My Little Porno: Fluffing is Magic
By theboyconnor

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Okay, this thing actually got a very thorough WRITE review, so a lot of the more in-depth things I’d normally cover would just be repeating their commentary. So I’ll just make this quick, based on my own observations.

And now your obligatory sexy pony.

Commentary and Review combined due to brevity.

First, Carl is weird as a pony name, while "Smutty Reels" is kind of hilarious, and “Creampie” is good, if a bit predictable.

Some bits are a little confusing. Like the mare begging him to cum in her ass, presumably according to the script, but then he was supposed to pull out. Also, this line:

The filly looks up at me, scared. I realise what I'm doing and relax myself.

I’m not sure what’s going on there.

Unlike the WRITE reviewer, I actually really like our protagonist. He’s a miserable, misanthropic bastard who feels he no longer has any control over his life. He’s not a positive character, but he is a strong one, even if certain later actions conflict with this base characterization to an extent.

The story uses things like “almost began to cry” a bit, and this is some of the weakest emotional presentation you can get outside of saying “and then he was sad.” It really tells us nothing about the emotions he’s feeling, just that they are sad. You might as well just tell us that.

Also, this keeps feeling weird to me. So far, Carl has been a bitter, angry misanthrope. He’s not the kind of person I expect to cry about failure. I expect him to get pissed off. Get even angrier about it all. Enter a downward spiral of drinking and fury, and of course he’s an angry drunk and the drink just makes him angrier too, until he just crashes from his bender and wakes up in a puddle of vomit next to the toilet.

If you’re going to have somepony at the end of his rope, go all out.

Carl keeps making comparisons to meat products, which feels out of place in pony fiction, since horses are largely herbivorous. A porn starlet going down on a stallion draws comparison to a hot dog. Carl craves a burger, and later gets one. Really, are meat-eating ponies weird, or is it just me?

"Can't do what?"

I began to choke up even worse, sputtering out a short sentence before bursting into hysterical tears.

"Get hard!"

This exchange is so melodramatic that it ruins the drama you seem to be going for and winds up almost funny instead.

I quickly shake my head, regaining my focus on happier things, I need to see a friendly face, Creampie, she'll get me out of this rut.

I threw on my sunglasses and hailed a cab.

Pacing is an issue throughout the story, and it rarely takes the time to really set the scene or explore the characters’ emotions, but this is a shining example of the problem. With no transition whatsoever, Carl goes from moping over his problems in his room to hailing a cab on the street.

And then the next part, he’s getting out at Creampie’s place. We don’t describe the car ride, or allow him some introspection. It’s just bam, next scene, bam, next scene.

"The doctors said you had a panic attack, you left the apartment in such a hurry, I chased after you to make sure everything was alright but you'd collapsed just out the building."

I begin to get a little teary eyed over how pathetic I must seem, a fucking panic attack, shit, that really is fucking pathetic.

"Look, I'd love to stay, but Smutty just called, and I have to go to a shoot, but call me, when you get out. goodbye"

Another good example of the poor pacing. Creampie runs in, says two lines, and then has to leave. It would have served the story much better had she stayed and spoken to him a bit, or never shown up at all and he heard it from the doctor.

And all of my problems come rushing back to me. I start shaking again as I turn around to see Smutty, and that's about the point where I blacked out.

Is this because he mixed meds and alcohol? Because his problem is just that severe? Because there’s an untreated underlying issue? I have no idea, and maybe that’s intentional, but the way this is done, it’s more confusing than engaging.

Pacing, pacing, pacing. Take your time. Describe the scene to us in as much detail as you can without boring the reader. Explore the character’s thoughts and feelings. Don’t just show us his day, make us share it with him.

I didn’t cover it above, but have a proofreader go over this. There were numerous grammar errors, mostly due to missing or misused punctuation.

Your language can be repetitive at times. Reread things to make sure you aren’t rehashing the same thought two or three times.

I’m normally against excessive swearing in fiction, but here it works, because it’s first-person from the POV of an angry, crude character. But even in this situation, there are limits to how much you can do before it becomes distracting.

Tone down the beginning to cry/tearing up/sobbing. You’re better off with more subtle indicators of emotion.

This story has a lot of potential, with a solid core concept and a strong protagonist. However, poor pacing, grammar errors, language, and weak emotional descriptors are dragging it down.

Needs Work. But, with that work, it has the potential to become a really great story.