Foreword: IT'S BACK, AND NOT BY POPULAR DEMAND! Join Scootaloo and friends as they race across the galaxy to stop an evil villain in some contrived and cliche plot that I haven't even come up with yet, in which the villain's main goal is to destroy all the PURE UNCUT COCAINE he can find. Will our heroes succeed in stopping this villain? I don't know, leave a comment/review to improve the odds of our heroes succeeding in their goals.
Offensive humor, strong language, blah blah blah nobody gives a shit.
Resident Evil, Sonic the Hedgehog, and the return of Cole
"Sweetie Belle just got back five minutes ago and now you want to go out there?" Applebloom asked as she and Scootaloo stood outside the CMC clubhouse.
"Yeah, why not? Sweetie Belle came back OK" Scootaloo answered.
"Yeah, but she was talking weird and mentioned something called an M16...ah don't know what that is but it doesn't sound too good" Applebloom said.
"Come on, Applebloom! Please? I'll be OK, I promise" the orange Pegasus pleaded.
"Well...OK, get in the pod and I'll shoot ya out" AB replied, taking position behind the cannon and sealing up the pod Scootaloo was in, loading it in the barrel and firing it into the sky.
I sure hope she'll be OK Applebloom thought, watching the pod streak out of sight.
Scootaloo's pod smashed to a stop and she stumbled out of it into some kind of weird room with metal beams stretching from floor to ceiling and a bunch of seats lining the walls.
"Complete. Global. MASTURBATION!" a deep-voice exclaimed, prompting Scootaloo to look over and see a deranged man with blonde hair and a trench coat sprint towards some dude with massive muscles and a chick that looked completely useless.
"What the heck?!" the Pegasus filly exclaimed as the blonde man ran around the other two alien-looking people and totally wrecked their stuff.
Wait, aliens! Do I have an alien-hunter cutie mark yet?
She did not.
While Scoots was busy looking at her blank flank the blonde man sprinted over and smacked her shit before racing around the room again wrecking the other guys.
Before Scootaloo could be scared out of her wits and attempt to fly and fail miserably because she was such a fucking worthless excuse for a Pegasus and then whine to the author about her lack of characterization there was an intense rumbling and the three humans went crashing out a door at the back of the room, with the blonde-haired one disappearing out of sight.
Scootaloo stumbled out of the room and discovered that the room was part of some kind of large vehicle.
The little Pegasus looked over at the other two aliens and saw that the female one suddenly had a bunch of little boxes of ammo all over her body, standing up and shouting "I need ammo!"
The male alien with the massive arms looked at her with a look of "are you fucking serious?"
"So, um, who are you guys?" Scootaloo asked, approaching the two of them.
"I'm Chris Redfield, look at my fucking arms!" the male yelled, showing off the massive limbs. "My balls may be as big as raisins but I don't give a shit 'cause I have HUGE FUCKING ARMS!"
"What about her?" Scoots replied.
"She's fucking worthless" Chris answered. "Come on, Sheva!"
"You fucking worthless whore!" Chris exclaimed, approaching a couple of boxes and smashing them open with a giant knife and saying to the woman "you grab it!"
"You can't be serious!" the girl responded.
Chris backhanded her.
Before more could be said amongst the group there was heavy plodding on metal and the trio looked up, seeing the blonde-haired man walking on some cylinders sans shirt.
"It's over, Wesker!" Chris exclaimed.
"Over? I'm just getting started!" the blonde-haired man responded, slamming his hand into one of the cylinders and reeling as hundreds of tentacle-like penises came snaking out and consumed his body, turning him into some kind of fucking retarded penis-tyrant because the writers at Capcom thought that would be a great idea along with ruining his backstory and giving him a new one they ripped off of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy.
"Ewwwwwww, gross!" Scootaloo declared as the penises snaked around Wesker's body.
"Do you really believe global virginity is worth saving?!" Wesker inquired as the two humans and Scootaloo retreated.
As they proceeded across a rock bridge it collapsed, dumping Chris onto a rock below that was in some kind of lava pool.
"Chris! Are you OK?" the female asked, staring down and looking like she was trying to fall into the lava.
Chris waved his arm as Wesker dropped down and followed him.
"Everywhere, nothing but loathsome virgins!" Wesker commented, leaping across the gaps in the rocks as he chased Chris.
"So, what's your real name?" Scootaloo asked the female accompanying her.
"Well it looks like we need to help Chris" Scoots said, following Sheva as she ran down the cliff and starting firing some loud thing at Wesker, who was still spouting stuff about virgins and "complete global masturbation."
While Sheva continued to be fucking useless Chris began punching Wesker, dealing massive damage because his arms were so fucking muscular and huge.
In an attempt to get back to where Chris was Sheva and Scootaloo proceeded across another rock bridge which collapsed like the last one leaving Sheva hanging on the edge of a cliff and deciding to wait nine days to pull herself up because she was so fucking worthless.
"I'll help you up!" Scootaloo exclaimed, trying to pull Sheva up and failing because she was overweight with 1000000 boxes of ammo because she always hoarded the fucking ammo like a little bitch. And gold, too, she always hoards the fucking gold and treasures.
What a bitch.
Finally Sheva pulled herself up and the two females walked down the rest of the rock path to a gap they couldn't cross.
"Hold on!" Chris yelled, running to a giant boulder and beginning to punch and push it because he was such a fucking hard-ass bastard that did so many steroids he could actually push a fucking one ton rock.
Succeeding in his badassery once again the boulder rolled into the gap and formed a bridge which the two girls crossed as Wesker came around the corner of a rock hill with the penises flailing around in a frenzy.
"I SMELL A VIRGIN!" Wesker screamed as he quickly approached the trio.
"Who the hell is a virgin here? It's not me, I know that; I've fucked every girl I've ever met except Sheva because she's a hideous cow" Chris declared.
"It's not me, I fucked the entire village I was born in" Sheva stated, her and Chris looking down at Scootaloo.
"Uhh, hi?" Scoots said, unsure of why they were staring at her.
"Well, I guess we know who the virgin is. Time to feed her to Wesker to appease his appetite for tight, virgin pedo-pussy" Chris announced, snatching up the little Pegasus filly.
"Hey, what? What are you doing? Put me down! What's a virgin, anyway?" Scootaloo asked, very confused by the whole situation.
Suddenly Sheva, in all her wisdom, began sprinting towards Wesker and was grabbed by the penises flailing about, raping in her in all three of her holes and even in a few new places like her ears and nostrils.
After ten seconds the penises jizzed everywhere inside Sheva and she exploded from the inside out, her entire body vaporized. Despite being dead she was able to say "worst sex ever" which made Wesker put Sheva back together and rape her again.
"Shit, well looks like you're my new partner, little pony girl whose name I don't remember" Chris said, turning to face Scootaloo and handing her a massive device.
"What is this?" Scoots inquired, trying desperately to hold up the heavy device.
"It's an Infinite Rocket Launcher I got from beating this game once before and just having it by default afterwards unlike Resident Evil 4 where you had to unlock the weapon and then play the game again to get the money for it despite it being just a novelty item and the Chicago Typewriter being better. You just hold it up and spam the trigger and send rockets into Wesker's face to keep him back before you reach the damage threshold and the ending cutscene starts" Chris explained.
"What?!" Scootaloo yelled, completely at a loss to what the massive-armed man had said.
"Shoot him or he'll rape us!" Chris screamed as Wesker reached them, smacking Scootaloo's shit once again and sending her flying into the sky as the blonde-haired penis tyrant raped Chris for all eternity.
"Were you using-Ohh, you little EURROOOOH YOU FUCKING TUCKER BITCH CUNT MOTHERFUCKER! Blind Eye-Assassin Akimbo FMG9's! Robert Bowling you fucking speech-impediment-having bald cunt bucket I hope you get Herpes!"
Before more curse words could be said a hole was smashed through the wall and some kind of projectile lanced through a computer, causing the speaker to curse more.
"I JUST BOUGHT THAT FUCKING COMPUTER!" the man screamed. "Whatever, my last computer regenerated after it got smashed by Sweetie Belle's pod, so this one will do the same."
"FUCKING WHORES!" the man shouted.
Scootaloo slowly got to her hooves and looked up at another one of the aliens as he sat in a massive leather chair, holding some kind of black device in his hands and wearing a black shirt that had the word 'Brony' written on it and Rainbow Dash flying underneath.
"Oh my gosh, you know Rainbow Dash?!" Scootaloo exclaimed, zipping right up to the chair and looking up at the human with wide eyes and a big creepy smile.
"Scootaloo? Ah, shit, I just sent Sweetie Belle home twenty minutes ago and now you're here? Fuck me" the human declared.
"Who are you? How do you know Sweetie Belle?" Scoots demanded, wary of this human.
"I'm Cole, uber-leet MLG boss who's a fucking beast at Call of Duty using shitty weapons like the M16 and fucking awesome Brony author that deserves more people reading his stories because he actually puts real fucking effort into them unlike 3/4 of the fucking stories that get featured on here but they get featured anyway because they're either comedy stories or shipping stories or, if you're really an unlucky son of bitch, fucking shit crossovers or normal stories that involve some kind of invincible superhero in some contrived and cliche war where ABSOLUTELY NONE of the fucking good guys die and the fucking hero falls in love with Rainbow Dash and they both live happily-ever-after in a shitty namby-pamby sunshine-and-rainbows ride-off-into-the-sunset ending. But, apparently people like reading those kind of stories instead of reading a story that has a relatively realistic portrayal of war and goes into detail about the psychological suffering that occurs during it and has many of the good guys die because I ACTUALLY PUT REAL FUCKING EFFORT INTO MY STORIES UNLIKE ASSHOLES WHO JUST THROW IN A FUCKING SUPERHERO WHO BLOWS UP TEN MILLION BAD GUYS AND THEN BONES RAINBOW DASH FOR NINE MOTHERFUCKING HOURS!" the human ranted.
(Yes, that actually is how I feel. I'm sick of seeing comedy/shipping stories that fucking SUCK so much goddamn ASS get featured on this fucking site. The stories may not actually suck in and of themselves but ONLY those fucking genres get featured! And when it's not them it's a fucking horrible crossover where the hero falls in love with Rainbow Dash and wins a war single-handedly and none of the fucking ponies die AND WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE LIKE THOSE COMPLETELY SHIT STORIES INSTEAD OF ONES THAT HAVE REAL EFFORT PUT INTO THEM LIKE MINE?! LIKE, HOLY SHIT, ARE PEOPLE REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID?)
(Whatever, I'm fucking done, let's just get on with this story. Also if this story gets featured just because it's funny I'm seriously going to fucking gut somebody.)
(Fucking hate my life.)
"Well, that all sounds very...interesting" Scootaloo stated, confused.
"I know, right? So anyway, what are you doing here? Do you need help getting home like Sweetie Belle did?" the human, Cole, inquired.
"Maybe, but I want to stick around for a little bit. So how do you know Sweetie Belle?" Scootaloo asked.
"It's a long goddamn story, but I'm sure you want to know how Sweetie Belle got home?" Cole guessed, picking up his favorite little man-toy(not that kind of man-toy you fucks) and fawning over it.
"Me and Applebloom saw some kind of grassy courtyard through a weird portal" Scootaloo said.
"Well, it goes a little something like this..." Cole trailed off, preparing to recount the tale to the little Pegasus filly.
"I love you, Cole, you're a great friend" Sweetie Belle said, her voice breaking as the tears welled out of her eyes.
"I love you too, Sweetie Belle" Cole replied, cocking his arm back and throwing Sweetie Belle into the air and through the portal which closed just as the MW2 tactical nuke landed and obliterated everybody's shit, including Captain Price whose quickscoping skills just couldn't save him from the tac-nuke.
After the nuke had landed Captain Price got vaporized and Cole had somehow miraculously survived and was thrown into a void where Mitchell, who was mentioned in the first story handed him what would become Cole's favorite man-toy(again, not that kind of man-toy, though it is the same one mentioned a few paragraphs ago.)
After that Cole was sent on a similar journey to Sweetie Belle's except through TV shows like Big Bang Theory and Jersey Shore, the latter making him want to kill himself after five minutes of being in it. Though he had enjoyed being sent into the Supernatural universe and hanging out with Sam and Dean Winchester...and Cass, too.
But overall he didn't like the journey he went through.
After that the CoD beast had been sent home where he then smoked a bowl and wrecked a bunch of dudes in MW3 with an M16A4, including XXXL33t420quickscopezzzXXX.
And that's how he saved Christmas from Robo-Santa and his illegal immigrant elves.
"That story made no sense" Scootaloo declared accusingly.
"NOTHING MAKES SENSE!" Cole exclaimed, smoking another bowl and messing with his man-toy.
"So what is that thing you keep messing with anyway?" Scoots inquired, staring at the thing.
"It's the man-toy; Colt M1911A1 with nickel finish, black grips, and full-length recoil rod under the barrel. It only works in other universes though, apparently, because I stole it while in the Supernatural universe and it worked in every universe I went to after that except this one. Kinda like how my M16 only works when I'm in the CoD universe" Cole explained.
"Sweetie Belle mentioned an 'M16' when she got back; what is it?" Scoots said.
"It's a fucking shit gun in MW3, a beast gun in MW2, and a relatively good gun in Black Ops, otherwise known as Black Cocks" the human answered.
"Cocks? Like chickens?"
"No...not like chickens, Scootaloo."
(If you make a fucking chicken joke about Scootaloo I'm going to fucking block you because it's old, not funny, and never was fucking funny. Sick of that shit.)
"HADOUKEN!" Cole screamed, throwing in a scene transition that brought them to the next universe.
"So where the heck are we now?" Scoots inquired, looking around the white expanse they currently resided in.
"This is the Hub, a multi-universe portal which I totally didn't rip off of my beta-reader, Michael Blackburn; this will allow us to visit any universe we desire. Though someone, in all their fucking wisdom, decided not to label the doors so we won't know what universe we'll be travelling to until we actually get there. So hopefully we won't accidentally pick a fucking stupid one like Sonic the Hedgehog or Captain Planet" Cole explained(GOD DAMN that fucking show sucked!)
"So where should we go?" Scoots said, looking up at the human.
"That decision is reserved for you, Reclai-er, Scootaloo" the uber-leet MLG boss answered.
The Pegasus filly picked a random door and they jumped in.
"Goddamnit, Scootaloo! I told you not to pick Sonic the Hedgehog!" Cole yelled, seeing that they had landed right in the middle of Soleanna City.
"I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know?" Scoots protested, unsure as to why the human was so mad.
"And we're in Soleanna, that means the game we got transported to was Sonic the Hedgehog 06, which is the WORST FUCKING GAME ever!" Cole exclaimed, looking around the area to make sure Princess Elise wasn't going to pop out of nowhere and do stupid shit like get captured by Eggman 9000 times and fall in love with Sonic because Sega ripped the storyline for this game off of some shithead's bad fan-fiction.
"Ughh, let's just get this over with" Cole declared, making sure his cross-universe M1911A1 was secured properly in his drop-leg holster as he and Scootaloo toured the area.
Just as Cole began to think they wouldn't have to deal with any stupid shit Sonic the Hedgehog himself came dashing up and immediately starting bragging and boasting while playing techno music and breakdancing on a large sheet of cardboard.
"You fucking scumbag" Cole commented, resisting the urge to shoot him.
"So who is this? She's kinda cute" Sonic said, looking at Scootaloo after he had stopped breakdancing and set the cardboard on fire by running in place on it.
The Pegasus filly blushed and sheepishly replied "I'm Scootaloo."
"Scootaloo, huh? That's cool. Hey, what's say you and me get into a bunch of dangerous situations where you could possibly die or get captured by giant robots and made into a sex slave for a 500 pound evil genius?" Sonic stated, jogging in place as he struggled to vent his hyperactivity.
"Sure!" Scoots responded with vigor.
"Hey, what the hell? Wait a minute, she's not going anywhere without me. It's bad enough she's in this hellhole anyway" the ub3r-l33t boss Cole told them.
Before more could be said the rest of Sonic's gang showed up, with Tails yelling about how he wanted Sonic to fuck him in the butt and chatting on about his dependency on the blue Hedgehog while Knuckles stood around looking all moody and Shadow blabbered on about his angst and how he was the ultimate lifeform.
Great, now all we need is for fucking Amy Rose to show up and we'll have a Goddamned party the only human in the group thought.
"HIIIIIIII SONIC!" a shrill voice pierced the air, nearly shattering Cole's eardrums from the sheer intensity of it.
It's like a fucking a dog-whistle for humans the human lamented mentally as a familiar pink Hedgehog fucking popped up out of nowhere.
Sonic sighed and rubbed his temples as Amy hugged him and ranted on about wanting to blow him and have his babies and how he's so cute and shit.
"Wow, she's like Pinkie Pie" Scootaloo stated, earning the attention of Amy.
"OH MY GOSH, SHE'S SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!1!#!" Amy screamed right up in Scootaloo's face, blowing her hair back where it stayed slicked back cartoonishly.
"OK, that's it. We're out of here, Scootaloo. This place is fucking annoying all ready" Cole exclaimed, snatching her up and transitioning to the next chapter.
So there's the opening of this crazy adventure, which will involve lots of shit from games I like and some other shit from games I don't like. Will Scootaloo survive? Probably. Will her sanity? Probably not. Will her virginity? Only if Albert Wesker doesn't find her. Will Michael Blackburn get to snort some PURE UNCUT COCAINE?! Only if he stops having FUCK with Tali'Zorah in every possible spot on the SSV Back-In-Nam'mandy.
Author's note: I'm going to get so many morons yelling at me about that part when I ranted about not being popular in the Brony community, but I don't give a shit.
The fucking return of funny legal notes: Scootaloo and related shit belongs to Hasbro. Chris Redfield and related characters belong to Capcom. Sonic the Hedgehog belongs to SEGA and in the trash can. Cole belongs to me(fucking obviously) and Michael Blackburn used to belong to himself until he became Tali's sex slave.
"So where did we go this time?" Scootaloo asked, looking up at Cole and seeing him rooted in place, his eyes wide open and mumbling to himself.
"Uhhh, are you OK?" Scootaloo said, looking around the area and seeing that they were in space on a bunch of red platforms interspersed by lots of holes and open spaces.
"Run..." Cole whispered, earning a curious gaze from the Pegasus filly.
"What?" she inquired, greatly confused.
"Run" the human exclaimed once again as he slowly looked down at Scoots.
Suddenly bitching techno music began to play and a gray alien that was shaped like a testicle with arms and legs and antennae ran by, jumping from platform to platform for seemingly no reason.
"This...is Run, the WORST fucking game ever made, a fact I stated many a time in my Let's Play of the game which can be viewed on my Youtube channel here" Cole said, pointing at something behind him that didn't exist.
"What do you do in it?" the Pegasus filly inquired.
"You attempt to run down a tunnel to the exit, and fail, and you attempt to jump across gaps...and fail because you fall through the motherfucking platform because the designer of this game was a goddamned retard."
"You probably couldn't do a better job" Scoots replied.
"That's right, I couldn't, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to criticize. And if anyone says different they will be blocked and have insulting messages about their mothers sent to them" the human said.
"Also there's a sequel to this game, which doesn't suck as much but it's still a piece of shit and should not have been made" Cole told her.
"So is there anything we need to do here or..." Scootaloo trailed off, looking up at the ub3r-l33t MLG fucking boss who was so fucking good at video games and deserves to be famous on Youtube unlike all those other fucking n00bs that can barely fucking play a game yet they get over a million views per video and rake in all the cash from that shit.
"No, there's nothing we need to do here, except this" Cole declared, kicking the testicle alien off into space as he ran by and yelling "YOUR GAME'S A PIECE OF SHIT, YOU LITTLE FUCK!"
The testicle alien then careened into a star and fucking died a horrible death because that's what he deserved for falling through solid platforms all those times.
"Let's fucking go" the man exclaimed.
Immediately upon entering the next universe the two came under intense gunfire from unknown shooters; thousands of bullets sprayed around them with each and every one missing accompanied by a clatter Cole knew all too well.
"ZOMG I r sooooo gud at dis gaem!" some annoying 8-year-old squeaker yelled, reloading his akimbo FMG9s as he ran around the map Overwatch, part of Collection 1 DLC for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.
"Well at least it isn't CoD 75: Modernly Black Operations of Welfare in Warfare*" Cole said, having seen the atrocity that would be the future of the Call of Duty franchise.
Well, to be fair, it was a little better than CoD 74: Copy and Paste Ops II.
Cole and Scootaloo stood up as a bunch of teenage dudes yelled at the squeaker who was raping them all with his FMG9s. Quickscopes, Type 95's, and even PP90's couldn't stop this kid and his FMG9s.
"What the heck is this?" Scootaloo inquired, completely at a loss as to what was going on.
"This...is MW3, otherwise known as SHIT. This is definitely the worst of the recent Call of Duty games, though Black Cocks II is shaping up to be pretty shitty. Especially when you got rumors abound saying primary weapons in multiplayer will be able to have three attachments** and players will have six(yes, FUCKING SIX) perk slots available, meaning they'll be able to run six perks all at the same time. Also included in the game is a free wall-hack optic for all guns; just get like 20 kills with a fucking red dot sight or some shit like that and you get the wall-hack optic" Cole answered.
"Soooo...what?" Scoots asked, confused as to what all that meant. She had only been in four universes and was already feeling like she wanted to go home; these places were full of weirdos.
"Well for what ever reason we can't move onto the next universe just yet so let's just fuck about here for a little while. Maybe we need to defeat this FMG9 bitch or screw about in the campaign. As long as we don't have to go into Spec Ops we'll be OK because Spec Ops is fucking stupid and nobody plays it so I don't know why Infinity Ward kept it in this game instead of taking it out to make room for gun DLC and other shit like that" the ub3r-l33t b0ss Cole answered.
Standing up Cole found he had a UMP45 and an RPG-7 as his weapons, which were both usually his go to weapons because the UMP was a fucking boss and he had a soft spot for the RPG. Trying to pull back on the UMP's charging handle the b0$$ found himself unable to do so, realizing that players in CoD don't cock their weapons unless they pick them up off the ground.
Throwing the smg on the floor and picking it up Cole was able to rack the charging handle and was about to move out when the akimbo-FMG9 kid jumped out a window, doing a 1080 spin and spraying bullets everywhere with his FMG9s, wrecking Cole's shit and punting Scootaloo off the map where she died and respawned next to Cole.
"What the heck was that?!" Scoots asked, referring to the FMG9s/punting/dying in midair and respawning.
"I'll explain it all later; right now we gotta kill this FMG9 kid" the human replied, running forward
Sprinting down the glass hallway in the middle of the map Cole met the FMG9 kid, opening fire on him with his UMP and failing because the UMP was firing 3 rounds per minute because some dumbass didn't put Rapid Fire on it.
Respawning Cole whipped the UMP off the map and it came back around like a boomerang and hit him in the face, knocking him on his back where the FMG9 kid came down and owned his shit before teabagging him.
Spawning once again the uB3r-l33T b0$$ switched to the RPG and soon found the FMG9 kid, firing both RPG rockets at him and watching as they flew straight and true right before they hit him where they then veered off course and exploded in mid-air.
At first Col3 was going to call hax but then he remembered that the RPG-7 sucked fucking shit and barely hit anything except floors and walls, and even then you were still lucky if the rockets hit even those.
Ducking down before the storm of bullets from the FMG9s could kill him C0le pulled out the UMP and fired at the kid, who was sprinting to the left to flank him and in doing so dodged all his bullets because, once again, the UMP's rate of fire sucked dicks without Rapid Fire.
The FMG9 kid neared him and Cole was about shoot him with the UMP, knowing he could not miss at such a close range, when the kid lunged 9000 feet and knifed him in the foot, killing him instantly.
"FUCK YOU ROBERT BOWLING!" C0l3 screamed when he respawned, cursing MW3's lead designer for taking out the Commando perk but leaving in its abilities like 9000 feet knife lunges. Might as well have left the fucking perk in the game.
Pulling up the pause menu Cole looked over the other Custom Classes available to him:
Firepower: UMP45 and RPG-7, which is the one he is currently using, much to his dismay.
Ultimate shit: M16A4 with no Rapid Fire and FMG9 with holographic sight.
Cock blow: FAD and MP5, both with Hybrid Sight(no, not the HAMR scope, standard hybrid.)
Kill nothing: AA12 silenced and no secondary(somehow.)
You suck: MG36 with ACOG and a SPAS-12 silenced(Overkill Pro for the win.)
Orville Redenbacher(lolwut): frag grenades only.
U suk(again): Riot shield.
"Well, I'm fucked" C0i3 lamented, selecting Ultimate Shit knowing that he could do well with the M16. Upon selecting the class and he saw that the FMG9 kid had killed him a bunch of times and called in a MOAB, dropping that shit on the map and killing him again. Now he was EMP'ed and would be forced to play in the red haze.
Sprinting forward Cole saw the FMG9 kid teabagging his dead body and sighted in, struggling to find his target through the clusterfuck that was the iron sights. Finally aiming on the FMG9 kid c0l3 pulled the trigger and was forced to wait three days before pulling it again, failing to kill the kid because his FMG9s ate the bullets and shit them out.
The FMG9 kid then raped him again.
"FUCK!1one! I just can not kill this cocksucker!" the Boss declared, respawning the cluttered fuckzone that was the side of the map that had the crane and other construction shit on it.
Suddenly an eerie light filled the map and the ghostly form of Captain Price came down, handing Cole a silenced MP5 with Kick and a SMAW, confusing the boss MW3 player.
"What? You tried to kill me! Why are you helping me? Why are you here? Why am I bringing you back? Oh yeah, I'm a bad writer who had to put himself into one of his own stories in an attempt to make it interesting" Cole declared.
"There are plans that have been put in motion that are bigger than this game, bigger than the FMG9 kid who's secretly gay but will deny it to the end, and bigger than me or you. And the universe will need you to stop these plans. Remember what I said in MW2: history is written by the victor" Price explained, floating back up into the air. As he slowly ascended Cole watched thousands of bullets flying through him, being fired by the FMG9 kid.
"Who the heck was that?" Scootaloo asked, Cole having forgotten she was even with him. The little Pegasus filly was hiding in a trashcan next to the spawn.
"Captain Price, Call of Duty legend, and totally better than Victor Reznov. Suck on that one, Kirlia and Blackburn" Cole explained, looking the MP5 over. "And apparently he believes I need to kill this FMG9 bozo with this MP5 because the universe needs me for some horseshit."
Running out of the spawn Cole met the FMG9 in the middle of the map, sighting in and firing on him with the MP5. Time slowed down like in Mass Effect's Adrenaline Rush or Grand Theft Auto III's weird pill thing that I can't remember the name of. As the first few bullets left the barrel of the MP5 Cole took a hit from the FMG9s, flinching upward and throwing his aim off, forcing him to drag the MP5 down to get back on target. Time slowed down even more and bullets slowly soared through the air, both shooters spraying bullets everywhere.
Deciding his FMG9s wouldn't work the kid lunged forward with his knife, looking to stab Cole to end this stupid engagement. As he soared across the walkway Cole continued to pump bullets at him, his ammo counter slowly emptying as poorly rendered shell casings scattered across the floor.
Suddenly, as the last bullet left the gun, the FMG9 kid flopped over, his FMG9s clattering to the floor as his corpse fell off the edge of the map. The kid screaming "ZOMG u fuking gay hacker i hope u get raped and ur family dies and u hav to sell ur xbox 2 pay da billz u queer" on his way down.
Cole had killed a player that was in the middle of Commando lunging him.
Dropping the MP5 to the floor the b0ss slowly looked around as Scootaloo came up to him, asking if he had won. Cole nodded and said "I think it's time we got out of here, Scoots."
The two warped back to The Hub and took a break, Cole thinking about what Captain Price had said and wondering if it meant anything.
*This is a reference to my beta-reader's story, Call of Duty: Moderately Predictable Warfare.
**According to my sources this is actually true... God fucking help us all...
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I think you like this story. So leave a review, maybe?(fucking hate that song, by the way.)
Oh my God, I remember just how much I fucking hate this part: Scootaloo and all related characters belong to Hasbro. Cole belongs to me(obviously). Captain Price and related characters belong to Infinity Ward and Activision.
While in The Hub C0l3 grew an eyepatch and smoked a cigarette while thinking over what Captain Price as Scootaloo hacked and coughed from the cigarette smoke because that shit didn’t exist in her universe.
“OK, so Price said that there’s some kind of plan being thought up that I need to stop. Scootaloo, any idea as to how I could stop this plan?” Col3 asked, sounding suddenly like Solid Snake and taking a drag from the cigarette.
“I-COUGH-don’t know-COUGH!” Scootaloo managed, desperately waving the smoke away with a hoof.
“Hmm” the human wondered, putting the cig out and taking the functionless eyepatch off, preparing to head into another universe.
Heading for one of the doors the B0$$ saw that it was locked, noting that the door looked different from the other ones. The others were average wood doors but this one was made of gold and had a solid diamond for a knob.
It was these subtle differences that allowed Cole to realize that this one was different.
Deciding that this door would have to wait the uber-leet CoD player walked away, heading over to another door and opening it, taking a gaze inside and seeing it was Battlefield 3.
“Come on, Scootaloo” the human said, the two of them jumping into the world of BF3.
“I’M GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS OVER HERE!”
“BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED....enemy tank spotted.”
“HANG BACK IT’S KILLING TIME MOTHERFUCKER!!!”
“GIVE ME SOME FUCKING AMMO!!!1!”
“TAKE THIS YOU FUCKING FUCK PIECE OF SHIT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER BITCH!!”
“AMMO, AMMO MOTHERFUCKER!!”
“STAND BACK I’M GONNA DROP THAT BITCH!!”
All of the above clusterfuck of obscenities and a massive explosion assaulted Cole and Scootaloo’s ears, forcing the two to take cover behind a building which then promptly collapsed as a T90 rolled through, the driver popping out for a second and yelling “FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER” in Russian before popping back in.
Running away like pussies the two of them ran into one of the buildings that couldn’t be destroyed as Cole perused the scene, wondering what map they were on.
It was Strike at Karkand.
“Fucking trainwreck this is. We need to find someone who can help us find out what this evil plan I have to stop is” Cole explained.
“Who in this crazy ass place could help us?!” Scootaloo asked, bewildered by all the explosions and unnecessary cursing that was going on; the explosions made it like a Michael Bay movie and the cussing made it sound like a 5-year-old girl was getting ass-raped by a black man with a 12-inch cock.
“Well it’s possible we’ll find my beta-raper, Lord Michael Blackburn; to find him all we have to do is locate the support guy running around with an M60 Extended Mags shitting bullets all over Recons and jerking off to Vietcong guys burning from Napalm” the human answered.
“But first I have to find some gear; my custom M1911A1 just won’t cut it.”
Just then a Russian Engineer ran by and died, his body rag-dolling as he yelled “CUNT-BITCH FUCKER” and his kit clattered along the concrete, a second later an Abrams rolled by and bent the T90 over and raped it in the ass before heading on its way.
Picking up the dead Engineer’s kit Cole found himself holding an AKS-74u and an M9(because that makes sense in Battlefield’s universe) as well as the other assorted things an Engineer would carry like the Troll-tech corp blowtorch-made-for-raping-Recons model 9000.
Cocking the AK and the M9 Cole proceeded down the street to the courtyard that had the fountain in it and an M-COM station next to it and saw an LAV-25 dry-humping the fountain.
Heading up the ladder of the building across the street C0l3 looked around the map with his binoculars that didn’t exist and saw all the crazy shit going on; Marines yelling in all caps with the word ‘fuck’ being every other word in the sentence while the Recons camped on rooftops failing to hit jack shit because every sniper in the game thought that the higher you go the better you are as a sniper when in fact they’re fucking dipshits that don’t understand the concept of bullet drop.
The Supports ran around throwing 34 bricks of C4 on tanks, APCs, jeeps, people, World Trade Centers, dogs, and pretty much everything they saw while throwing down ammo for themselves to replenish the C4 they expended.
The Engineers ran up to the camping Recons and blowtorched their skulls and then teabagged them, getting booted from the server by the Admin who happened to be one of those camping Recons because he was a faggot and thought he was so cool for holding “power” over the people who played in his rented server.
The Assaults were the only ones doing reasonable shit(like planting the bombs on the M-COMs and reviving their dead teammates) though they died the most because they were trying to play the objective instead of being a Pr0 l3g1t No5c0p3r R3c0n.
“This is a fucking clusterfuck” Cole lamented, stowing the non-existent binoculars and jumping off the building, opening his parachute three feet off the ground which still somehow broke his fall while Scootaloo fluttered down using her pathetic wingpower to slow her descent.
Running across the street to the fountain and heading up the stairs behind it the two went down the street and ducked into an alley, finding an Engineer there gripping his basic M4A1 tightly and hyperventilating.
“What the fuck?” Cole wondered, startling the Engineer who screamed and scrambled away, his voice actually sounding kind of feminine.
A patch of a blue pony shrugging was on his shoulder.
“Wait...Kirlia?” Col3 said, prompting the soldier to stop in her tracks and look up at the uber-leet boss.
“H-How do you know my name?” the Engineer asked, definitely a female.
“I’m Cole, AKA Codename: One, AKA the Archangel(unofficial nickname)” the b0ss MW3 player answered, offering a hand to pull her to her feet.
“You’re Codename: One?!” the player said, squeeing like Fluttershy and fan-girling all over the place.
“So you know this chick?” Scootaloo said, looking up at the two humans.
“Yeah, this is Kirlia-481*, 15-year-old girl with long black hair who wanted me to put in her real life appearance so pedophiles would have an easier time finding her. She’s one of my readers and a person I’m beta-reading a story for. She was hiding here because she sucks at Battlefield, apparently” Cole replied, Kirlia punching him in the arm.
“Ow, hey! What was that for?”
“For saying I suck at this game, though I can’t really deny it. Anyway I guess I was right; you really do look and sound really manly, and you’re kinda cute” Kirlia complemented, making the usually hard-ass Call of Duty player blush.
“T-thanks. Anyway, before you get too far ahead of yourself and become the love interest I must first get your help; I’m here looking for my beta-reader, Blackburn; he’s most likely playing as a Support with an M60 spraying bullets everywhere. Have you seen him?” Cole inquired.
“You’re in luck, I think; I saw a Support running down the street spraying his M60 everywhere and yelling about Jihad and Allah” the female stated.
“That was definitely Blackburn. Where did you see him last?”
“On the street in front of that building that has one of the first two M-COMs in it; he ran up to the LAV and threw C4 all over it, blowing it across the map where it landed on the fountain. Though the Abrams showed up and shot at him before he could C4 that bitch too. Don’t know where he is now” Kirlia explained.
“Don’t worry, it won’t be hard to find him” C0l3 responded, preparing to head out.
“Soooo...you wanna go out sometime?” Kirlia asked, making Cole blush furiously.
“D-damn it, Kirlia, you can’t be the love interest unless I get permission from you in real life!” Cole protested, his cheeks a fair shade of red as he turned away and grew his eyepatch like he was some Clint Eastwood hard-ass that rejects the girl at first because he’s such a hard-ass uber-leet boss hero.
“Oooh, Cole and Kirlia sittin’ in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Scootaloo chanted, earning a scowl from the male human.
“Let’s just go and find Blackburn.”
“Wait, aren’t you on the enemy team?” Kirlia asked, eyeing his AKS-74u; if he was on the enemy team she’d be screwed as she wouldn’t be able to hit shit because her aim was horrible.
“No, I just stole this kit from a dead Russian who got raped by an Abrams” Cole answered, heading down the street while Kirlia and Scootaloo followed, talking about the usual chick stuff like how hot Cole was and how good he was at Call of Duty.
At least that’s what they were talking about in his head; in reality they were probably talking about shoes or some shit.
“So then I said 'Wow, he doesn't look like what I think he looked like. He looks manly. Then I saw the Run walkthrough and I said 'OMG, his voice sounds manly as well!' Fangirl FTW!’ and I would’ve subscribed but I forgot the password to my Youtube profile” Kirlia said, finishing recounting a story to Scootaloo.
Cole stopped in his tracks and thought wait, they really were talking about how hot I was and how good I am at CoD? Da fuk?
“Looks like the defenders have been pushed back to the set of M-COMs right before the ones across the river; Kirlia, what team is Blackburn on?” Cole asked, turning around to face the female human.
“Uhhhh...American; I heard him screaming about Jihad in English, not Russian.”
“Good, that means he’s about to blow up the M-COMs and push the Russians across the river” Cole said, continuing on his way with the girls in tow.
“How do you know this?” Kirlia inquired, jogging a little to catch up to him while Scootaloo was forced to run. The explosions in the area had died down as the warring factions steadily moved to the back of the map.
“He’s Blackburn; he’ll rape the M-COMs and then shit on the admin using a PP-2000 with thermal sight, tactical light, and suppressor just because he can” the ub3r-l33t b0ss answered as they neared the third set of M-COMs next to the river.
Suddenly there was a loud snap and Kirlia went down screaming, forcing Cole and Scootaloo to dive behind a building to take cover.
“Kirlia! What happened?!” Scootaloo yelled, cowering behind the male human.
“F-faggot Recon...M98B...12x scope.......what a tryhard bitch...” Kirlia wheezed, slipping off as a skull and crossbones icon appeared above her.
She was dead.
“K-Kirlia? She’ll be OK, r-right? She can j-just respawn, right?” Scootaloo asked, on the verge of crying.
“Sure, but she probably won’t, she’ll probably just ditch this game and go play Black Ops because she’s bad at this game” Cole replied, feeling the ghost of Kirlia punch him in the arm again.
I hate you the beast CoD player thought, hoping Kirlia could hear him.
“It’s just you and me now, Scootaloo; we’ve gotta find Blackburn and get the hell out of here” Cole exclaimed, preparing to quickly head out while the Recon was busy jerking off over the kill he just got.
Peeking around the corner the human saw the lens flare that shined across the entire fucking map like a Goddamned SOS beacon broadcasting the sniper’s location for all to see.
“There’s the bastard” Cole declared, preparing to shoot at him; even if he didn’t kill him suppression works 10x for snipers so even a .22 coming in his general direction would make the Recon shit himself and make his vision blurrier than an old guy who just jizzed everywhere’s eyesight.
As he was about to open fire a bunch of Supports jumped out of an alley and starting spraying their M60s all over the damn joint, suppressing Cole and forcing him to duck back.
“I’M PINNED, I’M PINNED MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHIT-LICKER I NEED HELP!” Cole yelled, feeling the nature of Battlefield 3 rubbing off on him(bow chicka bow wow.)
“Don’t worry kid, I’ll save you” a deep creeper voice said over the radio, sounding like Batman after he had chain-smoked for 35 years.
Suddenly the map fell dark as the sun was eclipsed by a Support guy who was flying in the air, catching the attention of all the players on the map that weren’t AFK or circle-jerking around the M-COMs.
“Gonna fist a bitch with my cheese grater!” the Support growled, soaring down to the ground and Commando lunging the enemy Support guys in the alley that were suppressing Cole, though the lunge was even bigger as it was Bad Company 2’s version of Commando, which would let you knife a bitch standing on the roof of a two-story house if you jumped before knifing.
With each Support guy knifed the blade grew longer, making the bodies stick on the blade like a human shish-kebab. The Support guys tried in vain to shoot the Super-Support but he just ate the bullets and shit them out.
Seeing all the Supports get raped up the ass by a box-cutter ACB-90 the Engineers sloppily coordinated a plan which was total fucking fail because they were all 14 year olds living in a basement and all wanted to be the one “with the cool plan”.
Super-Support mowed them all down with a single mag of his M60, yelling “YATATATATATATATA” as he did so which made his aim 100,000,000% better(true story.)
Now down to just their Recons and Assaults the enemy team banded together in a rare form of cooperation and *GASP*, the Recons were actually going to fucking do something other than jerk off on their 12x Ballistic scopes.
I'm just kidding, they’re all running for the nearest building that has a ladder going to the roof.
Realizing they were on their own the Assaults came up with the genius plan of bum-rushing the Super-Support, basing their plan on the logic that they can just revive one another until one of them finally kills the crazy motherfucker.
With their plan in motion all the Assaults rushed forward into a meat grinder of bullets, all coming from the Support’s M60E4 while he had flashbacks to Nam about the Vietcong rushing his hill and wilting apart under the storm of bullets he had fired from an original M60.
As the first of their ranks began to die several broke off to revive them, creating an endless cycle of Assaults reviving Assaults while Super-Support mowed them down, receiving only the odd bullet in his foot before he killed the shooter.
Seven hours and 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 experience points for the Super-Support later the Assaults had finally given up and quit the game, sending their enemy a bunch of hate-mail.
Cleaning his cheese grater off in the river the Super-Support just ran up to the building that EVERY SINGLE Recon player was on and watched as the Recons frantically cut the ladder off, forcing the Super-Support to stab his box-cutter into the building and use it like an ice-pick to get to the top of the building.
Upon reaching the top the Recons opened fire, though all of them had M98Bs with 12x ballistic scopes because they were all faggots.
The Super-Support’s C4 made short work of them.
Jumping back down to the ground the Super-Support approached Cole and Scootaloo, the three of them the only ones left alive in the server. Super-Support smoked a cigar and polished his cheese grater with a cloth, saying “you’re all clear kid, now go home.”
“Blackburn, it’s me, Cole. I need your help” the b0ss game player said, making Super-Support perk up and toss his cigar and cheese grater into the river.
“Cole? Holy shit, what the fuck are you doing here?” Super-Support, AKA Blackburn, asked, ditching the pedophile chain-smoker Batman voice in favor of his normal voice.
“Captain Price told me there’s some kind of plan I have to stop that’s currently being put in motion, though he didn’t give me any details because I need to provide suspense in my story. Want to help me stop something that I know nothing about? And on that note, do you have anything that could help us figure out what this evil plan is?” Cole asked, stowing his AKS-74u on his back.
“Captain Price came to me with the same thing, though he actually gave me some info to help me. I guess he figured I would have a better chance than your bitch ass” Blackburn commented.
“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what’s the deal?”
“Apparently this evil plan involves PURE UNCUT COCAINE and some kind of super-weapon, which is seriously the best the author could come up with because, despite what his readers would/will say, he’s actually not that good of an author” Blackburn explained.
“So, we got Pure Uncut Cocaine and a super-weapon; any idea as to who’s behind this?” the ub3r-l33t b0$$ inquired, preparing to head back to The Hub now that they’ve recruited Blackburn.
“Unfortunately no, though it’s probably Casey Hudson or EA, or the Jews at Activision. Or the nig-” Blackburn started, cut off when the author himself descended from the sky and paid him 1,000 dollars to cut the racist/homophobic/9-11 related jokes for the duration of his time in the story.
(Blackburn's gonna be PISSED.)
“Right, now that I’ve been sufficiently bribed do you want to go back to The Hub?” Blackburn stated, pulling his airsoft G36 out of nowhere and masturbating over it.
“Sure. Let’s go” Cole responded, preparing to open the portal.
“Don’t forget Scootaloo” Blackburn reminded the b0$$, seeing that Cole had almost completely forgot about the little filly in this chapter.
“Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me” C0l3 said, grabbing the little Pegasus as the three of them jumped through the portal, leaving the map vacant for several seconds.
Suddenly Kirlia ran up on the street, panting heavily and saying “I’m back! I respawned and had to run all the way back out here. I’m ready to... Cole? Scootaloo? Where’d you guys go?”
There was no response.
Suddenly a couple of the Recons respawned and walked up to Kirlia, yelling “holy shit! You’re a girl?!” before spamming her hundreds of friend requests and asking if she wanted to go out with them.
Kirlia sighed before killing herself and backing out of the game, going back to play Black Ops.
A/N: it's a trainwreck! Oooohh, it's a trainwreck.
Legal rape(lolwut): Scootaloo and all related characters belong to Hasbro. Cole belongs to me. Blackburn belongs to himself. Kirlia belongs to herself. My Little Pony is owned by Hasbro.
Finding the leads
After a night(or maybe it was a day, I don’t fucking know) of sleeping in The Hub the team, comprised of Cole, Blackburn, and Scootaloo went over what they knew about the evil plan that was currently being concocted that they had to stop.
Well, Cole and Blackburn talked about it, Scootaloo just jerked off to 70’s porn in the corner.
“All of the PURE UNCUT COCAINE I own was stolen recently, and we know the plot involves PUC, so perhaps the mastermind behind this plan stole it to feed it to his hookers or some shit” Blackburn said, stroking his cheese grater that he had magically whisked into the Hub from the river he tossed it in.
“OK, so that might be a possible connection; so we’ve got PURE UNCUT COCAINE and a super-weapon involved, and we still don’t know who’s behind it. We need to pursue some leads and look for some clues. What kind of leads do we have?” Cole asked, smoking another cigarette.
“Just the PURE UNCUT COCAINE” Blackburn answered, leaning back against the locked door made of gold.
“Huh? Oh, I didn’t even see this door here.”
“I know, right? It’s so subtle that it’s almost invisible” Cole stated, opening up one of the wood doors and waking up Scootaloo.
“Scoots, it’s time to go” the ub3r-l33t bo$$ said, nudging the sleeping filly. She was so cute, so tender, so young and innocent and vulnera--
Cole smacked himself and forced the pedophile thoughts out of his head, feeling Chris Hansen’s eyes peering at him from around one of the doors.
“Ughh, I’m tired. Can’t I just stay here and sleep?” Scootaloo asked, her voice groggy and she rolled over.
“Sure, me and Blackburn can handle an op by ourselves. In fact, it might be better if you stay here; the universe is a dangerous place” Cole stated.
“Especially since Jerry Sandusky’s escaped from prison” Blackburn commented, making Cole shudder in disgust and fear.
“OK, Scootaloo, we’ll be back soon; sweet dreams, sweetie” the b0$$ declared.
“COUGHgayCOUGH” Blackburn exclaimed ostentatiously, a smile on his douchey face.
“Let’s go” C0le said, the two jumping through the door he had selected.
“Just one question: why the fuck did you bring me here?” Blackburn asked, seeing that they had arrived in the universe of Call of Duty: Black Ops.
“Look on the bright side; it’s Black Cocks, not Modern Warfuck 3” Cole stated, walking forward and perusing the scene; it was the map Jungle, which means...
“BACK IN ‘NAM!!!” Blackburn yelled, his voice changing to the chain-smoker Batman voice and an eyepatch falling on his face as he shit out an M60 and ran forward, spraying the LMG everywhere and screaming “NAM NAM NAM NAM NAM NAM!!”
“Well, this is a trainwreck, huh?” a female voice said behind Cole, prompting him to whip around and take aim with the Family Heirloom... Wait, wrong story... The Man-Toy, his silver M1911A1.
“Hey, wait! It’s me, Kirlia” the female said, holding the Stoner 63 with Extended Mags; how she was able to shoot anything through the clusterfuck that were the iron sights was a mystery.
“I guess you really did go back to Black Ops; wanna help me restrain Blackburn before he destroys the whole world?” C0l3 inquired, stowing his 1911 back in his holster.
“Sure!” Kirlia exclaimed, joining Cole as he begrudgingly went after Blackburn.
I don’t even know if this story will be able to be posted on FIMfiction; what with Blackburn and Kirlia here there’s so much circle-jerking going on the mods would descend from the heavens and hit me in the face with the banhammer like Thor using MJOLNIR as a baseball bat the b0$$ mused.
Maybe I’ll just kill Kirlia.
Sounded like a good plan to him.
After four hours of searching the same map the two of them finally found Blackburn, his balls a deflated mess after he had jerked off over a hundred Vietcong soldiers burning to death from his napalm strikes.
“Gross” Kirlia commented, and Col3 had no reason to disagree.
“Wake him up; we have to do...something. I don’t know” Cole stated, turning away and looking around; they were in that one corner of the map that had the bunker-pit with the choppers behind the fence and the bridge leading to that well with the slanted roof.
“Why do I have to wake him up?” Kirlia whined, not even wanting to look at Blackburn and the charred remains of VC covered in cum.
“Because I told you to, alright?! You can wash your fucking hands in the piss river nearby after you’re done” Cole yelled, heading across the bridge to the well and the hut next to it.
Kirlia looked down at Blackburn and nudged him with her foot, earning no response; he was out like a light.
“Ughhh, I paid $100 dollars for these boots, too; this is so gross” Kirlia said. She nudged Blackburn harder this time and he woke up, grunting and snorting, dumping a pouch of PURE UNCUT COCAINE all over his face and standing up.
“Where the fuck are my pants?” Blackburn asked, searching the piles of corpses for his G36 which he would wear as a cock-sock until he could get some new pants at the Quarian sex shop in the next chapter.
“So, uh, what’re you guys doing here?” Kirlia asked, averting her eyes from Blackburn’s 30-inch penis which he had because he was so awesome.
“The fuck would I know? Ask Cole, it’s his stupid ass that brought us here” the parody writer answered, sticking his dick down the barrel of his G36 and stealing a couple wallets from the dead VC.
“That’s wrong, you shouldn’t do that” Kirlia stated, making Blackburn slowly turn his head to face her with a creepy/angry look on his face.
As Blackburn prepared to drink a beer they heard Cole call out their names, forcing them to head over across the bridge where they found the b0$$ standing next to the well.
“Take a look at this” C0le declared, nodding at the well and stepping aside.
He didn’t even bat an eye at Blackburn wearing his G36 over his penis.
“Umm, doesn’t this weird you out?” Kirlia asked, pointing to Blackburn.
“No? Why would it? He’s fucking Blackburn; he probably wears that thing like that in real life while playing BF3 with me which is kinda creepy when I think about it I’m going to stop talking now inhale sharply” Col3 exclaimed.
“Anyway, what’s in this well? Tali’Zorah? Can I fuck her?” Blackburn inquired, peering over the edge into the well where he saw the corpse of Casey Hudson, the project leader for Mass Effect.
“Thank God that bitch is dead as hell; he fucking deserved it. Just like how the glitter child deserved to be raped” Blackburn said.
“Wow, you guys are fucked up” Kirlia told them, disgusted by both of their general demeanor’s and attitudes.
“Where did you find this bitch, Cole? Look baby, this is how we act; I say racist/homophobic/sexist and otherwise generally offensive thing, Cole says I’m a bad person despite the fact that he’s laughing his ass off, and then we all get along until I Jackhammer rape him in BF3 and he posts an author’s note that’s longer than the damn chapter he put it in” Blackburn ranted, pissing on Casey Hudson’s corpse.
“That’s precisely why I’m saying you guys are fucked up!” Kirlia replied.
“Look, Kir, I know you don’t like it but you’ll get used to it eventually; hell, I was the same way when I first talked with Blackburn on XBL but I’ve learned to just roll with it ‘cause he’s never going to stop; and regardless of how offensive it is some of the shit he says is fucking hilarious” Cole explained.
“Yeah, what he said; now go make me a sammich, bitch” Blackburn ordered, suddenly wearing a Quarian mask.
“Yeah, no, fuck this; I’m outta here. Cole, don’t forget you need to beta-read my story” Kirlia stated, preparing to GTFO.
“Yeah if you ever get around to writing the fucking thing” Cole whispered, looking away at Blackburn.
“What was that?” Kirlia asked.
“Nothing, get out of here” the ub3r-l33t b0$$ answered, walking away with Blackburn while Kirlia disappeared and went to go jerk off.
“OK, so here’s what we got; PURE UNCUT COCAINE, a superweapon, and Casey Hudson’s corpse; any idea how this fits?” Cole said as the two walked down the grassy path behind the hut that lead to the stone ruins at the back of Jungle.
“No idea, but we’re gonna need to fish out Hudson’s corpse” Blackburn responded.
“Are you gonna do what I think you are, Black?” Cole said, stopping and turning to face his friend.
“No, I’m just going to shit all over it and send pics to my girlfriend” Blackburn stated.
“Gross. Let’s just get out of here.”
Once back in The Hub Cole had a shit-fit because Scootaloo was gone and Blackburn didn’t give a shit because he had chicken until Leroy Jenkins rushed in and stole it forcing them to chase after him when he went through the gold door and locked it behind himself, cutting them off and leaving them wondering WTF had just happened.
"That bitch just stole my chicken!" Blackburn declared, Tank Dempsey jumping out of nowhere and yelling "yo dat's fucked up, nigga!!"
My balls are inert: Scootaloo and all related characters belong to Hasbro. Cole, Blackburn, and Kirlia all belong to their respective owners. I don't know who owns Tank Dempsey, probably some lazy faggot-ass game programmers.