The Princess

by Ragemoar

Chapter one. I'm screwed.

Jack. Jack Freeman. That's my name, and before you ask. No, I'm not related to Gordon Freeman. At least not that I know off.

I'm twenty-four years old and I live in Canada even though I'm an American. Why? I'll let you wonder about that for now. What else is there to tell? Why am I even having this inner monologue? I have no idea! But what I can tell you is that we need to watch out for those damn pirates over there.

"Yaargh!" The swashbucklers entered my ship one at a time. Unforgivable...

So I did the only sensible thing. I pulled out my lightsaber and started hacking around while screaming like a madman. Apparently it worked as the pirates were dropping like flies. Yes, all those years of videogames finally pay off. Excellent.

But I was not prepared for what I had to face next. There it was... A goddamn giant bird. My biggest enemy. I just HATE birds with their cheerful singing in the morning when I'm trying to sleep, and their scary ways of flapping those wings so damn fast. They creep me out, I'm not gonna lie.

But this wasn't any normal bird. Oh no. This was a humongous bloody turkey! The deadliest of all birds. Even though they can't fly... can they? They're still damn frightening to look at.

I looked back at my men. They had only one to rely on. Me. If I didn't do something they surely had to face the consequences. Here goes nothing!

"LEEEEROOOOOOOY!" I leaped with all my might at my mighty foe. Its eyes showed nothing but death and despair. It was just as ready as I was. I magically pulled out another lightsaber out of thin air and prepared to clash with the beast.

*THUMP*

"Ouch." I was awoken from my slumber as I fell out of my incredibly comfortable bed. My dreams were starting to get crazy lately. I don't know the reason. But it might have had something to do with a certain green substance. Broccoli!

But yeah, I can't just go back to sleep again after waking up. It's four in the morning. Might as well stay up. Well I live alone... Wait! Not exactly! My cat Sergeant Slaughter also lives with me. Even though I'm allergic to cats he's still my best friend! Surely he will keep me company the rest of this lonesome night.

"Hello Mr. Kitty Witty Pew Poo!" I started poking Sergeant Slaughter repeatedly while speaking in perhaps a slightly degrading tone. But that's alright! Sergeant Slaughter would never-

"Growl!" The cat I considered my closest friend leaped right at my face, obviously annoyed of the fact that I woke him up. Blood was shed that night. Unfortunately it was mine... I was defeated by a little cat that weighs about 8 pounds or something.

Sure, I'm a big guy. And I could take out the little bastard with one hit, no problem. But that would be kind of cruel. That's not who I am anymore. Maybe a little when I'm owning scrubs online. But not to defenseless animals.

I felt I had to apologize to the cat for my actions. I didn't know if he could understand me, but it was worth a shot.

"Look Sarge... I'm sorry I woke you up, man. Can we just leave this nasty incident b-" I was interrupted as the demonspawn leaped right into my face once again. He started viciously clawing at my manly beard of manliness. He knew that was my only weakness!

Prepared or not. I grabbed the little bastard with both hooves while he was still clawing me to death, walked to the front door and kicked that annoyance about twenty yards away.

"And don't come back until you've learned your lesson!" I yelled at the beast who was just hissing at me at this point. Clearly it was on. But he submerged into the shadows, plotting his next attempt on my life. I'll be waiting for you damn it!

"Oh Hi Diddily-Dokoli Neighbourino! Got in a fight with the little rascal again?" Another voice suddenly asked.

Oh god not this guy again. My neighbor, Steve. He's exactly like Ned Flanders from The Simpsons and just as annoyingly friendly. I know it's wrong, but I kind of hate this guy.

"Yes Steve... Why the hay is you up so early?" I asked as nicely as I was able.

"Oh you know I like to work on my garden as much as possible! It's much more peaceful working at night, don't you agree?" He said with his annoying stupid smile.

"Ughh... Sure Steve. I'm going back inside. If you see Sergeant Slaughter grab that small bastard and return him to me. Okay?" I asked him, knowing he would do so. Since he's super-nice and all.

"Will do neighbourino! I'll keep an eye out."

"Good. Have fun gardening."

"Tha-"

*SLAM*

I didn't allow him to answer as I slammed the door shut. I entered my living room once again and had to come to a decision. I had to do something to fill up time. Can't just stare at the ceiling the rest of the night and morning. Don't have to work tomorrow.

Guess I'll play some games. I didn't really feel like playing my x-box since I'm way too good for online games anyway. Noobs tremble in fear whenever I enter a game on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 38. Did I mention the year is 2013?

Didn't have a lot of single player games for my console. So I had to turn to my PC. I was recommended by some nice ponies on the internet to try out this little game. It's called Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Well let's give it a try. Why the fuck not?

*Thirty minutes later.*

Okay this game is ridiculous. You don't even have a sniper rifle. The monsters don't scare me... At least they didn't anymore when I turned off the sound. But you literally can't defend yourselves! Why can't I just three-sixty no-scope them? WHY?!

Damn you internet! Why are you recommending these games to me! As you might've noticed by now. I'm a pretty hardcore gamer. The best around! And obviously I only play the most original and perfect games. Not like those weird ponies playing... Minecraft! Get a life freaks! It's just Lego on a computer damn it!

Damn bronies. Always saying those nice things. Oh didn't I mention this before? Yeah, I'm a brony as well. There's something about that show that made my nostalgia-bone explode of awesomeness. I don't care if it's targeted towards little fillies, it's fucking great. Lauren Faust you genius bastard. If you can transform a franchise like My Little Pony into something ponies actually want to watch, who knows what other great things you might be capable off!  

Rainbow Dash is obviously the best pony. She's almost as cool as me. But my facial hair will always triumph over her sheer awesomeness.

Anyway, screw this game! Amnesia my ass. I'll go back to a man's game! Yes, after more than thirty sequels, Call of Duty is still breaking their own sale records each year. Therefore it must be the greatest game ever. Right?

Anyway that doesn't matter. I jumped on my couch and laid back while I started my precious x-box. Of course Call of Duty was already in. Doo Dee Doo, lalala okay login. Connect to live. Start game. Pfft, I really hate doing this all the time. Just get me straight into the action!

Finally after a dreadful two minutes of waiting I entered a game. Of course I joined the losing team, no problem though. I'll carry these scrubs to victory myself.

I armed my character with a Machina, RPG-19 and selected the perks: Rocket-leap, Danger Closer and Commandorz. It arms you with a katana that has a twenty-yard slicing range. Also, Call of Duty takes place on Mars now.

So as I entered the game I noticed how there was one guy on the other team whose score was insanely high. Seven-million kills and zero deaths. Seems legit. His name was Diz Cord. So I guessed him to be a brony as well. Love and tolerate right! But I was determined to end his killing spree.

I leaped my character from crater to crater using the RPG to launch myself to great heights. As I was then skillfully soaring through the air I proceeded to take a three-sixty spin and aimed my sniper at the target. Just pull the trigger at the right ti-

*BOOM*

"What? He headshotted me? No fucking way?!" This was impossible, unacceptable and most of all unforgivable. Diz Cord is going down! That I swore.

So now here I was. Death! I haven't seen this respawn timer in like a year. But it gave me time to plot an evil scheme that would surely be able to defeat my nemesis. Yes YES! Come at me bro!

I immediately rushed over to where I last spotted Diz Cord. I arrived at the place where he shot me from before. I tried to track his footprints, a new feature in Call of Duty, but in vain. I could just assume he had a lucky shot on me, was so excited that he burst into tears and laughter from 'defeating' me and then ripped out his internet cable. Probably, there’s no way that he co-

*BOOM*

Another headshot... This fucking guy. He's obviously a cheater. I left the lobby and joined a new one. I started dropping down scrubs again, like usual. But then interrupted by a pinging noise.

"Oh god, it's a message." And not just any message. It's from Diz Cord.

"Why did you leave bro?" The message said.

Well obviously there's only on answer.

"You. Are. A. Hacker!" I send him back.

"Nah, you are just terrible."

Something snapped inside my head after reading those words. Me? Jack fucking Freeman terrible? I'm the best damn player in the world! I'm not even giving this dick the decency to respond.

But a few minutes later he started sending more messages. Insulting my gamertag. What's wrong with Xx-(CoDKillSnip3rpr0elit3)-xX?

"Oh, and I banged your mom last night!" The next message said.

Seriously?! How old is this kid. He's starting to get annoying now. Damn scrub.

But he just kept spamming me with messages, for some reason ignore didn't work for him. But I refused to log off. I was determined to spend the rest of the night and morning pwning noobs. So I decided to write a message that could possibly end this pitiful harassment. From brony to brony.

"Hay dude. I'm a brony as well! Love and tolerate right? Now please cut this shit out." There. It's send. Now we play the waiting game.

Not even a few seconds later I received another message.

"Oh you're a brony? How cute. Like playing with little plastic dolls do you hmm?"

Wait what? This guy named... Diz Cord is not a brony? This. Fucking. World. I could only sigh at the situation. I just decided to ignore the constant messaging once again while I continued owning scrubs online. But it was sooo annoying.

Literally after an half hour he still didn't stop but I was curious to what Diz Cord had to say. More insults at my mother. More clever remarks at my gamertag. Apparently he knows my name. And there's m-

Wait what? How the flying fuck does he know my name? None of my friends play Call of Duty so they don't know my gamertag. Who the hay is the guy?

As I kept reading I genuinely started getting creeped out. He messaged my address, my phone number. Even my credit card number. Fuck, this is some Templar shit right here.

Fuck this shit. I'm out. I turned off the x-box and went to retrieve some well-deserved breakfast. But as I entered the room shortly after with a bowl of cereal I nearly crapped my pants.

The x-box was back on and it was right on the message menu. Dafuq? I'm sure that I've turned it off. Well once again to be sure. I pressed the big stupid button. But nothing happened. Maybe a minor malfunction, no problem. I'll just pull out the power.

And that's what I did. The TV got turned off and so did the console. Finally, no more creepy th-

Oh god... It's back on again. The cable isn't even plugged in. This is some horror shit right here. But I can't be scared of some superhacker hiding behind his computer. Nope, I've got to much pride to be beaten by a nerd.

"Seriously dude. Why is your name even Diz Cord if you aren't a brony?" I messaged him curiously on my unplugged x-box with a controller without batteries. Clearly I pretended not to be bothered by the spooky things going on.

"That's because I AM Discord!" He messaged back.

Okay, now he thinks he's a god of chaos. This can't be good. I started messaging back once again.

"Dude, what the fuck do you want?"

"Oh, I wanted you to spread chaos. But a pony like you clearly doesn't need my help. I'll just leave you to your faith in Equestria and I'll enjoy the show from the background." He messaged back.

Dafuq is wrong with this guy? He's talking nonsense. Does he really believe he's Discord? My Little Pony isn't real dude. Get over yourself!

"Well FU bro, I'm just gonna try to get some sleep again." I messaged him and destroyed my x-box and television afterwards. Who needs those things anyway?

"You're not going anywhere." A scary voice echoed throughout my small house. But I wasn't bothered. Must've left the sound of my computer on. Yep, that's the case. I have a crazy amount of speakers throughout the entire room, so no wonder it echoed!

As I approached my PC, I noticed there was an episode of My Little Pony playing... Okay, pretty weird, but that's alright... I'll just turn it o-

Then a hoof claw thing of doom reached out from monitor. I'm a pretty strong guy, not gonna lie. But whatever was grabbing me had an ungodlikely amount of strength. I couldn't even compare.

Then he appeared. Discord himself. Even if he's choking me at the moment, I just couldn't believe it. That he is actually here... and real.

"Lead them into despair." He whispered to me.

"Wha-?" I was then pulled straight into the monitor. Blacking out before I was even able to comprehend the situation. This can't be good. Dear god no.

I woke up what felt like weeks later. Looking up to what did not seem my crappy home in the least. In fact... This room is larger than my entire house. Where the hay am I?

The bed I was lying in was enormous as well. But I felt a little awkward lying in it for some reason. So I decided to get out, which also felt awkward. I just couldn't put my finger to it.

"Finger... Where are my fingers...?” I said as I stared in awe at a white marshmallow like thing where my hoof was supposed to be.

It can't be...

I attempted to step out the bed. Like any normal pony would. It did not work. I tried to balance myself on my legs, but simply crashed down flat on my nose after one second. By now I realized that I was no longer pony.

I was... a pony.

I've read the fanfictions! A lot of them, and I never EVER liked the ponification stories. It just doesn't seem to make sense and takes out the entire purpose of a pony in Equestria story.

But there's no time to worry about that. Going to Equestria might seem like a dream to some, but not to me. Oh no, I was glad just watching the show.

I attempted to balance myself. Now on four hooves. I couldn't help but notice some strange gold decorations around my hooves. I must be like a royal guard or something! That's pretty awesome actually.

Oh wow! I gasped as I saw two humongous wings flapping behind me. They looked so much bigger then as they did in the actual show!

What color is my mane? I wondered and attempted to take a peek at my tail. But those huge wings kept blocking my view. I felt as a stupid dog running after his own tail for a minute there.

But yeah! Wings! That means I'm a pegasus and my fur is snow-white. Add golden accessories and it's obvious that I'm one of those Royal Guard clones.

Doesn't matter. I'm sure I can figure out what's going on her-

"Ah you are awaken!" A voice suddenly shouted which startled me to say the least. Didn't expect a pony encounter so soon. How did they do this in fanfics? Just stay cool right? No problem.

But then I noticed the voice that was heard a few seconds ago came from the princess of the night. Princess Luna herself!

Mother of god, to what do I own this honor?! I decided to play it cool, and not speak. Just look at the ceiling as if I'm super awesome.

"Are you alright?" Luna asked.

I just nodded in return.

"It's good to see you awake once again. I can't possibly keep doing all the work alone."

Work? What did she mean? But I just nodded once again.

"Why aren't you speaking?" Luna asked as she was frowning at me.

"Uhh, Where a-" As these words rolled of my tongue I was disturbed beyond normal meanings. My masculine, deep awesome voice. It's gone... In return I've gotten a sweet, elegant and feminine tone now. What the hay?

I backed away questioning what was going on once again. However I immediately crashed and tripped over the huge bed, landing right on my snout. But there was more that got hit... Apparently I have a horn as well.

"Sister! Are you alright?" Luna shouted.

"S-sister?" I immediately crawled back up and started looking for a mirror. I found a hoof or hoof mirror on a nearby dresser. I tried to pick it up as if I still had hooves. So obviously it fell down on the ground. Just a few shards of the mirror were lying in front of me now. But it was enough to see my face.

I'm not a royal guard...

I'm Princess Celestia...

Oh my dear god. I then fainted once again, right in Luna's hooves. It had become too much for my brain to process.

Discord, you sick bastard!