Billy Mays goes to Equestria
(Remake of applejack meets Billy Mays)
It was a normal day in Ponyville; the village residents were going about their regular business and activities, the colts and fillies were playing games in the town square, Celestia’s sun was high in the sky making the day beautiful and hot and it would be plenty more hours until Luna’s moon started rising, so the ponies were getting the most out of the day as they can but….
In the center of Ponyville, a portal of some sorts opened up, crowds of ponies soon gathered around the portal to investigate, they all stood there unmoving wondering what going to come out, a monster, a pony, something, they didn’t know but what they did know was that something big was going to come out.
After a while some ponies dispersed from the crowd and others just slept, the portal had been open for some time now and it looked like nothing was going to come out, UNTIL…
A large bipedal creature walked out, all ponies were shocked at what came out; it was nothing their imaginations could come up with, it wore a navy blue shirt with “OXYCLEAN” stitched above the left peck, he wore khaki pants and black loafers, the only reason ponies weren’t running away were because of his trademark smile and godlike beard… it was Billy Mays.
“BILLY MAYS HERE” Billy Mays said to the crowd, whenever he spoke, he spoke loud with power and grace, like all gods with old spice, he had a beard and what a beard it was, it was jet black and full, it held power and control and it was washed with a mixture of old spice and oxyclean and it grew full with green now! And he dried it using a turbo tiger; it was the perfect way to clean.
Billy Mays stepped forward from the portal and it closed instantly, some ponies stepped back but none ran because of his smile and generally nice aura that was coming off him, there was also another reason… it was his beard, they were mesmerized by it, it was so perfect and full.
“IM GOING TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER YOU CANT REFUSE” Billy Mays said, some ponies were intrigued and some were scared but they didn’t run away.
Billy Mays pulled out an awesome auger, some of the ponies were confused as to how he got the device out of nowhere and others were curious to what actually the device was.
Billy Mays turned the device on and ponies were startled by the noise but curiosity held them in place.
“HAVE YOU EVER HAD TROUBLE DIGGING HOLES, ESPEACIALY EARTH PONIES” said Billy Mays, this caught the attention of the earth ponies but since unicorns used magic and pegasi didn’t have gardens (except Fluttershy) they didn’t have a use for it.
“WELL NO PROBLEM, THE AWESOME AUGER IS THE MOST RELIABLE WAY TO DIG HOLES IN YOUR GARDEN” Billy Mays proceeded to stick the awesome auger into the ground and immediately a fresh hole appeared in the ground, perfect for plants and seeds, the earth ponies were in awe at how easy it seemed, the pegasi felt indifferent and the unicorns were bored.
“Ah cud use one ah a those,” shouted Applejack from the front of the crowd holding a bag of bits in her hand, Billy Mays placed the awesome auger on the ground in front of her and grabbed the bag of bits, as soon as the bits were grabbed, a wave of ponies flooded Billy Mays for purchases of the Awesome Auger.
As soon as the purchases were handled, Billy Mays summoned another item forth, it was a Turbo Tiger, some of the crowed left after having purchased their.
Goods but some stayed to see what this new contraption did.
“BILLY MAYS HERE, WITH YET ANOTHER SPECIAL OFFER” he said as he turned on the Turbo Tiger.
“DO YOU PEGASUS PONIES WANT TO DO YOUR JOB FASTER” Billy Mays said holding up the Turbo Tiger, the pegasi immediately perked at this, especially Rainbow dash, who like the thought of doing her job even faster than before.
“NOW WITH THE TURBO TIGER YOU CAN ABSORB CLOUDS WITH EASE”
Billy Mays demonstrated this by flying high in the sky, this earned a collection of gasps by the Pegasus ponies and dumfounded stares by the unicorns but they were short lived, as the Turbo Tiger, which earned a round of applause, immediately sucked up the clouds.
“ME FIRST!” Shouted Rainbow as she replaced the Turbo Tiger with a bag of bits and flew away and immediately Billy Mays was flooded with pegasi wanting a Turbo Tiger.
“NOW FOR YOU UN—“ Billy Mays was cut off as a large explosion, blew him of his feet, he landed face first in a pile of dirt, all the ponies gasped at this and their gaze was pointed to the smoke caused by the explosion, a figure stood in the smoke; He wore a black t-shirt with a strange yellow writing stitched into it, he had strange pointed hair and appeared to be holding a yellow cloth in his hand.
Billy Mays turned around on the ground to look at what happened, when he caught sight of the figure that loomed over him, he gasped in shock and tried backing away only to find his attempts futile for the blast took most of his energy.
“Y-Y-YOU!” Stuttered Billy Mays pointing at the strange figure above him. The person moved closer to Billy Mays revealing himself………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. SHAMWOW GUY.
“Yes, it is I.” He spoke in a wretched voice, one of which broke glass and made babies cry… yes it was bad.
Billy Mays didn’t even say anything; he just got up and delivered a blow to Shamwow guy’s face… that failed, Shamwow guy put his Shamwow in front of Billy Mays fist causing him to become weak, he fell to the ground.
“H-H-HOW!” Stuttered Billy Mays.
“The power of shamwow is far greater than the power of old spice!”
Shamwow guy picked up Billy Mays by the neck and threw him into a building… that coincidently belonged to Twilight Sparkle.
“…. OW”
“W-W-WHAT” Shouted Twilight Sparkle in surprise, the creature Broke threw her wall and destroyed a bookcase.
Billy Mays got up from the wreckage and pointed to Twilight Sparkle.
“GET PRINCESS LUNA QU—“ He couldn’t finish his sentence and he was covered in a yellow aura and dragged through another wall, causing the library to collapse on one side.
Twilight stood there with her mouth agape, she ran over to her desk and began writing a letter to princess Luna.
“HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA” laughed Shamwow guy as he kept whacking Billy Mays against the ground, each time with a sickening crack.
“STOP.” Billy Mays was hit into a applecart.
“THIS.” He was then crushed into the side of lyra’s house.
“YOU.” He was launched into the air and landed on his back with a crack, creating a small crater in the cobblestone ground.
“FUCK.” Billy Mays was mad… really mad; He picked himself up off the ground and Shamwow guy tried to pick him up again but failed, Billy Mays eyes went a red and white color like old spice and picked up Shamwow guy with his own magic and shot him into the air, he then flew into the air as quick as Shamwow guy was flying up and with the power of old spice he punched Shamwow guy into the ground at a speed faster than light.
At Canterlot castle princess Luna was in her chambers trying on socks… I know, she was in the middle of putting on the sock on her right foreleg, then in a puff of smoke there was a letter, unfortunately this caused Luna to fall flat on her face.
“ow…” She said while getting off the ground rubbing her nose, sorry I mean muzzle and picked up the letter in magic.
“A letter… ALETTER!” Luna was overjoyed to receive a letter, her first letter, EVER.
Luna began to squeal with joy and unwrapped the letter and immediately her face dropped into a frown; the letter was full of spelling mistakes and the hoof writing was terrible, it clearly rushed.
Ponniville qwik need halp
Luna face hooved and flew outside her window off to ponyville.
“DONE ‘pant’ YET” Said a tired Billy Mays. They had been fighting for a little over an hour now and have destroyed a good half of ponyville, luckily most of the ponies had the common sense to get the hell out of there.
“NEVER!” Shouted Shamwow guy. He was still powerful, you see, depending on the innocence of the universe there currently in they have more power, you see, Billy Mays would have more power if the universe wasn’t full of pussies and softies, Shamwow guy vice versa, I MEAN, come on, they didn’t run away from the big scary creature, they accepted it immediately and nopony has even tried to stop them from destroying their town yet.
“THEN YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!”
Billy Mays clicked his fingers and several portals opened behind him. Out of these portals appeared or more accurately, dropped gods of old spice.
60’s Spiderman
Dovahkiin
And for some reason Gandalf
“I HAVE BROUGHT ALL—“ 60’s Spiderman interrupted Billy Mays.
“I don’t give a FUCK about your problems, just send me home.” Said 60’s Spiderman angrily.
“Have you no honor!” Said Dovahkiin angrily.
“OH. I have honor, right here.” 60’s Spiderman then pointed to his ass, his perfectly badly drawn ass.
“ENOUGH!” Shouted Shamwow guy.
“I have allies too”
He used his Shamwow to whip the ground creating a fissure, and out of the fissure crawled…
60’s Batman and robin
The hero of kvatch
And for some reason Dumbledore
“HOLY GEE BATMAN” Half shouted Robin.
“ATTACK” “ATTACK”
Both Shamwow guy and Billy Mays ordered their ragtag team of gods to attack with varied results.
Batman and Robin ran into the distance with their trademark theme tune
‘nanananananananananananannananannanananannananan’
Sooooooo, basically… they did fuck all
60’s Spiderman, of course, didn’t give a fuck, so he reached into his non-existent pockets and pulled out his phone.
“Lulu”
“Yeah im alright”
“Billy FUCKING Mays wanted my help”
“Of course I don’t give a fuck, you know I gave you my one and only fuck”
“I love you too”
He put the phone back in his pockets and got the hell out of there. How? Because I don’t give a fuck if you know, I’m not going to tell you.
The hero of Kvatch and Dovahkiin were locked blades in an epic battle but in the end, the hero of Kvatch fell to his knees with Dovahkiin’s blade at his throat.
“Any last words, worthy adversary”
The hero of Kvatch didn’t respond. Dovahkiin smirked and prepared to deliver the final blow… but something stopped him, it wasn’t physical, or emotional.
They were both confused but then, in front of Dovahkiin’s appeared a rectangle with word’s he dreaded more than anything, not even a million alduins scared him as much as these word’s.
‘ Skyrim.app has encountered a problem’
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Dovahkinn shouted at the top of his lungs as he froze in place.
The hero of Kvatch seen this as an opportunity and out of nowhere a sword appeared in his hand. As you all know the hero of Kvatch is capable of achieving feats such as this, to this day no one knows how he does this, but alas, we know, it was the mighty power of ‘HAX’S.
The hero of Kvatch decapitated Dovahkiin and the head landed with a ‘thump’… he was no more, and billions of people started crying for some unknown reason.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I HAVE WON.” Hollered the hero of Kvatch as he started the shuffle on the spot but unfortunately, a fate worse than death awaited him.
Unknowingly to the hero of Kvatch standing right behind him WAS…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
“HAXXXXXXXXXXX” Shouted Dr.Hax as a computer monitor flew at lightspeed at the hero of Kvatch’s head, banning him to the realm of HAX for all of eternity. He then disappeared into thin air.
While all this was happening Gandalf and Dumbledore were trying to find out how to battle each other, because you see… It is really obvious that Gandalf is over a quadrillion times stronger than Dumbledore; every wizard knew this so after much arguing they came to an agreement.
GANDALF
YOU
SHALL
NOT
PASS
I RAP FAST LIKE SHADDOW FAX.
TOM RIDDLE ME THIS YOU BITCH.
HOWS YOUR LITTLE WAND GOING TO BEAT MY STAFF.
I LEAVE MIC’S IN FLAMES.
TORCHED BY GANDALF.
TOUCH MINE, DUMBLEDORE AND SCORCH YOUR OTHER HAND OFF.
YOU FOOL,
YOU GOT SNAPED.
YOUR NOT A REAL FIGHTER.
DEATH MAKE YOU DIE,
IT JUST MAKES MY BRIGHTS BRIGHTER.
YOUR ASS IS LIKE GRINGOTS,
EVERYONE MAKES A DEPOSIT.
WE ALL KNOW YOU GOT MORE THAN A BOGGART IN YOUR CLOSET.
DUMBLEDORE
THE PROPHECY FORGOT TO METION THIS DAY,
WHEN I TURNED YOUR ASS BACK TO GANDALF THE GREY.
CHECK YOUR STATUS, THEY CALL ME HEADMASTER, YOUR NOTHING.
NICE STAFF, YOU COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING.
I PREFER THE COMPANY OF WIZARDS AND IM PROUD OF IT.
YOU TRY TO WIN YOUR BATTLES WITH TO FAT HOBBITS.
DO YOU THINK YOU HAIRY TOED FRIENDS GONNA HARM ME
WAIT UNTILL THEY GET THE TASTE OF DUMBLEDORES ARMY.
GANDALF
DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS
I DON’T GIVE A FAWKES ABOUT YOUR ORDER OF PHOENIX
I’LL TIE A NEW KNOT IN YOUR BEARD
WITH YOUR WRINKLY BALLS
FOR I AM THE ONE RAPPER
TO RULE THEM ALL
DUMBLEDORE
YOUR SPELLS ARE A JOKE,
NOT FUNNY ONES EITHER.
MINES OF MORIA
HA!
MORE LIKE, MIND OF MENCIA
I’LL EXSPECTO MY PETRONUM ALL OVER YOUR FACE YOU LITTLE SNITCH
AND WHEN IM FINISHED, I’LL FLY LIKE ITS QUIDITCH.
After that epic rap battle Dumbledore flew away defeated, why? Because he was a pussy and ran away with a gay wizard on a broom, what do you expect?
Meanwhile Shamwow guy and Billy Mays were locked in an epic battle, fists were flying and blasts of magic were fired this lasted for several minutes before they were interrupted by non other than princess Luna herself
“STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!” Shouted Luna in her Canterlot voice, it destroyed Shamwow guy’s eardrums but Billy Mays was perfectly fine due to two reasons
1. HE’S BILLY GODAMN MAYS
2. THE POWER OF OLD SPICE PROTECTED HIM
“BITCH, YOU DESTROYED MY EARDRUMS.” Shamwow guy wasn’t aware of how loud he was shouting.
“BE GONE FROM THESE LANDS” Shouted Luna as she charged her horn full of power, ready to remove this bane from her lands.
“IF IM GONNA GO, IM TAKING YOU ALL WITH ME”
At that moment Shamwow guy ripped the Shamwow in half causing a fissure to open up in the ground.
“BY THE SPICE” Shouted Billy Mays; for what was climbing out of the fissure was one of the greatest threats to all the universe…
KATAMARI
Soon the Katamari theme tune played and started picking up anything it rolled over, even Shamwow guy was killed.
“WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE PRINCESS.” Said Billy Mays while grabbing Luna, they teleported.
“W-w-where are we” said Luna not recognizing the room. It was plain white room with no furniture and the floors resemble the texture of marble.
“WE ARE IN THE EVER ZONE”
“The what?”
“THE EVER ZONE, THIS IS WERE ALL FATE IS DICIDED, OURS IS DICIDED BY MARINESMARKSMAN, AND THE WATCHERS OF COURSE, AND NOT FORGETING THE COMMENTS, THEY WILL DICIDE YOUR FATE OF YOU AND YOUR WORLD, UNFORTUNATLY I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE, BUT NOT WITHOUT LEAVING COMFORTS”
Billy Mays reached into his back pocket and pulled out a bottle of old spice and handed it to Luna.
“WHAT THE BUCK IS GOING ON” Shouted Luna, not understanding what’s going on. Billy Mays then disappeared leaving a note behind which said.
‘YOU DICIDE’
Incase you didn’t get the hint, you decide what happens, basically you can either choose
GOOD BAD
I want to thank my watchers, marines marksman, old spice and epic rap battles of history for the lyrics for the Epic Rap
Applejack meets Billy Mays
On a calm summers day in ponyville, Applejack was walking towards her home at sweet appleacres.
“Darn, not a single sale” she muttered to herself, she hadn’t sold a single apple today, she didn’t know what was wrong, maybe it was her sale pitch or just the fact that nopony wanted to buy apples, Caramel certainly didnt
FLASHBACK
“Buy yer apples, buy yer apples here” applejack hollered to the ponies that were doing their usual activities.
Caramel walked by the apple stand.
“Yo, Caramel” applejack half shouted to the caramel colored pony, Caramel turned to face the light brilliant gobage (LOL, I know, Its what I read on mlp wikia) colored pony.
“What” Caramel asked in an uninterested tone, which didn’t affect applejack one bit, I guess you could say she didn’t give a fu- I mean buck.
“Do yer wan ta by one of the finest apples in ther land,” said applejack pompously, holding up one of her finest apples to the uninterested stallion.
“errrrrrrrrrrm….” Caramel held his hoof to his chin as in deep thought but it was all a ruse to fool applejack, because honestly, he didn’t give a buck.
“No” said Caramel, dropping his hoof back to the ground with a “clop” sound, Applejacks face immediately deflated.
“But why, ya always want to buy mah apples” applejack said with a frown, it was true, Caramel had always bought a apple from applejack when he walked by the applestand…. But not today
Caramel shrugged and walked away.
FLASHBACK END
Applejack lowered her head lowered even more, feeling sorry for herself, she began her trot back home.
She arrived on the path that led to her home, that was located in the center of sweet apple acres but before she could reach her home there was a massive.
“SHING” sound, which resembled the sound of a surface being squeaky clean with some “oxyclean” (endorsed by Billy Mays)
A portal, the size of an awesome auger (endorsed by Billy Mays) opened up right in front of Applejack, Applejack reeled back in surprise, not really expecting a portal to pop up right in front of her, she took a defensive position in front of the portal, the portal expanded even further, expanded in width and height of a turbo tiger (endorsed by Billy Mays).
Out of the portal stepped out a man, this man had a navy blue shirt with the word “oxyclean” written above the left peck, he wore light brown pants with dark brown mountain boots and he had jet black hair but the thing that stood out the most was his godlike beard, as with all the gods of old spice, he had a magnificent beard which shown his power as a god.
“BILLY MAYS HERE” he said in his regular voice, no I’m serious, whenever he spoke, his voice was loud and carried power to it.
Billy Mays barely took a step forward when Applejack bucked him in the stomach as hard as she could; Billy Mays hit the ground with a thump and unfortunately hit his head on a rock on the way down and soon a small puddle of blood began to form.
“Oh, horseapples” applejack muttered to herself as she bit down on the collar of his now stained oxygen shirt and began to drag his body towards Fluttershys,
Because hoofly, fluttershy knew more about animals more that anyponyelse she knew, so of course fluttershy was her first choice.
After five minutes of dragging and a sizeable blood trail, applejack finally reached Fluttershys cottage, Applejack released her grip of Billy Mays and knocked twice on the door, leaving Billy Mays in awkward position on the little bridge that led to her cottage (what the fuck is that even called), he had his foot in the water, his hand on his back, his other hand on his face and his other spread making him look like a right angle.
A few seconds passed before fluttershy came to the door with that same smile on her lips.
“Well, hello App—“ she stopped mid sentence as she caught sign of the strange animal on her bridge thing (seriously what the fuck are they called) anyway she froze in place; she stared at the creature for a couple of minutes before applejack started to shake vigorously
“FLUTTERSHY” Applejack half shouted while shaking her cowardly friend vigorously
Fluttershy broke out of her trance and hid behind her mane on the ground
“W-w-what i-i-is th-th-that thing” Fluttershy stuttered to her applebucking friend
Applejack rolled her eyes and picked her friend up
“Ah don’t know, he kinda jus came out of nowhere…. Literally” Applejack said, and many readers angry because she used a long word
Fluttershy stood up and pointed to the strange creature on her bridge thing ( WHAT THE FUCK IS IT)
“What happened to his head?” said fluttershy with concern.
“Um… well” Applejack said hesitantly, rubbing the back of her head with her hoof.
“ I kina of… buckedhiminthechest” Applejack said that last bit fast in hopes that fluttershy didn’t hear her but years of mumbling and saying things fast when nervous, it seemed like perfect English to Fluttershys ears (is it English or equestrian… meh)
“You did, WHAT” fluttershy shouted to her friend (not really shouting, you know when she was a model and she got angry and she did her voice louder than usual, like that)
“Ah, didn’t mean too” applejack said turning her head in shame but then she realized, this is Fluttershy
“Wait ah minute, why the buck do I care what you think, he came out ta nowhere and scared me.” Applejack half shouted, waving her hoof for dramatic effect, even thought it wasn’t needed.
Fluttershy then cowered on the ground and hid behind her mane, Applejack rolled her eyes and helped her up.
“Ahm sorry ah shouted at ya Fluttershy, im just tad angry, that’s all” Said applejack putting her hoof on Flutteshys withers, Fluttershy smiled at her friend and walked over to the trotted over to the strange creature and poked it with her hoof, the strange t-shirt it was wearing was scratchy against her hoof, next she felt his head of hair, it felt remarkably soft and even five minutes of dragging through the dirt and blood, it was still brilliantly clean.
“Could you help me bring him into the house, that is, if you want to” said Fluttershy, shyly (I don’t give a fuck, I just want to get to Billy mays)
Applejack nodded and walked over to his strangely bent leg and bit down on the pants, she then proceeded to drag him into Fluttershys cottage.
Inside the cottage Fluttershy bandaged and cleaned the creatures head while Applejack stood in the corner, Stetson covering hiding her eyes, she needed to sleep, working thirteen hour shifts do that to you but she was awoken when she heard a small bang on the wooden floor, she lifted her head to see Fluttershy, eyes fixed on the ground, Applejack lowered her gaze to see a small plastic bottle on the floor.
“What is it?” said applejack curiously, pointing at the bottle
“I don’t know, it just fell out of his pocket”
Applejack walked over to the bottle and looked at it, it looks like one of those containers they keep soap in, she tried to read the front but to no success, the marks on it don’t make sense.
“What does it say” Applejack looked at the bottle, the marks look like they say something but she couldn’t read it.
“Well ah cant read it but from the looks of it Id say it’s a shampoo bottle, and the symbols on it are a strange shape”
“Like what” asked Fluttershy
“Well the first letter is a circle, the second letter is a upside down seven, the third is a circle with a line up and through it, the forth is a slightly curvy two, the fifith is a circle with a line down and through it, the sixth is a line, the seventh is half a circle and the last one is half a eight.
“Well… that doesn’t make any sense” fluttershy said with a hoof to her chin
Appljack then opened the lid and immediately a smell enveloped her senses and she buckled to the ground dropping the bottle and as she fell Billy Mays awoke from the floor and jumped to his feet staring at Applejack.
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HIT ME IN THE CHEST” shouted Billy Mays, with his regular speaking voice added with shouting, it rivaled the royal canterlot voice… no seriously, I mean, it fucking loud, even Fluttershy had to put her hooves to her ears and Applejack even pulled her Stetson over her ears, her treasured Stetson, so the leather (or whatever the fuck its made out off, I mean, they don’t kill animals and I doubt a cow would let you cut off a large potion of its skin just for a hat and I seriously doubt its made out of cardboard ) stretched.
Billy Mays went to kick Applejack, that is, until he tripped on a bottle of old spice and fell through a wall and crushed several birdhouses on his decent into the small stream that surrounded Fluttershys cottage.
“TODAY IS NOT MY FUCKING DAY” Billy Mays shouted as he fell into the stream and mere seconds later, he arose to his feet soaking wet, except for his beard and hair, due to the fact that a beard is a symbol of a god, so no harm came to it, unfortunately it wasn’t the same for the wearer.
Applejack and Fluttershy stood at the god shaped hole in the wall, staring down at the creature that was furiously kicking the ground sending large quantities of dirt and mud into the air
(RANDOM MENTION OF PONYSWAMP of fimfiction.net HERE)
“ALRIGHT YOU FUCKERS” Billy Mays shouted while pointing at them, this caused a bit of rubble to fall from the hole and hit angel on the head, who was standing next to Fluttershy.
“IM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AND HELP YOU SELL APPLES, BUT SO FAR, YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH AND YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE DECENSY TO CARRY ME ON YOUR BACK, AND NOW IM IN A FUCKING STREAM, SOAKING WET, SO HAVE SOME FUCKING DECENSY AND HELP ME DRY” Billy Mays shouted, the torrent of words practically destroying the eardrums of the surrounding animal population.
“Wha?” said Applejack, totally confused by what the creature said.
Billy Mays sighed into his hands and let out a long breath, his breath smells faintly of old spice.
“I CAME HERE TO HELP YOU SELL APPLES, I HEARD YOUR PLEA” Billy Mays said in his regular voice, which was still to loud for Fluttershy, for she put her hooves on her ears yet again.
“What plea” Applejack said sternly
“THE ONE YOU SAID BEFORE I CAME HERE, YOU KNOW THE FLASHBACK” said Billy Mays, tremendously breaking the forth wall even low he doesn’t know it.
“What fla—“ she was cut off as Billy Mays appeared next to her holding her at his side.
“WE WILL START TOMORROW” He said as he ran off to she sweet apple acres, still holding applejack at his side
As they disappeared in the distance, Fluttershy was left all alone in her cottage looking at the hole in her wall and all the destroyed homes of the birds, luckily they were flying south for the winter, so no damage was done, she let out a sigh and walked over to her fridge, it was filled with regular stuff, ya know, fruit, vedge, milk, she looked around to make sure nopony was around, she then pressed a button at the back of the fridge and a secret compartment opened up, she reached her hoof in and pulled out a steak.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Billy Mays arrived at sweet apple acres, still griping applejack at his side; he entered the apple family house and was greeted to the emotionless eyes of Big Macintosh, they stared at each other for a while unmoving, Applejack didn’t have clue what was going on, she was about to speak up until Billy Mays nodded once at Big Macintosh, Macintosh nodded back and went in the separate direction.
“What jus happen?” said Applejack, looking at Billy Mays from were Billy Mays held her.
“GUY STUFF” said Billy Mays, now walking towards Applejacks bedroom.
Applejack didn’t understand his answer but she didn’t question him about it.
A moment later they found them selves outside Applejacks bedroom, Billy Mays set her down and walked down the hall, Applejack went into her bedroom and immediately fell on the bed.
Billy Mays went over to a couch and sat upon it, a few minutes passed and Billy Mays eyelids began to feel heavy but before he could sleep, a small yellow fill with a oversized red bow walked into the room.
“WELL HELLO THERE” Billy Mays said, waving to the small filly.
Applebloom walked over to the couch and climbed onto it.
“Yer funny lookin” said Applebloom, pointing at Billy Mays, who now had an arched eyebrow.
“I DON’T GIVE—“ Billy Mays stopped mid sentence and closed his eyes and took a deep breathe, he didn’t want to quote 60s Spiderman, he collected himself.
“WELL YOUR FUNNY LOOKING TOO” said Billy Mays, pointing at Applebloom, eliciting a small giggle from the filly.
“Name’s, Applebloom” said Applebloom holding her hoof out fro him to shake
“BILLY MAYS, NICE TO MEET YOU” said Billy Mays, shaking her hoof.
They began to talk, asking each other questions about there lives, Billy Mays told her about being a god, and Applebloom told him about her life and the weird white robes and cross in her sisters closet, Billy Mays asked about school, Applebloom talked about her friend, miss cherilee but then the topic shifted to bullies.
“ Their ar two fillies at school that are really mean to us” said Applebloom, a hint of sadness in her voice.
“WHO”
“Their name’s are Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, there really mean because they’re rich and we’re poor and because of my blank flank” Applebloom said, presenting her, indeed, blank flank.
“WELL, I CAN HELP YOU THEIR” Billy Mays said, preparing his god powers, he moved his hand a small distance away from Appleblooms flank and then a white glow enveloped it.
“WHAT ARE YA DOIN!?!” shouted Applebloom (has she ever shouted…. Meh)
Soon the white glow faded and on Appleblooms flank was (pause for dramatic effect) her cutie mark, it was, in all its glory, a bottle of old spice, with an apple in the center with a nail threw it.
Appleblooms mouth was agape; she stared at her cutie mark for what seemed like hours, she jumped on Billy Mays and grabbed him in the biggest hug she could do (DAWWW)
“ohthankyouthankyouthankyouthank” Applebloom said in a torrent, this caused Billy Mays to smile and put his hand on her red mane and stroke it softly, soon Applebloom fell asleep embracing Billy Mays and Billy Mays followed suit with his hand stroking Appleblooms mane (See I can make an adequate touchy feely scene, it not like I give a fuck what you think anyway)
TOMMOROW (5:AM)
Applejack awoke in bed; she stretched her forelegs and reached for her Stetson and placed it upon her head, she got out of bed and prepared to walk out of the door.
“THE SOUND OF A DOOR COMING OFF ITS HINGES”(using “BANG” didn’t quite feel right)
Applejacks bedroom door flew of its hinges, missing Applejack by inches and going out her window.
“WHAT THE BUCK!” shouted Applejack at the top of her lungs.
Billy Mays jumped into the room, striking a triumphant pose.
“TIME TO SELL APPLES” Billy May said, grabbing Applejacks tail and dragging her out the room.
(10:AM)
Billy Mays and Applejack stood at the apple stand; small crowds of ponies gathered around the apple stand staring at the weird creature before them, the only reason they weren’t running away was because his beard mesmerized them, they broken out of their beard induced trance when the weird creature before them spoke in his mighty god voice.
“BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A SPECIAL ACRES OFFER” Billy Mays hollered to the crowd, holding up an apple.
“BUY TEN APPLES AND RECIVE ONE FREE BOTTLE OF OXY CLEAN, ABSOLOUTLY FREE, ENDORED BY ME, BILLY MAYS”
This immediately caught the attention of some of the ponies and they immediately went up to the stand and bought ten apples and a free bottle of Oxyclean but it wasn’t enough, so Billy Mays had to immediately bring out the big guns. (IMMEDIATLEY USED THREE TIMES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH.)
“BUT BUY TWENTY APPLES, AND RECIVE A BOTTLE OF OLD SPICE, ABSOLOUTLY FREE.” This caught the attention of everypony around them, especially the stallions, who for some reason, thought it will stop making them smell like mares, and smell like stallions and power.
Soon every apple was bought and the crowed dispersed, Applejacks saddlebags where backed to the brim with bits and a smile on her face.
“Thank you” said Applejack to Billy Mays; she received a smile in return.
“I HAVE TO GO SOON” said Billy Mays receiving a small frown from Applejack
“OH, DON’T WORRY, I HAVE TO GO, I HAVE SOME OTHER BUISNESS TO ATTEND TO IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE, SO I WONT BE GONE FOR AT LEAST, THREE DAYS. Said Billy Mays, Applejack nodded inn response and they continued walking.
(Midnight)
Billy Mays and Applejack walked through the door to find the weeping form of Applebloom on the ground; Applejack went to comfort her sister while Billy Mays stood at the doorway, anger slowly building up.
“What happened little sis” Applejack said soothingly to her sister.
“Dia-dia-diamond tiara w-w-as hu-huting me” Applebloom sobbed, this infuriated Billy Mays.
“SHE DID WHAT, THAT BITCH IS GOING TO PAY,” shouted Billy Mays as he ran from the house
Meanwhile on the way to Silver Spoons house
“Thank you for walking me home Filthy Rich and you too Drama Queen” Silver Spoon said to Diamond tiaras parents.
“Oh, but it is our pleasure, anyone who is friends with our little daughter are also friends with us” said Drama queen
As they were walking past an alley they heard a faint rumbling, they all turned towards the alley.
“What’s that noise?” said Silver Spoon, a hint of fear in her voice.
“Oh, its probably nothing” said Filthy rich, as he said this Billy Mays jumped out of the alley way holding two awesome augers.
“HERES BILLY” he said to the trio but as he said that they all had heart attacks and died, apparently the shining reference was two much for them.
“WELL, THIS MAKES THE NEXT BIT EASIER.” Said Billy Mays as he picked up the bodies
(Three hours later)
“Mother, mother, where are you” hollered Diamond Tiara as she walked through the halls of her mansion.
There was a loud knock at the door; Diamond Tiara went to investigate, to find a package at the foot of the door, she looked to see if there was deliverer but there wasn’t, on the front it read.
“FOR DIAMOND TIARA”
She squealed with joy at the thought of receiving such a large package (that’s what she said) and began pushing towards her room.
When she reached her room, she lifted the package onto her bed (which was very difficult by the way) she climbed onto her bed and then noticed a red liquid seeping out of the box; she arched her eyebrow and began opening the box.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Diamond Tiara screamed, she backed up against the back of her bed trying not to look at the display before her but she found she couldn’t, she kept her eyes fixed on it, because inside the box (pause for dramatic affect)
Where the heads of her closest friend and her mother and her father.
(THE NEXT DAY)
There was a loud banging on the door to the Apple family house, Billy Mays awoke form his slumber on the couch and walked over to the door, to be greeted by three faces.
“That’s him, that’s the man who did it,” said Diamond tiara, pointing at Billy Mays, two royal guards (are they the only law enforcement in equestria, I mean, like, THEY ARE THE ROYAL FUCKING GUARD, how do you think they feel when there trying to solve who stole your sweet role), the guards nodded and bucked Billy Mays in the chest and put a bag over his head.
(IN THE ROYAL CANTERLOT DUNGEON)
Billy Mays sat in the dungeon head against the wall, muzzle covering his mouth, his court session was tomorrow, and he was forced to stay in the canterlot dungeons.
“You have a visitor,” said one of the royal canterlot guard stated, and in walked the worlds most interesting man, the guard opened the cell and removed the muzzle from Billy Mays, The guard then went to one corner of the room and stood there staring at the world most interesting man and Billy Mays.
“I request some privacy, for me and my friend” said the world’s most interesting man interestingly.
“I’m on strict orders from princess celestia herself, not to leave the prisoner alone” the guard stated matter-o-factly (I’ve always wanted to write that or type…meh).
The world’s most interesting man locked eyes with the guard, the guard trebling slightly at his smoothness and interestingness, also his beard, like all gods made you slightly awe in his presence, not even celestia herself could match up to the godliness of this man.
“I don’t get a lot of thing I want but I will get this,” said the worlds most intresing man said interestingly, the guard instantly complied and ran out the door.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Billy Mays said in surprise, not expecting another god of old spice to be here, he shook the worlds most interesting mans hand and they both sat on the bunk.
“I’m here to be your lawyer Billy, I know what you did” said the worlds most interesting man; he only came third to Chuck Norris in the gods calendar.
“WAIT, WHY DO I EVEN NEED TO STAY HERE, WE CAN JUST TELEPORT OUT OF HERE” Billy Mays said putting his arms in the air.
“I don’t know, ask the author, he can’t think of anything” said the worlds most interesting man looking in the direction were the supposed author is.
“Guy, I just want to get on to my next story, ” said the author shrugging on his bed.
“THAT’S JUST LAZY,” shouted Billy Mays
“I am lazy, but ill give this a suitable ending.”
“YOU’RE JUST GOING DESTROY EQUESTRIA AGAIN”
“So what if I do,” retorted the author.
“FINE, JUST AT LEAST GIVE A GOOD ENDING OR SOMETHING”
“FINE…prick”
Billy Mays walked away from the wall and sighed deeply.
“OK… MY COURT HEARING IS TOMMOROW, HOW ARE YOU GOING DEFEND ME.” Billy Mays said to the worlds most interesting man
The world’s most interesting man got off the bunk and walked over to Billy Mays and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Il find a way,” he said removing his hand and walking out of his cell
“WHAT THE FUCK” shouted Billy Mays as the worlds most interesting left the dungeon, as soon as he left, three royal guards ran into the room and closed the cell and Billy Mays lied down on his cell bed and fell to sleep.
(TOMORROW)
The courtroom was filled with 51 of the highest noble ponies in canterlot, including the two princesses, Celestia sat upon the highest throne, made out of pure white marble with a sun carved into the back, Luna sat in a smaller but equally brilliant throne, it was made out of marble smooth obsidian with a white moon carved into the back.
“The court is now in session” celestias voice echoed in the courtroom.
“Thank you celestia” Diamond tiaras lawyer said from the bench.
Diamond tiaras lawyer arose from the bench and walked into the center of the courtroom.
“Now your honor, we have a tyrant, a monster, in our courtroom today” he said, he then pointed to Billy Mays.
“This MAN, murdered my defendants parents and close personal friend, we have eight witnesses and written confession” he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a sheet of red stained paper.
“It reads, “hem” you worthless piece of shit, I hope you die for hurting Applebloom signed Billy Mays”
The world most interesting man turned to Billy Mays and gave him a look that screamed “YOU FUCKING IDIOT”
“What do you say in your defense Billy Mays” celestia said pointed towards Billy Mays.
Billy Mays was about to stand up but the world’s most interesting man used is hand to pull him down and he stood up instead.
“Your Honor, I don’t usually win at court but when I do, it is now” The worlds most interesting man said smoothly before sitting down, the court broke out in silent murmurs.
“The jury have come up with a verdict,” a young stallion said from the jury.
“Huh, that was quick, I didn’t even have to mention the bodies we found behind the apple family house” said Diamond Tiaras lawyer smugly.
“We find the prosecuted, not guilty,” The stallion said sitting back in his chair and instantly three no’s broke out in the courtroom.
“NO” said Diamond Tiara, hooves to head and on the brink of tears
“NO” shouted Diamond Tiaras lawyer, knowing he was supposed to be paid to win not lose (he killed himself later that day)
“NO” shouted celestia, knowing full well that the evidence was certainly right.
Then immediately cool aid man smashed through the courtroom wall but for he is a god of old spice, he was filled, not with cool aid but old spice instead.
“OH YEAH” he half shouted followed by a “ZWOING” noise that came out of nowhere, he walked out of the courtroom awkwardly.
“WE WON” half shouted Billy Mays knowing that if he shouted in such an enclosed space he would shatter the eardrums of the entire court.
The worlds most interesting man smiled and put his hand on Billy Mays shoulder and soon they were both covered in white light and in seconds they were both gone.
(LATER THAT DAY AT DIAMOND TIARAS RESIDENTS)
Diamond Tiara was laughing insanely to herself; her room was pitch black and had strange ruins in the center and around the ruins was the heads of Silver spoon, Filthy rich and Drama queen.
“You were taken away from me and now, I will get you back” she said to the heads of her deceased family and friend.
She began flipping through the pages of a book and came across a spell that read
dne eht dlrow
“This must be it” she said placing the book in the center of the circle and began to say the spell.
As soon as she said the spell, the circle was enveloped in white and red light, Diamond Tiara stepped away from the circle and slowly, a bipedal creature appeared out of the portal, wearing a Stetson, jeans, a blue cotton shirt and a leather cow jacket… it was Chuck Norris
“Are you sure you want to do this” he said in his god voice to Diamond Tiara.
“Y-Y-yes” Diamond Tiara stuttered, she wanted her parents back so much and her closest friend.
Chuck Norris shrugged and flicked his fingers and immediately the entire planet exploded and Chuck Norris was gone as quickly as he appeared.
THE END
I know I rushed the end, I just want to get on to writing fluttershy becomes a carnivore and oh much more but In the end of this I just got lazy anyway I blame writers block and about forty distractions this week.
I want to thank a bunch of people ‘AHEM’
Yourprivatenightmare
Doctoranatomy
Aydn Duncan
Morgie93
Littlepingas121
Shandesa
M.E.
Lazypoisonfl
Cloudranger
Thefluffyone
Justus
Warwolf
Canman123
Marinemarksman
Ponyswamp
Microsoft
Hasbro
Old spice
Chuck Norris
Billy Mays
World’s most interesting man
And guys im sorry if your disappointed with this its just that I got lazy and I just lost my imagination near the end and I really wanted to get on to writing fluttershy becomes a carnivore, so farewell
PRAISE OLD SPICE