Life isn’t fair no matter which way you slice it. How you deal with it though is up to you. You can put on a smile and try to rough it out while knowing others are having the same issue or maybe worse. Or you can tell life to bite it and make things easier on yourself by using the people around you. That is my philosophy! Why should I be struggling when so many around me are doing just fine? The answer is, I shouldn’t be, so I simply…convince others to lend me a hand.
I think I need to explain why I work like this though otherwise some people might think of me as just some sort of punk or jerk. For others to fully understand me I will have to start at the beginning or as close to the beginning as I can get.
When I was about a year old I was left at the door of the “Hill Fort Orphanage”. There was no one around so the staff there made the safe assumption I was abandoned and took me in. That is all well and good. However as the years went on and I got older I noticed something, I was different from all the other kids there. I had really long legs, like out of proportion long which made potential adopters look right over me. By the time I was twelve, so eleven years had passed, I was the oldest kid at the orphanage and things were not changing. So I decided to make them change.
At school I was known for being rather quiet and for keeping to myself so that clearly had to stop. I started to use my freaky long legs as weapons, quickly learning how to kick like nobody’s business. Once I had that down I started a reputation as a “delinquent” but I liked to call myself a “business man”. I would go around and ask kids for money, if they agreed and gave it to me I made sure nothing bad happened to them. If they were dumb and said no I would show them that bad things happen to those who try to stay solo.
Some might call this extortion but I just called it a sound business plan! You are either with me or against me and those that were with me found themselves with benefits. I was true to my word and should they come to me with complaints of another person giving them crap I would quickly kick the living paste out of said trouble maker. If they were against me…well, let’s just say that they quickly changed their mind after finding their lockers dented in half.
By sophomore year at high school I was known as “Daddy Long Legs” the “business man”. The name didn’t really work with me at first and I kicked anyone who tried to call me by that name but after a while I warmed up to the name and went along with it. My main issue with the name is that fact that the spider daddy long legs are harmless to humans and I am far from harmless…but they do look really cool and you can tell what they are at first glance so I accepted it based on those facts.
Besides the name I would say I looked the part as well. I was six feet and four inches tall, had trendy cut brown hair, no facial hair for that is unacceptable for a professional such as myself and green eyes. I am slim but toned, especially my legs. A business man had to be well dressed and after pulling the funds from my clients I was able to get a rather nice yet still durable suit to wear. I also got a nice fedora to go with it so I was looking really snappy by junior year. Some of the less educated students said I was some descendant of a mafia family or some such silliness but that is far from the truth, as all should know by now I am a business man through and through.
Besides my ways of business I made sure to keep the teachers and other staff oblivious to what I was doing. I was quite in class and always did the work they assigned and managed to keep a grade average of B’s and a few A’s so the teachers were none the wiser. I also joined the student council to solidify my defense if anyone were to try and rat me out, after all who would believe the student vice president is going around kicking other students and destroying school property right? Needless to say my senior year also went very smoothly and I made much money over time.
All good things must come to an end as they say for I graduated from high school and used a scholarship to get into a community college. I had to be very careful here and pick my marks very specifically because college is full of those that can actually do something about me. But I have had time and experience and half way through my first year I had ten people as clients pulling in a steady income. Not to say that things all went smoothly as one of my clients thought that his friend who was a second year in a judo club could get rid of me. That lasted all of fifteen seconds as one kick to his chest knocked him out cold…freaky long legs are dangerous don’t you know.
So there we go, that is my life in a nut shell. Here I am now, living in my dorm room by myself well into my second year of college working for a psychology degree. I think a bachelor’s degree will suffice. With my steady income of clients and this generous scholarship I will get through this with a fair sum of cash in the end. I like the field of psychology; it is rather interesting and helpful for my business. Knowing how the human mind works will allow me to use even more devious means to bring in clients.
Today is Thursday so I don’t have any classes and have already completed my most recent assignment to turn in tomorrow so I figured it would be a good day to go for a walk. I put myself together, put on my signature suit and half and went off to mindlessly trail about the nearby park area. I was half way there when one of my clients, a frail young woman by the name of Emma Perkinson, approached me in her usual bashful manner; which is to say keeping her head down even though she is only five feet and nine inches tall so I easily loomed over her any way.
“Um, excuse me Daddy Long Legs, I um, have a problem with some guys from the school not far from ours to the north.”
“Oh? Might I ask what said problem is?”
“Well, they um, like to shout at me from afar and say things to me that I don’t like. They say things about taking me home and showing me a good time.” Oh goody, frat-boys who think they are smooth.
“Well, can’t have anyone harassing my precious clients and you have never missed a pay day so how about I go over there and fix this problem for you?”
Emma gave a swift and happy nod before slipping me a piece of paper that had all the names of said offenders. I am not surprised, Emma may be the bashful type but she can dig up information like none other…she was a risky target but it worked out in my advantage. I went up to the college that Emma mentioned, I won’t say the name as to protect what little dignity it may still have and went about asking for the guys in question. Eventually I found that they like to get wasted behind a nearby fast food join around six pm or so and decided to camp out there.
I was only standing around for an hour or so when a group of four guys came around with many beer bottles and even more stupid laughter. As they got settled in I decided to make my move and came around the corner.
“Hello gentlemen, how are you this fine evening?”
“Who the hell is this guy? I have never seen him before.” No shit Sherlock
“Relax Dan nothing says this has to get weird.”
“Yea, listen to Mike, it’s just one guy. We don’t even know what he wants.”
“What DO you want Mr.…?”
“You may call me Daddy Long Legs. I am afraid to say that Mike over there is wrong, this is going to get ugly as it seems you are bothering one of my clients.”
At this all of them were standing up together and acting really tough, I could already tell this would be fun!
“Is that so? You’re not talking about that Emma chick are you? Nice piece of work that one.”
The others gave their agreement and started making obscene gestures at each other and laughing.
“Yes actually, it is Emma. Once this is all well and done and you four are all sprawled on the ground I sure hope you never bother her again.”
With that being said the dumbest one of the four, Dan I believe his name was, came forward with a sad excuse of a punch aimed at my face. With a simple duck he missed and I swept his legs out from under him using my right leg. While he was on his back I brought my right heel down on his gut, knocking the wind out of him and putting him down for the count.
Next up was Mike, he came at me with two punches one to left and the other to the right. It was easy foot work and he quickly found air was the only thing he hit. I planted my right foot firmly on the floor and brought my left leg out and up to hit him right in the side of his head in a round house kick. He hit the floor with a thump.
The other two were slightly smarter and came at me at the same time. Rather than playing this defensively I stepped up and gave a straight kick to the first one right on his nose. His buddy took that as his turn to strike but I simply shifted my weight from one foot to the other and teetered around the punch. To wrap things up and brought my right food straight up to his chin hitting so hard he blacked out. That’s right, I can do standing splits.
I straightened my trusty fedora and gave the group a warning to leave Emma alone before quickly leaving the scene before anyone saw me there. I walked quickly for a bit before slowing down to my regular pace which was still fast because of my legs. For a while I just walked around aimlessly with the only direction being the park area. I can’t help but think about how perfect my life is, I got the money, I got the brains and I got the skills. Sure once I graduate college I won’t be able to do business with people as I am now but I will be able to get a standard job and that will let me fall in line to a cozy life.
I smiled to myself as I lazily walked around to the more forested side of the park. No one was over here and that fit me just fine! I slowed down to a rather slow pace and took in the scenery as pleasant thoughts of the future passed through my head. I passed the sitting bench to my right, the tree stump on the left then the bathroom to the right…then the sitting bench? I stopped and realized I had been walking for a long time but not going anywhere! OK, what’s going on here? I thought to myself as I turned around and tried the other way only to find myself at the sitting bench again.
I tried running but that got me nowhere. I tried running off the sidewalk path only to find myself back on it! After a while I was out of breath from all my attempts and sat down to collect myself. I am stuck in one area, I can’t get out and I have no idea why…crap! I stood up and started passing back and forth attempting to come up with a new idea when I started to get the feeling I was not as alone as I thought.
“Hello? Is someone there?”
“Alright, you got me, this is some sort of illusion trick right? Come out and let’s talk about this.”
Again I receive no response. I started looking around frantically but never did I find anything to hold responsible for this trick. It was then that I felt the first trickle of fear I had felt in the last ten years. Whatever was here with me is right behind me now. Instinct took over and I brought my left leg out as I spun around aiming high for a kick to the head. However what I felt on impact was not the solid thump I was expecting but instead it felt more like I hit water. That’s when I got a good look at it.
Standing there with my foot stuck to it was some kind of purple cloud. It didn’t move at all to my attack but it certainly didn’t let go. Even with my powerful legs I couldn’t pull myself free. My eyes grew wide as it began to swirl and I felt a suction pulling me deeper into it. I held on for all that it was worth but the suction got stronger and stronger with each passing second. I gave a strangled cry as my other leg was wrenched from the ground and I flew at the cloud. As soon as my head was pulled in the world went dark.
I have no idea how long I was out for nor do I want to know. I eventually managed to open my eyes and quickly didn’t like what saw. I saw clear open blue sky, which is normally a pleasant thing, what made it so bad was the fact that the clouds were quickly getting smaller and smaller…which meant I was falling. Eventually the rest of me woke up and I was aware that there was indeed nothing below me and the wind was howling in my ears. I was able to twist around and put my limbs out which managed to slow me down some and show me what was below me.
Good and bad news. I was not about to plummet down and go squish against the floor; instead I am going to fall into that forest down there and probably break something on those tress if not die out right. My life flashed before my eyes and that only made me more pissed that I was about to die because I was supposed to get my payments in just a few days on Sunday! Sadly anger alone is not enough to stop a falling person and that forest was looking really big now.
It only took a few minutes after that for me to hit the trees. The first impact was horrible as I crashed into a very thick branch which was strong enough not to break so my chest took all of it. I still wasn’t on the floor of course and I slid off that branch and onto a lower one, slamming into it full force on my back. This carried on and I fell down the surprisingly large tree, crashing into branches on my side, chest or back until I finally and mercifully landed with a thump on the floor. I have to say that a face full of dirt after falling from the sky in a welcome experience.
I think I have been laying here for ten minutes or so when I managed to push myself to my feet much to the misery of my body. Around me were thick forest trees and other foliage. Various sounds of animals echoed from all around me and I could barely make a light out in the distance as all light had vanished once I hit the floor. I managed to get my legs working even though ever step brought a new lance of pain to my body as I hobbled to the strange light in the distance.
It didn’t take long for me to stumble into the clearing that the light was coming from. A very wide tree was there and it seemed someone had managed to carve a house out of it without making it lose its original shape. I cautiously walked over to the window and took a look inside which only served to confuse me more. Inside was a very tribal setting, tiki masks were hung on the walls and strange colored potions were crowding the shelves and counters and just to wrap it all up a giant cauldron sat in the middle of the room. Now I am a sound business man so I know not to judge a book by its cover and move up to the door.
I knocked on the door with what strength I could muster and took a step back. Sure enough I heard footsteps moving to the door and a few seconds later the door opens wide. What I saw however was so far from what I was expecting that all I could do was stare like an idiot; standing there was not a person but a zebra that looked just about as surprised as I was. I have no idea how long we stared at each other before the zebra with a Mohawk finally did something…it talked.
“A creature I see, so new and strange. This should be an exciting exchange!”
It would seem that even I can succumb to stress, confusion and pain as my only response was a rather maniac laugh followed up by passing out. I guess that life wins this round…but only this one!
Dull pain is what brought me back to reality as my mind returned from the darkness that claimed it some unknown time ago. I was lying on my back and judging by the free feeling I was no longer wearing anything on my torso. Slowly I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling above me and the walls to either side. I looked down without raising my head and saw various bandages wrapped around my torso. I didn’t bother getting up, primarily out of confusion, and tried to piece everything together. I was then that my host came through the door.
“Awake at last, this is good. This time without falling tell me what you are, if you would.”
My reaction was less than perfect as I quickly jumped to my feet in an attempt to get ready for a fight. This was foolish as my head got fuzzy and it took all I had to not fall on my face but to land on my butt right back on the bed.
“Moving like that is unwise, for it will earn an early demise!”
“Yea…I caught onto that. Do you always speak in rhyme? It’s getting annoying.”
“To your remark I say ‘how rude’; do you always act so crude?”
“Right sorry, ok, a more important question, how are you talking? You’re a zebra; zebras don’t talk the last time I checked. Also, did you by some form of miracle work these bandages?”
“Talking is easy, every pony can do it! As for your injuries I did fix them, bit by bit!”
“Right, well thanks for that? Can you explain to me where I am?”
I am just going to shorten this because all of her rhyming got really annoying and it took all I had not to lash out at her for it. Apparently her name is Zecora and we are currently in a place called the “Ever Free Forest” or some such nonsense. I eventually got around to asking were on earth that was and she got confused about what earth was. Apparently I am now in some place called “Equestria” and even crazier is she claims that the entire place is populated by ponies, zebras, griffins, dragons and something called a diamond dog. The list was much longer but I toned her out after the first few. Sadly Zecora didn’t have all my answers and told me to go to some town called Ponyville.
I didn’t know what to think, this was way too much for me to process all at once so I took her advice and started to compose myself. I removed the bandages which showed some ugly bruises that would take a while to fade and Zecora returned the rest of my suit to me, she even managed to find my hat! Once I was as put together as I could I gave my goodbye to Zecora and started down the path she told me about to get out of the forest.
I was halfway there when I got that feeling of being followed. I slowed down and started to try and pick up any sound that was out of the ordinary. Sure enough I could hear heavy footsteps behind me in the bushes. I kept walking like nothing was wrong until I came to a part in the path that was slightly wider than the rest and turned around.
“Right now is not a good time, so whoever is there you might as well show yourself.”
Sure enough something did show itself…this something however was not was I was expecting. A large lion creature stepped out of the shrubs in a low stance. It was the strangest thing that I have seen in a long time, it had a lions body but the wings of a bad and the tail of a scorpion! It also looked really hungry and slightly pissed that I had found it before it pounced. Just like that it charged straight at me with speed I have not seen since myself and it took all I had to jump out of the way. It zoomed past me and slid to a halt before turning around to face me again. With the combination of confusion and rage still boiling inside of me I was not about to put up with anything, even a mutant lion thing. Its next charge was met with a straight kick to its nose. The combined force of its charge and my kick caused something to crack rather loudly and the thing staggered backwards. It shot me a look that said “what the heck dude! That really hurt!” before turning and running off; So much for being a predator.
The rest of the walk was calm and I eventually reached the end of the forest path. It spat me out within view distance of a town which I can only assume was this Ponyville. I slowly made my way to the town while I tried to figure out what was going on in my head. I wasn’t on earth anymore and the entire place was inhabited by crazy creatures and ponies…yea that still didn’t make any sense to me. My mind was ready to explode by the time I reached the town borders and I could already see that Zecora was telling me the truth. Everywhere I looked I saw colored ponies going about their day, it was like looking at a doctor sues book or something!
Eventually one of them saw me and froze on the spot as it made eye contact with me. We stared for a while and eventually I did the only thing I could think of, I waved my hand. Of course this was a bad move as the pony gave a rather human sounding scream as it ran for the hills bringing the entire place to high alert. Ponies everywhere were screaming and running at the sight of me and before you know it only the bravest of them were standing there glaring at me defiantly.
I was about to say something when one of them came from freaking nowhere and slammed into my side which exploded in a wide variety of different pains. The force ended and rolled across the floor before jumping to my feet and looking at the attacker. Standing there was a Blue Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail, she also looked really angry. Instinct took over once more and I ran at the Pegasus and sent a kick to its side. This thing was fast is before I even got close it was up in the air coming down at me for another attack. I dropped to my back and used both legs to kick up as it charged at me. Clearly not expecting this, the Pegasus tried to stop but couldn’t move out of my legs reach and both feet slammed into its get sending it flying away.
In moment we were both standing and glaring at each other getting ready for another go. It was then that I noticed a purple outline covering me and I was suddenly hoisted up into the air! I managed to turn and saw a purple unicorn there, its horn was glowing the same shade as the outline around me. Before I could say anything I felt a familiar darkness creeping up on my mind. I fought against it but it would seem these ponies are a bit more competent than I gave them credit for and for the third time in a row, I blacked out. This whole passing out this was getting really old.
Slowly but surely my mind came back from the dark void of unconsciousness and the world came into focus. First thing I noticed was the gray concrete ceiling so that obviously means I am lying on my back…again. However unlike last time I am still wearing all of my clothes which is a relief but instead of a bed I am laying on a pile of hay. Pushing myself into a sitting position I realize I am in a jail cell of some sort and around my ankles are shackles. I gave a few test tugs and sadly found them to be rather solid. I also had a pair of hand cuffs on but they were not linked together by a chain…no idea what purpose that serves but that just makes life a bit easier for me.
Looking around I realize my current location is more of a dungeon than a jail cell. There are thick metal bars that line the forward all and built into them is the door. A single square hole that is also filled will bars is supposed to be my window. There is also a bucket in the corner but I don’t feel safe guessing what that is supposed to be for. I pushed myself to my feet and stretched out to the best of my ability. Strangely enough I didn’t feel sore anymore. After a quick check I realize that no bruises are on my person and I actually feel better than I have in a while!
It was then that I heard heavy tumblers shift and the sound of a door open somewhere nearby. I sat down on the hay with my back against the wall and stared expectantly at the bars. Sure enough the purple unicorn from before shows up along with two larger…and armored ponies on either side of her. Both the guards glare at me and I shoot them my most business related smile…which only made them glare harder before the unicorn spoke up.
“Can you talk?”
“Well that makes this easier.”
The unicorn floated a note pad and surprisingly enough a quill and ink set before returning her attention to me.
“First off, who are you?”
“Isn’t it the polite thing to do is give your own name before asking for someone else’s?”
After rolling her eyes she spoke again. “I am Twilight Sparkle, who are you?”
“Twilight Sparkle? That’s an odd name. You may call me Daddy Long Legs or just Daddy Legs if that fits your fancy better.”
“Yet you claim for me to have an odd name? Alright then Daddy Legs, what are you?”
“I think that is obvious isn’t it? I am a human.”
“Ok, what exactly is a human? I have never heard of such a creature.”
“Right, um, bipedal mammals with hair on top of our heads and on various parts of our bodies. Hands and feet. Can’t say I am a biology or anatomy expert so I can only state the obvious.”
“Alright, why were you attacking Ponyville? Did we offend you somehow?”
“Hold up a second, what do you mean attacking Ponyville? I wasn’t attacking anything.”
“Then why were you fighting with Rainbow Dash when I showed up? That certainly sounds like attacking to me.”
“I was fighting because…she... came out of nowhere and slammed into my side! What was I supposed to do just lay there and take it?”
“You could have just told her that you didn’t mean any harm.”
“Right, because after being assaulted that it totally the first thing on my mind. Look, I was just looking for answers when all of this happened.”
“Answers to what?”
So I began my story from falling out of the sky to fighting with this Rainbow Dash character. I told her every last detail and by the time I was finished she looked about as confused as I was.
“So let me get this straight, you are not actually from Equestria but some other place called Earth?”
“Yea, that’s exactly what I am saying.”
“You only came here because a strange cloud thing sucked you here?”
This only seemed to excite the unicorn further as her eyes lit up and she gave what I can only describe as a squee before rambling about a spell or something. Twilight went on and on about how her dimension spell had actually worked and several other things before I had finally had enough of it and caught her attention again.
“I’m sorry Ms. Sparkle but, did you say that weird cloud thing was your doing?”
“Well yes, it was supposed to branch out and find another dimension if it existed. I don’t know why it brought you here though.”
“Ok then, while it has been a real pleasure I would love to go back home. I got things to do and places to be.”
“Um, I don’t know how to send you back, the fact that you are here in the first place is a mistake in the spell. It could be any number of things and if I do it wrong you could…show up anywhere.”
“So you are telling me that I am stuck here because of your incompetence?”
“Wow, if you want to be rude about it then yes.”
If it wasn’t for the dungeon cell and shackles I would have kicked that stupid look right off of her face! I gave a long drawn out sight before slumping even further down. Stuck in some crazy place ruled by ponies and I have no idea what to do, might as well be dead yea? Twilight continued to talk about who knows what and eventually I stopped her. If I am stuck here I need info on how things go and it seems that this pony actually has answers.
I put on my business face and started to ask questions about the ponies here and how their culture worked in exchange for what information I could give about humans. We talked for what seemed like hours before one of the guards gave a quick harrumph which apparently was a signal of some sort as Twilight packed up her things.
“Leaving so soon? Here I thought we were getting along famously.”
“Sorry but we have to go, Princess Celestia is waiting for us and I have kept her waiting for far too long.”
With a flicker of her horn the door to my cell slid open.
“Ah, I guess that us means you and me, not you and those guards behind you.”
“That’s right, I was given time to acquire information from you before the princess talks to you.”
“Well I certainly hope the princess doesn’t mind that fact that I look and smell like some kind of wild animal, it has been far too long since my suit and I have had a good cleaning.”
“Minor details Daddy Legs. Come along now.”
I pushed myself to my feet and shuffled along behind Twilight as the guards continued to glare at me. We walked down long grand halls of what I can only assume to be a castle. Everything looked amazing, the pictures, the tapestry, everything. If only I had shown up here rather than above a forest, things might have gone a lot different. After a little bit more walking we come up to a pair of giant double doors that obviously blocked the path to the main chamber. With a nod from the guards the door swung open and inside was the throne room. Massive decorations hung from the ceiling and vibrant flower pots lined the walls. We walked along a red carpet before coming to a halt before the throne and Twilight gave a bow to the figure sitting there.
Atop the throne was a much larger pony. This one had a white coat with massive white wings and a horn on her head. She sported gold regalia which I assumed was part of being royalty. This is clearly Princess Celestia and I had to admit I was rather impressed by how regal a pony could possibly look. She gestured for Twilight to approach and the two started sharing words while I simple stared at them. Not long had passed when Twilight stood at Celestia’s side and both of them turned to face me.
“Well Daddy Legs, it seems like you have had a rather interesting journey. Twilight has filled me in on what you are and how you came to be here. I am afraid to say that you are indeed stuck here in our world until we find a way to send you home. This raises the question, are you safe to leave among my subjects or will your time here be spent in the dungeon?”
“To be fair Princess, anyone can be dangerous, not just me. As comfortable as your dungeon is I would much rather have freedom to move as I please. So yes, I will behave like a good boy”
“Your attitude could use some work as could your sarcasm. As to your remark, it is true that anyone can be dangerous, but when a strange individual appears that can apparently keep up with a Pegasus in full motion…one has to be carefull.”
“Of course. So does this mean you will let me go?”
“Almost, I find myself curious about you so while you will have the freedom to move as you please I am going to assign you to my student Twilight Sparkle for observation. Should she find you to be less than favorable then it is back in the dungeon for you.”
“Fun, I get to have a babysitter for the duration of my stay. Very well, don’t suppose I could get these shackles off? They are really uncomfortable.”
With a nod one of the guards approached me and removed the shackles and wrist cuffs. I gave a stretch and sent the princess a smile. The rest of my conversation with the princess was just her telling me what was ok and what was not. Every now and then she would pop a question about human culture and I would answer to the best of my ability, anything to get this over will. After a while her questions were exhausted and I was on the verge of doing something stupid. Thankfully she dismissed Twilight and my time with her began as we gradually left the castle.
When Twilight and I had finally left the castle grounds and entered a place Twilight called “Canterlot”. This was clearly the pony version of a big city and tons of ponies were walking about going in and out of stores doing some shopping or some such activities. As we walked along I could feel the stares of many ponies all which had the same thought of “what the hell is that thing?” For every glare I received I gave it right back and that was enough to send most of them on their way again. Finally we reached a train station and Twilight motioned for me to take a seat.
While we waited for the train to arrive Twilight started to ask more questions about human culture; once again we began a trade of information and I was beginning to feel that I might be able to smooth my way into this place which to many hitches. If anything this place would raise my patients as I got the feeling that I would be repeating myself over and over again as each and every pony that was brave enough would surely ask what I was. Time flowed on and sure enough the train we were waiting for pulled up to the station.
The ride back to Ponyville was long but silent for the most part. Twilight was swamped with writing down every last detail I had given her and I was more than a little tired of talking. Not many ponies were on the train so I didn’t really have to worry about glares. A while later the trained pulled to a stop and both Twilight and I left the train and started walking back to her house. The sun had already set and most everyone was inside so we didn’t see anyone while walking back. There must be some sort of appeal to it because as we neared Twilight’s house I saw that she lived in a tree just like Zecora did. I didn’t bother to ask why but only asked where I would be staying. She had a room off to the side with a spare bed I could use. As it turned out the bed was way too small for me to fit in it so took the mattress off the frame and put it on the floor. Most of me could fit but at least half of my legs were hanging off. Sleep came quickly as the mental fatigue took over, at least I made it through the day without blacking out.
The next morning started about as normal as they could get given the situation I was currently in. I woke up some time around 8, got up and stretched and proceeded to try and get things into some sort of smooth flow. As it turns out these ponies do have plumbing and electricity so I have changed my opinion of them from animals to aliens…it just makes things easier to accept. Anyway, I was able to use Twilights bathroom and got myself to a much more acceptable rank of clean and did what I could for my cloths.
For the rest of the morning I proceeded to get as much information out of Twilight as I could. By the time I was finished I was fairly convinced that I fell into some sort of fantasy novel due to the sheer amount of mythological creatures she claims to live around various areas. The most stunning of them all was the fact that she lived with a dragon. Mind that is was far from the standard thoughts of dragons being large, scary and dangerous as hers, which she calls Spike, was small and relatively pudgy. After getting acquainted with the Spike I turned my attention back to Twilight to discuss a most pressing matter.
“So Twilight, I hate to be a bother but…would it be possible for me to get some new cloths around here? My current suit is looking and feeling a bit worn out and could use a good cleaning and I would rather not walk around naked.”
“Why not? I do it all the time, same with almost every pony I know.”
“We have been over this, humans have this nudity taboo and I am not looking to break it, even here.”
“Right, sorry, no offence. I can guarantee that there are no cloths stores that sell human cloths for obvious reasons so…you would have to get custom ordered cloths. This sounds like a job for my friend Rarity! We can get you acquainted!”
“Rarity”, are you kidding me?! That name just screams fashion diva…oh this is going to suck, I thought to myself and with a nod I agreed to Twilights plan and she went off to pack some things before we leave. Not 5 minutes later the two of us were walking back into town on our way to Rarity’s house which also doubled as her business hub. On the way there we were stopped by many different ponies all looking to meet the strange creature that was walking with Twilight and more than once did I have to repeat answers as they lacked the coordination to gather in a group and ask all and once. By the end of it all I wanted to kick more than one pony here but thankfully Twilight shooed them away saying we had important business to attend to.
Finally we reached the “Carousel Boutique” which was a rather…I am going to say decorated, for lack of a kinder word…building. If anything could be described as frilly and feminine this was it, primarily because of the light shades of pink and purple that were all over it. Twilight nocked on the door and soon enough a white unicorn with a painstakingly styled mane and tail answered.
“Twilight! Darling! How are you doing? What brings…you…here?” said the unicorn as she saw me
“Hello Rarity, I know this looks really weird but can we talk inside please?”
With that we were both ushered inside and the door closed and locked behind us. It took a long while of explaining and reasoning to bring the unicorn back down to a reasonable level of calm.
“Well then, it’s a pleasure to meet you Daddy Legs. Sorry for my reaction, although by the looks of you it seems you have a rather refined style.”
“The same could be said about you Lady Rarity, in fact that is the very reason we are here. As this suit no doubt shows I have been through a lot and find myself with the sudden lacking of fresh cloths to wear.”
“Well I wasn’t going to say anything but that suit looks like it lost a fight with a pair of dull scissors. Am I safe to assume you came to me in hopes of getting new clothing?”
“If it’s not too much to ask of you.”
“Of course! I have never made anything for a human before, this would be an excellent trial of my abilities! Do you have any preferences?”
“Well, I would like to be like this suit I am currently wearing. It needs to be durable but light, easy to move in with very little restrictions. I also find I like the shoulders to be just a tad bigger than what the measurements say. It also has to look good with my fedora as I refuse to go out without it.”
“Well, you certainly know what you like. Step up here and let’s get to work!”
So the next two hours were Rarity getting my measures and me showing each piece to her in detail so she could actually make a full set. Rarity picked up the blazer, tie, under shirt and pants very easily. The shoes gave her pause as did the socks but she caught on soon enough. What struck me as odd was how much my boxers confused her, I would have thought the shoes would have been the problem but the thought of wearing cloths beneath cloths that no one would ever see was border line illegal to her. Thankfully I convinced her other wise and she had all the information she needed.
Once Rarity was completely confident she had everything under control she told us to stop by tomorrow and Twilight and I left the house. It was around noon now so Twilight thought it would be a good idea to show me to lunch. Twilight brought me to some place called “The Misty Bowl” which apparently was best known for its soups. Once the brief scare of the waitress was over with we picked a window table and looked at the menus. This was going to take some getting used to as I quickly picked up on the lack of meat…kind of obvious as they are pony themed aliens but it was disappointing all the same. I did note that fish was still on the menu so that was a relief; protein won’t actually be an issue.
Twilight ordered a daffodil and daisy sandwich and I got the fish chowder. Lunch was rather calm and quiet save for two ponies who were curious about me just like all the rest. It wasn’t until we were both done eating and just sitting idly at the table when Twilight spoke up.
“So, I know it is a bit soon to be asking but, what do you think of our world right now?”
“A fair question. Baring the falling from the sky, several black outs, fighting with a Pegasus and waking up in a dungeon I must admit it is rather interesting. It feels a lot more tranquil than my home and certainly smells better. I don’t really have an opinion on the ponies though, not enough experience other than answering the same question fifty times over. Overall it seems stable enough…I still think I would rather be at my home rather than here.”
“At least you are giving us a chance. Anyway, Is there anything else you need or want to do?”
“Well, I noticed all the stalls outside selling various goods and that obviously means there is some sort of production going on. Would it be possible to see that?”
“Sure! My friend Applejack runs a farm for a living, selling apples.”
“Do you have a friend for every area of my interests? If so than perhaps we should just go down your friends list and save me the trouble of having to ask?”
Twilight gave a brief chuckle before responding “It certainly seems that way. Come on, let’s go.”
After Twilight paid the bill for our meal we started walking to what she called “Sweet Apple Acres” which is apparently the best place to get apples for miles on end. The trip took us out of the town and down a dirt road. It didn’t take too long given my normal walking speed so soon enough we passed through a gate that had an apple painted on it. What I saw was like the back of a juice box, rows upon rows of apple trees all of them tall, green and healthy. The pleasant smell of apples wafted through the air and the open area allowed a firm breeze to blow through making me hold onto my hat.
As Twilight and I passed through the rows of trees I began to hear a loud thumping noise every now and again. As we got closer and closer to the sound I eventually saw the source. An orange pony was there kicking the trees with both her hind hooves thus knocking the apples out of the tree and into buckets that surround the base of said tree. As for the pony herself, she was orange, had a blond mane and tail both of which were pulled back by hair bands, freckles on her face, greens eyes and to top it all off, a Stetson hat sat on top of her head…I approve of this.
“Well howdy there Twilight! Who is your freaky friend?”
Oh god, she has a southern accent…reminds me of Eric from the orphanage.
“Hi Applejack! This is Daddy Legs! He is the first human to ever be in Equestria! He was curious about produce and I immediately thought of you!”
“Well you came to the right place! First off though, How do you do Daddy Legs?”
“I’m fine, lovely to meet you Applejack.”
I reached my hand out and she apparently caught on as we gave a friendly shake of hand and hoof
“So, what are you curious about? Ah can’t say I know everythin’ but ah can try mah best!”
“To be honest, Twilight answered my question when she was able to walk here with me. Where I come from the farms are very far away and have to ship their produce to stores to be sold which creates a middle man for the farmers to have to deal with. Must be nice to simply gather your apples and sell them off yourself.”
“Well, not all farms are so close to a town that they can sell at; some of us have to make other ways to sell our products. If ya like I could give you a tour of the place, maybe introduce you to the rest of the family.”
“Please do, that sounds interesting enough.”
True to her word Applejack began to show Twilight and I around the farm. First and foremost were the apple trees. They have thousands of them! The field that I assumed was the entire farm was just one field of many! After that she brought us back around to the barn house. This was just like the barns from earth as they kept tools and various other items such as hay and feed here. While she was talking we ran into a very large pony. He was a red with a blond mane and tail, he also has a piece of hay in his mouth. His most notable feature being his height, he easily stands at twice the height of Twilight.
He introduced himself as Big Macintosh, or just Big Mac for short. He is the older brother to Applejack and a…stallion…of few words. We shared a brief conversation in which all he ever said was “eeyup” or “nnope” to most of my questions. The only way I got more out of him was asking a question that held a more detailed answer but even then he managed to keep it short. Thankfully Applejack wanted to continue the tour so we parted ways before I did something I would regret.
Next stop was the farm house. It was a simple building in the traditional red and white colors that barns normally sport. Inside it was cozy and carried the feeling that this was a place meant for family and not an individual to live in alone. In the living room I had the…ahem…pleasure of meeting Granny smith, and elderly green mare with a white mane and tail. Most of our conversation was her asking if I was some sort of alien from space here to steal her chickens and dentures…yea, that was about as awkward as it could be. Thankfully Twilight and Applejack convinced her that I was a friend and we quickly moved along.
Further into the house we ran into a much younger pony by the name of Applebloom. She was yellow with a red mane and tail. At first sight she ran up and bombarded me with question after question. I was really tempted to send her flying with a good kick just to get her to shut up but myself restrain managed to hold me back. I answered a few before Applejack sent her on her way as we still had a tour to finish. Applebloom left with a pout and the tour continued.
Finally Applejack showed us the back of the farm. This part looked like it was more for entertainment rather than work. A large picnic table sat on the grass and a tree with a tire swing was not too far from that. Not much more to see here so that ended the tour of Sweet Apple Acres. Amazing how time flies when you are occupied as it was nearing dinner and Applejack was kind enough to offer us a meal with the family, with nothing else on the agenda Twilight and I agreed. Twilight quickly returned to the library to pick up Spike and when she returned we all sat at the table for Dinner.
I don’t know why I expected anything other than apples; it was a foolish thought as every single dish was some form of apple base. Apple pie, apple strudel, apple sauce, apples and peanut butter. While it all tasted amazing I was so tired of apples by the end I almost felt like puking at the thought of eating any more. Some small talk went around after the meal was finished. The primary topic of course was me and my world. I should really look into writing this down so if another pony asks I could just give them the written copy rather than say the same thing over and over again. Luckily Twilight caught onto my irritation and quickly changed the topic to how current business was going for the farm.
Sometime later we said our good byes and left Sweet Apple Acres. The sun was still setting so there was a reasonable amount of ponies out and about by the time we reached Ponyville. Thankfully none of them were hoping to meet me and we made it back to the library without a single stop. When Twilight opened the door I saw that it was pitch black inside and I couldn’t see a think so I fumbled for the light switch. The moment I turned it on there was a loud bang as ponies jumped up from every corner of the library and a pink one jumped right in my face screaming “SURPRISE!” as loud as she could. My reaction could have been better I suppose as I jumped back and brought a kick around that connected cleanly with her side sending the poor pink pony fling across the room and into the wall.
The entire room fell silent and everyone there was either staring at me or at the pink pony who now lay on the floor groaning. As for me, my face was frozen between a horrified look and a panicked looked as I realized what I just did. The single minute that passed felt like an hour before Twilight ran over to the pink pony and began checking if she was ok; the rest of the ponies back away from me…all except one very familiar blue and rainbow Pegasus.
“What is your deal dude?! She threw you a party and you kick her?! I knew you were too dangerous to leave alone!”
“What did you expect me to do?! She suddenly jumped in my face screaming and my first reaction was to defend myself!”
“Oh please! You act like you never went to a surprise party! More like you just like to kick things and saw a good chance!”
“I haven’t been to a surprise party before! Also I do like kicking things but that was out of surprise and self-defense! It was an accident I swear!”
I think she was about to kick me square in the face when the pink pony I just kicked got to her hooves looking no worse for wear. She walked over and pulled Rainbow Dash away from me before speaking up.
“Well that is one way to start a party! I know you would be startled but I NEVER saw that coming! Don’t you worry about it though; Twilight fixed me up good as new! I’m Pinkie Pie and this is your surprise welcome-to-Equestria party!”
“Ah, yes, hello Pinkie Pie. I am Daddy Legs and I am really sorry about that, force of habit and what not.” After briefly looking around the room I said “Lovely party you got here! Thank you!”
“Alright! It’s time to paaaaaar-tay!”
By some form of miracle the pink pony with the fluffy pink mane and tail managed to get the party rolling. Cheery music began to play and the ponies that had gathered around got into the mood and the whole thing passed over. There were sweets aplenty and I avoided anything with apples in it. Punch was served that actually tasted like the fruit it was made of rather than the crap I was used to back on earth. Most of the ponies there I had already met and those that I hadn’t quickly came up and introduced themselves. I am never going to memorize all these names.
The party carried on well into the night and by the time every one was leaving it was one in the morning. I helped clean things up around the library and put away the left overs before sitting on the couch that sat against the wall in the main room. Twilight sat on the other side of the couch and we made simple small talk until both of us were yawning more than talking. We said our good nights and I returned to my mattress on the floor. Someone had removed the frame I didn’t use and replace the mattress with a larger one that I could actually fit on. Upon further inspection I found a note from one of the ponies I had met earlier, Lyra Heartstrings, which simply said “Hope this is better”, I would have to thank her the next time I saw her. I get the feeling that I might sleep better tonight and the world faded away not five minutes after I lay down.
It has been about two weeks since the party that Pinkie Pie threw for me and that I almost ruined it by kicking the poor thing. Rarity has more than kept her word and supplied me with several suits that are even more posh that my original one. She also mentioned something about magically enhancing them to be more durable than a cloth material should be, but that revolves around unicorn magic which is a complete mystery to me despite Twilight's attempts to explain.
Today marks the end of my first week in Equestria and I have learned a fair bit about this world. The most disappointing and concerning fact that I have learned through experience is this, I can’t do business the same way I did back on earth. I made and attempt to turn one of Twilight’s friends, Fluttershy, into a client but that ended….badly. I won’t go into detail about that encounter but I will say this, “Even the most bashful pony has a crazy aggressive side with a pair of eyes that can chill even lava to freeze solid.” It’s not just Fluttershy though, all of the ponies I have met are strong in mind and will, I have literally found no good clients.
Besides that little encounter with Fluttershy I have managed to keep a good reputation in Ponyville. With my ability to do business as I am used to I have had to change my stance and have since then put on the face of the gentleman. If you ask any pony that has talked to me they will say I am easy to get along with and very polite. Thankfully I have been able to keep my legs stronger than ever with the sheer amount of manual labor required to do much of anything. With no business I had a brief conversation with Applejack and she agreed to pay me if I helped out around the farm, so I keep my legs strong by kicking trees for hours on end…oh how the mighty have fallen.
Ok, I might be lying when I say that I only keep my legs strong by kicking trees, as it turns out even these cute looking ponies have their own style of fighting; from street brawling to actual martial arts you can find all types of fighters. To no big surprise at all, Rainbow Dash is actually an advanced student of the “Fallen Leaf” style martial arts…or some such nonsense. While most of the fighting styles are impossible for me seeing as how I have no wings or magic I have been able to keep up with an earth pony style called “Rolling Boulder” which requires a freakish amount of strength and control.
I think that about raps it up for an update on how I have been doing in Ponyville. I still stay with Twilight Sparkle simply because the library is in a prime spot, not too far from town and not to close either. Today is also one of the days I work for Applejack to earn some cash which would explain why I am currently walking to Sweet Apple Acres and talking to myself at the same time. Sometimes recapping all these incidents in my mind is the only thing that keeps my completely sane.
Upon reaching Sweet Apple Acres I found Applejack in the usual meet up spot just outside the barn. Nothing has changed about her, same hat, same mane and tail styles, same accent. I approached her with a wave.
“Hello Applejack! How are you today?”
“Hello to you too fancy pants, ah recon I am doin’ just fine. You ready to get some work done today? We gotta get all of fields four to eight done by today or we fall behind schedule.”
“Oh dear, it does seem like we have our work cut out for us then. No time to chat idly today I see. Off we go then.”
So just as promised we set out to get the apples out of the trees. Back on earth you would have to use a ladder to reach the top and pick each apple out one by one. Here in Equestria they settle for giving each tree a good kick and letting the apples fall out. When I offered to help the first time Applejack gave a nervous chuckle and asked if I could even hit the tree without hurting my legs. Partly in anger and partly to show her up I gave the nearest tree a good kick and every single apple feel from the tree. That was enough to land me the job.
As we worked out way through field five an apple that I had just kicked from a tree decided to have one last hoorah and landed square on my head before hitting the floor. With a grumble I moved to pick it up only to hear laughter from behind me.
“Yea yea, laugh at the human who was just assaulted by an apple, real funny AJ.”
“Well yea, that was pretty funny even if it does happen to the best of us. I was more laughing at you directly rather than the apples attack.”
“I am not sure if I should be insulted or confused…or both.”
“Ah, right, sorry about that, I don’t mean no offence. It’s like this, when you first showed up on my farm a few days back you had this look about you. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was but it seemed like you were just waiting for an opening to use to your advantage in one way or another. Now it seems more like ya just wanna make it to the end of the day.”
“Is that so? I guess having a massive change to your life would be bound to change something about you as a person.”
“Fair enough. Mind if I ask you a question?”
“You just did.”
“Ha ha, very funny fancy pants.”
“I thought it was.”
“Anyway, I wanted to ask, do you miss your world something fierce? Your family or friends?”
“Well, I do miss a few things about my home pretty badly, mainly the food. As for family and friends…I didn’t have any, so no, I don’t have anyone to miss.”
“What do ya mean you don’t got any family or friends?”
“Exactly that. I grew up in an orphanage for my entire life. According to the staff there I was found on the door step when I was just a year old. As for friends, I never really bothered…I was always very busy.”
“Sorry about that, didn’t mean to upset you or anything. But I gotta know, what kept you so busy that you never bothered to make friends?”
“Sorry AJ, but that is something I keep to myself. Suffice it to say that I had many things that kept me moving from one area to another.”
“Once again, fair enough.”
The rest of my shift with Applejack went quickly and quietly. No more apples aiming for the top of my head and thankfully no apples that felt like sticking to firmly to their branches. It only took a few more hours before we had everything carted back to the barn house and Applejack gave me my pay for the day. Apparently it was a very small sum compared to what other jobs would pay but things were so incredible cheap around Ponyville that I didn’t even care.
So here I am walking back to Twilight’s house with nothing to do but think to myself. As I am walking here I can’t help but notice how different this world is to earth. Everywhere you look is clean and natural with very little manual interference. Back on Earth you couldn’t take five steps without seeing some man made thing or another. Not only that but Equestria smells much better than earth, rather than car fumes and various chemicals that drift about you get fresh clean air that smells of various plants. While all of this is good, great even, I can’t help but feel that I am losing myself to this world, slowly but surely, I believe I am changing.
My thoughts were interrupted by a scream and the sudden application of force to my back which sent me flying forward and face first into the dirt. As I struggled to pull myself together I felt a weight lift from my back and someone helped me up to my feet. My attacker, Rainbow Dash, now stood in front of me looking more than a little bashful.
“Uh, sorry about that handy, lost control of a trick and you just happened to be in my crash course.”
“I see you are still taken to calling me ‘Handy’ even though you know my name. Also, for someone who claims to be the best flyer in the world you sure do mess up a lot.”
Rainbow Dash quickly went from bashful to angry “You trying to say something there Handy?”
“Just making an observation Rainbow. No matter how much you don’t like it…it’s the truth. Maybe you should consider a more ground based hobby?”
“Look here buddy, I can fly circles around any other Pegasus in Ponyville so you best watch your mouth! I was trying a new trick and those are bound to have a few crashes on the road to perfection!”
“Sure, sounds like excuses…Rainbow Crash.”
Something about that name really eats are Rainbow as it had the effect I was hoping for.
“Bring it feather brain!”
So she did and rather quickly I might add. In mere seconds she was just a foot from my face…but my foot was also close to her face. Sensing the incoming hit Rainbow pulled a twist that would have sent any other Pegasus crashing into the floor; now she was coming at me from the side and I still hadn’t recovered from my last kick. I had mere seconds to react as Rainbow came in for a hit to my side; using what momentum I had I spun in place and brought my foot around again at Rainbow. Nowhere near enough power to stop her, so I settled for a trade; Rainbow’s hoof hit my side and my foot hit hers sending us both to the ground.
With a quick jump I was back on my feet only to see Rainbow as gone and I had the building sensation that doom came from above. I hit the floor not a second too soon as Rainbow made a pass at me that would have brought me down for the count. Using her wings as an advantage Rainbow made several passes at me as I could only dodge. Sure enough I got a good idea and started waiting for the next pass. As Rainbow came down I gave a jump and went right over her and then came back down on her back.
Rainbow didn’t miss a beat and started doing rolls to try and throw me off but I already had my legs locked and I wasn’t letting go. Round and round we went before I finally got the grip I needed; holding onto one of Rainbow’s wings right at the base she could no longer keep up and we both started going for the ground. Apparently Rainbow wasn’t going down alone as she twisted in my grip and now grappled with me in midair.
Neither of us could get a one up on the other and as a result we both slammed into the floor and tumbled together in a ball for a good twenty feet before stopping in a pile. We glared at each other for a minute before we both lost it and laughed like we were crazy.
“Oh my gosh! You are so crazy Handy!”
“I couldn’t help it! It was such an obvious opening and I really felt like going for a fight.”
We lay like that for a while just waiting for the laughter to subside enough or us to compose ourselves. It was a known fact around Ponyville that Rainbow and I are sparring partners and finding us beating the crap out of each other is a normal occurrence. I stood up with Rainbow and dusted myself off while Rainbow did the same. We shared a few comment on how we could do better in a fight and then said our good byes. I was a bit sore after that but honestly it is the only time I can vent in the one way that I am used to.
Finally reaching Twilight’s house I went inside and found Twilight in the same spot she was in when I left, sitting at her desk surrounded by so many books I could barely see her. I gave a greeting and she sent a hurried return before going back to her work. I went into my room and sat down at the desk that I had managed to buy with the bits that Applejack paid me. It wasn’t until I had sat down for a few minutes that I noticed the letter sitting on my desk. Opening it up this is what I saw,
“Dear Daddy Legs,
If you want your hat back you will come to Sugar Cube corner the moment you read this letter.”
I quickly spun around and sure enough my hat was missing from my bed. Whoever this was from they clearly knew how to get my attention. Gathering myself up again I quickly left without a word and headed for Sugar Cube Corner. Looks like some things are still the same, people like to steal.
When it comes down to insults I can safely say that I can take most verbal abuse and simply walk away from it, only a fool jumps into a rage at simple words or petty actions such as a slap or a poke to the chest. I have taken many hits and verbal abuse over my life and have simply walked away if it was the correct action. However, no matter how calm someone might appear you have to remember that everyone has a breaking point. For most people it is going after their friends and loved ones that will send them over the edge. I don’t have a family, I don’t have friends…but I do have a hat that I have cherished for years and someone has made the mistake of taking it from me.
I know it sounds stupid to get worked up over a something as simple and minor as a hat, but this hat holds a special meaning to me…sentimental value if you will. It was the first thing that I was able to buy for myself using money that I earned from doing honest business. So here I am, nearing Sugar Cube Corner and hopefully whoever was stupid enough to steal my hat. Upon reaching the building I noticed nothing out of place and when I entered I didn’t see anyone looking suspicious or holding my hat, so I approached the counter.
“Hello Mrs. Cake, how are you today?”
“Oh! Daddy legs! Just the guy I was looking for! I have a letter for you.”
“A letter? From who?”
“I don’t really know, it was left on the counter while I was in the kitchen, it has your name on it though.”
“I see, thank you and sorry for taking up your time.”
With a final nod to Mrs. Cake I opened up the letter and began reading:
If you are reading this then you are on the right track, go North West from Sugar Cube Corner. You will know when to stop.
Whoever is toying with me sure has a way of pissing me off. I crumpled up the note and threw it away as I left the store and started northwest out of Ponyville. The walk took me to a small forested area, that is to say it had more trees than normal but certainly wasn’t the Everfree forest. As I continued walking I eventually came to a small clearing and much to my surprise saw my hat laying there on the floor at the base of a tree. I admit it should have looked suspicious but my hat took priority and I ran over to pick it up.
The moment I picked up my hat this is what I heard from above:
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADER HUMAN SPECIALIST TEAM!”
All at the same time I was hit with not one, not two, but three lumps of hyperactive fillies all landing on my shoulders. Mind you that they are far from too heavy for me to hold them but when they suddenly fall on me I can’t vouch for being able to stay on my feet. In ten seconds flat I was on my back with Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom standing on my chest looking rather proud of themselves.
“You can’t be serious right? It was you three that did all this?”
“That’s right! We are earning out cutie marks for being specialists on all things human!” Cheered Scootaloo.
“By you following all of our hints this proves that we know how to provoke a human to action!” added Sweetie Belle.
“Yup! All we had to do was get the right bait and sure enough you showed up!” said Apple Bloom
The only coherent thought in my mind was to twitch my left eye at the mere thought of what was going on. I sat up quickly throwing the three of them off before giving them a stern look.
“Now you three listen good, what you just did was so far from ok that I feel that words are not enough to express it, however it is all I am going to do for your sake. First off, stealing my hat and using it to lure me all the way out here for whatever purpose is bad. Second, using the right bait for anyone or anything will work so that doesn’t apply to humans alone. Lastly, I was there when we watched that movie with Twilight last night, you simply copied what the protagonist did from there.”
All three of them looked crestfallen as what I said sank in. In one simultaneous movement all three of them gave me an apology hug and said “we’re sorry”. I may be a business man who can harden his heart for the sake of making money but I am not evil, even I melted a bit at the cuteness of it all. I returned the hug briefly before putting them down and returning to my feet.
“With that out of the way I am honestly curious, what is the Human Specialist Team?”
“Well, when you got here we were going to write down everything you could tell us about humans and memorize it so we could be specialist on humans! Then we would get our cutie marks! Squeaked Sweetie Belle.
“Wow…um, I hate to tell you girls this but, to be a specialist on something you have to know almost everything about the topic in question and while I know a lot about humans…I don’t know everything.”
“What?! So this was all for nothing from the start?!” shrieked Scootaloo
“I’m afraid so, sorry girls.”
All three of them just stared at the floor for a while letting that information sink in. I thought they would be down and out for the rest of the day at this but instead they all just sprang to their hooves and started passing new ideas around. I was happy that they were moving again but some of the ideas I was hearing sounded dangerous and I wanted nothing to do with it so I slipped away while they were talking about trying hang gliding again…yea, those three are something special.
As I walked away from the Cutie mark crusaders my mind began to wander again. Am I really who I used to be? Before this place I wouldn’t even think of giving a hug. If I went back to Ponyville or Twilight’s house I am sure I would forget but…I am not sure if I want to. So I turned away and started walking back to where this all began, Everfree forest. What is it about this place that is making such an impact? Sure I can kick just as much butt as I could before I came here, heck maybe even more, but I don’t feel as…spiteful? I don’t even know what my own emotions are any more.
Back on earth I didn’t care about anyone but me and my clients and even then I only cared about my clients being able to pay me and not so much as their wellbeing. I was looking out for number one and didn’t care if anyone though I was being a monster in the process. Everyone was out to get me, even if they said they weren’t I knew they were lying. Some would call that paranoid but I know how greasy people can get and I wasn’t going to risk anything on petty trust.
However I no longer feel that way here. No; instead I feel like I can actually let my guard down and no one will swoop in to take me down. Every pony I have met has either become close to me in a way that I actually went through the trouble to remember their names. Others would simply state that they don’t like me but would rather avoid any fighting so they simply ignored me. There is no under cutting here or shady works, everyone is exactly what they appear to be on the surface…and that scares me. This world is not better than earth, it is different, and depending on how you think it might be a better different or a worse. I don’t know what to think any more.
As I moved aimlessly through the forest I found myself in familiar territory, to be more precise I was back into that creepy lion, scorpion, bat things land. Twilight called it a manticore and warned me to try and avoid them but it would seem my subconscious mind has leaded me right into the middle of it. As if on cue the manticore in question walked out of the bushes in its hunting stance. I was about to get ready to kick it again when recognition clicked in its mind and it sank back a bit holding its nose. I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit bad about that, I did kick it pretty hard.
Rubbing the back of my head I gave a simple apology and to my surprise it seemed to understand. Slowly the manticore walked up to me and cocked its head to one side. I gave a chuckle and reached my hand out to pet its puffy mane and sure enough it leaned into my hand. This seems like one of the most unlikely things in the world but here I was petting a carnivorous hunter like it was a simple house cat. Eventually it broke away from my pettings and left after giving me a firm lick to the face…ok, I could have lived without that part.
I could only smile as the manticore, which was now another creature I had managed to befriend through violence, walked away. I don’t even remember why I am out here; just goes to show you that this place can help you forget…the…past. Well, I certainly remember now! So off I went walking in no direction specifically as I mulled over my thoughts. Either fate is messing with me or my feet a dirty traitors as I eventually found myself at the small clearing that held Zecora’s house. Why not, let’s see if Zecora can help me figure out my mind. I approached and knocked on the door.
“Well hello my human friends, to what does your visit intend?”
“Yea, hi Zecora, can I come in?”
With a short nod she stepped aside and I stepped inside her small home. Not much has changed here except there are more potions on the shelves and the caldron was bubbling with something that smelled of lemons and lavender. I walked over to the side and slumped against the wall and Zecora came over with a worried look.
“Before anything I got to ask you to stop the rhyming things, it doesn’t help.”
“Very well, for you I will stop, so tell me what brings you here in such a state as to slump on my floor?”
“I don’t even know, my mind is moving a mile a minute and I have no idea what to think any more. Ever since I showed up here I have felt odd, like I am changing from who I really am. Can you lose yourself for real?”
“Hmm, are you sure you are losing yourself and giving into the world? Or are you finally acting the way you have always wanted now that you have the chance?
“Well, here you are in a world that knows nothing about you as a person and species thus meaning you have a clean plate to work with. Rather than lose who you really are, you might be acting in a way that you have always wanted to but never got the chance to before.”
“So you are saying that I’m expressing a side to myself that I have been repressing because of the environment I was in before?”
“Yes, exactly that.”
“HAHAHAHAHAAHAH! Oh man! You had me going there for a minute Zecora! That’s funny, like I would ever want to be some relaxed, friend hugging chump! That’s hilarious!”
“You asked for my opinion and I gave it, however it seems you plan to disregard it after hearing the entire thing and understanding it. I would hope you will consider it more than that. Being a “relaxed, friend hugging chump” is actually rather nice.”
“Right, sorry about that, I didn’t mean to laugh, I just didn’t expect that. Yes, I will think on what you said but I think that laugh is what I needed most, so thank you for that.”
“You are welcome, I would ask that you keep the fact that I do not rhyme a secret from the ponies, it is kind of my thing.”
“Your secret is safe with me Zecora, thanks for the help again.”
With that I quickly left Zecora’s and headed back for Ponyville. The sun was setting and I bet Spike was already cooking up dinner while Twilight either wondered where I am or buried her face even deeper into a book. Talking with Zecora did seem to help, got a good laugh out of it as well. For some reason though I couldn’t disregard what Zecora had said…while I think it is ridiculous her words still ring in my head. Something tells me that I have even more thinking to do before any of this will make any form of sense.
How many days has it been since these thoughts really started to eat at me? I remember talking to Zecora about them…four days ago I think? I figured it was just another one of those things that you laugh about and then forget but, the truth is exactly the opposite. I laughed at them, oh yes I did, but that was the wrong thing to do as they now haunt me every day! Nothing clicks together, I don’t have the answers and thinking with business isn’t helping for once!
Am I losing myself to this place? Can having a massive change to your life style change who you are? Is this new attitude I have been using really what I want to be? These are the most frequently asked questions and I can’t find an answer. For once in my life I am honestly scared. I can’t kick questions away no matter how long or strong my legs are…it’s like having an annoying little kid dance around you while being tied to a pole, you can only stand there and listen as it babbles on and on and things you would rather ignore.
Worst of all is the fact that I can’t keep this hidden behind my business smile. I notice how Twilight has been giving me worried looks as I meander around aimlessly in the library. Apple Jack has been staring at me and asking if everything is alright. Pinkie Pie has been poking me nonstop for things that make humans happy. Finally Rainbow Dash says that am getting a bit carried away when we spar. This is getting out of my hands, everything is falling through my fingers and the only ways to get things back on my track is to find answers. I don’t know where…nor can I stand being in this library much longer before I scream. A quick fight with Rainbow Dash should clear my mind, and then I can try searching the books around here for clues.
Without a word I left the library at a fast pace and headed for Rainbow Dashes cloud home. Today was her early shift on cloud duty so she should be home. I got enough self-control to get a good sparing round in without getting carried away…I hope. I reached her house rather quickly and called up to her. I waited around but I never got an answer so I tried again…and again but to no avail. I turned to leave but noticed there were hoof prints on the floor, several sets of them and still relatively new if I am looking at them right. They stopped right here behind were I was standing…then went right…near the ever free forest?
Why not follow them? I could use the distraction from all this thinking my brain is making me do. I followed the tracks which got rather difficult when the dirt faded and grass began but I just made the best guess and moved along. Eventually I began to hear voices, very faint, but still there. I couldn’t make out what they were saying but there is more than one voice…two…no three male voices and obviously Rainbow Dash’s voice. Just a bit further and I saw what was unfolding, three Pegasus guys were standing in front of Rainbow Dash while her back was to a tree, this is the tell-tale picture of a rather unfriendly talk.
“You heard us the first time Rainbow CRASH, you keep out of the next best young flyer competition and we won’t have to cripple you to make sure. Easy as that really.” claimed the blond one.
“I knew you guys were jerks but this is way beyond the level of low I thought of you. I thought we were cool after all that.”
“We was just caught up in the moment, now are you going to agree or is this going to get violent?” said the brown one.
The last one simply laughed as the others began approaching Dash; while I am sure she would have found a way out of this on her own I decided to step out from where I was crouching. It was either the fact that I thought of Rainbow as a good friend or it was all the thoughts or the fact that my mind was stilling feeling frazzled but upon approaching the three offenders I could tell I had the creepiest smile on my face.
“Hello boys! Having a fun chat with Rainbow Dash are you?”
“Shove off monkey man, this isn’t about you.”
“Oh but it is, Rainbow is a friend, a good friend. I heard what you said; you are threating her which justifies my next move.”
The blond one did even get the chance to think about what I was doing as my right heel connected smashed into his nose at a record breaking speed and power level sending him flying backwards and into a tree where he crumpled to the floor in a heap. Next was the brown on who attempted a buck but found only air where I was standing. I came down on his back forcing him to the floor and gave another good kick to his side sending him to land on top of his friend.
The last one was about to run but I did the last thing I would have ever done was I in my right mind, I rushed in front of him and firmly grasped his mane in my hands and brought him face to face with me. The look of terror in his eyes would have shocked me back into place but I was pretty far gone and ignored it.
“I normally kick the people I don’t like, but that doesn’t mean I can’t use my hands, they are far from worthless…like so!”
I gripped his mane firmly and brought him up and over my shoulder in some sort of judo throw that brought him down onto the floor head first. He landed with a thump and fell limp. I couldn’t help it; it was all just so funny! This world did this to me, no longer was I the business man who would only fight to keep things moving smoothly. Now I was fighting because that’s all I have left of myself! It’s just so funny! I threw my head back and laughed into the sky. I laughed and laughed and laughed until it turned into something I can only assume was maniac laughter. Everything and anything, it didn’t matter, it was just so funny.
This situation feels painfully familiar; the smell of hay, the dull light shining through a small barred up box that served as a window and finally the shackles around my ankles making any sort of kicking impossible. A major difference however is the shackles on my wrists now have a chain linking them together as well. I finally tried to sit up but that caused a spike of pain in my head so I remained lying down until that subsided. When it did I sat up and took in the sight of that dungeon cell that I was in so long ago.
At first I couldn’t remember what happened; not just what got me here but for the last couple of days all I could remember was blurs and muffled voices. Slowly and regrettably the memories began to sink back into clarity and I remembered everything. The questions, the thoughts and when I snapped, the fight. I used everything I had back then on those three…hopefully they are alright; I don’t mind being known as a fighter but a murderer…that would be too much. None of that matters now though, my cover is blown…or at the very least under serious doubt.
I sat there for an untold amount of time before I heard the door in the distance open followed by the sound of many ponies walking. I was expecting guards with an interrogator or maybe even Twilight but instead I took in the sight of Princess Celestia herself standing in front of my cell…surrounded by no less than five guards.
“Do you know why you are here Daddy Legs?”
“Yea, I already remember. It would seem that my cover is blown.”
“It is all very simple princess. The human you know is just some façade that I put on to keep things moving smoothly. Back in my world I would be called a criminal but I liked to call myself a business man. I was abandoned as a kid, only one year old and raised as an orphan. Because of my big legs I was seen as weird so I was never adopted. If the world wanted to be cruel than I would use what I had and what others had to make it easy. I would extort money out of anyone I could push around in return for making sure nothing bad happens to them. I did this for years! Finally things were slowing down and I would be in the clear in just another year or two and could live a normal life just like everyone else. Then your precious little student ruined everything with her magic spell and this world starts to have its way with me. As it turns out if you try to change someone so drastically they will snap and then this happens.”
“So you are truly a violent human who made his living off of the suffering of others to make up for the suffering you had to go through?”
“Yup, a perfect business man in action.”
“What I don’t understand is why you say that my world is changing you which caused your little break down. Explain that.”
“That is also simple. Before this place I was calm, cool and collected with everything I was doing. I was tough and didn’t take crap from anyone. I had money and a plan to make things keep moving. Then out of the blue I am thrown to this world and everything changes. I can’t run my normal business here so I have to get an honest job. I don’t have a plan other than keeping up a mask of the polite human so every day I have to improvise. There are no other humans so I am constantly surrounded by aliens! Not long after all these changes do I start changing myself! I actually LIKE being around these ponies. I enjoy the work I am doing alongside Applejack. Talking with almost any of them brings a smile to my face. For the love of all things holy, I actually gave a willing hug to a bunch of fillies that stole my hat! If that isn’t your world screwing with my brain then I don’t know what is.”
“So all of this built up inside of you until you couldn’t handle it and it all came rushing to the surface during that fight?”
“Seems that way.”
After that she just stood there staring at me; my guess is she was deep in thought so I just sat there and stared right back at her. I have heard stories of her banishing those she does not wish to deal with to the moon, at least that would end this all quickly…I hope. Maybe she will just leave me to rot in this dungeon cell for the rest of my days, which would suck. She might even…open my cell door? Much to the surprise of her guards and me she opened the door to my cell and walked casually inside. I didn’t think she needed to be that close to send me to the moon but hey, whatever works. However it seems she is full of surprises as she reached down and pulled me into a gentle…yet firm hug.
“I’m sorry Daddy Legs. I should have known this would happen. Suddenly having to change everything you know of, especially after the life you had, would have broken anyone I can think of.”
“Um, ok, but have you forgotten about the entire “super dangerous and violent human part?”
“Besides the fact that you are little to no threat to me, I don’t think you are so dangerous or violent at all. From what you have told me I think you act that way to hide what you really want.”
“Do tell, what do I really want?”
“Friends, family and an environment that actually cares about what happens to you.”
“You sound just like Zecora, and the answer will be the same that she got. That is not what I want.”
“Then why would you use this elaborate lifelong plan of extortion and shady business simply to live a normal life at the end?”
I had to admit it, she got me there. Why would I do all this simply to get a normal life? I didn’t have an answer so I just sat there in her embrace until she started talking again.
“Those new feelings that have been showing up in your attitude and social behavior are what you have always wanted to express but never were you given the chance. Ever since you could remember all you have known is loneliness and a feeling of abandonment, no child should have to grow up without even knowing their parents’ names. All of this came at you at once and it scared you, so you acted in the only way you knew how.”
She finally released me from her hug and looked straight into my eyes.
“But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore Daddy Legs. You can have friends and family here, you should know by now that these ponies are completely truthful in their attempts to be your friends. You don’t have to run anymore.”
I have no words to explain what I was feeling at that moment. Everything she said made sense and everything fell into place like pieces of a puzzle. For my entire life I have thought that tears could no longer be shed from my eyes but sure enough a few tears start falling. Rapidly it goes from a few tears to uncontrolled sobbing. I clung to Celestia like a child would its mother and years of frustration and pretending to be a tough fell away revealing the sad human that was being ignored for years on end. I have no idea how long I stayed like that, I only know that Celestia didn’t move for the entire time and simply let me vent as I could.
Finally and thankfully the tears stop and I composed myself as best I could. I pulled away from Celestia who used her magic to undo the shackles around my ankles and wrists.
“Ok, so you got me, but I have already ruined everything. Rainbow Dash will likely have told everyone about my whole episode thing from earlier.”
“That’s true, most every pony in Ponyville knows what happened, however they all know the real you, the you that you mistook for a simple act. Rather than fear they are worried about you. I think it’s time that you head back and get this all off your chest.”
“Right, any way I can get back to Ponyville faster than the train?”
With a grin and a few words Celestia had her chariot prepped and ready for a very fast trip. Within minutes I was in the air being pulled along by two of Celestia’s own personal guard. I already had a plan to work this all out, and having a plan was my specialty! Upon landing in Ponyville it only took a few minutes for a crowd of ponies….my friends to gather around with worried looks on their faces and questions on the tip of their tongues. With a deep breath I began telling them all the truth, about me, about what happened, and about what I have learned.
Two months have passed since that fateful day. At first things were rocky, many of the ponies there were hesitant to take my word on being a new person. It was understandable given what i had just told them. Thankfully Twilight and all her friends were still with me in the end. Slowly and with a bit of work I had earned the trust of most of Ponyville once again only this time it wasn't just an act. I still work with Applejack on her farm, Twilight still lets me stay at her place, Rarity has made an impressive line of human formal wear, Pinkie Pie has thrown many a party with me invited, Rainbow Dash still likes to spar with me and Fluttershy still invites me over for tea on Fridays.
To live your life in the way you wish may not be easy, it will be full of trials and challenges that may seem to be unbeatable; but with hard work and dedication you don't have to use others to make things easy on yourself. It took a lot more than just some hard work for me to figure that out but at least i can help others before they take a path similar to mine. Equestria makes a fine home even if i am the only one of my kind here, but i am surrounded by friends who are close enough to be my family and that bridges the gap between species just fine in my opinion.
For a while Twilight would work endlessly to figure out a way to send me back but honestly; it has been so long that my place on earth no longer exists and with some convincing she dropped the spell entirely. So here i am, living side by side with a bunch of randomly colored ponies and i cant imagine a better place to be. Every day is an adventure here and you just have to take it in stride. That's all there is to my story. Time for me to get back to business.