Reviewed by: Cromegas_Flare

Hello, I do feel like I need to brighten the mood here with a happy picture of ponies in caves.

So, this is going to be a rather short review, because this story is only one chapter in... Production. That's ok, we review stories in progress as well.

The narrative of this story, is actually hard to get at... honestly... I read through it three times. I have no Idea what is going on... at all.

I'm not the type of person that needs to be spoon feed every detail in a story, but I would like to know the setting of when the story takes place as well as the emotion the characters are going through. I did not get that in the first chapter. So, even though I could not catch a lot of grammar errors, the execution of the story is lacking to anyone with a short attention span. You'll see what I mean by that in a bit.

I could not really get a hang of what was going on in the story until the 6th paragraph in. I felt to hood or draw, and I have a strange feeling that others who read the story have a similar feel to it. I may be harsh, but I don't think the average reader will be able to even get through the first chapter without quitting. As in, they will read just a small bit of what you have written and move on to a more exciting story to their tastes. So, before you publish the second chapter...

Yes, keep writing this story, don't give it up. What I'm saying is, that the first chapter should be written with a bit more... meat and potatoes... before the second chapter is released. In simple, the story needs a bit more of these things.

1. Setting.
2. Character action, more than thought.
3. Literature hooks.

I'll expound on number three in my own words. Go back to what inspired you to write this story. What is it you want people to see? Then ask yourself what other readers would like to see, or recognize right of the bat in this story. Give us some hooks that will keep our attention, we readers like hooks. Gives us reason to stay, and we would much rather stay, when we feel like we want to.

TL;DR
Add in more meat to this story, and you will attract a larger audience that will help you finish this project. Do that in any way you want, but it does need to be done.

I give this story