The shouting increased in volume, the two guards outside shuffled nervously as their two Princesses were having their daily shouting match. The Lunar Guard looked over to the Solar Guard, and noticed his counterpart was every bit as nervous as himself.
“Do you think we should try and stop them…?”
“Do you think we could?” was the Solar Guards response.
Before the Lunar Guard could reply, the sound of ponies at a trot came from around the corner. Glancing in the direction of the sound, he watched as a patrol of mixed Lunar and Solar guards (quite rare, usually the two Guards kept among themselves while on duty) including none other than Shining Armour, Captain of the Solar Guard.
Moving in perfect harmony with each other, both of the nervous guards snapped stiff salutes at their superior hoping against hope he would walk by without hearing the tremendously loud argument behind the door that was their charge.
Approaching the two guards, Shining armour inspected the pair and noticed the obvious discomfort. He could hear the shouting of course, everypony in Canterlot could hear the Princesses when they were angry.
“At ease!” he snapped in his best military voice, “I’m here to deliver a message to the Princesses!”
As the guards complied, he allowed himself a small smile and a chuckle.
“Hopefully I can get them to stop bickering. Those two are almost as bad as me and my little sister!”
Sharing their captain’s small chuckle, all of guards present visibly relaxed; exactly what Shining had hoped to accomplish.
After a swift knock at the doors to the royal chambers, Shining Armour entered and heard Princess Celestia speak the words he had hoped never to hear.
“Shining Armour! Gather the Solar Guard and call in any and all reserves you may have! We go to war!”
Before he could form a reply, Luna laughed and began to bark out her own orders.
“If you wish war, Celestia, then you shall receive it! COMET TAIL! GATHER THE LUNAR GUARD AND MEET ME AT THE NORTHERN EDGE OF THE EVERFREE FORREST! I shall see you there… sister.”
The Lunar Princess spat out the last word as if it were some kind of curse as Comet Tail rushed off to do his Princesses bidding, galloping away to find Captain Nova, commander of the Lunar Guard.
“P-p-princess, surely this decision is a bit hasty…” Shining Armour sputtered as Luna Flew out of the window.
“No, Shining Armour,” Princess Celestia began in a sad tone, “I am more certain than I have ever been before about this. We go to war.”
Casting aside the sadness in her voice, she began to bark orders at her Captain. With a salute, Shining Armour galloped off to gather his own soldiers.
Before he had made it out the door, however, he and his Princess both heard the great booming of Princess Luna’s voice over Canterlot.
“CITIZENS OF CANTERLOT! I HAVE AN ANOUNCEMENT TO MAKE! AS OF THIS DAY, I AM AT WAR WITH MY SISTER, PRINCESS CELESTIA! ALL THOSE WHO WOULD HAVE THE HONOUR AND GLORY OF FIGHTING FOR THE VICTOURIOUS SIDE, JOIN ME AT THE EDGE OF THE EVERFREE FORREST TONIGHT!”
With a flash of brilliant blue light, The Princess Of The Night disappeared from the sky, leaving Celestia to watch in dismay as a good many ponies seemed to drop what they were doing and rush to leave Canterlot. Before the war had even begun, her sister was already draining her forces.
“You have your orders Shining Armour. Please, carry them out to the best of your ability while I contact the Elements and ready Ponyville for battle.”
With another salute, Shining Armour rushed off again as Celestia took a piece of parchment and quill from her desk and began to write:
Dear Twilight Sparkle
My Most Faithful Student
I am afraid I must send you terrible news. My sister and I have declared war upon each other, and battle will be joined within the week. The site chosen for this battle is a field at the North edge of The Everfree Forrest. You are to stay away from this field, as it is where my sister will gather her army. It saddens me, but I must ask you and all loyal Ponyville Citizens to gather on the edge of Ponyville and prepare for war.
Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia
After re-reading the letter, she sent it off to its destination with a flash of magic and set out to begin her own preparations.
By this time, Luna had already descended upon Ponyville to enlist the Elements of Harmony to her cause. She knew she had little time; her sister would have already contacted her protégé Twilight Sparkle and asked her to gather the Elements. Twilight herself would never abandon her beloved teacher, and so Luna had to get to the other Elements before the unicorn. With a single flap of her powerful wings, she descended upon the small cottage she knew was the home of Fluttershy.
Knocking urgently on the door, she was greeted by Fluttershy’s beast of a bunny, Angel. Having no patience for the small creature’s antics, she glared down his objections before she spoke.
“Retrieve your master little one, I must speak with her.”
As if sensing the gravity of the situation, Angel gave a small salute and rushed off to find the shy pegasus. Within moments, Fluttershy was standing at the door in a state of mild shock.
“Oh… hello Princess, can I help you?”
Smiling at the absurd cuteness the pegasus before her managed to project even in this dark time, Princess Luna explained the situation in full. After she was finished, Luna received a great shock when the pegasus spoke.
“I don’t really like war, Princess. Ponies could get hurt… but, I’ll do my best. ”
Staring deep in to the eyes of The Element of Kindness, the Luna Princess saw a deep resolve to see this matter done. With another small smile, she carefully explained what she wanted the pegasus to do.
“That is wonderful dear Fluttershy. Please gather all of the animals to assist you in setting up the staging area for our forces in the field at the Northern edge of The Everfree.”
After receiving a nod from the pegasus, Luna took flight for The Carousel Boutique, home of Rarity who was the nearest Element. As she landed, she was nearly bowled over by an impossibly fast flash of pink.
“Hi Princess I thought it was you flying because no pegasus is that big unless you count that white one with the small wings and HUUUUGE muscles speaking of pegasuseses have you seen Rainbow Dash I was looking for her but then I saw you and OOMPH-“ Pinkie was cut off mid rant by Luna’s hoof being shoved in to her mouth.
“Miss Pie, I beseech you to be silent! Come with me to Lady Rarity’s boutique and all shall be explained!” Luna said; her tone one of pure exasperation as she removed her hoof.
“Okie dokie lokie! OOPS that was talking and you asked me not to! AHH I talked again! And again! AHHHH-OOMPH” hoof met mouth again.
Pinkie nodded, and Luna tentatively removed her hoof. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie remained silent, although she wore a grin the Princess would have thought physically impossible moments before.
After walking the rest of the short way to Carousel Boutique, Luna rapped her hoof off of the door.
“Just a minute~!” came a sing song voice a moment before the door opened.
Rarity nearly fainted when she saw Princess Luna standing expectantly on the street.
“Oh Princess, this is a surprise! Please come in, whatever can I do for you?
Spike was on a ladder dusting when he felt the familiar rumble of a letter from the Princess. Clambering off the ladder before the resulting belch could throw him off of it, the rumble worked its way up to his throat and eventually manifested in a small blast of green flame.
“Twilight! Letter!” he called as he scurried around the library, searching for the somewhat scatterbrained unicorn.
“Twilight, this is important!”
That got her attention, and he felt the letter yank its way out of his claws before it flew off to find the lavender unicorn.
“What is it now Spike? I’m in the middle of some very… important… research…”
The unicorn’s voice lost its usual authoritative tone as her eyes reached the end of the letter. A few moments letter, another belch and a second letter lightly bounced off of Twilight’s face. Picking it up, the unicorn read that one as well before standing and barking orders at the young dragon.
“Spike, get my saddlebags together! Make sure to throw in that copy of The Art Of War! Then we need to go gather the others! HURRY!”
Spike rushed to follow her orders, spurred on by the urgency in the unicorn’s voice. In less than two minutes, her saddlebags were perfectly packed along with The Art Of War tucked neatly in the top of the left bag, easy to reach.
“Okay, we’ll split the work. I’ll find Applejack and Rainbow Dash, you get Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. Tell everypony you see to meet at the edge of Ponyville nearest to the Everfree, colts and fillies to. They can provide support even if they can’t fight.”
With an explosion of lavender sparkles, Twilight disappeared. Snapping a mock salute to the empty air, Spike ran off to do as he had been bid.
“Applejack, are you there?” Twilight yelled as she rushed through the front door of the Apple family’s farmhouse.
“What’s with all the shoutin’ there sugarcube?” the farm pony asked as she walked out of the kitchen.
Twilight wasted no time explaining the situation to her.
“…and so I need you and your family at the staging area as soon as possible! Even Granny Smith, she’ll keep the young ones in line,” Twilight finished, cutting off Applejack’s question before it even left the blonde maned ponies lips.
“All right Twilight, the Apple family will help win this here war! Aint that right, Big Mac?”
“Eeyup,” the large stallion drawled as he walked in to the farm house to see what all the commotion had been about.
“Excellent! I need to find Rainbow Dash, any idea where she is?” Twilight asked, hoping she wouldn’t be forced to scour the town for the prismatic maned mare.
“She said something; about the new Darin’ Do when Ah asked her to help me bake these here pies,” Applejack answered.
With another explosion of lavender sparkles, Twilight disappeared.
“Ah hate it when she goes off with that disappearin’ business! Ah well, we’d best get going to the stagin' area Big Mac.”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac drawled again as he turned to get everything ready for battle.
Getting Rainbow Dash to join the war was easy. All it took was telling her there was a war, and she jumped up ready to fight for Princess Celestia. That’s the Element of Loyalty for you.
Within an hour of finding Rainbow Dash, Twilight was at the staging area for the coming battle. As she looked around, she noticed that the Solar Guards as well as most of the population of Canterlot was in attendance, except for those nobles who felt that they could not be bothered with such a barbaric display. With great disappointment, she also noticed that a quarter of Ponyville’s population at best had joined the forces of The Solar Princess. Walking behind the line of artillery catapults being assembled; Twilight headed for the Command Tent to meet with her Princess and the newly appointed General of the Solar Empire… her big brother.
“You asked to see me Princess?” the lavender unicorn asked as she stepped through the flaps of the tent.
In the centre of the tent sat a huge oaken table laden with maps and surrounded by the Princess, along with her brother, Spike, Rainbow Dash and Applejack.
“Where are Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity?” she asked, worry creeping in to her voice.
“They have already promised their allegiance to the New Lunar Republic,” began Celestia, “though do not worry. I will not hold it against them when this war is won; they are doing only what they believe to be right. Now, to business. I will be explaining your roles in tomorrow’s battle.”
In perfect union across the battlefield, the Lunar Princess was busy explaining her pony’s rolls as well.
“Twilight” “Rarity” the voices rang out, “you will command the artillery due to your exceptional organization skills and pinpoint accuracy.”
“Yes your Highness” the two unicorns responded in turn.
“Applejack” “Pinkie Pie” came the regal voices again, “You will command the young and elderly as they create our ammunition.”
Applejack only nodded, but her more energetic counterpart bounced in place and exclaimed “Okey Dokey Princess!”
“Rainbow Dash” “Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash met her Princesses gaze with eager eyes while Fluttershy could not bring her eyes to meet her own commanders, “You will be in charge of the Pegasi Bombers.”
“YES!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, happy to have such an important role.
On the opposite end of the field, Fluttershy was doing no such thing.
“Umm, Princess, I don’t think I should the pegasi… if that’s all right with you I mean… eep…”
“Of course dear Fluttershy” the Luna Princess began, ”another can be found. Instead, you shall lead your animal friends as a medical unit, making sure every pony hurt makes it through this war.”
Fluttershy quickly brightened. She enjoyed caring for both animals and ponies; such a position was meant for her.
“Spitfire,” Luna began again, “I apologize for getting caught in the heat of the moment. You shall lead the Pegasi Bombers.”
Spitfire bowed deeply, “I would be honored your Highness.”
Once again the Princesses addressed their ponies in unison, delivering orders to make sure that all preparations would be complete by the time the sun rose. General Nova and General Shining Armour both grimaced, they knew that they would get no sleep this night.
General Nova swept down in to the chaos that was the ammunition house, and began to search for the cotton candy maned pony that was in charge of the operation. With a cry of surprise he fell back when said pony dropped out of apparently nowhere directly in front of his face.
“Hiya Nova why so serious?” she asked, much to General Nova’s indignation.
“Miss Pie, I am serious because it is my job. If you could show me the ammunition you have come up with for the coming battle?”
The temperature in the room seemed to drop a few degrees as Pinkie narrowed her eyes at the General and growled.
“My name is NOT Miss Pie. Only the Princess may call me that. I am Pinkie Pie to you, General!”
With a gulp, the General nodded and the pink party pony seemed to explode in to happiness again.
“Okie Dokie Lokie! Come on!”
The General followed the absurd pony as she bounced around; telling him what each type of ammunition was in turn.
“Let’s see here… these are incendiary rounds! Wherever they land they explode with hotness! Those are limited though; we don’t have enough resources to make many of them. Over here we have grenade clusters! They split in to a bunch of smaller pieces! Over there are the artillery rounds, simple but effective! And, I’m not finished yet, but I have a WMD in the works that’ll put Applejacks to shame,” and with that, Pinkie exploded into laughter much to General Nova’s confusion.
“How do you know what Applejack is making?” he asked.
In response, Pinkie pointed her hoof at a young white unicorn who was diligently working away at an artillery round.
“Sweetie Belle! I sent her over to visit her friends on the other side of the field because her friends were over there!”
With a curt nod and a sudden surge of relief at the pinky ponies surprising competence, he made his final inspection and commands.
“Excellent Pinkie, I’m very pleased to see you keeping up with the enemy! Make sure you send a courier to me before the night is out detailing exactly how much of each type of ammunition we have, as well as any and all information of the enemies supplies.”
Pinkie Pie nodded, and The General was off to complete his rounds. He had already checked in with Spitfire’s Pegasi Bombers, so that only left Rarity’s artillery, his spies, and his infantry. First on the list was Rarity, and he found himself forcefully ordering her to stop beautifying the catapults, as it would not increase their efficiency and therefore wasted time. Predictably, the Prima Donna unicorn argued that war should fashionable. General Nova quickly squashed that notion before heading off to meet with his newly returned spies.
He was given a list of the enemies ammunition supplies, but they had no information on the supposed WMD that Pinkie had informed him off, as well as a list of what pony was leading what portion of the enemies army. Congratulating the spies, he gave all the information he had to courier with orders to deliver it to Princess Luna.
Hurrying to complete his final round, he was relieved to see a strong contingent of pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies all armed and training. Mentally running over a short speech, he found a large box and climbed up on it.
The infantry responded with satisfying speed and precision before waiting for him to continue.
“All right ponies, we know why we are here so I won’t waste your time explaining it. You all have a job to do, and you must know that you are the backbone of this army! Without you, this army would surely fail! Tomorrow you march for the glory of The Lunar Republic, and you shall stand firm!”
“FOR THE NEW LUNAR REPUBLIC!” a torrent of voices echoed back at him.
From across the field, General Nova could hear a similar cry from the forces of The Solar Empire.
The soldiers were ready.
The next morning at dawn, Luna surveyed the battlefield and used her magic to verify that Celestia was doing the same. Luna made no attempt to hide her actions, and so Celestia soon sent a question across the field to her sister.
‘Will you not set aside this foolishness?’
‘No sister. I shall not back down. You began this war, and by all the powers of this world I shall end it!’
‘Very well sister.’
And such was the last communication between the two Princesses before the battle. With her Royal Canterlot Voice, Luna gave the order.
“SOLDIERS OF THE NEW LUNAR REPUBLIC! TO WAR!”
Only a second after Luna commanded her forces to charge, Shining Armour could be heard delivering a similar command to his troops.
It had begun.
For miles around, the sound of thundering hooves echoed from the trees and stones. The shouts and battle cries of the two armies carried across the field, only to be cut off as they met. With a resounding crash, the two armies collided and the sounds of ponies falling filled the air.
“Ready the artillery! Sixty-Five degree angle to ensure we do not hit our own troops!” cried Rarity, and as one the catapults of The New Lunar Republic launched their payloads in to the sky.
Rarity almost grinned when she heard the soldiers of The Solar Empire curse and scream.
Across the battlefield, Twilight Sparkle gave similar orders but with one major difference. Twilight personally charged every catapult to magic, making her artillery far more accurate and effective than The New Lunar Republic’s could hope to be. Twilight didn’t even bother to hold back her grin as the shouts of the enemy reached her ears.
Watching over the battle, Celestia cringed as she heard the sounds of her ponies falling. She could do nothing for them now except for win this war. The regal figure silently cursed her sister for not backing down before commanding Rainbow Dash to lead her Pegasi Bombers in to the air.
“Yes Princess!” Rainbow replied, “all right crew, you heard her! Let’s show these dogs what REAL pegasi can do!”
Grabbing her payload of bombs, she took to the sky and waves of similarly equipped pegasi rose behind her. It was a formidable sight, and one that the soldiers of The New Lunar Republic would remember until the end of their days. As she reached the skies over her enemy, she began to drop her payload before giving commands to her troops.
“Soarin’, flights five through eight are on you! Take the west end of the field! Flights one through four, on me! We’re taking the middle. Everypony else, hit the east!”
“Rodger Commander Dash,” came Soarin’s reply, along with a wink and a smile.
Banking hard, the four flights of Pegasi Bombers on him followed his lead. As one, they blanketed the enemy droops and left devastation in their wake. Suddenly, one of his pegasi fell for the sky. Hurriedly searching the skies, he found Spitfire above his head with a weapon in her mouth.
‘They’re armed, why aren’t we armed?' was all he had time to think before he fell from the sky as well.
Rainbow Dash watched him as he fell, cut down by the traitorous Wonderbolt. Passing off command to a random pegasus near her, she raced to catch him before he hit the ground. She was too late, he landed hard. Landing beside him, she stared in to his eyes and screamed. Soarin’ raised a hoof to her lips and whispered “It’s been an honour fighting alongside such a beautiful and talented Commander, Rainbow Dash.”
His eyes closed. With another scream, Rainbow launched from the ground and tore the weapon from a terrified Spitfire’s mouth. With a cold glance, Rainbow cut her down and moved on.
Luna watched from her position at the rear of the field, amazed at the ferocity Rainbow Dash was showing. Weapon held firmly in her mouth, she lashed out and pegasus after pegasus fell in her wake. The Princess decided it was time for her to take the field. Levitating her own weapon, she winked away to the centre of the battlefield.
With a shock, she realized that she had been ignoring Celestia who was now directly in front of her, her own weapon raised. Before the Lunar Princess could speak, she was struck hard across the flank. ‘That’s going to leave a mark’ she thought, whipping her own weapon up to block the next strike.
Celestia was Luna’s superior in magic, but on the battlefield a silent agreement had passed between the two sisters; limiting them both to basic telekinesis. The elder Princess cursed her lack of practice in combat, being struck several times by her sister’s weapon. Pumping her powerful wings, she retreated and gathered more weapons from the fallen soldiers around her. She watched as Luna did the same, and was surprised as her sister called out in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
“PINKIE PIE! THE WMD! USE IT, NOW!”
“Okie Dokie Lokie! One Weapon of Mass Deliciousness coming right up!”
Trotting over to Rarity, she delivered her payload of warm Nacho Cheese Sauce to replace Rarity’s current meringue pie ammunition, and prepared to launch it.
Across the battlefield, Applejack had heard the Lunar Princesses cry and brought her own WMD in to play, homemade applesauce with a wonderful cinnamon twist.
Both Rarity and Twilight fired their weapons simultaneously, and the two thick liquids met in the air over the battling Princesses, covering their multitude of baguette swords and drenching both of the Princesses in a sticky sludge. Trying desperately to maintain a straight face, Luna snickered as she continued to fight. That didn’t last long however, and in a matter of seconds both Princesses were heartily laughing amongst the various flavors of pie, cupcake, strudel, and other confections.
The battle ended then, a draw as both sides still had ponies fit to continue. The few pegasi with remaining water bombs dropped them on the pony’s unfortunate enough to get hit with Pinkie’s incendiary rounds, washing the hot sauce off of their bodies. Laughing, the fallen soldiers stood and trotted off to meet their friends and celebrate the fun they had experienced that day.
The two Generals took the field, shaking hooves beside the Princesses as they began to barter.
“Next time, I get Pinkie Pie. These cupcakes are delicious!” exclaimed Princess Celestia.
“In exchange I demand Twilight Sparkle! Her artillery slaughtered my troops!” countered Luna.
As they laughed again, the Elements of Harmony walked towards each other and congratulated their counterparts on jobs well done.
“Princess Celestia, Princess Luna,” the lavender unicorn began after spewing purple prose at Rarity for her accuracy, “that was the most fun I have had in years! I hope we can do it again some time!”
“Ah agree,” cut in Applejack, “but next time Ah’m afraid Ah’ll have ta charge ya’ll for the cost of ingredients.”
“I agree my little ponies. We shall do this again, and you will be compensated for your contributions Applejack.”
The farm pony beamed as she trotted off to find her little sister.
“What were you two arguing about anyway?” asked Shining Armour, directing the query at Princess Celestia.
“Who was best at athletics,” was the Princesses answer.
“TIA! That is… personal!” stammered Luna.
Laughing, Princess Celestia then made a royal decree that raised cheers from the crowd around.
“I declare today a Holiday! This is the first annual Ponyville Food War!”
All through that day and night, there was much rejoicing in the new Holiday, and for years ever after it went down in the history books as Equestrias favourite Holiday.
Fillies and Gentlecolts, I present to you what happens when an author who normally writes dark and violent things takes a hilariously absurd idea and just RUNS WITH IT!