Get it? Gaben? Aww, forget it.)"No way bro, you know Khajiit is the way to go. Stealth, agility, claws, all the stuff about them is epic. Nords are plain." I shouted at my friend Alex in protest. He seemed to think that the Khajiit were weird and dumb looking. Well, a red mark in the shape of a hand looked "dumb" on his face, so... Meh, we're even.
"Well, the Nords are everywhere! This isn't Morrowind anymore."
"At least I've played Morrowind!"
"Hey, you know my computer can't handle that stuff. My computer sucks!"
"Whatever.... Hey. Come back in one piece, okay? Don't let your dormie eat your brain." Alex is one of my absolute best friends because we have so much in common. Including the love to argue. Unfortunately, his thinks the Khajiit are weird. Oh well, his loss. He was leaving for college and ever since that news report of the demented dorm mate that ate his friend's brain went live, we've been creeped out. I was more worried than him. Although, I'm assuming that I should be fine and things will blow over by the time I go to college. You see, I'm only 17. I have my licence and I'm working at Alloyd Inc. I have the craziest internship and I hope to get an actual job there soon. College first, though. Enough tangenting, back to our conversation.
"Later, brony!" Alex held out a fist in anticipation for what I could only assume was a brohoof. Oh yes, did I neglect to mention? Alex is a brony. Sighing, a tapped his fist his my own, and he emitted the world's most obnoxious *clock* noise with his mouth. "Alex," I began, "I'm not a brony, for the..." I began to jokingly count under my breath before declaring the ridiculously high number, "275th time!"
"Oh, that's bull and you know it."
"Okay, the 54th time. Better?"
"Almost... I gotta go. I'll call you from the dorm."
"See ya, man. Take care."
Later that day, around 6pm, I took a stroll down the boardwalk to clear my mind of all negative thoughts. It was about 10 minutes in, that I started hearing a voice in my head. Before you call the nice big man in a white suit, hear me out. The voice was calming, yet creepy. I mean, why wouldn't a voice in your head be creepy? Both factors basically evened out each other, so it least I was a calm and collected wacko. There was no one around, so I spoke quietly to myself. "Hello, inner voice. Are you going to guide me to nirvana?"
"No, dimwit. I'm here to give you your number one wish."
"Wow. My inner voice is a dick. Okay, senor sassy pants, get on with it."
"That's not a way to talk to me, my little brony." The voice was chaotically smooth, fiendish and friendly. All at once. Wait, did it just call me a brony? Oh, hell no.
"Apologies, inner craziness, but you called me a dimwit. Another thing, I'm not a brony. That would be Alex."
"I'm not your inner voice, I'm Dis... Wait, you're not Alex?"
"You're not my inner voice?"
"I just said that."
"I just said that!" Okay, I was frustrated with Dis. Wait, I remember who this was... Alex kept droning on about the 'Best villain ever'. Uh.. Discord! Spirit of chaos, right? I think I know how this worked. Alex paid me 5 bucks once, to read the first few chapters of a pony fanfic. Meh. Was really cool guy. Killed dragons and doesn't afraid of anything!
"Fair enough." Responded the FUCKING SPIRIT OF CHAOS ITSELF.
"Okay," I said shakily, honestly trying to convince myself I was going crazy, "I think I've seen enough pony fic to know where this is going... But what do you want from me?"
"Easy, my little brony. To take you to the land of dreams." This seems like something out of SEGA's terrible "Nights" series.
"Discord, I'm not a brony. Can't you pick someone else?" Look, I have no clue what I did, but discord snapped faster than a freezer-burnt twig.
"NO! Okay? No, look, it's INCREDIBLY hard to track someone down on Earth. Maybe it's sunspot interference, I have no idea! No, no, one THOUSAND times no. You are going, my friend. Don't expect to come back!"
Well, hullabaloo and roody-poo. I was knocked tha' fug out!
Somewhere... On a beach on Earth, a lifeguard is having a heart attack.
This is the part where I wake up in my bed at 7am on Friday, but I have to be fresh, so I go downsta-...
No, I woke up on the most obnoxious tree in the history of ever. I say that because of the generous lump I was laying on known as a root. I slowly got my feet, wondering what I drank. Then remembering I was underage. Then wondering why my thoughts drifted to drinking at my age. I was a confuddled mess. After stumbling around aimlessly -and by stumbling I mean I literally tripped 8 times- I sat down by a calm yet bubbling brook, a nice sunrise, birds chirping and wild panther-esque animal. "Well," I thought, ignoring the wild cat, "At least I have fresh water." I chuckled as I thought of Bear Grylls drinking his urine. "Shite," I thought, acknowledging the wild cat, "I don't have time to drink it."
Commence the running.
Boy scout training taught me-... Yes, I was a boy scout when I was younger. You're laughing with me, I'm sure. However, my laugh is in the form of a firm middle finger frantically pointing up. Nevertheless, the boy scouts taught me two things! How to tie a decent knot in 18 different ways! Also how to climb a tree. "That'll never be useful," said the 8 year old dumbass in me, "I will never ever be stranded in the woods. I'll live a nice city life." Well, you either climb the fucking tree or get booted out, so I climbed that sucker. Comically dodging the cat and letting it smack into the tree head-first was funny, but you don't exactly laugh then and there, so "Hah, take that puss!" I taunted, climbing up the tree. I looked back to taught the little shit again but IT WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME. Quick thinking time! Cats climb trees! Cats can't get down! Jump, little Jase! Jump! I jumped right off a branch and tucked and rolled on the ground. (Protip: Jumps from high heights hurt even after tucking and rolling. (Fuck you, EA and Mirror's Edge.))
After the swelling in my ankle reached the maximum it could without exploding, I confirmed I had sprained my ankle. Badly. Yeah, this was going to take some ice. Maybe even some aloe! I limped along the brook, leaving the cat in the tree. (Stupid feline.) As I walked, I thought to myself, "Am I really in Equestria?" or other totally normal thoughts like, "Did someone stalk me, trick me, rape me, and leave me in a forest somewhere?" Well considering I lived in NEW YORK CITY, I didn't think there would be a lot of forests big enough to dump stupid, crazy, non-bronies. Then I did think that there were definitely enough rapists. I traversed the land for an all of... I really want to say 10 minutes before stopping again. My inner voi- "Discord" was back.
"Hell-Ohh..."
"What the-? Oh damnit, not this again. I'm so crazy."
"I hate you thinking your crazy, because it involuntarily calls me crazy and I'm NOT crazy."
"That doesn't make sense."
"See? I'm catching the crazy. I'm coming out of your head." I felt a small tugging on my hair, and poof! A faded image of a classy human appeared in front of me. Well, when a mommy and a daddy- Rather, when a human comes out of your skull, you tend to freak out. Lord can only imagine what I did...
I sat down and pretended to sip coffee. What? I figured coffee would just poof into my han-
It did.
"How many lumps?" Asked the classy human whom I was dubbing "Nigel" for no particular reason.
"Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!" I shouted as I threw my hands up and ran... about 4 inches, then collapsed from the pain in my ankle.
"Well now," began the Discordant Nigel as he inspected my ankle, "What have you done? Taken from the cat and the tree, you face-planted to avoid death."
"People tend to do that. Where the fuck are we?" Then the totally normal question from before egging at the back of my head, "Did you rape me?" Disgel looked taken aback. He then spoke in a decent cliche black lady accent. "I could do soo much bettuh den you."
"Fair enough," I nodded genuinely, "So... Wonda? You've got some 'splainin' to do!" I gestured all around. Nigcord smirked and began to tell me the enthralling tale of what happened.
"You see, whatever-your-name-is, I was looking for your friend, Alex. I got you instead. Now he's told you about My Little Pony? That show he likes? Well, you're here! Now, since I focused half my chaotic magic on pre-turning your friend into something, so he would transform when he arrived, and half of it on getting you here, looks like you're stuck as a human for a while. If not forever."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"Not if you want to fit in."
"I thought there where other humans."
"Yes, disguised as other creatures. We try our best to keep thorough humans out of this over here."
"Why, where are we?" I'm not very bright.
"EQUESTRIA, YOU-" he sighed, "You're in Equestria. Here, let me help with that." He tapped the ground and a dim light trailed to my enlarged foot and healed my ankle. "Thanks!" I exclaimed, getting up. "You know, Alex said you were a villain, but you seem like a good guy to me."
"Oh, Jason..." He patted me on the head awkwardly, before continuing, "Now, since all the other humans here have talents as other animals, and you are particularly good at nothing other than video games," I scowled, maybe he was a villain, I don't know. "say the first video game, flash animation, and movie you think of. Go!" Discord the Nigel disappeared and my mind locked onto the three things it thought of. Literally, I couldn't think of anything else for a few seconds. Suddenly, Nigel the Discord appeared behind me and shouted into my ear in an obnoxious announcer voice, "The results are in!" He held up three cards and read them silently, frowning more and more as he went. "Darn." He announced gloriously, as he hung his head. It was glorious for me, at least. Even though, I didn't even remember what I thought of 10 seconds ago. "Video game," he began, "Skyrim. Flash animation: Shock. Movie: How to Train You Dragon- This isn't fair!"
"Why? What did I do!?"
He sighed again, "The rules I made are, you get the powers your subconsciousness chose. That way, you don't really control it."
"So I get..." I pointed to my throat and he nodded slowly, "And..." I reluctantly made a kung-fu stance and he nodded even more slowly, "And I can tame DRAGONS!?" I don't know if you have pieced this together about me or not, I'm telling you. I fucking love dragons. Not that way, I just mean they are incredibly awesome. And steak. I fucking love steak. Discord nodded yet again, but only so faintly that I had to stare to notice. "Well," he began, "I can't always be the good guy, so... You can only talk to dragons. They don't just automatically like you. Fair enough?"
"fair enough." I whispered to no one, because at this point, he shoved me so far up into Cloud Nine I officially didn't give a shit about anything. I could talk to dragons! Befriend one, kill Bandits, -and if I needed to- call for DRAGON BACKUP! Balls yeah! Then Discord brought out the vacuum and sucked me off of Cloud Nine. "Oh look," he muttered nonchalantly , clearly enjoying this to much, "Puss-puss got down!"
(Author's Note: I am a grammar Nazi who wrote this at 3am. So naturally, I hate spelling incorrectly, or missing words. If you see any spelling errors, feel free to tell me in the comments section. Or, if you're feeling lucky, contact me at "bestpopcornever@aol.com" Thanks a bunch, and stay tuned!)
Well, fuck! I need to do something about this big CAT running at me faster than a Kenyan... Sorry, I'm feeling extra offensive today. Especially after being beamed to a new world. Wait, beamed? Okay, I'm re-dubbing "Nigel" to "Scottie". I like to think that I'm an elaborate thinker, but I get things done as fast as I can, no matter what. Math homework? Calculator. Science homework? Google. Reading homework? Summary websites. I had an answer for everything ASAP. Therefore, the first thing I thought of when the previously mentioned cat was seen dashing towards the human with Skyrim/Shock/Dragon Talk powers, shit was gonna get crazy. As the cat neared me, I crouched and looked at the cat, but pointing towards the sky with my mouth by a tad.
"Ruaaawr!"
"FUS RO DAH!" SHWOOSH! "Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh my God! Oh my God! Ohhhhh my Gooood!"
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Fangasm
I screamed until I tasted pure success in my mouth. It tasted coppery. I swear, I almost choked on success! Seriously, because apparently success was blood. Okay, the message I'm trying to convey was I had a nosebleed. Damn, it was a biggie! I noticed it when I cupped my hands to my face in sheer joy and looked at my hands. "Fuck!" I spat out my blood and ran to the brook to rinse off. "Hey!" called Scottie, "You alright? You're havin' a face-period over there!"
"Dude, shut the fuck up! This hurts!"
"Dude?" He asked incredulously, "You didn't just call the spirit of CHAOS, dude."
"Dude," I said smirking at the expense of the fuming Scotts, "chill out."
Well, at least he can take a joke. He burst out laughing and walked over slowly. "I like you, kid. You got good things goin' for ya. Don't die on me, cuz' I have faith. That isn't something I have in things normally. Anyway, you do whatever it is you do when your alone." He gave me a wink... I didn't get it.
"Wait, how do I survive? I don't even... I don't know what to do!"
"You're a human... Trust me, it'll come to you faster than a face-period." And with that, he was gone, leaving to my own devices. Sure enough, it didn't come to me. My face-period, I mean. That thing wasn't leaving for a long time. A full 30 seconds of pure blood loss. I wasn't feeling light-headed though. Did... Did I have unlimited blood? Nope... I passed out.
When I came to, there a smoldering piece of grass on my face. It smelled nice. Someone was reviving me. An arm, covered in fur, waving a piece of something grass-like in front of me. I did that normal, manly thing to do. Scream at the top of my lungs. "AHH!" I turned to see a cat lady straight out of a wacky manga staring at me, a smile spanning the majority of her face while flicking out the grass leaf. "Ah, the screaming reaction. Congratulations, you are the 10 percent."
"Sonnuva.. Ahh.." I rubbed my head, did they drag me here and hit my head on MORE TREE ROOTS the whole way?
"Oh good! I thought you would've had brain damage, honestly. From what Shiela and Kaitlee said, your head was hit by tree roots," She looked like she was mentally counting, "18 times." Fucking knew it.
"Well," I said, mustering about 60 percent of my sarcasm, "glad they were careful." Kitty-lady giggled and introduced herself, "My name is Nadene, and I have no idea what you are!" That is the best introduction ever. I took a second or so to stare at her, looking for likeness between me and her. Two arms, two legs, two foot/paw things, two hands;four fingers on each, two eyes, two pointed ears, a mouth, a nose, and a blade of special revival grass. Now everything except the grass, I shared with her. Oh and minus the "pointed" part where I mentioned ears. And the four-finger thing. She was a light-orange and wore relatively human clothing. I decided to respond with as much obviousness and briefness as I could muster. "Likewise!" She giggled again, and stood up. She was at decent height, around 6 feet tall. I tried to stand up, but the pain in my head was crazy. No thanks to Shiela and Kaitlee. "Whoa," Nadene crouched down to where I nearly fell, "you alright?"
"Well, ask my head. It's the one that decided to become a tree root magnet." She giggled again. She was an incredibly giggly thing. "Why don't... I tell you what I am first..." I asked.
"Ooh! Alrighty"
"Well, I'm Jason. I'm a human and... Yeah. That's it. I take it there aren't many of my kind here?"
"Nope! None, actually. That's alright though, I guess... You look just like us! Only... With less fur!"
"Yeah. Anyway, your turn, I suppose."
"I'm Nadene," she said, helping me to me feet, "And you must be hungry."
"I just told you, I'm Jason." She giggled for about the 300th time, "No, seriously though, no thank you. I ate just a little bit ago. I should be fine for another few hours. Well, actually, how long was I out?"
"Well, it's about an hour past midday so.. Four days."
"Four days! What the... I could have been in a mini-coma!" She went wide-eyed and looked at me, panic in her voice, "What!? How?"
"Your welcoming committee smacked my head on 18 trees!"
"No, it was only about 3 trees. The kept circling trees trying to get back to the village... They... Don't have the best sense of direction."
"Beautiful." Nadene didn't giggle. I know, right? Instead she laughed. What was so funny, I don't know. My sarcastic outbursts aren't that funny, are they?
"Don't worry, I checked for injury. You have nothing to worry about. Other than mini-comas. I doubt that though, although you did have a lot of blood on your face. Nosebleed?"
"Nosebleed."
"Ah. Well, I've set up a section of the room. It's yours for as long as you stay here." I tried to protest, but she wouldn't let me. She said that it was in her kind's nature to be nice. Literally. Also, she was not to receive anything in return. Seriously, she had to turn everything down. God dammit, I wish more human were like this. Oh well, I thanked her and began to walk away, only to realize something. Where was I going to go? What was I going to do? Well, that could be figured out at a later time. For now, I had to find out where the fuck my phone went and check my Facebook. Then I have to figure out why I was stupid enough to think that there would be a signal here.
...
Shut up, I'm not crazy, we've established this.
...
Anyway, I was already at the window, so I looked outside to catch a glimpse of the village that I would take residence in for a while. There were children playing, not many, but they were there, no doubt. There were adults talking, and the faint sound of a mother calling two children indoors, "Shiela and Kaitlee! Come in for some lunch!" Now I know where they lived. Those brats. They seemed a little younger than Nadene, and skipped merrily to their house. I don't give a fuck what you think about me for not exploring the SHIT out of this place first, I wanted to play some Angry Birds. "Nadene!" I called out, in the entire opposite direction of where she was. She came up behind me and shouted back at me just as loud as I shouted for her, "What!?"
"Oh, hi. Heh.. Sorry. Anyway, have you seen my cell phone?"
"The what?"
"About this big," I moved my hands to show the length, "black, thin-"
"Oh, yep! That thing! We found it in your pocket and had no idea what it was. It's in the kitchen."
"Which is where?"
"Down that little hallway."
"Thanks!" I strolled calmly -as calmly as I could get- down that hallway until I reached the back, which was a fairly sized room with a kitchen, an old looking sink, a stove with a pot on it, and a table. I assume I had caught the father in making a delicious stew. "Umm... Hi there!"
"Oh!" He turned around and looked absentmindedly into the very fibers of my soul. How do you even do that? First thing he said to me?
"Sorry about the eyes. Moderately blind. Hope it isn't too strange." Somehow, this man-cat earned my respect. And he was cooking a great smelling meal BLIND.
"No no, it shouldn't be that bad... This smells amazing. I have to say that at least."
"Thank you!" He exclaimed, immediately righting his eyes. If he was really blind, that was some freaky stuff. Nightmare material, bro. Whatever. "Hey," I asked, collecting what was left of my composure, "I'm looking for a device. Flat, black, lights up occasionally?" He pointed to a counter where I saw... Nothing. "Sorry." He said, switching hands. There it was. "Thanks!" I gleefully picked up my only connection to the world and practically jumped for joy back down the hallway! Back in the bedroom, I sat down in the corner and proceeded to turn on my phone. Nadene peeked over my shoulder and looked at the screen. "What's that?"
"My phone. I can't do most things on it, though. Seeing as there's no internet. See? That cross symbol means... no... internet...."
The bars...
Full...
Hory shet...
I HAVE INTERNET! YES! SO MUCH YES!
Suffice to say, I freaked out. The realization of how amazing this scenario is... is amazing. I have superhuman powers, a working phone, I can talk to dragons. However, the only con to this all is I'm in the land of furries. Let's hope they aren't anything like the internet says.
(Author's Notes: Yet another chapter written in the AM. Please correct me if I spell something incorrectly. Lastly, thanks for the great first reception. You guys rock!)
The scenario in which I was in was the best I've ever been in. I had everything I would ever need for, like, ever. I could do anything! I could go exploring! I could see the world! Make friends with the ponies Alex loved so much. Holy crap, if I got on the show, Alex would be SOOO jelly. But really, I had so many ideas for things to do. So I sat down and surfed YouTube. Maybe that would give me ideas...
Wow...
Did you know that when you mix sodium acetate with water, you can make hot ice? Fuck, I get distracted. Well, I got off YouTube. Nadene was fascinated with the concept of video recording, sharing, and playing. For an all of 10 minutes. Then she found Angry Birds. Good God, she's an animal! Not in the way of, she's a cat, derpa herp. I mean, she beat all the levels in 2 hours. Apparently, it was really easy and she was surprised I couldn't do it. Girl had a brain the size of her whole skull... Actually, I hope not. That would warrant serious medical attention. And brain damage. Severe brain damage. Nevertheless, when she beat that final level, high fives was issued. Epic high fives. That rocked the world... Or at least the immediate airspace. Well, it was around that time that her father up for dinner. This would be interesting. Nadene had mentioned feeding me mush while I was out cold, which almost made me throw my precious stomach acid that I would need to digest dinner out through my mouth/nose!
Then I thought, "Hey! That's in the past, so why the fuck do I care?" Yep. The Lion King taught me that.
So we sat down to a nice veggie stew. Mother of taste-bud explosion! Felt like my mouth had an orgasm and then blew up, only to reconstruct science- I mean itself. Then it formed a foot and kicked my ass and wrote, "Deliclious" on my forehead. "This... Is the best meal... Ever."
"Oh, stop it. It's nothing, really."
"Well, 'nothing' is the best thing I've ever tasted."
"Well... Thank you." The rest of dinner was spent telling Nadene's father what was "So amazing" about my phone. Ya' know what's "So amazing"? THIS COOKING. You zip it about my phone, this makes me want to puke rainbows and kick ass and chew bubblegum all at once!
After Nadene was done gushing, -and that took an eternity- she ate her lukewarm stew. These cats have incredible dexterity with 4 fingers. Though I suppose pinkie fingers are useless, anyway. I literally haven't used them since I made pinkie promises when I was 6. I find it... Intriguing. I should probably explain. I'm a cat kind of guy. I owned 2 for 14 years. They are my favorite animal next to dragons. Seriously. My favorites list doesn't actually work like a number list. I either like the animal enough or not. Like a VIP room, except they're all invited but they don't give a flying fuck because they're animals. *facepalm* No, in all seriousness, that's how it works. Also, I was taking notes on this shit and a picture or two. If I ever did go back to Earth, scientists would flip the fuck out.
I learned from Nadene that these cat-people (They seriously didn't have a name.) were just like humans... Except.. you know... cats. It was legitimately just like a furry's messed up universe. I mean, I was cool with furries, but... once you discover 4chan? Things are never the same. Except for bronies. I was able to maintain a decent mental hold on them because of Alex... Alex.. Alex. I still had full bars, so... Why not call him? I checked my phone, 3 percent battery. Fuck, gotta hurry! Ringing... ringing... ringing... "Hey Jason, wassup? You okay? I called a few times but-"
"Cool story, Alex- Shut the hell up. I've got either really good or really bad news."
"Yeah? What's up, you alright?"
"Yes and no... I'm... in Equestria."
"Hahahaha! What the fuck? Are you a closet brony fantasizing about nirvana or something?"
"No, dude. I swear! I don't know how long I'll be gone or if I'll ever come back. Discord sent me here and-"
"Are you going crazy because I'm gone?"
"Fuck you, man, I'm not joking! I don't know how much battery time is left and I don't know if I will ever talk to you again. I just want you to know... I love you, man. You were a brother to me and I won't ever forget you. If it helps, Discord meant to send you. I uh... I don't even know what to say right now. I'll tell Rainbow-whatever you said hi."
"Holy shit. You're serious. I.. I... Alright, man. I love you too. This is... incredible. And.. heh... yeah.. It's Rainbow Dash."
"Exactly." We were both nervously laughing at this point.
"Confound Discord... He drives me to madness." He chuckled quietly, but I could tell he was close to tears. To be fair, so was I. This was a time-slowing moment. We would never talk again.
"Heh.. I know you love your references. So... I'll end this on a good note," 1% percent battery and closing, "They called me Jason. Remember me." I made a gun sound effect as I hung up the call. Nadene sat down next to me as I looked at the floor. "Who was that?" She asked, quietly; obviously aware of my torn state-of-mind.
I said my words slowly, looking at my dead phone. "That was the last connection to... all human life... that I had." I looked up and at her, "That was my friend, Alex...
I just called to say goodbye."
...
Goodbyes are never easy. You may have or may not have said goodbye before and really meant it. If you haven't, you're lucky. This wasn't a willful goodbye, either. I never asked for this. In fact, I asked for it NOT to happen. If you have said goodbye... and meant it, with a certain finality that lets everyone around you know... You weren't going to see that person again... I'm proud of you. I hate to get all mushy, but think about your best friend. The guy or gal you've known for years. Think about how much they mean to you. Think about leaving forcibly and never returning. That's what I was feeling. Nadene put her arm around my shoulder and leaned into me. It was strange, yes, but she cared. It wasn't "It's in our nature" caring, she really cared. She looked up at me and turned my head towards hers. "Look at me." She said calmly. "I'm sorry. I've lost friends before. The forests... Are unforgiving sometimes. I know what you're feeling. You look older than me, and I don't know how long you've known this "Alex" but.. You have to understand. Things happen. Things you can't change. Things you can't fix. You have to accept that there is nothing you can do. Will you miss him? Yeah, but... Understand that you won't see him anymore, so just remember that good times. I understand you might not feel, 'whole' again, but you can at least move on." What she said after couldn't be more true. "What is broken, cannot be fixed. Only mended."
She couldn't have been more correct. That time I let my first legendary Pokemon card get thrown in the wash? I got another that served the same purpose, but it wasn't the first, so it wasn't quite right. That time my "Mew" Pokemon doll's tail was bitten off by the dog? ...Shut up, I liked Pokemon when I was little. Anyway, it was sewn on, but it still didn't look the same ever again. Long story short, Nadene was wise. Extremely so. I could only repay her one way. -Since she likely wouldn't accept thanks- I hugged her. I don't mean a sincere hug, bitch, I mean I glomped her. Okay, maybe not. If Google Images has taught me anything, it's to be self-conscious about everything I do. That, and the eye-doctor... and the dentist. So, I hugged her. Normally and such.
Wait...
What!?
Get your mind away from that shite! No! Bad audience! Bad! Not to make light of the current situation I was in, but she was soft! Ever hugged your cat? Ever hugged your friend? Combine those two and that's basically what happened. You hug something like that and I'm telling you, your first reaction will be, 'Hey, that's downy soft!' or something along those lines. Enough tangent. Nadene wasn't done blowing...
my mind.
Blowing my mind. You creeps. Anyway, after our long and meaningful 5 second hug, she stands up and says to me, "It's not the end of the world... man, you and that other guy."
"What other guy?" I asked, suddenly feeling as active as a lamp... don't get me wrong, after what I went through, that's a step in the right direction.
"There was this other cat... He umm.. lost his arm." She and I both visibly flinched. I mean, really, men need their arms. For man things. Like, fixing things. And football... Oh good god, what were you thinking? You know what, I'm not even going to try anymore. "Well," she continued, "He just... seemed saddened. I mean, it isn't like I don't know why."
"So what was his name?"
"Khajiit. Although, Ren said it was Jack. We called him Jack, it sounds nicer." Holy shnikes. Khajiit? As in, Skyrim, Khajiit!? Discord did say there were more humans scattered here and there. So yes... That's my conclusion. You... You can, uhh... stop reading this paragraph...
I was without a doubt too funny to be a coincidence. Mister Originality himself popped into this world and said, "I think I'll be original! No, in all legitimacy, I'm tempted to rename myself as an Equestrian citizen, "Human". All sarcasm aside, that guy was indeed a human. How did he get here? Discord said it took some time to pop in another dapper young fellow such as myself... minus the dapper/young part. So who did this? Speaking of popping, how many caps need to be placed in said deity's anus to convey the message that the act of placing us here is frowned upon.
I had a decision to make. Either make a left turn at Albuquerque and find this, "Khajiit/Jack" or stay here and live a peaceful village life. Like "Little Home on the Prairie" or whatever it was, but worse! Hmm... I choose to find the Skyrim dude. And then ask this "Ren" guy why he calls Khajiit, Jack. I have to do it behind Khajiit's back, because I just know the story will be funny as hell and would any victim to no end. Without further ado, I give to you... Jason, the douche! I'm going to leave as soon as I can and try to find this guy. Maybe we could team up or some shit. I need a decent teammate, anyway. Knowing me, I'd just be a dick and deter him from liking me. Oh well! "Nadene." I began.
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna go tomorrow. I don't know where. I'm going to try to find this, 'Khajiit' person." She was immediately distraught.
"What!- You haven't recuperated yet! And the forest-"
"Is nothing I can't handle now. I'll be okay. I was out cold for days and I just ate slash drank the food slash nectar of the gods." She giggled, which was good to hear. She still looked saddened. Was it because I declined hospitality? Because I didn't stay for long? Because she wanted to finish Angry Birds: Rio? I don't know, the point is, she didn't want me to leave tomorrow, but I had to. I was going to beat the living shit out of Scottie/Discord if it was the last thing I did, regardless of the consequences. Well, he was essentially invincible. How would I mana-...
Skyrim powers... DRAGONREND! He was, like, mostly dragon-something-or-other! Double holy schnikes! Well, things just got easier. Whether Dissy liked it or not, I was coming for him. I knew where he was, since Alex tells me eveything and then some. I was breaking that fucking stone prison, I was letting him out, I was causing a ruckus. Yeah, you heard me! A MUTHA FUZZIN' RUCKUS! I was KICKING his ass, and I WAS GOING HOME! That was my first decision. The first I made in Equestria.
I was so excited within my own mind, I forgot to blink and breathe among other bodily functions, to the point where when I stood up to be dramatic and speak my mind, I nearly fell over and was caught by Nadene. Bitch, let me fall! It's supposed to be the other way around! She just done screwed up my manliness-ometer. It's off the charts!
...
Going down! I looked up at her and she looked up at me. She got this look in her eyes. She looked into mine and I looked into hers. I leaned in and whispered, "Don't ever catch me again. I'll... uhh... I dunno, I'll tickle you, er something." She squeaked and dropped me. Oh yeah, I was using that as leverage one day. Well, it was getting dark, so time to pack it in. Right as I was about to plop down on my makeshift bed, Nadene's mom waltzed through the door with... Clothes? Fucking sexism. "Laundry fairy!" she announced, in a sing-song manner. "Mooo-oom!" Nadene moaned, "Stop doing that!" Her mom simply chuckled and crouched down to my level, "Well, I'm sorry they weren't here sooner, but this is something I made for you while you were asleep. Hope you don't feel too weirded out, sorry. I noticed you only had one set so... here you go!"
At least she admitted to being sorry. She set the clothing down and Nadene and I quickly fell asleep for the convenience of the end of this chapter and because being depressed is exhausting work... No worries, depressed people just lay in bed all day... But I have somewhere to be. Wherever Mangojack might be.
(Author's Notes: Yet another chapter written in the AM. Please correct me if I spell something incorrectly.)
(AN: It's been over a month, what have I been doing!? Oh yeah... procrastination. I feel bad now... Oh well, here's your dose of my... whatever kind of stuff this is! I also edited the ending of last chapter. Have a great day/night!)
My night was restless. I eventually fell asleep, but I wish I had sooner. Staying awake give you time to think about screwy things that could go awry on long trips. Go thing I'm not going on any long tri- OH WAIT. Sighing inwardly and glancing around for a clock, I slapped myself on the forehead for assuming there would be a clock. I was always insecure about reading analog clocks for whatever reason, so I always look at dressers for a digital clock. Gee, think I could involve the word clock any-clock more times clock? I don't clock think so clock. The smell of vanilla was faint as I recognized anti-mosquito candles. Ah, thank whatever god may be up there.
Know what? Just for laughs, I'm gonna make my own god in this world. A god humans worship. Le gasp! Should I spread the good word of the lord? ... Man, I can't say that with a straight face. I sound like a mix between Mormon and Christian. No offense to any... Mormons or... whatever. The point is, I will make a god. From henceforth, my god is the all-holy:
Marshtak
Pootis
Dinkleberg
Grebelknid
Jason Voorhees
Hingadingadergin
Leaf Erikson
Spongebob
This is dumb
Kill me
Jesus
Cancer
Derp
Damnit, this is impossible! That awkward moment when your aren't sure if you should use "Celestia" instead. Eh, why the hell not? With a dead phone, dead hopes and dreams fresh in my mind, and the idea of using Celestia as a god flopping around in my brain like a dying fish trying to find water, I went to sleep. For those of you wondering why I used such a stupid analogy, it's because now that I've made my decision, I need some reasoning behind it, something to keep it going. I dunno, maybe I'm being stupid.
I woke up to someone poking me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw a giant blob in front of me. Before I could think to run away, it asked if I was okay. Oh wait a minute, my vision was just terrible for a moment. It was Alex. I was laying there, in the sand, a tad damp from the wet sand. "What the-?" I asked, before being cut off by a hand. "Shut up." Alex said, rudely, then removed his hand and wiping it on his jeans, "You were out for a decent 5 minutes. I asked if you would be okay with me being gone. You liar."
"Hey man, good to see you. it's been years! How was college?" I asked sarcastically.
"I forgot my car keys. You have them."
"But I don't even..." I looked at my hand and saw two keys. One for Alex's dorm room (They shipped the key.) and the other for his car. "Dude, you never let anyone touch your keys. How could I... You had your keys when you left!"
"I know," he replied, ever-so-cryptically, "which is why you need to wake up."
I bolted from the covers and sat upright. "Damnit..." I cursed in a low whisper, "That would have been nice." Dreaming was never a problem, but last night it was. I looked over to the window. it looked to be around midday. Strange how it didn't bother me last night that that thing was wide open the whole night. Usually, I'm paranoid over things like that. I feel like someone's going to peep in and take a flattering look at my non-existent six-pack. Maybe it comes with the deal of being here. No paranoia? I could get used to that. I frowned with moderate subtlety. Why did this have to happen? ... Oh, you mean the whole, "Equestria" thing? No, I'm over that kind of. Now, I was looking at my phone, so... I mean my phone. Why did it have to die? I have the perfect departing song. I went into the bathroom and put on my new clothing. They fit perfectly and smell like power.
...
(OLD SPICE BODY WASH MAKES YA SMELL LIKE POWAAAAAAAA! IT'S SO POWERFUL, IT SELLS ITSELF IN OTHER PEOPLE'S STORIES.)
Get out, Old Spice. Seriously though, I liked it. Talk about true hospitality. As I strutted out, looking like quite the boss, I encountered a wild Nadene in her natural house-bitat. Ironically enough, she was in the kitchen. "Hello, everyone." I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
"Oh my, that's right, you're leaving today! Better make you something to eat." I didn't protest, because I was pretty hungry, to be honest. I wondered how Nadene's mom knew about all of this and then BOOM! I came to a shocking realization! Nadene is the only other person... cat... thing... in the room with me! I know, I'm a smart son of a bitch, right? So, I walk over and sit down next to her. "Hey," I whisper, "So I heard you're telling people things about me behind my back." She fake pouted and went back to munching on what looked like a juicy fruit. "Hey again," I asked, a tad louder, since I wasn't being a random arse anymore, "Whazzat?"
"Oh, this?" she pointed to the fruit. "Ish a mangoh." She said through half a mouth of mango. "You've gotta have 'em wherever you're from, right?"
"Yeah, of course," I lied honestly, "but no, I don't." Then she gave the most appropriate answer.
"What."
"I have them on the planet, but not from the vicinity in which I live."
"Oh, okay then." She resumed eating her mango. Shortly after, Nadene's mom brought over a plate of eggs and fruit. With some kind of juice. "Um, may I ask what kind of juice this is?"
"Oh, yes, that's pineapple juice! I hope you like it!"
"YES. I adore this liquid."
And then I chugged.
I'm not going to lie, because lying is hard for me to do an-... What am I saying? Lying's easy as hell for me! Still, I won't do it when I say... Nadene's dad could cook this twice as well. Sorry, but the truth hurts. I'd never say that out loud, but I mean it. Despite it being made by anyone other than the god food maker, it was simply exquisite... Divine? Dandy? How about good? Is that simple enough to maintain the appearance of me that I've built up to make it seem like I'm an idiot? Good. It tasted good. That will totally work. After finishing the meal, I went to back to Nadene's room to gather my things. Not very many things, mind you, but things nonetheless. This consisted of a dead phone, a worn shirt and pair of jeans, and a bundle of non-worn clothing in a backpack.
After collecting my aforementioned possessions, I trudged out and into the kitchen. Nadene was there with her mother and father. "Well," I said, carrying my backpack and plopping it down beside myself, "I should be going soon. I don't want to lose too much daylight." Her ears flicked up for a second and then flicked down, "Oh... right then," she began sadly, "I guess you're right."
"Hey now, don't be sad, please. As much of a jerk as I am, I hate it when people are sad." This got her to do her famous and/or trademarked giggle. I don't think you can trademark a giggle, but if it's possible, it has to be done for her. "I dunno," I continued, "maybe we will meet up somewhere."
"Heh. Maybe... maybe."
I stood up and turned towards the window. I inhaled sharply through my nose and held the air for a moment in my lungs before finally exhaling. Turning back around, I looked at Nadene's parents. Following her father's eyes, I saw he was looking at me. I guess he looks for sounds, if that makes sense. Following her mother's eyes, I caught Nadene in my peripheral vision, looking at me dreamily. Whipping my head around to catch the culprit in the act, she quickly glanced away. "I uh..." I raised my eyebrow, waiting for an explanation. "You umm.." Still waiting. "You smelled..." I put my eyebrow down and gave that looked of, 'Seriously?'. "Unique." And there goes my eyebrow. Well, both, actually. They skyrocketed, to be frank. Even though I'm not Frank... I'm Jason. Yes.
It was then that I realized that cat chick over here along with the majority of her people rely on smell quite a bit. Who knows? I'm not one of them, and I won't just RANDOMLY ask something about their entire race. Oh well, best to let bygones be bygones. I really don't care that much anyway and it just seems like one of those questions where the other person looks at you and goes, "Dafuq man, seriously?"
Dismissing it as nothing, I turned back to Nadene's parent's I gave a quick thank you. Not the kind that practically screams "Kthxbye" but rather says, "I'm in a hurry, but thanks a bunch." Why? I gotta at least make the adults think I'm nice. Wouldn't wanna on their bad side. They're parents, and when I was young, I hated that.... that, como se dice... "Disappointed" look. Nadene's parents said that if I ever returned to the village, I would be welcome any time. That was a nice thing to say. Something tells me, however, that they don't have too much faith in me being able to traverse these areas. That lack of faith makes me frowny face. Meh, like a give a flying damn.
Thanking Nadene's family again, I began to walk towards the door. Then I remembered I forgot something. Sound complicated? Good! I turned around again and grabbed my new backpack. Nuh nuh nuh nuuuuuh! You got a bag! Sorry, that's hard to read in text. It was supposed to be the Legend of Zelda theme when you open a chest.
...
Ahem...
I turned around (Gee, think I've written that enough!?) and walked happily to the door, whistling the chorus to one of my favorite songs. As I whalkled... that's... that is... whistled mixed with... walked. I'm sorry, I'm stupid by nature. As I did those things in combination, Nadene led me to the door and we walked outside together. I finally got my first look of the village from outside. Gorgeous. Not the village itself, because it looked like a moderately larger version of Riverwood... Peace to mah Skyrim fans! So I continued to whistle, which had really turned into more of a hum, piquing the interest of Nadene. "What's that you're humming?" She asked,
"Oh, a song from like... thirty years ago on my planet. Called, 'Kyrie'."
"Oh cool! How does it go?"
"Uh, wow... Jeez. I haven't sung in a while."
"I'm sure it isn't that bad. Give it a try." Well, fine then! Myeh! Thinking of every scenario where I fail miserably and then taping each mental scenario to a mental chair and mentally shooting it's mental out, a began to clear my throat, readying myself. I took a seat on a bench not too far and began quietly.
"Kyyyyrie Eleison...
Kyyyyrie Eleison...
Kyyyyrieeee....
The wind blows hard against this mountain side...
Across the sea, into my soul...
It reaches in to where I cannot hide...
Setting my feet upon the road...
My heart is young, it holds my memories...
My body burns a gem-like flame!
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine...
Is where I find myself again!
Kyrie Eleison, down the road that I must travel!
Kyrie Eleison, through the darkness of the night!
Kyrie Eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie Eleison, through a highway in the light!
When I was young, I thought of growing old,
Of what my life would mean to me!
Would I have followed down my chosen road,
Or only wished what I could be!
Kyrie Eleison, down the road that I must travel!
Kyrie Eleison, through the darkness of the night!
Kyrie Eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie Eleison, through a highway in the light!
Ohh ohh ohhhh...
Ohh ohh ohhhh...!
Ohh ohh ohhhh...
Ohh ohh ohhhh...!"
As I started to sing the next chorus set, and last part of the song, Nadene surprised me by singing along!
"Kyrie Eleison, down the road that I must travel!
Kyrie Eleison, throught the darkness of the night!
Kyrie Eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie Eleison, through a highway in the light!
Kyrie Eleison, down the road that I must travel!
Kyrie Eleison, throught the darkness of the night!
Kyrie Eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie Eleison, through a highway in the light!
Kyrie Eleison, down the road that I must travel!
Kyrie Eleison, throught the darkness of the night!
Kyrie Eleison, where I'm going, will you follow?
Kyrie Eleison, through a highway in the light!"
We left out the last line because I forgot. Also, Nadene has a good sense of rhythm! She stopped right when I stopped! An awkward silence quickly encased the area, but Nadene took a hammer to it. "Wow..." She began, "You're good at that... Singing, I mean."
"Uhh... Thanks. You weren't half bad either."
"So. What does, 'Kyrie Eleison' mean?"
"Well, it was taken from an ancient language called Greek. You see, in Greek, 'Kyrie Elesion' meant, "Lord have mercy."
"Oh, okay... Who's 'lord'?"
"Well, I don't want to get too into it, but think of it like this. You know that pony princess, Princess Celestia, right?" She nodded, signaling for me to continue, "Imagine if there were great tales about her, but there was no actual proof that existed. However, nevertheless, millions of people believe that she still existed and still could do amazing things."
"Alright, alright... Seems interesting enough. My question for you is, how did you know who Princess Celestia is?" Oh shit, she was right. Time to think fast.
"Magic." And then I snorted twice. Hells yeah, Mister Bean! "No, in all seriousness, I don't think I want to tell you. Maybe one day if we ever met again. Say, one last thing."
"Of course. What is it?"
"Where's the nearest city?"
"Well, you could always go to Stalliongrad. It's the nearest city I know of, although it's a pony inhabited place. From what I hear, it's pretty discriminatory. It's in that direction." She pointed to the trees on a certain side of the village. "Oh! Wait a minute! I'll be right back!" Nadene quickly jumped up and ran into the house. I looked back to the direction she pointed in, aaaand perfect! It's right where the sun would set. Hope she's right. I'm really in the dark otherwise. Nadene came running back out with.. a canteen! Oh wow! How nice. "Here," she said, handing it to me, "This is for you."
"No, really? I thought it was for my uncle!" I replied sarcastically. Which -mother effin' gasp- made her giggle. "Dang it, stop being so adorable. Makes it harder to leave." I took off my backpack and put the canteen away, before putting my hand on her shoulder. "Thanks again, Nadene. I'm really grateful to you and your family." I tapped said hand on said shoulder and with that, stood up and looked to the sky. It was about 3pm, from the looks of it. Not too much time to get going. God, I hoped I could find that river again. Maybe I'd find the remnants of my face-period. I sighed out loud at that thought. Fucking thu'um... Then, I slowly began to walk away. "Tell your parents I said 'thanks' again! Goodbye!"
Then she surprised me again, "Kyrie Eleison on the road the you must follow, Jason!" I chuckled quietly and shook my head, thinking to myself. 'Silly cat girl... I really hope I meet up with her again.' I raised my hand and waved goodbye before disappearing into the forest line, clad with trees and brush. Once I feel I'm far enough out, I start quietly muttering to myself. "Well... This is where things pick up for me. Nay, this-! Is just the beginning.
After walking for Celestia knows how long, I heard the sound of rushing water. "Fuckin' wha? No way!" I race through the wild plants and sprint to where I find a river! I dip my hands in to rinse them off and when I pull them out, I smell them. They don't smell salty! That must mean that this is drinkable water! Cupping my hands and placing them into the water, I take a sip to see if my theory is correct. If I had a red hat, I would wear it, because I took out my phone and looked at it, all the while making a fist and chanting, "Yes! ...Yes!" To add epic to something that was indeed already epic, the river was flowing in the direction of where I needed to go, albeit drifting a bit to the right. I decided that it was okay and well worth that sharp left turn I would inevitably take. Yeah... this was quite the beginning.
(AN: Hello once more, if you see any spelling errors, grammar errors, or whatnot, please message me and let me know. Or just comment. I type very fast, and it annoys me when I screw up. Thanks a bunch, and I hope this was worth the weight.
Get it? Gaben? Aww, forget it.)
I was making good time, and it seemed to me that I wouldn't to take such a sharp left turn, seeing as this river curved and meandered left and right. I hoped I didn't have to turn, anyway. Oh well, best not to dawdle on minute things like that. Yeah, ya like that? I got that off of Xbox Live. I raged over a tactical nuke and some jackass told me to calm my pits. Then some British guy told me not to dawdle over... you get it. Then I ragequit. Nevertheless, that lesson stuck has with me since then. As in... the month leading up to the disaster. Whoo-hoo...
I had just refreshed myself with some water, (Which didn't taste as chemically altered as Earth's. (Because it CAN on occasion.)) when I felt a pang in my stomach. It took a while, but it occurred to me that it was *gasp* hunger pains! Dammit, do I even have food? No. Are there food trees nearby? Probably not. Okay Jason, calm down. You've navigated plenty of forests... on Minecraft. You can navigate this one. I walked out, away from the river, to try to find food. I wasn't sure if I had the heart to kill an animal, and sure as hell didn't have the know-how to cook one, so I decided to stick to fruits and berries and the works. Lucky me, I came up on some mangoes. Oh, thank you Lord! Er, wait. Celestia... That's so going to take some getting used to.
Also, I found berries. Fruits and berries? Check-a-lecka-ding dong. Hold up, though. I don't know if these berries are deadly or not. Now, naturally, a normal person would toss 'em back and stick to JUST mangoes. Thing is, I'm not normal. I'm part idiot. About 20% full-blown idiot. So my first thoughts were, 'Okay, I'll eat half of one now, and if I'm not dead in a half hour, I'll eat the other half and wait another half hour. If I'm not dead by then, I'll take a bunch with me.' I'm clearly not the brightest being ever. A part of my brain said, 'What the hell do you think you're doing? But was quickly silenced by the other majority of my brain as I swallowed the half of the berry. I marched over to the side of the river bank with a few mangoes in my backpack and a belly full of about two of them. I laid down and tried to get some sleep. It never crossed my mind that there would be some serious shit in these woods.
A small while later, I was woken up to the sensation of being dragged on the ground. And that of laying on rope. Was I in a net? I opened my eyes and looked around. I was right. Two dog-like creatures were dragging me none-too-carefully through the woods. At first, I was scared, then I was angry, then I was worried. Where's the river? What if a can't find fresh water? Then I remembered my new abilities. 'I'll beat it out of them later.' I thought. But first, "Hey, fleabag! Oof!" A kick to the side was its response. "Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"Looks like you were right. It talk. I pay you when back at den." He muttered in broken English. "Listen, creature!" It snarled at me, "You are coming with us to mines. You work there good? You live." I was free labor? I was a slave? I'm nary too happy with that idea. So I responded the same way that the internet would have. "Umm, how about no?" A paw came down on me. On my head this time. Damnit, this hurt... Okay, not really too much- But THAT'S what worried me! Why didn't this cause me to clutch my head? Did they drug me? Was this a power? Let's see... Shock, How to Train Your Dragon, and Skyrim. Shock meant I could beat their asses up, H.T.T.Y.D. meant I could talk to dragons. Skyrim meant I had the voice, but what else happened in Skyrim? I remember in EVERY fighting fantasy game, you always... take... minuscule damage. Oh, hell yeah. "Fine. I'll go. What happens, and when can I get outta the damn net?" I asked, malice lacing my voice. The retarded creature didn't notice, and spoke with what I could clearly tell was false authority. "We meet with other dogs, bind you, march you to compound. Then you mine. Simple."
Yes, indeed. Sounded like they were going to let me free of the net to bind me. Lazy fuckers just didn't wanna haul me over at this point, I suppose....
No. I am not fat, thank you very much.
For a decent half hour I was dragged through the forest. At least I knew they were dogs now... and at least I knew that those berries weren't poisonous. That made me feel so much better! Wait... Where's my backpack? I looked up to see... one of those dogs wearing it. "Hey!" I shouted, drawing his attention, "Gimme my backpack back."
"Hahahahahaha!" He laughed, "Silly creature! This is mine now. Plus, mangoes look fresh. And tasty. I keep." That does it. He's gonna hurt. Finally, we popped out of the random parts of the forest and onto a dirt path. We were at a fork in the road, except we were coming from one of the paths that split the road. Once we were able to see the other path, I spotted two more dogs dragging something with feathers inside another net. The hell was that? As I got closer, I saw that it had a beak and the whole midsection leading to its back legs was coated in fur. I silently chuckled to myself, 'Oh damn, I forgot, this place has griffins.' "Good catch, Fenton. Boss will be happy. We eat good tonight." A couldn't help laugh. Thank Celestia it went by undetected, otherwise I'd be kicked again and lose 5 health. Heheh... His name was Fenton! I immediately thought back to that RayWilliamJohnson episode with the dog named Fenton...
'He's Fenton!' 'The sheep had to die! Hoohoohuhuh!'
The griffin's eyes widened as it saw me... I'm.. I'm gonna call it a she. She doesn't quite look like a guy. She then looked away from me and up at the dogs... mine in specific. I looked up too. One had a vial in his hand. If I've ever seen a cheap trick, this was one. Knockout gas. The cheapest of the cheap. It was a small vial. Probably so they could wake us up right after we were tied. No sir. I quietly held my breath and tensed up. They just had to buy this... The griffin began to rapidly claw at the net, trying to break it. Try as she might, she couldn't escape. The vial hit the ground and a green gas spread around us. I slowly exhaled to prevent it from going in my nose, but collapsed to fake them out. I kept my eye open a smidgen to look at the griffin. She wobbled and faltered before collapsing. The dogs huffed in success. "Good," he started, waving a hand/paw around to clear up the gas, "Get them out and tie up." I inhaled and exhaled evenly, pretending to sleep as I let the dogs take me out of the net.
I have to give them credit. They aren't nearly as retarded as I thought! They figured out I was bipedal. Seeing as my arms are shorter than my legs, that deduction must have taken a whopping 20 IQ! I applaud them. They slumped me against a tree and I watched in amazement as they knew exactly how to tie up the griffin. They had obviously done this many times. I don't like them now. I really don't like them now. They bound her wings and put makeshift mittens on her hand/claw/talon/things and her paws. Then they moved to me. Only one of them, though. I think he went to investigate. He turned back with the shocking revelation that I was bipedal, (As I said before.) and went back to his diabolically inefficient buddies. This was my chance. I got up as they finished tying the griffin up and backed up into the brush.
I watched as they looked for me. Like I said, inefficient. They looked up, in the trees and around the dirt road. Then, much to my relief, they gave up and woke the griffin up, to begin her trek the rest of the way to their lair. I watched with a heavy heart as they slowly trudged away. I looked at the griffin's face which was slightly lowered and saw tears brimming in her eyes. She knew what was happening. This was clearly a big problem in Equestria. Or, at least, around these parts. Time to play a part. It's called assassin. I stalked behind them, a little ways back, hoping they didn't see me. They didn't ever turn around. They didn't ever look for me after that. They were too stupid. But one of the things that I hate the most.
Bad grammar.
Darn tootin'. As I walked, I planned. I found a rock, and decided what to do. I got close enough to throw the rock and did so right into the shrubs beside them. They stopped and looked over to where I threw the rock. "You two stay. We look. Come, Killer, we go." The one called 'Killer' nodded and went of into the wild brush. When I felt they were far enough away, I began to stalk. I waited in silence. Now the dogs were being "efficient". They were gone for quite some time. One dog fell asleep, while the other leaned against a tree. Silently and slowly, I crept up on the dog that was leaning against the tree. I looked him over from the back for just a second. He had another vial of sleeping gas and a knife.
Time to pull a Far Cry 3. I went up behind him, worrying what I was going to do was cruel. Then I realized that this innocent griffin would likely die from mistreatment in the mines if I didn't. And I almost did, too. Whoops, there goes the guilt, out the window. I quickly pulled the knife from his holster and put a hand over his mouth. In one swift motion a had taken the knife and plunged it into his throat. He struggled for a second or two before falling limp. I gently put down his body. I was depressed for about 5 seconds before thinking, 'Enough moping!' I had to take down this last mutt. Looking back to the dog I killed, I remembered he had a sleeping potion thing. I grabbed it off of him and tossed it over to the dog that was asleep. Unfortunately, the gas spread to the griffin, so I would have to drag her out of here. Hope she ain't heavy. After all, I'm not the strongest guy ever. And by that, I mean I'm weak as hell.
As if on cue, the other two dogs came back from their search to find one of their guys dead and one sleeping in gas. They didn't know it at this point, though. "Fuck." I muttered quietly. I actually think it was Fenton that I knocked out. They tried to wake Fenton up, to no avail. Then they walked over to the dog who I killed. I slowly backed up because I was close to him, I hope they didn't smell me. They put a hand to his chest to wake him up. The dog that did so immediately recoiled and looked at his hand. I heard, "He's here. Search." Dammit. They were scanning and searching the shrubs on the opposite side of the trail, but were looking away from me. I took this chance to look for a hiding spot. I looked up and realized that the tree I was under was covered in more leaves. I quietly and slowly climbed, thinking about what the hell I was supposed to do.
They were coming my way, and I had to think fast. I found a sturdy branch to walk on and waited. He turned. Faced me. Didn't look up. I ran.
He didn't see me until I was in front of his face, plunging the knife into his chest. He friend spun around to the sight of me killing his pack mate. "You! Yes you! You are dead!" I resisted the urge to laugh at his unintentional TF2 reference as I readied myself for battle. He ran at me with his arms outstretched, intent on swiping at me with claws, no doubt. I ducked as an arm flew over my head. I noticed he was ready to punch me in the head, so I popped up, pushed his swiping hand away, grabbed the punch that was now at gut level and spun him around. A pushed him into a tree and held my knife to his neck. I recognized him as the one who kept kicking me in the net. I spoke with pure hate in my voice,
"Where's the river? The one you found me at?"
"I not telling you! You are but a creature! Diamond dog not answer to creature!" I elbowed his head against the tree and he howled in pain before stuttering out, "T-to your le-left. Don't kill m-me." I punched him in the back and let him bend backwards, then I plunged the knife into his chest. Despite his behavior and vocal control, when he looked at me, before he died, he had a kind of anger written on his face. I dropped him and went over to the griffin. She hadn't woken up yet, fuck. I picked up the tied part of the net, that- ... It just occurred to me that to make a net, you literally tie the whole thing. I picked up a part that was tied specifically for carrying and started to pull. Now I know why those "diamond dogs" wanted us to walk. This bitch is heavy!
After a while, I made it to the river. There, I was able to wash the blood of me and talk to myself reassuringly. The reassuring part didn't last long, though. After all, I WAS talking to myself. That's never good. Then again, I'm never good. Aha, also, something you should know that I'm happy about. I got backpack back. Fuck yeah. Wait, why'd I say it like a name? "Backpack"? No, I ain't Dora. I munched on some mangoes and berries. This shit was off the heezee. Off the hook? No? No ghetto? Okay, then. Finally, the griffin started to stir. Of course, I had undone the net ropes with my trusty knife who I was now naming 'Sir Stabsalot'. She woke up with a yawn and a shudder and looked around. Naturally, this was interesting so I had already walked over and crouched beside her, "Yo griffin! ... You alright?" She slowly opened her eyes and...
Well, I was right. It's a girl. How do I know? SHE SCREAMED IN MY FACE AND KICKED ME 5 FEET IN THE AIR. But no biggie. Worst thing? I lose 5 more health. "Holy shit!" I exclaimed as I hit the floor. She quickly got up and pounced on me. "What the hell are you and what did you do to me?" I shoved her off and got up, getting some space between us. I drew Sir Stabsalot in preparation for battle and wittingly replied, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die. Relax! I'm kidding. I'm Jason, and I just saved your ass from slavers." I smirked and continued, "Nice to make your acquaintanceship."
(AN: Hope ya like DIALOGUE!)
"The hell are you?" She screamed.
"Well, that's not a very nice way to talk to that guy who saved your sorry ass. Speaking of sorry asses, be sorry. You just knocked me flat on mine."
"Sorry, I don't usually wake up to hovering creatures above my face."
"Touche. Sorry about that bit. But look! Water! Food! Things! No diamond dog things! Happiness?" She didn't even acknowledge me! She just looked around, slowly getting more and more worried looking. "Where are we?" She asked, sounding scared. "Oh look here everyone, a normal question. Well, according to the map I don't have... We're on a planet." Damn, I'm sarcastic. "So," I began, acting so blasé it wasn't even funny, bro. Serious time, go! "What's your name? I showed you mine, you show me yours. Despite her nervousness and apprehensive behavior, she chuckled at that. "I'm... Kathena..."
"Kathena... Interesting. Well, nice to meet you!" I walked over to her, arm extended down a bit, for her to grab onto. She, thankfully, understood the gesture and vice gripped my hand like a bear trap. "Owowowowowow- shake; don't crush." She laughed and let go, "Nah, I think I'll stick to crushing."
"I'm never shaking... hands... talons... appendages with you ever again. I hope you know that now."
"Well, duh, you just said it. 'Course I know it."
"Damnit, being a smart ass is my job. Shoosh your face hole!" Well, it was conversationally easy to talk to her, so that was a plus. "So, where are you headed?" She suddenly became very interested in everything but my face. "What's the problem?" I asked; the man in me not noticing the fact that this was an uncomfortable subject for her. Nevertheless, she confessed her situation.
"It was a few months ago. My family was to keep track of the jewels collected every day. Some days we had so much work to do, and some we practically had none. Around the time of my "problem", we had a streak of low work. The gems weren't coming in at a fast rate. Rather than blame the importers, shippers, or what have you, they blamed us. They claimed we stole their stupid fucking gems. WHAT THE HELL would we do with those!?" She rose up on her back legs, and was almost as tall as me. I backed up a tad, but she didn't take notice. She kept screaming. "Now, because Diamond Dogs are absolutely fucking stupid, they killed my parents first before searching. After they didn't find anything, they tried to bag me- make me work. So... I ran." She slumped back down to all fours and looked at the ground. "I really didn't think about it until now, but... I miss them. When I'm not trying to run, I'm trying to find food or hide. I never think too much about them.
Her voice was cracking, and she was speaking more and more softly. Well... I'm sad now. I'm sad because I hate it when fluffy things are sad. And, like it or not, she was fluffy. Fluffy plus sad makes adorable. Because maths. So, I thought of something to say. "I'm... sorry. I know ho-"
"How!? You don't know what I went through! You have no clue what it feels like! What it feels like to have your home stripped from you! To be alone! So why be sorry? Just leave me alone..." She was screaming through shameless tears. Celestia help me, I'm going to be shredded by razor fingers for what Imma do, aren't I?
I am a nice pasty white colored cracka'. Don't you dare say a damn thing different! I walked over to her and gave her a big, fat bear hug! Look, I really hate seeing sad things. Have you ever seen a sad cat? Not from Shrek, a real one. That's like what it was, but add feathers and a beak. And, you know... the ability to talk. Nothing big. She pushed away, but it didn't seem like she was trying to too much. I think she secretly wanted one of these all along. Well, too bad, this looks weird. I let her go and stared at her sternly, "Now, be quiet and turn off these waterfalls." I pointed to her eyes. "I'm not of this world. I was ripped from my reality to plop into this world by the spirit of chaos, from what I know. First thing I did was run away from a jungle cat. I had family too. They're probably freaking out right now. I don't know where exactly I am, or what direction to go in specific, but I'm heading to Stalliongrad if I can. You're more than welcome to tag along, seeing as you don't wanna be alone now, do you?" She frantically shook her head, "Good. Now... I was Jewish at one point so, jeez, you gotta get some meat on those bones! When was the last time yeh ate?"
"Um... Couple days ago. And what's Jewish?"
"Come, have some mangoes, we'll play some pisha paysha."
"But I-"
"Listen to yehr Uncle Jason, would yeh?" I sat cross-legged on the ground and tossed her a mango from my bag. She caught it clumsily and sat down by me. It was late in the afternoon. We sat in silence for a minute, before she asked a question that I honestly was waiting for. Not, 'Ask the question, I wanna answer! NOW!' kind of waiting, but, 'Meh... I could answer this way or that... I expect a query on the topic.' so... at least I was calm. The question was, "How was your world? What was it like?"
"Well... I lived in an area... kind of similar to Equestria," she rolled her eyes at me, drawing a strangle glance from me, but I continued, "It's called the United States of America. Very large continent, and 50 states making up the inside. A big thing about America is that it provides freedom. Heh, ya can't kill, per say, but you can do many other things. We have technology. Cars, for instance. Think of carriages that pull themselves. We can watch others of my kind on the internet... which is... it's something horrendous which I'll explain later... Buildings that hit the sky, bridges longer that some cities, etc... Her mouth was open, like a dramatic jaw drop. "Really though, it sucks. I'll explain another day."
"Well then... Nice planet, sounds like... something good. So, Stalliongrad?"
"Stalliongrad."
"Let's head out when we're done here. Okay?"
"Okay..."
"So. About Jewish 'n stuff..."
"Oh good God." Fucking religion. Religion everywhere.
We had been marching about for a few hours. It was almost pitch black outside; the only light available was the moon. It was brighter than Earth, but still, I wasn't used to not having light from a city not far off. The only reason we were walking now is because we were collecting firewood for a cave we found. It was shallow, empty, dry, uphill, and best of all, no creepers or cave spiders spawned it! ... I know... I'm sad inside. At this point, I'm exhausted and all the hums from my mental music library known as my thoughts have been depleted. "What... are you doing?" She asked me slowly
"Humming! Problem?" I asked mischievously. "Did you want to hear more of my pretty vocal chords?" I put on a troll face as best I could and stopped walking, just staring. She seemed unnerved beyond compare.
"Don't ever do that again." She stuttered. I dunno, it was funny, I guess. I laughed a bit and kept walking.
So yes...That was the whole highlight of the walk.
We were eating more mangoes and berries as we laid down on the grass, a couple feet apart. I looked up at the stars. It was awesome, really. They seemed to be placed in just the right aesthetically pleasing manner. "Are the stars always like this? It's... interesting."
"As annoying as the ponies are... their princess of the night... good job on her part."
"Annoying? What?"
"Maybe... I'll explain it one day. The same day you tell me more about your planet." Oh, well then. I was about to retort something stupid no doubt, when she continued, "Say, what was your favorite thing to do on your old planet?"
"VIDEO GAMES. Kathena plees."
"Plees? Video games? Umm... forget I asked."
"Plees. P-L-S. Plees. It means 'please'. And video games? Like moving pictures that you control. Epic stuff. Games like, shootin' people up with guns. Ehh... Machines that fire metal pellets to kill people. Games like Sonic where you run fast as fuck to get to the goal for whatever reason. Games like Portal where you solve puzzles with portals in walls. It's great. Thousands of 'em exist."
"Damnit, I wanna visit your world."
"Sorry. Looks I bought a one way ticket for one. Cry some more."
"I'll make you cry some more." Wow, childish much? DAT'S SUPAR HOMO! Oh I... I thought we were talking about this generation's children. My apologies.
"Eh. Probably." She laughed a bit. Sad, really, because it's true. I wasn't kidding. I can't take a hit at all. Apparently I can deal them though. Kathena yawned and got up, making her way over to me. She lifted my top half so I was sitting, and sat down next to me. "So..." She began, "How did you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Get me outta there. How did you do it? I remember one minute, you were in a net, they tossed a vial, I..." she shuddered, "was out like a light, and... You were gone. Then I wake up, walk, fall asleep, wake up again, kick your ass- Rather, kick you ONTO your ass," She barely suppressed a giggle, and- OH C'MON! I could shout her higher than that! "Then, we walk. That's it. That's my day."
"Well, let's see. I wasn't happy with those dogs taking us, so I hatched a plan. I would break out and run for it. Then I saw you. It made me angry to see that this was so widespread. Tell me. Did you panic, when they flung the vial down?"
"Well... you see... yes..."
"I was calm as a potato. Potatoes are calm, right? I pretended to be knocked out, falling over, and when they weren't looking, got away. So then, I stalk them, with you. I tossed a rock to get their attention away from you. The two dogs left and I stabbed one of the ones protecting you in the throat with his own knife..." I pulled out Sir Stabsalot, "Then threw a sleeping vial onto the other. It spread to you, so... sorry about that. Then the others came back so I jumped off a tree onto one, stabbing it, and fought off another with expert ass-kickery, and saved the damsel in distress. Call me your knight in shining armor, and I will leave you right here."
That last sentence seemed to make her really sad, so I had to reassure her I wasn't going anywhere. Jesus, talk about separation anxiety! "Hey... Don't worry. I ain't leaving you here. That be straight up cray cray, fo' rizzle."
"Heheheh- What!?" She said, suddenly in a fit of chuckles. "Nono, you know what? Don't answer. That's what makes you interesting. I ended up with a badass mental institution escapee. Great."
"Hey! I take little-to-no offence to that!" She just laughed at me, which was fine, because it gave me plenty of time to flip the bird. She got up and trotted off to the cave, the fire in it still burning strong... That sounded like a retarded line from a 70's song. She called back, "I'm hittin' the hay! Don't have me wake up to you on top of me again!" Ooh, trying to embarrass me? I can play that game.
"Is that my challenge for tomorrow?" She paused, stared at me, and nearly ran for her life. Or virginit-aaahhhI'm not gonna go there.
I woke up around 8pm, considering the height of the sun and the warmth of the air. Good day, it was. Not a cloud in the- KRA-KOOOOM God damnit. Thunder, y u no let me finish!? Jesus, when did thunder turn into Kanye West? *buh dum tssh* I- I'm sorry, I'll go sit in the corner. Seriously, though, I turned around and saw the biggest cloud ever. It was just under the size of a hurricane. Which brings me to another point. Why do they name hurricanes? Shouldn't they all be: Hurricane 'Fuck it, I'm hitting Florida again'? Oh well, it was big.
I was also trying not to laugh because when the thunder hit I heard a thump and an "Oww!" and I found Kathena holding her head. She obviously jumped and hit it. I gave her the universal, "Good job!" sign that requires thumbs, and she got up, walking towards me. "Do that again, I'll break those off."
"Shut up and look what we're walking through today."
Her jaw hit the ground. "On the bright side," I smiled and started, "At least I completed my challenge for the day! Now stay here!" I ran into the cave and grabbed my bag. As I ran out and approached her, I yelled, "Kat! Grab my hand!" She hesitantly took it and I pulled us forward, whilst shouting, "ADVENTURE!" She flew beside me as we tried to cover as much ground as possible during the calm before the storm.
(Bonus AN: Another chapter written after 12am and before 3am. I typed stupidly, so please tell if I effed up.)