writing's benefit, not your ego's".

2729325
No worries there, you have to add them yourself. Still, you should never be afraid of criticism.

I'm sure I'm one of the harsher reviewers in the group, but I also try to be honest without being condescending. This story has potential, but it also has numerous spelling and grammar mistakes, a large section that is a point-by-point recap of someone else's work, multiple shifts in perspective that distract from the plot, and a simple feeling of being incomplete. I feel like I've read the first chapter of a longer story, and am waiting for the real action to get started.

My goal is to both highlight the bad so the author knows where he needs to improve, and highlight the good so the author knows what's working (and to encourage potential readers to have a look for the sake of those good points).

Personally, were this my project, I'd pick up an editor to clean it up for me, either adopt a single PoV or use the changing perspective to highlight the narrator's mental state (i.e., third-person during normal action to show how others see this supposedly-healthy stallion, first-person when he's dealing with the voices to show his inner conflicts - it's unusual, and frowned upon by most writing guides, but could work well here), slow down the pacing to help show the escalating demands of the voices, and then continue the story with Green Grass giving in and actually doing what they wanted him to. Judging from the nature of the demand, and the references to her in parts of the story, I suspect that would be "foalnap and do awful things to Fluttershy".

And that sounds like an awesome story, and I don't think this is terribly far away from being that.

But like I said in the review, Flare indicated that this story (and a few others of his) draw on personal experience, so I'm not sure if he'd be willing or even comfortable changing it that way.

2729319
Well thank you for your review. I still felt good after reading it, so it does not bother me much that is on the lower scale.
Well done.

2729325
Don't worry, only you can decide to submit your fics. I asked for this one, and in truth... I got tired of writing it. I got to shaken up and otherwise disturbed writing it, so I just cut it off abruptly. I still get shivers down my spine.....

2730509
I might work on it later down the road, and when I do... I'll refer to this thread for tips and Ideas.

2729770

I wouldn't call them special, but considering what people say about them, they are considered good to very good.

2729319
Also feel free to skip memorioums of a mad pony.

2731464
Skip entirely or come back to it later after I do some other authors first? Because I was planning on the latter, coming back to it after "Never Too Late" and "Last Night".

2731503
I removed it from the folder. It is pretty much what you read in Within Tartarus, but I refined it and published it as the original. Less graphic, and more smooth. I just don't want to burden you with reading the same thing.