A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
- - - - - -
Now, it would be nice if I could tell you that what followed was an epic, dramatic battle of the ages. That I pitted my human cunning and ingenuity against the horrible fiend and I triumphed. Well, you'd be half right.
But the cunning and ingenuity part...
Well, it was more like how Reb Brown would react in any given movie.
I guess I caught the thing by surprise when I let loose with both barrels as it charged me. It reared back, roaring in agony and filling my ears with a ringing. I didn't give it a chance to do anything else though, as I dropped the spent pistols, yanked out the next pair, and fired them both into the monster as well.
And the next pair, which I yanked out from the backpack and fired as well into the thing's gut. Holes exploded from it's mid section and it bellowed in agony, it's eyes glowing bright red.
The double flintlock I pulled next, pointing it in it's face and firing. It's jaw was blown off, as was it's beard. I yanked the blunderbuss out next and fired it too, and those horrible eyes exploded into gore. It's bellows of agony became screams.
I yanked out what appeared to be a double barreled sawed off shotgun with hearts decorating the butt. As with the rest of the weapons I'd fired off, I just pointed it at the monster and fired. The thing's mid section exploded, and it hung off like a puppet with it's strings cut.
My hand cannon I fired next, and this knocked me off my feet. The shell though managed to hit the top half of the demon, blowing it away. But given I was still screaming, my panic would not let me stop firing until the thing was dead, dead, dead!
It was kind of like overreacting to a spider, and you had access to a small arsenal. And you didn't care if you were going to destroy the house because fuck spiders.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" Finally, I yanked out the bellows and worked it, opening and closing it. Every time I did so, flames burst out of the nozzle and covered the shrieking demon. The mangled horror turned and ran off back into the gates to Tartarus, screaming all the way. I, however, kept screaming as I reloaded my guns and kept firing after it.
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Shouted a familiar voice. I nearly dropped my reloaded double flintlock and looked over, wild eyed and covered in sweat, as Twilight Sparkle stood there. She held up her hoof and waved it slowly up and down.
"I think you got him," she said, quite reasonably.
"Ah... R-Right," I gasped, taking deep breaths. I sat down, huffing for breath, staring down at the ground. I felt her nuzzle me comfortingly, and her hoof rub between my shoulders.
"You're all right?" She asked, nuzzling my cheek. I nodded.
"Why wouldn't I be?" She asked kindly. I scowled.
"Well... Gee... You were going to the gates of Tartarus alone."
Twilight laughed softly, and nuzzled me again. "I can take care of myself," she said. "You really shouldn't worry so much." She then turned my head and kissed me.
"Mm...?" I mumbled as she deepened it... Really deepened it... And her hoof went-
"Mwah!" I broke it and held up my hands. "W-Woah, woah... I thought we were taking it slow? You know, schedule?"
"Schedule?" She asked, laughing softly. "Who needs a schedule? You just drove off Minopodis. Any day you drive off a lesser demon calls for... A reward." Her eyes became soft and seductive. I scooted away a little, though my hands rested on her shoulders all the same.
"Well... Um... It would be a little awkward with you in pony form," I admitted. She hummed, and then changed. She stretched, she expanded, and she grew until the naked human Twilight of my dreams was cuddling up against me.
"This better?" She asked in a sultry tone. I blinked rapidly. Something was wrong, very wrong... And it wasn't just that Twilight wanted to make out in front of the Gate to Hell.
Though that was a big part of it.
"Are... Are you feeling all right?" I asked, holding a hand to her forehead. "Maybe you should-MMPH!"
She jumped me, and kissed me deeply. And... Yeah, I responded back eagerly... For a bit... Oh yeah, like you'd be able to do better, St. Augustine.
"Ahh... Ohh... N-No, no! Stop it," I laughed a little, pushing away. "This, this isn't exactly the place for this." I got up, and she stood up with me. She blinked innocently.
"You mean Hell isn't the place for pleasure?" She asked.
"Well it's mainly for suffering and..." I looked at her strangely. "How do you know that word?"
"You told me," she said.
"No, I-I'm pretty sure I didn't..."
"Beloved, you're thinking too much," Twilight purred, running her hands over my sweaty arms. I looked up at her eyes, so inviting...
"Yeah Twilight, but... You're usually not this open..." I pulled back on the hammer of my flintlock. "And you usually say my name at least once by this point."
"ANDREW!" Called another voice from the tunnel leading to the surface. I looked over and saw Twilight Sparkle, in pony form... With a giant three headed monster dog behind her. I turned by eyes back to the other Twilight, my gun rising up...
Only to see myself, pointing a gun at my heart in turn.
"Twilight!" The imposter cried. "Thank goodness you've come!"
"Yeah," I growled, as Twilight and the giant dog looked between us both in confusion. "Thank goodness."
- - - - - -
"What are you doing here?" Twilight asked, looking between myself and the imposter.
"I came to rescue you," my imposter said.
"I didn't need rescuing!" Twilight protested. I scowled.
"Maybe not but you were running off to a Hellmouth, alone!"
"I had Cerberus with me! I think I'm fine!" Twilight said indignantly. The gigantic, three headed dog growled low in it's throats, making the ground rumble slightly.
"You still could have told me!" I shouted.
"I couldn't find you! And there wasn't time!" Twilight said. "It was much easier and faster to go on my own!"
"But I was worried about you!" The imposter said earnestly.
"Yes, I was," I said flatly, glaring at him. "Now drop the gun and go back to Hell!"
"You first, demon!" Hissed my duplicate. He took a step to the right, and I mirrored him by taking a step to the left. Both of us kept our guns pointed at the other as we circled around.
"I'm not the demon, you are!" I growled.
"Not from where I'm standing, pal!"
"You just tried to seduce me in her form!" I shouted, pointing my free hand to Twilight. The purple unicorn blushed as my imposter glanced over at her.
"I didn't do anything, I swear," he said. He paused and shrugged. "Well I did make out with her a little."
"YOU...!" At Twilight's shocked expression, I coughed. "Okay, yeah! I did! I thought it was you! And you were all naked, and articulate-"
"Okay okay! Hold on, everypony, this isn't getting us anywhere," Twilight said authoritatively, her cheeks burning bright red. She looked up at Cerberus. "Cerberus, can you smell them apart?"
The big dog shook it's three heads, a really weird thing to watch. I groaned.
"Some guard dog of the underworld," I said. My imposter snorted.
"Tell me about it," he muttered.
"HEY! He just-He's the imposter, blast him!" I shouted.
"No, blast him!" The imposter shouted back.
Cerberus rumbled, as Twilight looked back and forth between us. "Okay, okay... I need more information. Tell me everything you know about the demon's capabilities!"
"The imposter knew how to take your form and a sexy human form, but it didn't know my name until you yelled it!" I shouted quickly before the imposter could speak. He looked pretty miffed. Though I'd be wearing the same expression.
"Or you were just pretending that you didn't know my name because you knew Twilight was coming down!" My imposter accused.
"That doesn't make any sense!" I shouted back. "If you knew she was coming, why did you try to seduce me in her form?"
"Maybe you're just a really stupid demon," my imposter taunted.
"No, you're the stupid demon!" I shouted back.
"Okay, enough!" Twilight shouted, her horn glowing ominously. She trotted up close, circling around us. She nodded, as though finding something to her satisfaction as Cerberus growled and stomped his paws.
"Okay... There's only one way to really settle this," Twilight said. She stepped around and stood in front of us. She blushed. "Tell me something that the real Andrew would know."
"I love you," the imposter said. I stared in disbelief at him, and then looked to Twilight who was blushing.
"That's not what I was asking," Twilight said.
"There! See! He's the imposter!" I said angrily.
"Oh, so you don't love her?" Asked the imposter smugly.
"I didn't say that!" I replied.
"You do have a bad habit of bringing up your emotions in stressful situations," Twilight said, looking to me. I scowled.
"Stressful? Standing at the mouth of hell when my girlfriend has to choose between me and a demon posing as me? What's stressful about that? " I waved my hands around. "And you're not even doing a good job of it! You're using emotional blackmail!"
"What? I can't tell my girlfriend how I feel?" He asked, holding his arms akimbo.
"No, not like that!" I growled.
"Quick! Fire!" Twilight said to me. The imposter blinked.
I raised my gun and pulled the trigger.
My imposter yelped, and fell back as it reverted into what looked like the pony version of Morrigan from Darkstalkers. She snarled at us both.
"You... You will suffer all the ravages of hell for-!"
Cerberus snarled, and the succubus slowly looked to her right at the hulking form of the gigantic, three headed dog.
"Oh buck," she muttered, just before the monster's massive jaws snapped her up and threw her back through the gates of Tartarus. "AAAAHHHHH!"
The massive guard dog lumbered off, roaring to send the doors slamming shut. He then turned in a circle, settled down and put his heads on his paws for a nap.
I slowly looked over at Twilight.
"Well... She wasn't very good," Twilight said softly.
"No, I suppose not," I said, sitting down on the ground and sighing. She trotted up and nuzzled the side of my head, an action I reciprocated.
We sat there in silence for a while. I then opened my mouth, but she cut me off.
"Now, we really should be getting back to Ponyville," she said quickly. "We might have sealed up the gates and gotten Cerberus back to where he's supposed to be, but it's not Tuesday yet!"
"But?" She asked, raising her eyebrows. I made some motions with my hands.
"The whole... Emotions... Imposter... Talking thing?" I managed.
Twilight huffed. "Andrew! We may be facing a massive disaster! Let's leave the personal stuff to the schedule, all right?"
"All right, fair enough," I said, blowing out a breath. I wasn't sure if I was relieved, or frustrated.
Maybe a little of both.
… Not like that!
- - - - - -
A day later, I was out in the woods with Fluttershy, the flame throwing bellows over my shoulder. I looked around and sniffed the air.
"So... What are we looking for, exactly?" I asked.
"Oh, these horrible Mata Hemlock plants," Fluttershy said. "They blow in from the Everfree Forest and entice animals to eat them, just so they can poison them."
"Entice them?" I asked, frowning. "How?"
Fluttershy raised her hoof and rested it on my shoulder. She pointed over a nearby rise at a large, bright red plant. It was swaying gently, under it's own power, like some kind of exotic dancer. I sniffed the air-There was a scent carrying on the wind, something... Wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, my cheeks burned red.
And I noticed a few... Ahem... Other things.
Fluttershy trembled next to me, licking her lips. "It... It's very, um... Distracting," she said. "Animals are tricked into eating it because it makes them feel..."
"Good," I nodded in understanding. I pulled a bandanna I'd wrapped around my head off, and tied it around my mouth and nose instead. "Yeah, I'm getting that..."
"Very warm, too," she said, trembling. "But if you eat it, or touch it..."
"It's not good," I said. My eyes narrowed, and I slowly approached it. "It's insidious..." I looked over at her. "You okay? Sure you shouldn't cover your mouth?"
"Oh no, I-I'm fine," Fluttershy said with a little smile. "I'm uh... Used to it," she said softly. I shrugged, and pulled the bellows off my shoulder. I opened it up, and pointed the nozzle at the flower.
"Stand... Hover back a little," I told her. The pegasus nodded, and fluttered a few feet away. I shut the bellows, and a gout of flame burst from it and covered the Mata Hemlock. It actually screamed as it burned, as though to make me feel guilty for it's death.
But the body of a little bunny behind it made it pass pretty quickly. Fluttershy gasped, and flew over as soon as the flames died down enough. She took the poor creature in her hooves and bowed her head.
"I'm sorry, little one," she said softly. She looked at me. "I need to find his family, will you be all right?"
I nodded. "Sure..." She flew off, and I continued my search through the forest for the Mata Hemlocks. I found a couple of them, swaying enticingly on a hill top. A deer was sniffing them curiously, and I scowled.
"Hey! You! Beat it!" I shouted. "They're poison!"
The deer stared at me. I grumbled and stalked up to him, waving my hands around.
"Come on, beat it you stupid deer! Don't you know they're poisonous?"
The deer sniffed. "Of course I do," it replied in what sounded like a British accent. "Don't you have any manners, you ignorant ape?"
"... Sorry," I said. "I was under the impression you were-"
"Going to eat them? Hardly, you tailless monkey," he continued, snorting and looking down his nose at me. I scowled back.
"Hey pal, I'm doing a job here! And it's human, not monkey," I said, pointed my finger in his face. "Get it right!"
The buck huffed, and turned around. He flicked his tail at me, which I took to be an insult, and smirked over his shoulder.
"I got what I came for... And my lady will appreciate it." He waggled his eyebrows and leered. "Too bad you can't say the same, ape!"
I unfortunately got a good look at his... Reaction, and grimaced.
"Hey! Fuck you pal!" I shouted, shaking my fist. The deer blinked.
"Fuck...? What does that mean?"
"It means get the hell out before I fry you along with the Viagra plants here!" I said with a growl. I held up my bellows meaningfully, and the deer sniffed.
"What an appalling camping trip this has been," he huffed, before bounding off gracefully. I sighed and shook my head, holding up the bellows.
"Tourists," I muttered, blasting the flowers with flames. "Just run in, sniff the flowers to get a boner and off they go to plow their girlfriend and they have to be such bastards about it..."
I sighed. I looked out at Ponyville from the top of the hill, stretching across the valley. The elegant city hall, the colorful houses, the beautiful Apple Acres...
I turned away and closed my eyes. I looked back. Yep, still the same Ponyville.
Without a human being or human structure in sight.
Fluttershy flew up, looking solemn. I looked up at her.
"Hey... Um..." There's no good way to ask how a family took a loved one being lost. "Are they...?"
"It's very sad," she said softly. "They asked me to leave so they could be alone with him."
I nodded. "Yeah... I can understand that." I looked out back at Ponyville, and then to Fluttershy who was still rubbing her hooves together, looking at the ground. I bit back a sigh and walked up to her. She looked up at me and I hugged her tightly.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. Fluttershy hugged me back, and rested her chin on my shoulder. We stood there for a while in silence, just me rubbing her back as she softly cried.
Frankly, this was turning into a real bummer of a day. Even with a flamethrower.
But it was about to get worse.
"Um... Andrew," Fluttershy said, pulling back a little to look me in the eyes. I looked back.
She then moved her head forward and pressed her lips to mine.
Admittedly, it was kind of awkward. She was a pony, I was a human... But intimate contact like this was nice. And she wasn't a soul eating succubus, which was even better.
It only lasted a minute though and we both pushed away.
"Uh... Um... Er..." Fluttershy stuttered. "I-I-I have to... To...!" She flew off, fast. I watched her go, jaw hanging down.
I then shook my head clear and held a hand to my head.
"All I need now would be Twilight seeing that, and my day is complete," I groaned.
There was a roar behind me. I turned, looked... And sighed as I saw my old friend the manticore snarling at me.
"Or a monster attack," I grumbled as I turned and fueled up the bellows. "REALLY not in the mood for this!"
The manticore charged anyway.
"FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY!" I roared as I let off a blast of flame into the monster’s face. The manticore roared, covering its face with one paw while swinging for me with the other. I tried to dodge, but I got hit by the edge of its huge paw and I heard my shoulder pop.
“Gah!” I growled and pulled the bellows open again. The manticore though saw it through its ash-covered face, and turned tail. The manticore ran off, whimpering as his whiskers were still smoking. I snorted and rolled my shoulder.
"Yeah! Smart idea! Trying to eat a guy with a flamethrower!" I shouted after him. "Maybe next time you'll try eating the guy with a gun in a bad mood! Oh wait, you already did that!"
I sighed and grimaced as a sharp stab of pain went through my shoulder. I winced and rolled it again, before hissing.
"Ohh... God, ow, ow..." I sat down and grimaced. "Damn, damn that hurts..."
"Oh my, are you all right?" Fluttershy asked. I looked over at her as she hovered next to me, a hoof over her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" She pressed her hooves onto my jacket and tugged. "Let me look at it."
"No, no, it's really fine," I said quickly.
"You're hurt, let me help!" She said. I tried pulling away.
"Look, this is already awkward enough-"
"Let. Me. Help," Fluttershy said firmly, her blue eyes boring into mine as her mouth was set in a determined frown. I stared back, and very slowly nodded.
"Okay," I managed in a less than manly tone. Fluttershy nodded and pulled my jacket off. I got my shirt off with her help, too, and she pressed her hooves into my shoulder, examining it closely. I couldn't help a hot blush of embarrassment.
I mean, how would you feel if some girl you'd just kissed who wasn't your girlfriend feeling up your shoulder with your shirt off? Okay, sure, she was a pegasus but still.
"Oh my, I think your shoulder is dislocated," Fluttershy said. "I am so, so sorry I left you alone with the Manticore, I really am!"
"It's... It's fine," I said. "I mean, it was... Kind of awkward..." I groaned. "Okay, very awkward."
The butter yellow pegasus bowed her head and blushed adorably. "Um... I-I'm not good at... Er... Talking about this sort of thing..."
"Well clearly I'm not either," I said. I shook my head. "Look, we were both breathing in the Mata Hemlock, we were both stressed out... Let's just forget about it."
"F-Forget it?" Fluttershy asked. I tried looked at her, but my eyes kept drifting to her shoulder.
"Well... Um... It's no big deal, right?" I said. "Right?" I gave her a warm, friendly smile. "We were just... Heated, that's all."
"Oh, I'd still feel awful about not talking about it with her," Fluttershy said softly. She looked at me intently. "Wouldn't you?"
I frowned. "Well..."
She flapped her wings and thrust forward, pushing on my shoulder hard.
My eyes crossed.
"S-Sorry! Sorry!" Fluttershy cried. "I didn't think I'd do it that hard, I'm sorry!"
"I DON'T NEED YOU YELLING IT! AAAAAHHHHH!"
- - - - - -
We headed to the library, me rubbing my shoulder gingerly while Fluttershy kept her hooves over her mouth.
"Sorry, so sorry," she repeated. "I'll do anything to make up for this, anything!"
Certain thoughts leaped to mind at that... Oh come on, like they wouldn't for you. But I shook them off and hissed.
"Look," I said, "let's just... Relax, all right? Relax... We'll tell Twilight what happened, explain we're just friends. Really." I nodded to her. She nodded back, blushing heavily.
I sighed and turned to the door. I knocked on it. Right, telling your girlfriend you made out with another woman, this has fun time written all over it.
The door burst open, and a frantic looking Twilight came out. "Andrew!" She cried, pouncing on me. Her hooves drove into my shoulders... And my eyes crossed.
"It's absolutely horribl-"
"I know! I know it is!"
- - - - - -
My God, what have I done? I’ve introduced a bunny death and drama into this comedy. Well, I’ll leave it up to you to determine if it’s successful.