I was sitting on the plane looking at the other Marines. They had their gear on as well, and I looked down at my M249 it was clean with CLP. My Sergeant put his hand on my shoulder and said,
"Don't worry we will make it out alright." He was trying to comfort me. I was the newest marine right out of bootcamp, I went from MOS to my reserves company then to the plane with the marines that have at least two tours in Iraq. I looked at him and smiled and said,
“Alright Sergeant I'll try to get some sleep before we get there.” He looked at me and said with a smile,
“Good you need to be at your best or you’ll be falling behind.”
I woke up to the sound of unfamiliar voices
"What do you think it is? I mean it looks kind of big to be a pony and what's with all the clothes it has on, well they look kind of like a uniform."
"Twilight, what did you do this time? I mean you could have at least warned the mayor before the whole explosion thing."
"I was just walking with and Rarity. Then this thing just popped out of nowhere I don’t think Pinkie’s Pinkie sense could have picked this one up."
I looked up and saw three horses in front of me I looked down and saw my M249 on the ground I quickly picked it up and loaded a magazine. I stood up and looked around for someone. I yelled out and said as I aimed,
"Come out I heard you talking, I know you are there I will not die without a fight you hear me you fucking terrorists you can't kill me just like that."
I scanned around and saw a tree, I ran as fast as I could to it and got behind it pulling out my radio and I started trying to get a connection. I yelled into the radio but its batteries were dead.
"You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me I just had a full battery fuck me god and fuck you. You can't take me yet, I know you are trying to get me but I will fight just like I have all my life fucker."
I looked out behind the tree and saw the same horses and yelled.
"Fucking animals what are you looking at for all I know you are filled with a bombs you fucking animals." They looked at me two had horns coming out of their heads the other one had wings. One was white with violet hair, the other horned one was purple and had dark purple hair. The winged one looked the oddest one out of them I mean you who would dye a horse's fur and hair such colors but why a rainbow color and why sky blue also who would you even put fake horns on them even the wings what sick mind would do that.
Then I heard a voice it sounded human like a girl. ‘Maybe its the army or a fellow marine.’ I thought to myself.
"Excuse me who are you?" It asked confused
I stood up still aiming past the horses, I walked past them looking around for any sign of intelligent life as I passed the horses it happened again.
"Well excuse me you could have just answered my friend without pushing us." it said again but in a way it was close.
I answered back,
“I know you can see me but why can't I see you? Are you friend or foe? I have a machine gun and I'm locked and loaded, you try anything I will shoot. just show yourself and we may be able to help one another. I just want to get back to my company and I need help.”
Then it happened a third time. The winged one was flying in front of me and I couldn't believe it. I mean who else sees this. I Fell to the ground and said out loud,
“I must have walked into an opium field and I'm so high I could be in a coma for all I know, but how do I not remember landing. It just doesn't making any sense how did I even get here?” It happened again for the last time I looked up at the horses they had circled me and the one with purple said.
"Excuse me but who are you? And if you want to know where you are you just had to ask." I looked at the horse's for a while and started laughing.
"A talking horse I must be high, I couldn't have even pictured this I mean who would think of talking horses I mean really."
"Well excuse us for not being what you were expecting. I mean really who do you think you are." Said the white one.
I stood up and looked at the horse and said.
"Well why not talk to a horse I mean what could go wrong? I mean at least I can think clearly. Well horse I'm Lance corporal Smith and who might you be?" They looked shocked as if I was crazy.
"Well you can call me Twilight sparkle and the flying one is Rainbow Dash and the last one is Rarity. Can I ask you what you are and why you carrying so much stuff cause you don't look like a normal pony I've seen.” Said Twilight.
"Well Twilight I'm not a pony I'm a human and just to let you know ponies or horses don't normally talk they just eat, shit and sleep as for the stuff, I was on my way to war and this stuff is for me to defend myself and country. If I may where the Sam hell am I cause this doesn't look like USA or any place on Earth." I said
Twilight stood up like a person was going to give a speech about something long and dry.
"Well you are in the land of Equestria that is ruled by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. To be more specific you are in the park of Ponyville and no, this is not earth or what was it.... USA. We could see if the Princesses know of a way getting you back.”
I looked at her in surprise.
"You really think that they have seen a human in their lifetime. I mean really I just think this I just a dream brought by fear of war. Its still really odd that I still have my stuff so I guess I got nothing to lose lets see these Princesses of yours."
Twilight smiled at me. Her friend named Rarity looked at her with concern and asked
"My I have a word with my friends good sir?" I looked at her and nodded. She grabbed her friends and walked over to the tree that I had hid behind. I look down at my M249 and though if it still worked. I stood up looked at the sky and saw a cloud that looked like building and pulled the trigger.
As I aimed I looked at the cloud and thought it was odd that it wasn't moving and was so similarly shaped to a building that it reminded me of a castle.
"Oh well" I said as I pulled the trigger. Three rounds shot out of my M249 and the sound echoed around me.
That's when I heard a scream of an animal as it fell out of the sky. I watched a bird fall and hit the ground. Then a another scream, but it sounded a lot like the ponies and was filled with fear then pain.
I looked back at the ponies and saw they were in shock at the sounds of my M249 and the screams. They looked at each other and yelled out "FLUTTERSHY" and started running towards the sound. I looked at them in confusion and started running behind them. Thinking, ‘I'm most likely following goat in the desert and I'm so high I can't see them for what they really are.’
I caught up to them and there was another pony, but it was yellow with pink hair and had wings. The pony was holding the bird, it looked like a pheasant and I must have taken out its heart or lung. It was dead and there was nothing anyone could do.
The yellow pony looked up at me as I stood over them. They only came up to my waist when they were standing on all fours and she was sitting down. I had a guilty look on my face. It jumped up and screamed that I killed the bird and she was looking right at it. Then she stood up faster than I could blink and started to fly in my face.
“YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KILLED THIS INNOCENT ANIMAL AREN'T YOU.” she screamed at me.
I looked at her confused, her eyes remind me of the Drill Instructors in bootcamp and how they could eat the souls of most people. I stood there and with all my strength. I looked at her and started to yell back.
“Its a fucking bird and yes I killed I didn't mean to, but I did either way we could stand here blaming me or bury the damn thing.” Her eye burning on me I could feel that I was losing my strength.
When the Rainbow dash put her hoof and her shoulder and said.
“He’s right you know. I mean what good would it do to get mad at him.”
“I know but why did it have to be her she just got better from a bad cold.” she answered
I had fallen on my ass after the whole stare down. I was used to being stared at but, that was like no other. ‘Never back down. Never back down.’ I yelled repeatedly in my head. That was the only way I got through her stare. Her eyes would have made me drop me to my knees If not for Rainbow Dash. Hell, I bet even a Drill Instructor would love to learn that stare to use on their recruits.
I looked up at them they and all look at with displeasure.
“What I admit, It I was wrong ok. you happy now?” I said not trying to yell just get them off my back about it.
“Good sir we are looking for an apology.” Rarity snapped at me
“Ok, I’m sorry ok it’s not going to do anything though it’s dead either way. I could get you a small coffin if that would make you happy. All I did was aim at that cloud that look like a building." I said while grabbing a empty ammo can. it was just like any other ammo can you would find it was green and had the 5.56 number on is saying what kind of ammo was in it. it was larger then most ammo cans do to the fact it was made to hold belt ammo and 2 drums of them.
I took the can out and added a pair extra boot socks inside and made a coffin for the bird. I put my hand on her hoof and said sadly, "Its in a better place. Its suffering is over and is resting forever. no pain will come to the animal ever again."
She looked happier after I said that. I dug a small hole with my E. tool and buried the bird. Her friends seem to be comforting her at the moment I walked toward the road and looked for any sign of anyone else.
Twilight came up to me as I sat down and asked.
"How did you kill a bird that was flying, and how could have you gone through a building." I looked at her confused and said.
“My M249 and I didn't shoot a building I shot a cloud."
I pointed to the cloud that I aimed at. Her face looked shocked yelling,
"You shot Rainbow Dash's room. with that metal thing." I pulled out a 5.56 round and showed her. She took the round looked at it and said very confused,
"I don't get it."
“Well you see the tip is a bullet and behind it is gun powder with a primer so all I need to do is tap the back end with a firing pin and boom a flying projectile that can take down most anything with one shot. I would say you most likely have a cross bow right? That can make a bolt or an arrow fly I'm guessing. This is specifically made for injuring other humans.”
"Wait you kill your own kind? How could you do such a thing what would make you do that?" she said in shocked
"Will let just say we are not the nicest race on earth. We fight for some good things like love, friends, country and freedoms and also the bad such as money, power, control and land. Being the person that does the fighting you meet two different type of in the world either they respect you or hate you for the fact you kill for the greater good. I just don't get it I'm just doing a job that the government told me to do. I can't just say no the military is needed to defend the country without it anyone could come in and take over then what we just sit there and let them take all we have."
"So you have limited resources in your home you can’t just live with what you have." she responded
"Yes, that is right we have limited resources and no we always want more. That is what makes human race so good and bad we are greedy and yet it drives us you make cars, and guns, hell even the nuke. We want it all and if something gets in our way we will move it with or without force but it will move. Nothing so far can really stop us and yet coming here seem to be a good thing yet bad I mean whats the strongest weapon you have miss Twilight." I said
"Well smith that would be the Elements of Harmony. They even stopped discord the god of chaos and turned Princess Luna back to normal." she said with more pride than anything
"How can you stop a god? If it is a god then that means it should be so powerful it can even destroy a whole planet at will, if you have that under control you could use that as a good threat to keep the humans away, but this should be told to your leaders." I said
"He’s right Twilight its time we go and talk with the Princesses." said Rarity. All the others were behind us and were listening to me talk about humans.
"Alright lets get going I'm going to need some answers about this place." I said while I stood up and looked at the sky and saw a chariot with two ponies with wings were pulling it as it flew through the sky look at it I said "What's that?" I pointed at the chariot flying right at us. Twilight's face went pale as it landed on the ground. It had two ponies inside the chariot one was a bit larger than the other one they both came out running like mad at us. They both had jewelry with a horn and wings. The bigger one ran and kicked me with its back legs right in the sapi plates on my chest I was lucky that I had my main pack on as I flew. I land right on it which broke my fall.
"WHAT THE FUCK! God damn it that hurt you fucking asshole you could have killed me. Really who do you think you are I should shoot your ass tell nothing is left fucking asshole what the hell did I do fucker.” I screamed in pain. rubbed my sappy pates the front one had broke into four pieces. I looked at the the one that kick me its horn was glowing and was aimed at me. The other one was in front of Twilight and her friends just behind the bigger one.
"So your people have returned to this land and you are most likely a scout for the rest of you humans. I will not let you destroy the world me and my sister made for our people. I will gladly see you killed by my own hooves before your kind return to this land!” she screamed at me with all her power.
Her horn was glowing bright gold and aimed at me as it fired a beam.
The white pony beam fired and hit me in the chest sending me flying in the air I landed on my pack again. The hit was like a person just took a air cannon and shot me point blank range. I looked down at my chest coughing have the wind knocked out of me again. The sapi plates in front had all broke. I even think they shattered to smaller piece. The white one looked shocked as she yelled at me. “What foul magic do you have human that should have gone through your whole body and kill you.”
I coughed and got up to my feet. took my main pack off. I was in fight mode this was going to either kill me or not. I looked at the white one and said with sarcasm “That the best you got kicking me and trying to use your little light show. What's your name horse?”I bent down to my knee and picked up my M249 and took aim she looked pissed her horn was glowing and aimed at me again.
“We are the Princesses Celestia and Luna the rules of this land and you will give us the respect that is demand of all. I took aim and yelled “You think so bitch I see your horn you shot I shot bitch if I'm going to go down your---”
Thats when I got hit again in the back. The same thing happen again I was sent flying but head first. I land on my stomach with a hard thud. I was coughing again but this time blood was coming out. After that hit the adrenaline must have kicked in because I felt like I could take a bear on.
I looked behind me and saw the smaller black one had gotten behind me and had fired a shot. I knew now if I was going to live. I would need to either put one of them down or kill one. I looked at the white one horn glowing I quickly rolled to my right to dodge the beam while carrying my M249.
When I got to the prone. I threw the bipods out and took aim. I pulled the trigger swiping it left to right and shooting 10 rounds at her. 5 hit her front legs, and 5 hit the wings. she went down hard and looked like it was not getting up very soon. Miss Twilight ran to her and started to talking to her. I hoped she was trying to help me. I turned around and looked at the one called Luna. she was staring with shear worry at the one called Celestia.
I got up and started aiming at her and yelled calm down we maybe able to work this out all I want to do is just go home. I need to talk to you. Then out of know where this back shadow consumed her faster than I could blink. I quickly took aim and pulled the trigger.
I yelled pissed off, “fuck jam.”
I drop my M249 and grabbed my .50 cal. desert eagle from my side. Then shot 2 round at her. The shadow and disappeared with a darker and meaner looking one. She was the same size as the Celestia now but, had more armor on. The bullets hit right in its front left leg. she looked at the wound and smiled saying sarcastically. “Dear human please just die it will make thing a lot simpler for everypony. We are just trying to protect our little ponies. You are just going to destroy it with your foul magic and greed.” She charged another shot. I grabbed my M249 and ran with all my strength to my main pack. She fired the beam at me but, missed by a few inches. I got behind my main pack and fired two more shots from my desert eagle into her right leg. She went down with a hard thud.
I looked at her. She was trying to stand but, her front leg were still bleeding ‘There is no way in hell she can still fight. I mean really what horses can take 4 .50 cal. rounds in the legs. I aimed at her right wing and yelled. “You can’t fight anyone if you charge your little light show I shot and you can’t run. You are losing you fuckin horse. I just want you to answer my questions and then I will wrap you up and be on my way.”
“What is it that you want human” She said with such hate you could feel it.”
“I want to know how to get back to my world and how the hell I got here.”
“I don’t know how you got to our world but, If we had the able to get you back we would have sent you on your way.”
“Bullcrap! You were gonna kill me without hesitating for some reason but, I do believe the fact about you not knowing how to get me back. You are trying to hide something are you not.” I yell with anger.
She looked defeated as if someone just took all her pride and was walking on it with a size 50 boot. She looked at me and said “You think you have the upper hand you are sadly wrong. Twilight please be a dear and help your dear rulers with getting rid of the this garbage.”
I quickly looked behind me and saw that two more ponies had showed up. They were wearing some kind of necklaces on with Twilight standing in front with a tiara of some kind. They started to glow and shot out a rainbow. That was aimed at me but, it passed through me and went straight for the black one. She had a rainbow tornado around her and made her turn to the smaller versions. After she was changed back she looked at me very strangely. I looked at the others Twilight and her friends looked at me the same way as if the I was on fire even Celestia was doing it.
I looked at them and said sarcastically. “What do you want I know I look good but, damn you don’t need to stare.”
Twilight started walking up to me and said “Smith, you turn into a pony.”
“WHAT THE FUCK!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “You’re fucking with me right? There is no way in hell a human can turn into a pony.”
She answered with great concern, “Yes just an earth pony have a look for yourself.” Twilight look over at her friends and call. “Pinkie can you bring a mirror over here.” She was helping with Celestia get back up to her feet, but was not doing a very good job of it. She walked over well more of a bounce and seemed to be smiling for no reason.
“Yeah Twilight here’s one.” she answered with the biggest smile I have ever seen. Twilight showed me the mirror. I had tan fur with dark tan hair and a big blue eyes, hell even my digital desert camo got turn to pony style.
I quickly looked at my gear it was all turned to pony style except for my guns my desert eagle was the same even my M249 was the same. I quickly tried to pick up my M249 but it had no hands and the butt stock was way to big for my mouth. I gripped my Desert eagle with my mouth and tried to shot at to sun, but the recoil was so bad it nearly killed me.
After I shot my Desert eagle from my mouth. I fell on my new main pack. It turned into a type of saddle with my gear being turn into pony forms of it. Then out of nowhere. There was a scream of pain. I quickly turned my head to the one called Celestia. she was up again, but was still losing blood and at a bad rate.
I grabbed my IFAK Kit from my main pack. I tried to run to her, but I immediately fell on my face hard. I had dropped the IFAK and got mouth full of dirt.
I looked up and saw the one called Pinkie laughing on her back at how I fell on the ground. I stood up the best I could and shook my head. My kevlar spun around and was backwards now.
I quickly shook it off my head and put back on the right way. I grabbed the IFAK and walked the best I could with my newly added feet. I got to Celestia and looked her in the eyes and said trying to reassure her
“I can stop the bleeding and get you better, but I must tell you I have no idea of how I got here or why you want to kill me. Well..... I can understand why you want to kill humans, but that’s no reason to just come out of nowhere and attack me. I’m quite friendly when you don’t try to kill me why don’t we have a seat. I can walk aaah...... I think fluttershy on how to wrap you up with the band aids and quikclot as the for the other one. I will need to put two tourniquets on her or she will bleed to death from the bullets. They were much bigger holes than these and hit both of her front legs.”
She just stared at me with anger I looked at now and said with anger “Ok, I could just let you die. I mean what’s stopping me bitch, you attacked me. I’m offering you help and you are just look at me with anger.”
She just kept staring at me, “ BITCH if I was going to kill you I would have, but I thought you would be willing to talk. FUCK, Should I just get out my Ka-bar knife and cut your throat.” I looked at her with as much anger as I could show in this new body.
Then a defeated voice came from behind me. I looked at the now smaller one named Luna was starting to change colors from blood lost. She looked at me and said what the Celestia didn’t want to say. “We will talk with thou, but thou must at least help us to the hosp---”
Celestia answer with anger in her voice “Luna you know that we are not aloud to make deals with these humans they are lying and greed monster even if we die we must ne--” .
“Princess Celestia you can’t die you two are the rulers. If you two die then we would lose are government everything you worked for would just fall apart.”
Twilight said with the most fear I ever heard in my life. I looked at her she had followed me to Celestia and was about to cry when she heard Celestia not take me up on the offer. Celestia look at Luna and back at Twilight. Then looked at me she said with no joy.
“We will have a talk, human, at the hospital, but not till you heal us from your foul magic.”
“Oh so now that your people are endangered you want to be peaceful will good.” I said sarcastically ‘fucking bitch.’
“I will have Fluttershy wrap you up and I will get Luna better as well. Twilight, help me out here.” I said
The Princesses and I were alone in a room in the hospital in ponyville. They both looked to be in bad shape. Celestia had 2 holes in her right wing and 3 in her left one. Her legs had mirror stress factions from the bullets grazing them. Luna on the other hand had 2 big holes in her front right leg and the left one had two nice grazes.
I looked at them with eyes of anger wanting to understand why they kept their silence.
“Ok, I held my end of the bargain now its your turn tell me how its possible that I got turned into a pony and how in bloody hell did I get here.”
Luna look at Celestia with pity and looked at me and said with a sigh.
“Dear human we would love to tell thou, but these are secrets no pony can ever find out that is our duty to this land.”
I looked at her with confusion and said. “Ok, I understand and how you fell, but I still need the information to try to find a way back home, if possible.”
Celestia now looked at me with anger and said. “You are dealing with force that you don’t even comprehend human! These forces could destroy your and my world in a matter of minutes.”
“Slow down there bitch. How would it destroy my world I understand that this world has magic, but my world doesn’t have magic.” I said confused.
She looked at me and sighed “Ok, you win human just let me do one thing before we start talking”
Her horn started glowing. I quickly ducked behind a empty bed. Then a golden light passed right through me. I quickly looked around and saw we had been enclosed in a golden dome. I looked at the princesses. Luna smiled and laughed a little. Celestia tried her hardest and not to but was failing.
I smiled at them and said sarcastically “You got me. Can you two now explain please.”
Luna looked at her sister. Celestia was not happy in the less bit. After having her ass kicked by this human, Luna sighed
“Either I tell it sister or thou does, but thy has a right to know thou can sense it too know.”
Celestia sighed I looked at me with disapproval then look at Luan they both took deep breath and started talking.
“Yes, dear Smith you see the world you come from is always in war with itself. No, matter what any god or god like person does it will not change.”
“Me and my sister were born in thy world about 2400 year ago. Due to the fact that thy people hate anything different, but thine own kind. We decided to take our kind from thy world and move it to a new world.”
“It cost us a human that we will hold dear for the rest of our lives. Her name was Faustia. She was one of the few humans that understood the pony kind. When we left our great city of Atlantis. She died holding the gate together so our’s kind could move through, but due to this. We had made something we did not mean too.”
“The gate is absorbing all the magic from thine world and gives it to our world. It will not stop or are worlds would collide in theory. As for getting here, we believe you had more magic than a normal human. If thou were normally absorbed and sent here thou would be sent to the castle. Where we would able to get rid of the without anything getting in the way, but thou is different. We normally only see small children and are able to send them back without any memory’s.”
“You seemed to come out of nowhere as if someone or something was calling for you. What it is we have no idea. Getting back however we don’t really know. We just take the magic from the children and they go back, but you had things that have magic resistance such as your weapons and armor.”
“Thou also have been touched by the Elements of Harmony now. We thought they would send thou back home, but this is not the case. We now have to ask thou a favor. Dear human wiltl thou keep this all a secret from the other ponies?
“uuuuhhhh...... Yes, but that’s a lot to take in. I will never be able to go back home. FUCK YES, those assholes can all go to hell.” I end with excitement.
Luna looked at me and said “Dear Smith thou is happy about losing thou’s home.”
“Yes I am. I had no good family or friends. Nothing, I really liked about my life. The only good thing. I had going for me was the Marines and I had to go to war right after I joined, but it never stopped me from being happy.”
“Then thou was happy being a soldier, Yes”
I looked at her and stood up walked in front of both of them with so much pride you could only, but be in shock.
“You are look at one of the few military's that my world remembers. The three are as followed Spartans, Trojans, and the Marines. If you kept an eye on my world you would see that. We are the first in and the last out. We kill first and ask question later. If I'm stuck here I wish to join your ranks for thats all I know. I know war its been my life.
Luna smiled at me well said “Smith thou will join my---
Celestia interrupted Luna “You wish to be guarded by this human I will not have him causing chaos in my cast---”
“Sister, thou forget herself.” Luna snapped. “We are both rulers and both live in the castle. Thy will be a Night Guard nothing more. We will have Shining Armor put thou in as a new guard and have thou trained.”
“Dear sister you can’t be serious. We don’t know if he has changed. Just cause he has been touch by the elements does not mean he has changed. Least of all he has no cutie mark.
I looked at her “what's this mark your talking about.”
“The one on thine flank.” Luna replied.
I quickly jumped to the left ready to fight whatever came my way. Luna looked at me no its on your rear. I jumped 180 and landed again ready to fight. What are you talking about. I see no one and no one has come in this room for the whole time we have talked. I stood ready to fight anything. Then they both started laughing.
I dropped my guard and looked at them confused “What's funny.”
“You sir, look at thine butt it has a mark do you know what it means.” Luan said laughing.
I looked at my ass and saw my Marine camo. I looked at luna confused.
“Thou may need to undress for thou to see thy mark”
I started to take of my combat boots and camo with the vest first then the blouse. I took off my pants and we could see part of it, but my shorts were blocking most of it. I took my undershirt first. then out of the blue both Princesses gaped in shock at the look of my body.
I looked down at my body and saw the scars from all the fights I had been in the cuts, stabs and broken bones. It was like a monster had taken pieces out of me. I looked at them both and said with confusion
“What happen to thou? Hast thou been in war all it’s life?” Luna said scared
“I lived on the streets and had to fight for food and clothes. Yes, I have been through a type of war, but I still got my high school diploma.”
Luna just looked at me with sadness.
“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m use to being beat a little here and there its fine. I never really liked to hold grudges against people. The only thing I’m getting is a little uncomfortable getting undress in front of people, but I’ll get over it.”
I pulled my shorts off and looked at my ass. There was a pistol crossing a sword and behind it was the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor.
Luna smiled at me and said. “We will have you trained to be able to walk and fight for your new friends here.
I looked a luna confused “ What friends? I have no, friends here. I fight for the survival and thrill. That’s the only thing I have known all my life.”
They looked at each other with the saddest faces you could think of.
I thought for a minute and just realized. I had just kick the ass out of the rulers of my new home. I stood up and looked them both in the eyes and said with pride.
“Ok, now that my questions have been answers. What will be my punishment be for hurting you. After all you are now my high command and I just kicked your asses.”
They both look each other and in the eyes and smiled for some odd reason. Luna looked at me and said with care.
“Thou could have just stood there and died, but thou fought with all his heart. In the end thou learned that thou will never return to thine home. We could have thou locked up for the rest of his life, but thou shows a lot of spirit and life. We believe thine last life has been enough of punishment. Thou will begin anew here as one of our little ponies.”
I looked up at her and said “Who are you calling little?”