Schnitzel in Equestria
By Abramus5250

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that just because a television series stars a character who is abysmally stupid and indescribably annoying, it doesn’t mean that the show itself is without merit. I have Schnitzel in Equestria to thank for reminding me that if I always judged a book by its cover, I would have never found this fandom in the first place.

That said, today I also learned that just because a fanfiction has some redeeming qualities, that doesn’t mean it can’t make some very bizarre choices, or fail to overcome the problems inherent in its source material.

P.S., Your sister is more attractive. Just saying.

Okay, this is a Chowder crossover, and Chowder’s humor derives almost entirely from the titular character being immensely stupid. Though sometimes the humor is instead about how much Schnitzel hates Chowder and how much the universe makes him suffer because he isn’t stupid too. So, you know, it’s basically the most recent iteration of the Ren & Stimpy or Spongebob Squarepants concept. Generally speaking, I’m not fond of this type of humor.

I’ve watched two episodes of Chowder. In the first, the entire plot revolved around Chowder needing to go to the bathroom but having to hold it, and it was a miserable abyss of non-humor. In the second, Schnitzel randomly lost his immense strength and had to get it back, while he constantly suffered for the crime of being the straight-man in a lowbrow comedy. He’s Squidward, basically, but a super strong rock monster instead of Octopus Frasier. Anyway, that second episode was alright. I at least laughed when Chowder thought Schnitzel was dead.

We’ve apparently done away with the full rubric, and I do eventually get tired of finding particular remarks for each of six sections in each review. So we’re going to freestyle this one.

So, the fic sets up its plot in the same manner most Chowder plots are set up—Chowder does something imbecilic and Schnitzel suffers for it. Long story short, he’s in Equestria and it’s Chowder’s fault. Despite initially believing he’d died and gone to a Chowder-free heaven, Schnitzel soon meets the Cutie Mark Crusaders. One (declared within the narrative) “cooking montage” later, he realizes it is exactly the opposite.

Chapter two is where the Chowder style of humor really starts picking up. Twilight decides to take Schnitzel in, but first wants to ask him some questions and do some tests. These are interspersed with what makes up the vast majority of the chapter: random asides and one-off gags. We have SpiLight sex games, bronies, clopfic, random cruelty and obsessiveness from Rarity, more SpiLight, suggestions of some sort of Spike+Lyra encounter which includes a bizarre allusion to the “smell of an emptied bladder”, gangsters raiding ice cream wagons, and “retards” lurking in shadows.

This fic is in desperate need of the Random tag.

In chapter three, we have Luna dream-viewing, and the comedy drifts towards the ever more random, leaving behind the already-bizarre styling of Chowder to pursue utter nonsense. At this point I can’t even keep up with the references and asides, but I will note that typos and nonsensical phrases are growing more common. Anyway, apparently Luna finds Schnitzels dream-self to be so attractive it leaves her weak in the knees. And then there’s a totally random scene with Luna and Celestia, and then Schnitzel gets called to Canterlot.

The fourth chapter is currently the last. Rarity for some reason can never remember Schnitzel’s name, and seems to compulsively point out his bulk. And then we have more unrelated asides. Just like, one after another. At one point, we have less than 60 words relevant to the story between a long and irrelevant section about how rarely they use the Twinkling Balloon, and another about Twilight taking too many notes. Once they get to Canterlot, we find it’s not merely Luna who finds Schnitzel attractive, but mares in general. And then we close on meeting the princesses.

First things first, this story lacks a consistent voice. At first you might think it’s third person omniscient because it’s showing internal thoughts from multiple characters, but in reality, it’s third person limited, but constantly jumping between characters. There are scenes from Schnitzel, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Twilight, and Luna, as well as the narrator who tends to be the source of most of the random asides. This is head-hopping—the story is being told through the point of view of whichever character is convenient at the moment, even when that means multiple characters are giving us the same scene.

Rather than going into great detail on POV, I’ll just leave this here: Scribophile Writing Academy.

Now, as for those random asides. Simply, they’re too random and too irrelevant. Rather than adding a bit of offhand humor to the piece, they interrupt the narrative severely and distract from the story. Worse, they come so frequently that the reader soon gets the impression that there are more random asides than actual plot in the story. Using asides to add humor can be done well—for two authors who are probably masters of this technique, try picking up Terry Pratchett (known for the Discworld novels) or Douglas Adams (known for Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency). But what you’re achieving here is more in the realm of Seth Macfarlane (known for The Family Guy and several other cartoons that are basically just The Family Guy again).

And then there’s the humor itself. It was all over the place. Implied sex was a frequent subject, with various passages suggesting Spike was intimate with both Twilight and Lyra, as well as either urophilia or just loss of bodily functions. There were fandom references, like a “brownies” convention that Lyra was leading and the library’s “clopfic section”. And then there were a few things I couldn’t even begin to make sense of, like gangsters raiding an ice cream wagon, or… just this line: “Inner cities were a dangerous place for confectionary treats and such, especially when the retards emerged from the shadows.”

Finally, the grammar is mostly good, with a few obvious typos here and there, but every so often there’s just a totally baffling mess of a line. Here’s the best example: “If he turned out to be anything like Chowder, though, Schnitzel would have no choice but to never let him be by him, if only for his own safety.” I have no idea what that is trying to say.

There are a few other issues, but we’ll leave them for the tips section.

Multiple-POV third-person is very hard to pull off, even subjective omniscient, which allows you to include the thought and feelings of multiple characters. Either develop a strong voice for the narrator and work it into a full subjective omniscient story, or else choose a single character to tell the story through for each chapter or even scene and leave it third-person limited.

Never outright declare something like “cooking montage!” (or “time skip!”, as another author I’ve reviewed is prone to) within the narrative. That sort of thing really only works in visual media like cartoons.

Similarly, ending a chapter on a rhetorical question (“They’ll be just fine, right?”) is a classic, and can set up either suspense or humor equally well. However, the effect is completely wasted if you then immediately answer that question in the next sentence.

Cut down on the random asides, or at least make them more relevant to the plot. It’s fine to have a bit of parenthetical humor (I do it, myself), but it needs to be a quick jab and then back to the plot. Longer commentary can be left to footnotes, either in the Author’s Note or just at the bottom of a chapter or scene (I haven’t read his stories in a while, but I seem to recall RealityCheck makes good use of this).

Be very careful about using language like “retard”. That word in particular has fallen far out of favor as an insult (at least among people who are past middle school), and will instead be seen as it’s proper meaning—a person with a severe mental handicap, which is generally not something you want to mock. Beyond the issue of using that sort of language in a fandom this generally kind and positive, it just makes the speaker sound crude and bigoted. When the narration uses it, it reflects just as poorly on the author.

Finally, meta-humor and fandom references have their place, but that’s generally only in trollfic or the most random of stories. Sure, you can make them work if they’re vague enough, but generally they stick out, badly, and distract from the story. Don’t interrupt the world you’re building to remind us that it’s fictional.

This story will depend heavily upon the reader’s personal sense of humor to determine whether you’ll like it or not. Maybe fans of Chowder will like it more, but for me, the constant POV switching, pointless asides, and lowbrow out-of-character humor mean it really doesn’t have anything going for it.

Needs Work. The weak narration and random points of view are the biggest problem, but the humor here could really use some retooling, too.

I like your reviews.