“Look Princess!” You march forwards, swaying your hips as you approach the alicorn goddess. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve got two Time Orbs right here!” You point to your boxers. “If you know what I mean.”
Most people would have been frightened of approaching the princess in such a manner, however as you are an expert brony, you have read a lot of fan fiction about Celestia. A lot of fan fiction. And if there’s one thing that fan fiction has taught you, it’s that Celestia instantly turns to putty in the hands of a character who is strong and domineering.
You walk around Celestia to her throne, sitting in it sideways, your feet propped on the armrests. “Hey baby!” you shout to her, as the ponies scattered about the throne room look on in astonishment. “Put the kettle on! Then get your coat, you got lucky!”
“What is the meaning of this?” Celestia turns on you, eyes flashing with anger. You know from the many age-restricted images of Celestia you’ve browsed on line that this can only lead to fun times.
“It means Equestria has a new king, my princess!” You pat your knees, cooing at her. “Come on Celestia, come and snuggle, and if you’re lucky, you can have an early night!”
Celestia’s response is immediate. You feel yourself stiffen, though not in the good way. As you look in horror at your hands, you see them turning to grey, taking on the pallid texture of stone. “No Celestia, no!” you scream, attempting to rise and beg forgiveness, but your legs have already calcified. “No, I love you; I only wanted to marry you!”
Soon, you can cry out no longer.
In the gardens of Canterlot Castle is a statue of a strange ape creature, sprawled out across a plinth, one arm raised, face fixed in a scream. The ponies who stop and look at it puzzle over the meaning. If you could speak, you would tell them.
But you can’t. You can only gaze at them from behind frozen stone eyes.
(Or GOOD END if you like that sort of thing, no-one will judge you!)
Read more stories by Blueshift