Chapter One: How I Got to Equestria
It was a regular day on Earth. I was just chilling in my bedroom playing some video games. I went to the fridge to get some apple juice, but as soon as I started pouring my juice, a huge earthquake started out of nowhere. "WHAT THE HELL? " I yelled to myself, wondering what was going on. I dashed outside to see a HUGE purple-and-green swirl of portal just spinning like mad. It was causing an earthquake and fierce gales, but it wasn't inhaling anything or something of the sort. My neighbors drove out the opposite way from the whirlpool of oddness and were never seen again. I, on the other hand, went closer to see the massive thing. It was astonishing. I was already wondering how in the universe did something like this even exists. As I got closer, my right lens of my glasses cracked slightly. The mighty wind became more beast-like, and started slowly bringing humans closer to the portal. Everything else such as the leaves of trees, somehow weren't moving a bit. How peculiar, I thought to myself. I was not too interested by the monstrosity sucking me in slowly, but how everything was reacting. I was moving slowly away from the portal to see everything. By the time I had examined everything the hurricane increased greatly in speed and about a half-hour went by. I decided to go into the portal, and ran into it. I was in, and had no idea how much of a surprise I was in for.
Inside the portal was your typical "multicolor swirl of crazy". Like on those TV shows that depicted going through wormholes as floating freely throughout the thing, yet going further into the hole to get to wherever the thing led you to, I was drifting further into the portal, wondering about many things, like
How did this portal become real?
Where am I going?
Am I gonna be able to come back home?
After about 5 minutes, I reached the end of the mysterious portal and landed on a carpet. I could hear someone saying "YES! The portal does work!" before passing out. I later woke up on a chair, with a lavender pony staring at me. "How fascinating" , she said as she inspected my body. "Hmm, a new species for my book." I was confused. Really confused. I spoke up: "Where am I?", confusedly. Did I mention I was confused? The creature was startled yet intrigued. "Wow, it CAN talk!" She yelled in fascination. "Do. You. Have. A name?" The pony said, choppily, as if I couldn't understand the English language."Before I tell you my name, I can speak English well." The purple pony was more amazed than ever to find a new creature that could speak the same language. "WOW!" She screamed in amazement. "I must write this down.". She quickly ran upstairs before I could say my name. I heard the pony talking to someone. "Spike, do you know where I put my notebook?" Who was this 'Spike' fellow? Another pony? After a short talk with 'Spike' , the purple pony came down with a glowing book in the air, a glowing horn, and a purple baby dragon. "See, Spike? That thing can speak English!" So that was Spike. The dragon carefully walked up, scared that I might harm him. "H-hello..." he said softly to me. "Um...hey." I said in a little louder than regular talking voice. "What's your name?" Spike said in a slightly louder voice than before. "My name is Kainoa..." "So it does have a name!" the pony said. "Listen, can someone tell me where I am?" I said loudly. "Oh, right! I forgot to tell you. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and you're in Ponyville!" the pony said. "And exactly where is Ponyville in? Texas?" I said. "Texas? Never heard of it. This place is Ponyville, Equestria."
"SO I'M NOT IN AMERICA?"
"America? I've never heard of these places!"
There was no doubt. I was in a different place. Not a different part of Earth. A different Universe.
"So, does your species have a scientific name and/or a regular name like us? Our scientific name is Equus Caballus , while our regular name is pony or horse.".
((BTW, Equus Caballus is the actual scientific name for horse. You learn something new every day, huh?))
"Scientific name? Homo Sapiens. Our regular name is human.". I told her.
"Mm-hmm. can you spell that?"
I spelled it for her.
"Thanks! Now smile for the camera; I need a photo example of a 'human'.".
As she got the camera ready I thought to myself.
How do these ponies talk?
Why does this one have a horn? Is she a unicorn?
How and why did the mysterious portal appear near myhouse and get me HERE?
"Alright. Thanks. So, since you're here already, let me introduce you to the ponies here in Ponyville. Come here, Um, Kainoa?" I nodded. "Alright! Come with us, Spike!" "Okay!" Spike said.
As soon as I walked out side of Twilight Sparkle's Library, it was even more obvious that I was not on Earth. Everything was a bit more colorful and cartoony, yet I was still amazed at how beautiful Ponyville was. As I walked, I saw many ponyfolk walking around town, all looking at me, wondering what I was. One of them, a gray one with a yellow mane, a symbol of bubbles on her flank (not that I was looking at it for a long time...), wings and cross-eyes, was staring at me and crashed into some poles many times. As I was looking around, Twilight stopped at a bakery. "Why are we here?" I asked. She said that we were going to introduce her to one of her friends. A VERY ENERGETIC ONE AT THAT.
"This is Sugarcube Corner, where you can get sweets and such", Twilight said. "My friend Pinkie Pie works there; come inside. And Spike, DON'T eat any sweets. The dentist said no sweets for a whole week.". We walked inside, where we were greeted by Mrs. and Mr. Cake. "Hello, Twilight! Hello Spike!" said Mrs. and Mr. Cake in unison. "Um, who's the new...creature with you?"
"Oh, this is Kainoa, he's a human. I was doing some experiments on my portal when this 'human' popped out. He's new here, and I'm introducing him to almost everypony in Ponyville today.'.
"Well, then, nice to meet you, Kainoa!"
After shaking Mrs. and Mr Cakes' hands, Twilight asked if Pinkie Pie was here. As soon as Pinkie heard her name, she zoomed out of the kitchen, with flour on her hooves and in her mane.
"Did somebody call me?" She said. "Oh, hey Twilight, what are you doing here? Just dropping by? DId you bring me something? Did you bring Gummy something? Are you going to get a cake? Or maybe a muffin? Or some cookies?"
Turns out that Pinkie Pie is really energetic and and likes to talk. AND I MEAN TALK. She practically had more questions than I asked in a minute! After about 23 questions (Eeyup, I was counting), she finally noticed me. "Who's that?" She asked.
Again, Twilight said "This is Kainoa. He's a species called a 'human' who just appeared out of my portal-thing I was working on." "Okie dokie loki!" She said in a happy voice. "Hello, Kai-o-na!", Pronouncing my name wrong. "It's Kainoa.", Said Twilight, giggling from how Pinkie said my name. "My name is Pinkie Pie, and I work here! I'm one of the best bakers in Equestria!" "Cool.", I said calmly. "Wanna see me work for a bit?" "alright". I said softly. I thought that if I was calm around Pinkie, maybe she would calm down too. She was still pretty energetic, but actually calming down. I sat down on a chair, next to Twilight. Pinkie ran out of flour and had to go get a stool to reach up to the top cabinet, where the flour was. Twilight offered to get it using her magic, but Pinkie kindly declined.
As she was on the stool, standing on her hind legs, I was watching her still. Spike was looking out the window, where a white pony with a curvy purple mane was standing talking to the gray Pegasus from earlier, Spike looking lovestruck. Twilight was reading a cookbook. It took quite a long time for Pinkie to get the flour (about 15 minutes), and while she was doing that, I was staring at her flank for the most of the time she was trying to get the flour. Maybe a little maybe more left of her flank. I stopped staring when I felt something in my pants.
What!? some of you clop to ponies. So there's nothing wrong with getting a lump in my shorts here.
Anyways, She then made more batter, poured it in the pan thing to make the cupcakes, and put it in the oven.
"Now we wait for the cupcakes to bake. But hey, if you guys are gonna introduce Kainoa to the town, you should get going! I'll save some sweets for you guys!"
"Bye, Pinkie!" Us three said. Next off to some other ponies' house. While we were casually walking, Twilight told me about herself and Spike.
"So, if you forgot, my name is Twilight Sparkle, but you can call me Twilight. Our little dragon here is Spike."
"Hey, I'm not little! I'm just...young." Said Spike.
"So, where you first were when I found you was my house. It's also a library, because i love books. I'm one of Princess Celestia's students."
"You have a princess?" I asked. Hey, we don't have princesses in America, do we?
"Yep. There's Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, just to name a few."
"Neat. So, are you a princess, too? You look like one". Yes, I said that. I was attempting to hit on her...
"Oh, don't be silly. I'm not a princess. But thanks for the compliment." She blushed.
"Besides, most princesses are taller than me.", she added.
For a moment, there was pure silence. Then I asked what Twilight meant by "Student of Princess Celestia".
"Oh, well, I'm her student, so that means, that I write to her every week or so to tell her what I learned about friendship."
"Guys, look! We're here!" Spike said.
"Where?" I asked.
Twilight said with glee in her voice: "Sweet Apple Acres!"
"Sweet Apple Acres? Is that a farm or something?"
"Yep! It's where The Apple Family Works! They work hard to grow and harvest Equestria's finest Apples. From Fuji to Golden Delicious, they grow them all!" Said Twilight, seeming very proud of the Apple Family.
SO come on, let's go in!" Said Twilight.
So we went through the gate at the front, and Twilight called for somepony called Applejack. I was again in for a surprise. When Twilight called Applejack, an orange pony with blonde hair, a cowgirl hat, three apples as her cutie mark, and her hair in a ponytail came. "Hey, Twi.", the Orange pony said in a Texas accent, happy to see her friend again. "So I'm guessing this is Applejack?" I said, slightly sarcastically yet distracted by how beautiful she was.
"Yeah, this is Applejack. She's one of my friends and works here as a great Bucker".
You're telling me, I thought in my head. *wink*
"What in the hay is that thing?" AJ said.
As always, Twilight explained about me going through the portal and blah-blah-blah.
"Oh. That's pretty intarestin'. Sorry if Ah offended ya." She said to me. So, hows about i show ya around Sweet Apple Acres?" AJ said.
"Sure...that'd be nice." I said, lovestruck.
Almost the entire time, I was either staring at her flank or looking at her face, walking around with a stiff one in my pants; luckily nopony noticed. You could actually see brown hearts in my eyes. (because my eyes are brown)
She then introduced me to her family that was here at the time.
"Here's mah brother, Big Macintosh..."
"Eeyup.", he said with basically no emotion.
"..Mah sister Apple Bloom..."
"Howdy there Mr. Kainoa!"
"...and mah grandma, Granny Smith. Granny! Wake up! We've got company!"
"UGHAWWA-- hwat? Oh hey ther!- What in Equestria's that!?"
"Ah human, Granny." She explained what a human was. Sort of.
"Oh-Kayy..." She said as she drifted back to sleep, snoring loudly.
"So, welcome to Sweet Apple Acres! Ah have uh feelin' yer hungry, arn't ya?" She said.
"Well, I didn't eat lunch, and it's about 4:40 pm..." I said, looking at my watch. "And my stomach is feeling empty, so why not?"
"Alright, then! So, what to ya what to eat? Apples? Apple pie? Apple fritters? Apple tart?"
"Not to offend you, but do you have anything BESIDES apples?" I had apples for breakfast. Weird, huh?
"Sure! We got Hay fries and Manehatten Grass Sandwiches!"
On second thought apples sound better.
After a meal of nothing but apples and apple related foods, I decided to give them some money. It was fair, after all, since they let me eat there.
"So how much do I owe you? 3 dollars?"
"Dollars? Ah dunno what those are, but ya don't owe nothing! It's on the house!"
Awesome. A free meal.
"Thanks! Well, I gotta go now; thanks for the food and tour!"
"So, I saw you with googly eyes when you were staring at Applejack. YOU LIKE HER DON"T YOU?!" Spike yelled to me.
"What the hell are you talking about? I think she's cool like you and Twilight, but I don't like her like that!"
"Okay then. Whatever you say". Spike said, winking an eye at me.
"Hey Twi, what does 'hell' mean?" He whispered to Twilight. I could still hear him.
Before Twilight could say "i don't know", I answered "a bad word. Wait, lemme guess. you don't have bad words in Equestria?"
Silence. We also stopped as Twilight was wondering what "bad words" were. Were they words that were bad to use in a certain sentence?
"Wow. That's surprising, even for a place with talking colorful ponies."
"What's so different about the ponies in your world?"
"They're not colorful. They don't talk. They don't have things on their flank. Lots more, too."
"Interesting. I'll write that down when we get back home. Now, lets continue to go to the Carousel Boutique."
"Yay! I'll get to see Rarity there! Keep your hands off her, Kainoa."
"I'm guessing the Carousel Boutique is a clothing store. And a dragon named Rarity works there."
"Close. It's a clothing store, but Rarity is my friend and a pony."
That makes no sense to me. What if they really liked each other and wanted to conceive? Pony + Dragon = ? At that time I had no Idea what a draconequus was.
"We're here!" Twilight said excitedly.
"Rarity? Are you here?" Twilight asked through the door.
"Yes, I am! Sweetie Belle, could you get the door?" A small pony with a white and lavender mane opened the door.
"Hey, Sweetie Belle, is Rarity busy?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah, she is, but you can come in!" The small pony said. "what's that thing?"
Twilight was getting tired of explaining it, so she sighed and said what I was.
"Cool!" The pony said with big eyes staring at me.
As we walked in, Spike sighed happily at the sight of a white pony with a beautiful purple mane. The white pony was working on a white dress, for a pony, by the looks of it.
"as she focused on making the dress, she talked to us. "Hello Twilight. So, how may i help you today, my darling?"
"I wanted you to meet someone. His name is Kainoa".
"Oh, wonderful!" She looked up to see me. "What is that?" She gasped.
"It's a-" Twilight began, but Rarity interrupted her. "No, I know that's a human, I heard you explain that to Sweetie Belle. I mean these clothes! I know that all creatures that wear clothes have similar preferences for them, and your clothes are simply ATROCIOUS! I must fix them right away! Come here human, I'll need you as a model so I can make you new clothes.
I walked to where she was leading me.
"Alright, now how many pieces of clothing do you wear? It looks like 2. Right of wrong?" She asked me. I nodded. "Alright, let me make something for you. I'm going to ask you to take off your current clothes, if that's okay with you".
"Sure?" Oh, christ, no. I could not just take my clothes off except for my undies in front of a pony. I was fat. I was a huge fatass dude. But oh well. I took of my red shirt that said "mixwell" on it and then took of my camo shorts. Surprisingly, she didn't mind or tease my lardness. "alright, so let me get some materials. I'll be right back. Oh geeze, leaving me basically naked, not even in the dressing room for Goodness sake. My damn underwear made it look like I had another boner. After about two minutes, she came back. "OK, now just stand like normal, this shouldn't take too long since I've practiced my sewing skills much."
Bored as hell, I decided to look around. Spike was looking really jealous, as I was basically being frisked by his crush as she sewed everything together and checked my proportions every 5 minutes. He made a peace sign and pointed them at his squinted eyes, then at me. Again, Twilight was reading a book that she brought from the library.
I slouched every now and then, and Rarity straightened me up. I almost fell asleep, and she slapped me across the face by accident instead of just patting my cheek. For a girl, she was strong. Every time I touch my cheek I can still feel the pain.
"Mr. Kainoa, your clothes are done! Go ahead and look in the mirror." I walked to the mirror. It was pretty nice. She somehow knew I wore simple stuff and my favorite color was Green.
"So. What do you think?"
"It's PERFECT. You really are great at clothing!" I said complimenting her at her wonderful skills.
She blushed a little, as she knew she was good. "Why thank you!"
"So, how much do I owe you?"
"Because you're new here, it's on the house!"
"That's why she's the element of generosity." Twilight said out of the blue.
"Nice! Well, thanks Rarity!"
'Wow, these ponies are really nice. I like it here, so far. I might just stay here for a while,' I thought to myself. 'Wonder who we're gonna meet next.'