My Little Dovahkiin: Wrath of the Damned
By Nonon Jakuzure

Reviewed by Asilin

Yay! A source material I know! Obviously, from the title, we are crossing over with Skyrim on this fic!
What’s Skyrim you ask?
……
Erm, welcome to the Internet? We have cats, Skyrim, and ponies?

Bit more seriously (if we somehow have an Internet newbie reading this), Skyrim is the fifth installment of a game series called Elder Scrolls. The only ones of real importance anymore are Morrowind (III), Oblivion (IV), and now Skyrim (V). I don’t think anybody really talks (or has played) anything before Morrowind. Anyway, it’s a sandbox game, which means open-ended world, full PC creation, and lots of side quests.

Let’s see how the author handles that particular challenge.

The Basics:
Isen Storm-Rider, the Dragonborn, encounters six young women in the woods of the Rift. These young women are, of course, the six main ponies from Equestria: Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. Isen decides to help the lost women get home, beginning by taking them to the College of Winterhold. Meanwhile, dark forces are moving against the seven in order to do something nefarious (maybe try to take over the world? Of course!)

The Nitty-Gritty:
Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 both deal with the exact same thing: introducing our characters. Honestly, I would combine these two chapters into one and just be done with it. In particular, I would combine what Isen sees with his narrative before you flip over to Twilight’s POV. In any case, it’s established that Isen Storm-Rider, a Nord of Skyrim and the Dragonborn, is in the woods of Riften completing some random quest when he encounters six women lost in said woods. They just happen to be completely naked. From Twilight’s POV, we find out that the six were sucked into Skyrim by a mysterious portal. They’re momentarily scared by Isen, which prompts the girls to become defensive, except for Pinkie Pie, who pops up behind him, causing him to draw his sword. Twilight defuses the situation by explaining that that’s just “Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie”…and end Chapter 2.

Chapter 3 starts us back in Isen’s POV looking over the girls as they situate themselves around the area they’re in. When asked who and what he is, Isen again begins to assume that the girls are on some sort of drug (fair assumption, really) but informs them anyway. This leads into all around introductions, and Isen coaxes Fluttershy out from behind a tree. As an aside, since I saw in your comments that you want to focus on realism, Isen should be struggling to squat down to look Fluttershy in the eye when wearing heavy armor. Dragonborn or no, heavy armor is, by definition, heavy and bulky. Squatting in it should be the last thing he wants to do. Chapter ends with Isen inviting them back to his “right over there” camp.

Chapter 4 begins with hinting at a question and answer session between Isen and the girls. This would’ve been a great moment to begin some characterization, but all we get is that it happened. Further, we find out that they’ve been walking for an hour. And upon arriving to camp, Isen heads into his tent to find clothes as the girls spread out around the clearing to sit.

Let me pause for a moment to address something that truly bugged me with this entire bit.

You have six women traversing the woods naked for an hour. At a good pace, that means you have six women traveling around three miles in an hour. Naked. In bodies that they’ve never been in before. They should 1) be having massive issues with the rough ground and 2) be sweating. Which leads us into the next point. You now have these six women, who should be hot and sweaty from exertion, separating in an environment that is naturally cold. That spells all sorts of hypothermia issues to me. We humans tend to gather close when we’re cold, particularly to those we’re close to. Further, I can’t believe that Dash wouldn’t be feeling a might…uncomfortable sitting Indian-style on a boulder. Don’t know what gender you are, but she’d be exposing something mighty sensitive to the cold air that way.

Anyway. Continuing on. Isen gets them clothed and then starts a fire using magic, which surprises Twilight for some reason. She later tries to repeat it herself but fails until Isen teaches her. At this point, Isen asks where they’re from and gets the whole story.

We then switch POV’s to a mysterious figure who’s lurking in a Dwemer city. Said figure announces that everything is going to plan and decides to offer a reward to the various lowlifes of Skyrim for the capture and delivery of the girls. There’s apparently another figure there who tells our POV figure in Draconic that It is time, child. Do your duty. Kill the Nord. Will admit, that was a pretty neat inclusion, even if it was a pain to translate. The scene, and chapter, ends with the cloaked figure laughing evilly.

Chapter 5 begins with a summary of Equestria and the girls’ adventures. After a night’s sleep, we get to see Isen pack up the camp, and the group begins on their way to the College of Winterhold, where Isen’s friend Tythis is the Archmage. We get a little more of Isen’s background, and then the group finds itself surrounded by bandits who are after the girls. Isen gets them to run, and sets up to fight. We then switch to Dash’s POV, where she debates if she should go back to help Isen or not, ultimately deciding to return because she’s the Element of Loyalty. Chapter ends.

To sum up the next eight chapters, Isen fights and kills the bandits which causes a crisis of faith in the girls, get more of Isen’s backstory, get introduced to a guy who calls himself the Brendon who meets another villain, Legion as referenced in Mark 5:9 (yes, we’re pulling Christian mythos into a Skyrim/MLP setting. No, I still don’t know why), and then get introduced to an entirely different setting involving a race called the Ikarii that I can only assume is the author’s personal setting, since I can’t find any other references to the characters, races, or setting anywhere online. The group makes it to Riften, leaves Riften after meeting a couple of friends of Isen’s (to use the term loosely), and then proceed on their way again.

As an aside, while using the “took an arrow to the knee” is definitely setting canon, you missed the reference on that one. It’s an old Nordic saying to indicate you got married, not that you got literally injured. So, if she got married, fine, but using it as her last battle wound would be a no-go for me.

They encounter a dragon, which Fluttershy nearly talks down, but Isen has to fight and kill anyway. Then they get captured by the Stormcloaks but rescued by an assassin guild led by a vampire named Trinity, who accompanies them on their way to the College. Legion sacrifices one of his minions to a Black Sacrament. We finally make it to the college where Twilight gets exposed to more of the setting’s magic and is psychically raped by Hermaeus Mora. This leads to them needing to find the Auger of Dulain, resulting in Isen and Fluttershy being knocked into the depths of the Midden and nearly killed. We leave our story with Isen in a coma and Legion paying a group of Khajiit to capture the girls and kill Isen.

While the narrative does have a logical progression and is easy enough to follow with the helpful inclusions of line breaks and section headings, it suffers primarily from a lack of pacing. Pacing is the speed at which your story occurs. In thirteen chapters, and near 40K words, I still do not have a clear idea of your plot. I know a lot about Isen’s background, I can describe most of the characters in detail, but I cannot tell you your plot.

This is a major issue for a story.

Your plot should be part of the driving force of the story. Currently, you seem to have three: Isen and the girls trying to get to Winterhold and eventually home, the villains’ plot, and then the Ikarii and the Brendon trying to stop the villains. These plots need more interaction with one another, and need to be focused on what’s important to the scene itself. It’s not important to show us Isen packing up the camp. That does nothing beside give us setting. Whereas the question and answer session you merely described could be used to establish your characters and give us some speculation to your overall plot (why are the girls here/the villains’ plot).

You need to figure out what scenes are most related to your plot and highlight those. If a scene does not add to the plot, nor add to characterization, setting, or voice (a scene must do two of these things to be an effective scene), then it should be removed to help speed up your story.

As it is, we have 13 chapters, and beyond minor physical conflicts, there’s been no plotline conflict. The villains and the heroes haven’t had their initial clash yet. I don’t know how their goals are pitted against one another (beyond the baseline of the girls probably don’t want to be killed, but they don’t even know that that’s a possibility yet!)

Narrative score: 3/10

In the long run, the pacing issues and constant exposition and back story just weighed the narrative down, although I think you might have a decent plot bunny in there. I just wish I knew a bit more of what it was. However, you do get points for having a clear narrative and for obviously knowing your background.

While there are a whole slew of characters, I’m just going to focus on Isen, the girls, and mention the villains.

On the one hand, major commendations with Isen Storm-Rider. I have a clear idea of what he looks like, how he fights, and what his backstory is. That does make him stand out from the generic Player Character. On the other hand, that’s about the extent of my knowledge. Sure, you try, through the backstory, to give him motivation and emotional weight, but since it’s primarily focused on the past, it doesn’t translate to the present. For example, let’s look at when he decides to help the girls:

Isen looked over the group. He was unsure what to do next. After a moment of thought, he made his decision. "Now that the formalities are out of the way," he stated. "How about we go back to my camp; get you girls something to wear." He pointed towards in the general direction of his camp. "It's right over there."

Now, let’s actually give him some character. This time, we’ll play up a nice version.

Isen looked over the group. Unsure of what to do next, he drummed his fingers against the hilt of Relentless, glancing at each girl. So much like my sister! That decided it. He’d have to help them.

Here we can see a couple of personal quirks of his (tapping his sword), get a little bit of background (has a sister), and get some idea of what motivates him (possibly protective of his sister). This makes him a full character and, as a bonus, can help give you, the author, more points to grab onto to help drive the plot.

Moving on, let’s discuss the girls. Which is problem one: unless you’re working with a particular character, you treat the girls as a single unit. For example:

The guards started messing with Rarity's hair, and said seamstress screamed indignantly through her gag, but was overall ignored. Applejack had delivered a solid head-butt when a wiry captor tried to touch her, and was given a painful broken nose in return. Some of the guards began placing bets to see who would get the 'first go' at her. Rainbow Dash tried feebly to break through her bonds, muttering every swear word she knew, but stopped her attempts when a huge captor stared down at her. Fluttershy was perhaps the most pitiful. She had begun whimpering when she woke up, and the newfound attention brought by the men made the shy mare break. Pinkie Pie had attempted to make conversation with the captors, but was harshly silenced by one of them.

First of all, you establish that this is supposed to be from Twilight’s POV, and that they are arranged in a circle, tied to chairs. One presumes this means they are facing outward, so how does she know what shape they’re in, or what everyone is doing? Second, this is a prime example of how you handle them in a group. Each character gets a single sentence to give them some defining stock action: Pinkie, the extroverted party lover, has to make conversation; Dash, the fierce tomboy, struggles and swears; Fluttershy, the shy introvert, whimpers and tries to hide. This does not give us a chance to really identify emotionally with any character and takes away from the weight of the scene. These girls are bound, gagged, and overhearing how they’re possibly going to be raped. This should be absolutely terrifying for them.

A better way to do this, from Twilight’s POV (for ease of purpose, we’ll go ahead and say it’s been established that AJ’s to her right, and Rarity to her left):

“How long do you think the boss is going to be?” said one of the guards.

“Dunno, but I hope he’s quick. I wanna try this one.” The second guard grabbed a lock of Rarity’s hair, yanking her towards him. She screamed against her gag and pulled back. He laughed, a harsh barking sound and pulled her closer. “I wonder if everything matches this color.”

To Twilight’s right, Applejack began to yell through her gag. She bounced in her chair, the wood scraping harshly against the stone floor. Another guard laughed. “Looks like this one can’t wait for her turn,” he said, coming up to stroke her face. “Don’t worry, lovely, there’s enough—” He broke off with a yell as Applejack head butted him in the chin. “Stubborn wench.” He backhanded her across her face with a solid crack. She yelped before moaning, shoulders shaking as she dropped her head. Even in the dim light of the torches, Twilight could see the sharp bend in Applejack’s nose and the blood streaming down her face.

This way we get the emotional impact of the situation, and we get to really experience how the characters react. Make them feel real. Further, make sure they’re responding appropriately to each scene. Would Pinkie really be trying to have friendly conversation with their captors, particularly ones who are threatening to harm her friends? Maybe instead have her babbling at them?

A second issue with the fact that you treat them as a unit is that you don’t treat them individually unless they’re dealing with Isen. To a great extent, this almost objectifies them, because they are incapable of acting without a man to save them. Granted, this would’ve been a problem even if your Dragonborn were female, but with him being male makes it feel that much worse. Basically, unless our “real” protagonist cares about their problems, then they might as well not exist.

This is particularly horrendous when dealing with Twilight’s mental rape. You have her essentially by herself until Isen comes to comfort her (where are her friends??) and then he leaves her with “words of encouragement” before leaving her to walk with Fluttershy. Poof. No longer an issue, apparently. (As a side note, I’m not sure the rape was entirely necessary. Especially if you’re not going to give it a proper emotional weight or context.)

Finally, you mix and match rules with them on what is seemingly a whim. Pinkie and Fluttershy both still have access to what seem to be major abilities for them (Pinkie Sense and speaking to animals), and even Applejack has the ability to detect lies through the Element of Honesty, which, personally speaking, makes no sense. Being a particular Element or another is about who they are. So Applejack is Honesty because she’s a sincere and open person, which means she should expect that of others. That should make it harder for her to figure out lies. Also, on the same note, Dash should go back to help Isen in the bandit fight because that’s what you do for friends, not because she’s the Element of Loyalty. She’s the Element of Loyalty because she sticks with her friends; she doesn’t need the added reason/excuse. However, you don’t allow Twilight access to her major ability: the fact that she can learn any spell by just seeing it. She has to be taught by Isen. Either they all have access to their special talents, or none of them do.

Okay, that went a bit longer than I meant. So briefly, for the villains, I really just want to introduce them to the Evil Overlord List. But, on a more serious note, like the main protagonists, your villains need characterization and, more importantly, motivation. Why are they trying to take over the world/universe? Bring back their master? Summon the Old Ones? We know that Skyrim’s villain, Alduin, basically wants revenge. That’s simple motivation and helps define what he’s doing and how he does it. (Kill everything. Simple plan.) Why do your villains care about what they’re doing?

Character Score: 2/10

Great physical descriptions, but the lack of motivation or emotional descriptions make the characters very one to two dimensional in feel.

In terms of style, the prose itself is highly descriptive and easy to read. You can always see exactly what the author intends for you to see. There is some attention to maintaining a more realistic feel to an admittedly over the top setting, with focus on how fights would work with various abilities and how the world in general functions. This is great, if not going over the top at times, particularly when using magic in terms of healing. I can get a difference between Restoration and full healing, but did we really need Tythis using electricity as a defibrillator? Just let his magic stop the heart attack. That’s a reasonable realistic solution to the setting.

Further, as another point towards realism, while I realize banded armor looks like it leaves the gut unprotected, if you want to be realistic, Isen would be wearing one of three things under said armor: thick cloth padding, leather armor, or chainmail. Actually, he’d at least be wearing the cloth padding to protect his skin, so choose one of the other two. The design of the banded armor seems to be a choice to allow for more mobility (a good idea when you’re basing your nation off a civilization that thrived on raids), but you wouldn’t leave areas completely unprotected.

The mood of the piece seemed to be going for dark fantasy and more or less achieves this by focusing on the nitty gritty of the setting. However, this could be far more enhanced if the characters’ emotions were given a bit more attention, as noted in the character section.

Where the style has the biggest issues, though, are in Point of View and Show Vs. Tell.
The story has, at final count, around 10 different POVs in 3rd person limited. (I’m still not sure if there’s only one villain or two: if one, 9; if two, 10). Even though he’s sold many, many books, Robert Jordan is not a good example of what to do in terms of point of view. With so many different points of view, the story becomes diluted, forcing us to try to piece together the overall plot from the various plots each point of view has. Because note: every point of view has its own technical plot because every person is different in motivation and goals. That’s why you normally stick to one point of view.

When do you use multiple points of view? When you have multiple legitimate plots that have no alternative way of being shown from another point of view. For example, if Character A is working with Character B on some project but has to leave to take care of some things that make issues more complicated, then we’d follow Character A. But if Character A isn’t to get back in time to see the fallout of the complications on Character B, we might jump to B’s POV in order to show what happened, rather than tell it.

So, for example in your story, Chapter 9 ends in Connor’s POV, telling us that the Stormcloaks got the main group. Yet, Chapter 10 picks up with giving us the exact same information from Isen’s POV. That means Connor’s POV is unnecessary, even for introducing a new character, who you still reintroduce in the next chapter. By having this POV shift, you give repetitive information and spoil the cliffhanger.

There’s also a case of narration break in Chapter 7, where the narration directly addresses us with a “For you see” moment. When in 3rd person limited, the narration is a passive thing, floating in the background. We shouldn’t notice it. However, if you want the narrator to have a distinct voice, you might consider the Subjective Omniscient Point of View. This is a point of view that allows the narrator to show everything that’s going on while giving some interpretation. Terry Pratchett’s Discworld is a pretty good example of this style. I’d almost, with what you have already, go with this simply because you could turn your narrator into a storyteller. Then it wouldn’t matter if you jump from character to character so much, as long as there’s a reason for your narrator to do so.

Finally, show vs. tell. Honestly, the advice I’d give for this is much better explained at Scribophile, so I’d recommend, out of all my other links in here, following this one. Suffice to say, the biggest issue here is where you place importance. You tend to show what you should tell and tell what you should show.

An example of this:

Isen was darting left and right before the eyes of the 6 extra-dimensional women. At the moment, he was folding the tent into a small, enchanted, brown knapsack. 'Thank the Divines,' thought Isen, as he continued to pack the tent into the bag. 'That Tythis knows some good bag enchantments.' The pack, which indeed had been enchanted by the friendly Archmage to give to Isen as a birthday gift, had a unique bottomless-pit feature that allowed the user to stuff anything in there as long as it wasn't too heavy.

Breakfast had been served mere moments ago: a hearty meal of leftover apple cabbage stew and a side of somewhat fresh carrots. If Isen knew anything about horses…or ponies, in this case, was that they did not eat meat. Hopefully the girls wouldn't take it as too much of a shock if they saw a resident of Riften having a nice slice of venison.

Speaking of that, Riften was their current destination. Isen needed supplies if they were going to head north, and he was a bit short on food.

In almost no time at all, the merry party of 1 Nord warrior and 6 Nord/Imperial/Breton women were on the way to the capital of The Rift. All in all, the entire journey was taken in total silence. Only a few times did any of them speak, an exception being Rarity, especially Fluttershy, who just gazed around and admired the beauty of the forest.

You show us the packing up of camp and breakfast, yet skim over the reactions of the six to the new setting and merely tell us that it happens.

This should be reversed. Readers already know what goes on in packing up a camp, we don’t need it explained. And, frankly, unless something important is happening at the meal, meals are assumed to happen as well.

So better to write:

They were soon on the road to Riften, Isen having decided that a resupplying stop was necessary before pushing on to Winterhold. Behind him trailed the six young women, now much better suited to travel than the night before.

Twilight was the first to break the silence of the morning. “How’d you get all of the supplies into that one bag?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s enchanted. Tythis, the friend we’re going to go see, did it for me. Holds a good amount of stuff. Still haven’t reached the limit, I don’t believe.” Isen scratched at his chin. “Tempted to find that out someday.”

“May I see it?” She was now next to him, fumbling for the ties on the pack.

“Hey, now! Not on the road. I can let you look at the next campsite. Be less of a mess that way.”

“But—“

“Oh, come off it, Twi, stop trying to grab his bag, so we can keep moving!” Dash called from further back.

Isen had to cough quickly to cover his laugh.

Here, we’re told that they’re moving to Riften and why almost immediately and get to see the characters react to information and setting details that are more important. Judge each scene according to what it really tells us and figure out if it needs to be detailed (like an action scene) or just told (like background information).

Style score: 6/10

High points for attention to detail and providing good concrete descriptions in an easy manner. Points off for POV and show vs. tell issues.

This…is a tough section, to be honest. I’m still not entirely sure about the premise, since I’m not clear on the villains’ end goal. And Isen and the villains are often portrayed in very clichéd manners.

However, I did like the detailing you’ve put into your story, and even liked your personal setting with the Ikarri, even if you did info dump all of that setting on us. I’m even slightly fascinated by Legion and his multi-voice, although that may just be because I like Soulcatcher.

Originality score: 5/10

Can’t say too much here because there’s not a lot present that I would really judge originality on, so I’ll give you the benefit of a doubt here.

In doing my reading for this fic, I’ll admit to being a bit of a, shall we say, stalker. That is to say, I went and looked up the author’s FFN profile. So I’m aware that the author is a non-native English speaker.

That being said, there wasn’t a whole lot of grammar issues.

There were a few spelling errors (Pegusai which later became Pegasai for Pegasi; if you’re going to spell it differently, make it consistent), some homophone issues (“reigns” instead of “reins” when talking about what guides horses), and some very minor semi-colon vs. comma issues.

There was also some mild word choice issues, most of which I can forgive, but quickly: men don’t giggle. Unless they’re high or potentially effeminate. A giggle is a high-pitch sound, which is why it’s associated with girls or children. Men chuckle. It’s a lower register laugh that conveys the same meaning as a giggle and is more associated with the male register.

Honestly, if you can get a beta reader who’s good with grammar to do a quick check of your chapters, you’d be fine.

But grammar didn’t distract from the fic, so I’ve got no real complaints here.

Grammar score: 9/10

Most of my tips are in their respective sections. However, to summarize:

You’ve got great descriptive detail, but overly focus on the world-building and setting details to the detriment of your plot. Work on what needs to be shown versus what needs to be told. Figure out character motivations and quirks and how to display them through regular action to give us a proper emotional connection to your characters: telling us stock descriptors and giving us sad back stories do not a character make (they are starts, though. They just need to be fleshed out).

Finally, settle on a point of view. If you want it to be narrated, then give us a good narrative voice that enhances the story. If third-person multiple point of view, choose only the most important views (and I’d recommend that the villains not be one. Show us their plot by interacting with the heroes). If you really want to stick to a full Skyrim feel, I’d go full out first person in Isen’s POV. That’s how we play the game, right? Just make sure his voice his unique, much like you would any narrative voice.

Personal Recommendation: I’m going to give this an “Enjoyable, but Needs Work” with heavier emphasis on “Needs Work”. There’s enough here for fans of either setting to latch onto (and help flesh out in their own minds) for the casual reader and for some of the descriptions alone I’d recommend a look, at least as a “what to do when getting your world down”. As a full stand-alone work, though (meaning, not relying on your readers to fill in major details), it needs some major tweaking to provide a smoother cohesive narrative.

3073579 If you want the image to show, get rid of all that text after .jpg

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3073755

Nah, just forgot to erase a space after the link *facepalms*

Thanks, though :D

3076628

LOL! Glad to be the source of an accomplishment ;)

Let me know if there's anything in all of that that you'd like clarified or further elaborated on; I'd be glad to provide more explanation :D

3073579
I'm glad to have contributed a dick joke to your rewrite examples.

3076802
Thought you'd appreciate that :P