Twilight Sparkle is dead.

After getting stabbed through the heart during a trade negotiation with the Griffon Kingdoms, Twilight Sparkle finds herself in the afterlife, where she sees her worst nightmare: Discord. Discord, however, gives her the chance to change her fate, by going back in time and changing events. But will Twilight have to suffer the consequences of her actions? Will the future change for the better, or will Twilight have to go back again to set things right?

Yes, based of the Star Trek episode 'Tapestry'

When I first claimed this story, I really did not see at first what inspired the story until the first two lines of the description. And imagine my laughter when I realized I was not to shocked about this whole thing. After all, we have Q and Discord! If you don't know the link between the two... well, do yourself a favor and google the relation.

However, as to reading the description as well, you should know that I know the episode 'Tapestry' very well. That also means that I could be a bit more critical with this event crossover of a story. But If you do well, then I might just enjoy it.

Now, let us begin!

Narrative and Execution:

So, the story was pretty much like what the show had entitled. Twilight Dies, and Discord gives her a second chance in life by changing one of her regrets. An Idea, in which pulled of correctly, that would be great. This story came short of that, at least for me.

Twilight's regret is supposedly chosen by Discord, with much manipulation and quick chatter. Something that does not happen in the show. Difference right there, but hey, different is good right? Well, only occasionally, this is not that case. I would of loved to see more dialog between Twilight and Discord. I actually would of like to see a bit more between Twilight's thoughts and her friends when she travels back in time do when her brother gets married, or also known as the Changeling invasion. (The moment of her regret... supposedly.)

Push comes to shove, and well, Twilight finds an alternate way to defeat Chrysalis, and returns to normal time... as in present with consequence. She is not who she is anymore, simple as that, yet felt a bit forced. There was not allot of information given. Why did all her friends hate her? How did that actually happen? Questions like these are left to the reader without a satisfying answer, rather than an decent explanation of why Rainbow hates her, Rarity as snobbish around her, and Fluttershy being completely disappointed in her. That moment just felt empty.

We could say the mane verdict there is a lack of show, and an abundance of tell. The balance there being completely thrown off, that a reader can not feel anything while reading this story. I for once could not connect to any one character. Not even Discord. There was so much potential, but the characters where hardly written to themselves but were more portrayed as husks. Except when Twilight get obsessed on getting done what she needs to get done. Leave it to Twilight to make a full-proof plan.

The other thing I found missing was emotion. The largest thing to the Star Trek episode 'Tapestry' was the emotion Jean-Luc was going through. He was living a part of his life where he had friends, and he cared about loosing them... during the fact, not after. This story had none of that, well, it did, but just a small recognition. Something most readers would go 'ok, what's your point' too.

Despite all that, there were some good things. Like some consistencies and references.

I rather enjoyed the fact that Twilight still saw herself as an Alicorn, much like how Jean-Luc saw himself as old. But every one else around them saw their younger version, their being the younger versions of Twilight and Jean-Luc. Good job there.

There where some other things in the story I remembered and enjoyed, and I can praise those things.

Hey, I actually found two things, plus a passive comment.

What Discord says after Twilight's first rejection.

“Discord gave an amused chuckle,”Oh, Twilight! You so crazy!”

Two things in here. There needs to be a space between the comma and quotation before "Oh". Also, unless you are trying to make Discord sound like a person who is still trying to grasp the speech of English, "You" should be "Your"

Then there is Starswirl's first words, and last...

““Hello Twilight. I’m sorry I had to meet you like this, when it you were so young.” Starswirl said”

You have an extra 'it' that makes no sense between when and you. Major road block there, stuttered my reading pattern big time.

Also, back to a correction that was mentioned first. Be sure to check the spaces between a intro into each quotation. There are countless times where the we have something like this {word,"dialog" more words} When it should be like this {Word, "dialog." more words}

So, looks like we had a lot more salt this round that usual. Do know that I'm only trying to help you become a better writer, and not trying to discourage you from writing. Keep at it, and never quit writing.

My verdict?

Also, unless you are trying to make Discord sound like a person who is still trying to grasp the speech of English, "You" should be "Your"

That's the joke.

Also, wouldn't the correct english be "you're"?

I'm not sure what's funnier: that he missed the initial reference or that he got the correction wrong...

3613722
Ya I goofed... I'll own up to it.