The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! 1,287 members · 149 stories
Comments ( 7 )
  • Viewing 1 - 50 of 7


Beyond the Vale
[Dark] [Comedy] [Adventure] [Alternate Universe]
[Princess Celestia] [Princess Luna] [OC] [Other]
By Slip Kid

Canterlot Castle: a place of wonders and revelations, countless advances having been made within its sturdy walls. One such advance is scheduled to take place, a long-range teleportation spell. However, due to exhaustion, irritability and general incompetence the unicorn testing the spell is flung into places unknown...

Mood


My Summary: After a failed attempt at long-range teleportation, Firebrand ends up exactly where he doesn't want to be—swinging on a vine forty hooves above the ground in the Everfree.

With his companion Bright Light nowhere to be found, he's going to have to make sense of this mess he's gotten himself into on his own. Wish him luck. He'll need it.


When grossly overgeneralized, the story as a whole flowed pretty well. There were a few walls of text that were a little bit difficult to stomach, and semicolons were overused, but there wasn't anything that truly disrupted my immersion in the story. The 'mysterious' vibe the story gave off remained pretty consistent throughout, so no gripes there. :moustache:

Grammar

I'll give him/her a 4.5 out of 5 for grammar. While he/she used semicolons correctly, they should definitely be used more sparingly. They kinda threw me off a little bit when reading. If the author lessened up on the semicolons—and don't be offended by this, I do the same thing with em dashes—they would have easily earned a 5 out of 5. There really weren't any errors other than that.

All things considered, it really wasn't all that bad. Nothing that stopped me from enjoying the read.

Style

The author likes to put the important detail in the subjunctive clause of the sentence, so when you're reading, all of the sudden, it's like BAM!

For example:

He eventually decided that he would just have to see for himself, so he hauled himself up, hardly noticing the flames dancing behind him or the smoke curling through the trees.

Honestly, it's like a slap to the face. The good kind, of course.

Pretending I didn't just write that, I can honestly say that I really enjoy the author's writing style. I already follow Slip Kid, so I can say this isn't the first story I've read of his, nor will it be the last. I look forward to seeing more from him/her.

Rating

I'd give this story a solid 8.8 out of 10. :moustache:

If the he/she fixed up the dreaded 'walls-o-text', lessened up on the semicolons, and spiced up the dialogue a tad bit more, the story would easily earn that coveted 10 out of 10.

While these issues were present, they certainly did not distract me from what is shaping up to be an excellent story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I think you would to. Give the story a shot. You won't regret it. :rainbowkiss:

2697295

Thanks for the review!:pinkiehappy: And yes, I do know I need to ease up on the semi-colons :ajsleepy:

2697327 No problem!

And honestly, the semicolons aren't much of a big deal. The only reason I noticed it was because I do the same thing, and my english teachers chase me up a wall about it. Because I have to watch out for them myself, I've started noticing them other places. It probably would've just breezed right past anybody else. :twistnerd:

2697343

I think quite a few are holdovers from when I re-wrote it. I mean, I didn't really re-write it in that I added to what was already there. Still, a problem's a problem. :pinkiehappy:

2697353 If you really wanted to, you could probably just do control+f and then search semicolons. Replacing them with a period and capitalizing the next letter would do wonders. :ajsmug:

2697363

Hmm, didn't know you could do that, thanks for the tip!:pinkiehappy:

2697369 No problem!

  • Viewing 1 - 50 of 7